What’s In a Name?

"What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
-Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

How do you spell hubris? Ok-for those who have had a bit too much Grey Goose® vodka (the Toad likes his with a twist of lemming), the word means, according to its modern usage, exaggerated self pride or self-confidence. It is an overbearing pride, often resulting in fatal retribution. Well, that would fit the Toad to a T. But how about the “former” Archbishop of a certain continuing jurisdiction? He’s retired. Really. He's not running things anymore. Right. Pay no attention to the man in front of the library. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

So, it was with no trepidation (ain’t defining that for you) at all, that the Toad heard about a little building program going on. At a seminary. At a seminary in a continuing church jurisdiction about which it’s “dean” boasted that other major seminaries have weighed in-it's national material. Whooooo! Chum on the water! (Ok, for the Toad it’s more like “flies in the air”, but it just doesn’t ring right style-wise capisce?)

Some informed reader anonymously mailed the Toad a suave brochure entitled “St. Joseph of Arimathea Library.” As a fundraiser, it was very slick—lots and lots of money slick, with a proposed look of the biblioteque on the front, a floorplan in the interior, and, so help me, an “axonometric view” on the back. Yeow! The presentation’s gotta’ cost a bundle, and, given the stiffing this particular jurisdiction has given to its clergy, you’d better hope that the mailing is a donation. Otherwise, might be some ‘splainin’ to do. Ooops…sorry, it was done by the wholly- unrelated “St. Joseph of Arimathea Foundation”, which is completely unconnected to, oh, say, the Anglican Province of Christ the King. That would be the ever-decreasing body of oh, say, 1,800 folks is not mentioned anywhere in the brochure, at least in the copy sent to the Toad.. Get that, donors? Not anywhere.

Never mind that the website of that very same body counts this as “the seminary of the Anglican Province of Christ the King, a nationwide body of Christian Churches dedicated to maintaining traditional Episcopalian faith and practice in the United States.” Boy, the Toad could go a whole lot of places with that name "Episcopalian" (note the capital letter, rawk, rawk, rawk!*) And he will. Later. But, let’s turn to the moment to the front graphic of this little flyer. The crack technical staff at the Barking Toad has scanned it for your delectation.

What venerable, white-haired figure do you see in the foreground with hand extended Moses-like? Could it be the “retired” archbishop of the APCK? Say it isn’t so! No one could be possessed of that much hubris. It must be a cleverly-generated computer homunculus of some white-maned, gent in clerics standing outside of a non-existent building in Berkeley, California in which his office is located. Sure looks like a certain past-prelate. And we really like the limo in the foreground. Mercedes? Of course, always go top shelf, bunky!

But now to the meat of the reinvention of this seminary, now being subtly pushed as an adjunct to the University of California (fraudulizer® alert!). The priest who passed this to the Toad once was a contributor to this seminary--gave real jack to it and hucked his people to do the same. He has a number of good buddies in black who got out of it intact, with a pretty good education. (Many didn’t stay in one piece, but, that is a for another time, boys and girls. Wait for it.) It was supposed to be a two-year S.T.B. (not STD-that would be another problem) program to support a traditional Anglican Church. Non-accredited-ok, we’ll spot that-but residential and with a chapel and a real faculty. Oops, boys and girls! Guess the windows weren't closed against that rarified Berkeley air.

Lots of men started rolling through on the “battlefield commission” standard. You know, show up two weeks and be a priest. Different from St. Table Tops’ how? Oh, yeah, you get to drink in the "mystique of the episcopacy for two weeks".

Formation? Naw. Verification of ability? Naw. Green card? Not necessarily (at least says the palooka who sent this to the Toad.)

What we’ve got is a collapsing continuing church that’s trying to reinvent itself as a seminary and “campus ministry”-that would be the rowing team at old U.C., noted for their devotion to…well…something. Don’t look too closely out there at foundations or ownership or management stuff.

The Toad, who has been accused of going too light on “mainstream” continuers whoever they are, was challenged to confront this. Well, over some dry gin and moist towlettes we confronted the rest of the solicitation and faced the inevitable image: Tim and Tammy Bakker. By what name do you call hubris? Let’s pick a few.

You can have “Naming Opportunities” for this pile of rubble in Berkeley (Native--American for “Pay Too Much For Living With Godless Dopeheads”). Here are a few from the flier:

Solarium/reading Room $200,000
(that’s a lot of sun)
Kitchen $150,000
(hope there’s a ‘wave)
Courtyard $200,000
(we don’t have to build anything)
Water Feature $ 40,000
(Toad don’t wanna’ know)
Bookcase $ 20,000
(Ikea? Heard of it?)

The bottom line is an ambitious program for a continuing church that couldn’t even raise matching funds to meet a most generous matching grant to build parishes--er, build parishes..Great Commission...anyone out there? All of this comes a at a time when some in that “jurisdiction” came to their senses and sought to get away from a cult of personality. (Look at the figure in the picture. Can anyone say “Lenin’s Tomb”?)

So here it is, boys and girls. A once noble effort, admittedly with some fine graduates, abandons its roots to become a “seminary” and “student ministry” with no mention of “continuing Anglicanism” or even “Episcopalianism”. It’s trying to raise swag at $20k a bookcase for an operation that has how many full time students? And the Toad just knows that the big gun donors will be lining up…as long as they are off their medication.

Below-Not a Seminary (yet)

By all reports, the big cheese in this is a student of Russian history. Toad ain’t no ecclesiastic, but he is a political sort in the pond. Lessee’…Lenin, and later Stalin, gulls Western investors into plunking money into the Potemkin village of Russia. (GM, Armand Hammer…anyone listening?). Money is used for whatever purpose the leader deems. (How much is left over on a $20k bookcase?)

Peasants, kulaks, middle class and personal friends are killed off or exiled.

So, here it is. The second part of the name hubris-the older sense. In Ancient Greece, “hubris” referred to actions taken in order to shame the victim, thereby making oneself seem superior. Check out the guy in the courtyard in that first picture. He’s never done that. Or anyone on his board.

Boys and girls, hubris was a crime in classical Athens. It was considered the greatest sin of the ancient Greek world. The category of acts constituting hubris for the ancient Greeks apparently broadened from the original specific reference to molestation of a corpse (God knows, we don't want to molest or annoy our jurisdiction), or a humiliation of a defeated foe, to molestation, or “outrageous treatment,” in general. Let’s check the tally from the Continuum site: Edwards, Novak, Nalls, Hart. The Toad knows of more. But, what more do we need?

What’s in a name? The name is well...you know who he is...and it ain't Moses. And you can add your name to the mausoleum in the hope that amid the whited sepulcher, a few more good men are raised up. The Toad bets you can even have dinner at the Faculty Club.

When you are done, the Toad wants to put up a seminary close to home. Ann Arbor’s relaxed marijuana laws make it a great place for fund raising. A little of the old incense and the donors will name a hash pipe “Vince” for ten grand and not remember in the morning. At least they don’t want to remember. Rawwwwwwk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

GLORY, LAUD AND HONOR

“Behold, I am become a reproach to thy holy name, by serving any ambition and the sins of others; which though I did by the persuasion of other men, yet my own conscience did cheek and upbraid me in it."
-William Laud

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad is working on a double-header tonight. He received the e-mail below from astute reader Dr. Jonathan E. Larkin via the Toad’s Latvian ISP (their motto “servers for those who just don’t want to be found”). Dr. Larkin identifies himself as an “Adjunct Professor TLCGSM” at http://www.tlcgsm.com/ The link leads to a the site of “Trinity Learning Community Schools of Ministry”, “a non-profit educational institution located in Southern California that can help you find your place in the Bigger Story of God.” Whoa, there’s a big claim!

Apart from helping you know your place, TLCGSM, which appears to be attached to three “Vineyard” churches, offers a Bachelor of Christian Studies and a Master of Ministry through its website. A decidedly Protestant, evangelical operation, this seminary has more letters in its name than the average continuing church. It does, though, have a tie to St. Stephens University which is chartered by the Canadian province of New Brunswick to grant Bachelor's and Master's degrees. These guys actually appear to require some time on a real campus, and not just sitting round the big table at Ho-Jo’s on Clam Night. One problem: their faculty list doesn’t seem to include Dr. Larkin. Perhaps an oversight. Rawk!*

So, it goes, boys and girls. But Dr. Larkin does provide a defense of sorts (reprinted in its entirety below) for Laud Hall Seminary, the seminary of the United Anglican Church. Dr. Larkin identifies “Laud Hall as…simply a distance learning program that offers various degrees.” He goes on to note that Old Laud “is authorised by the State of Florida to grant their degrees, as you are probably aware State Licensing is the what makes a degree legally valid or not and in most states operating a school which grants degrees without state licensing is a criminal offense. State Licensing is also the prerequisite to becoming accredited, now Laud Hall it is not federally or regionally accredited which it emphasizes on the their web page but is allowed to grant degrees based on their State Authorization.”

Say who, say what? Ok—it ain’t accredited regionally or by the feds. The website of Old Laud actually admits that. And the Toad hates to differ, but state licensing does not “make a degree valid”. State licensing is just that-a ticket to do business in a state. (Oh, yeah-get over the British spellings, gang, they irritate the Toad’s spell check when he uses it.)
Ahhhh, but Old Laud’s “programs and degrees are theological and ministerial, not secular and academic. We wish to train ministers of the Gospel, which is our primary mission and task.” Very laudable. Just don’t try trading on that degree outside of your…well…denomination...sect….whatever…

Beyond a laudacious website, there’s not much on this one, gang. However, almost all of the warning lights on the “Seminary Fraudulizer” are blinking like Britney Spears in a cop’s flashlight. Rawk, rawk!

So, the Toad printed out the Laud Hall catalogue for a little perusal after reading this month’s issue of Amphibian Today. Let’s check ‘em off, boys and girls.

--Degrees can be purchased. (Seminarian to priest in five easy payments)-No proof of this here.

--There is a claim of accreditation when there is no evidence of this status.-At least these guys don’t make this claim or make a claim of accreditation from a questionable accrediting organization like, oh, say, the Confederazione Nazionale delle Università Popolari Italiane (CNUPI).

--The operation lacks state or federal licensure or authority to operate.-They laudably admit that.

--There is little if any attendance required of students, either online or in class. (Our school motto: “You never have to show up”.)—Well, they are, after all, a correspondence school.

--Few assignments required for students to earn credits.-No evidence either way here. Perhaps we can hear from an alum or two on the comments page.

--There is a very short period of time required to earn a degree. (“Our one-week M.Div. program allows for post office delays with your check.”)-Again, any of you Old Laud matriculators want to step up and be counted?

--Degrees are available based solely on experience or resume review. (“Siding salesman? You can have an S.T.L. in spirituality!”)-To their credit, no evidence of that.

--There are few requirements for graduation.-Well, they do have the catalogue…
--The operation fails to provide any information about a campus or business location or address and rely, e.g., only on a post office box?-There is an “Administrative Office” located at 1702 McKinley St., #9 Hollywood, FL 33020. Of course, as the website notes, Laud’s got legs, and has moved about a few times—even across state lines! Whoops!
--The operation fails to provide a list of its faculty and their qualifications.- Old Laud advertises, “Well qualified Faculty and Staff”. Other than the dean, there’s nary a prof in sight, much less a c.v.
--The operation makes claims in its publications for which there is no evidence.- Well, now, doesn’t this fit even a number of accredited institutions!

On the whole, toads and toadettes, there doesn’t seem to be much there, there. There’s the customary impressive big list o’courses, but the big board says that this one is another paper tiger.

Of course, the Barking Toad would love to hear from alums, faculty, neighbors with photos of the annual graduation barbecue, and such like. If they meet the Toad’s threshold (which is quite low), they’ll even get posted.

Meanwhile, the Toad is off for a little laudanum! (And maybe some blue vitriol Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Yr. Obed Serv.,
Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)

*The sound of one hyper-educated Toad barking

The Letter (Reprinted Without Change)

Hi Dr Toad,

I saw you list of seminaries, particularly Laud Hall Seminary.Laud Hall Seminary is the Seminary for the United Anglican Church which part of the continuing Anglican movement, as you are probably well aware the continuing Anglican Movement is rather fragmented and changes depending on splits and union etc. Laud Hall as it exists today is a simply a distance learning program that offers various degrees.

It is authorised by the State of Florida to grant their degrees,as you are probably aware State Licensing is the what makes a degree legally valid or not and in most states operating a school which grants degrees without state licensing is a criminal offense. State Licensing is also the prerequisite to becoming accredited, now Laud Hall it is not federally or regionally accredited which it emphasizes on the their web page but is allowed to grant degrees based on their State Authorization. There degree's are typically, three years for the MDiv or MTh with a prerequisite of Bachelors Degree or their own Licentiate program. There Doctoral program is generally 3-5 years with the appropriate prerequisites of an undergraduate qualification and a Masters Degree.

Below is a history of the Seminary

Laud Hall Seminary was chartered in 1962 to serve the Anglican Church as a vehicle for training Clergy and Laity. In the 1980s it was transferred to Texas in the Diocese of the Southwest of the Anglican Episcopal Church of North America. It was moved to Florida when the former President of the Seminary placed it under the direction of the Traditional Episcopal Church. In 1996, the Seminary was restructured, a Board of Regents was added, the schools and Faculty were expanded and the curriculum was completely revised, with the specific purpose of bringing the school into the 21st Century, placing it online, and making it a full degree-granting institution. This move was accomplished in early 1998 when all the final documents were signed and the State of Florida authorization was conferred. Following the union of the Traditional Episcopal Church with the Anglo-Catholic Church in the Americas, the Seminary came under the jurisdiction of the United Anglican Church in 2001.

I hope that this is of some use,

Regards,

Jonthan E Larkin

Dr Jonathan E Larkin

Adjunct Professor TLCGSM

http://www.tlcgsm.com/

Mother Lode for the Toad

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad has finally done it. No more will you have to shell out real dollars for fake degrees. You are free from having to deal with tabletop seminaries and having to suck up to specious scholastics. You won't have to wonder whether that suspect sheepsin will surface after you've hit the PayPal button for the St. Doenitz Seminart of the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Anglican Celtic Church of North America (Original Province). Nosiree, bunky!

Now you can go right to the source and get the whole magilla-diploma, transcript and letter of recommendation. The basic can be had right off the net, and the deluxe (and everyone wants the deluxe, right, boys and girls?) for a low, low price. How low, you ask? Well, let's look at the adert for Magic Mill at http://www.boxfreeconcepts.com/download/index.html:

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The Toad tested these out, and came away with a new Doctor of Philosophy fron Carolina Coast University and a full undergraduate transcript from Suothern States University. The Toad even managed a 3.93 GPA with a major in philosophy and a minor in geology. Rock, rock, rock...er....Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

If these babies are good enough to fool the average employer, how impressive will they be when you trot 'em out on the average vagante bishop looking to add respectability to his operation. For that matter, you'll have a better fake degree than he does so you can just start your own church.

The Toad was most impressed with the recommendation letter he received from Prof. A.T. Buckpeshal in the Philosophy Department at Southern States U. (lovingly reprinted below) It brought a tear to the eye realizing how much old Bucky would do for his first and only amphibious student.

Of course, "by clicking the purchase button you agree to limit the use of your fake transcript and/or diploma template(s) to off-line activities solely related to entertainment. You agree the template file(s) will remain in your possession only and will not be copied for the purpose of selling or giving to others. You specifically agree that all 'educational institutions' typed onto a template will be limited to fictional entities created by you." Yeah, right. And Almy doesn't sell vestments to fake clergy either. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

So, have at it, boys and girls. No need to bother with that pesky schooling at all. Just stop down to the old Magic Mill and you'll be preachin' and reachin' (into the pockets of the faithful) faster than you can say, "Buckpeshal"!

Yr. Obed Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States Iniversity)
*The sound of one very educated Toad barking

Southern States University
Chapel Hill, Virginia
Philosophy Department

To whom it may concern:

Let me take this opportunity to glowingly praise Roy Aldous Toad. I had the pleasure of teaching Roy in several classes and got to know him quite well. I found him to be industrious, intelligent and very pleasant. Roy is an enthusiastic individual. He is considerate of others, always patient and blessed with a real ability to lead. In fact, in all my years of teaching here at Southern States University, I've never encountered a better all-round student.

If you are considering Roy for a job opening, I can assure you that you won't find a more earnest, loyal, hard-working or fair-minded employee. He is that rare person who was born to excel.

Sincerely,

A. T. Buckpeshal

A. T. Buckpeshal
Professor of Philosophy

Proliferating Bishops

“OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as "unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.”
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

Good afternoon, Toads and Toadettes,
There’s big news out of the group CANA (Continuing Anglicans (are) Not Anglican) and their ceaseless toil for church unity. Among other things, Archbishops Peter Akinola in Nigeria and Gregory Venables in Argentina vowed to continue to defend parishes and dioceses seeking to leave the Episcopal Church. Surprise.

And here’s another surprise, four Episcopal dioceses are considering switching allegiance to foreign primates in protest against their church's support for homosexual “bishop” Gene Robinson, despite threats of disciplinary action from the Presiding Squid-Watcher if the ECUSA. (If you don’t get the reference, pally, you’ve been living in an other dimension. Rawk!*) With lots of references to Pastor Luther (nothing about “snow covered dung” though), the boys are cutting loose.

Ahhhh, but here’s where the road hits the rubber. The Virginia-based CANA (Continuing Anglicans (are really) Not Anglican) has announced that Akinola will consecrate four new bishops there in early December. These wheel re-inventors ultimately will have eight bishops for 30-35 churches.

Whoa! And you guys for years had a major jones about “all of the bishops” in the continuing Anglican churches? Who do you think you are, you bunch of Soapy Sams? Continuing churchmen have the franchise on bishop proliferation, and don’t forget it, pally!

The Toad received a copy of a helpful comment from one Fr. Blake Greenlee who says, “I'm sure that those planning the future of CANA have a plan and that they are now implementing it.” Yeah, Fr. G., and that would involve making enough of their buddies bishops so they have Episcopal throw-weight. (“We’ve got more bishops than you, nyah, nyah, nyah!”)

At the same time, all of those guys who’ve had a miter in the closet that they would try on in the privacy of their own rectories, can now get the prize they were so long denied in the old place. They can now emerge from the Episcopal closet-in the figurative sense, of course, since these jokers are all “orthodox”. (Say there, sport, is that hairspray on your hands? Rawwwwwwk!*)
With all of this rampant Lutheranism, perhaps they’fe just come up with a new formulation, “The Episcopate of All Believers”. Or, maybe, the “Priesthood of All Bishops”. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

But, wait there’s more! One writer had this to say: “I agree…that consecrating more bishops shows how foolish both Abp. Akinola and many US priests are.” And, yet another fellow asks, “Why does CANA, with 4 bishops already for 30-35 churches need four new ones?” But, then he answers his own question, “Everybody wants to be a bishop. How silly, self-preening and off-putting.”

Whoa, there! Self-preening? Is that like self-basting? And the Toad thought he had the corner on barbed commentary! Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Here’s what it boils down to, boys and girls. Everybody does want to be a bishop. It’s just due. Whether it’s the pathological need to be “in charge”, a messiah complex (“I am the only one who can save Anglicanism, reunite the East and West, and put Gondwanaland back together.”), or just “getting’ one’s due”, the purple derby has to stop.

The only thing that the Toad can say about this latest bit of bishop proliferation is that the candidates may have seen the inside of a legitimate seminary at some point. Of course, they’ve all been hanging out in ECUSA all this time, but, hey, pension trumps truth, and you can always grab a funny hat on the back end.

Well, the Toad has discovered the ultimate solution and has stolen it completely (with a minor modification or two) from the website of “John Not the Apostle”:

Inflatable Lifelike Mail-Order Bishop!

Are you having trouble getting the sort of episcopal supervision YOU want?Does your parish want the freedom of congregational rule without the stigma of COMING OUT as congregationals or presbyterians? Are you tired of bothering with those who disagree with you? Almy has heard your prayers and solved your problem! Now you can buy your OWN inflatable bishop, specially installed with download options to YOUR specifications! This bishop is guaranteed to say NOTHING which can surprise or offend!

NOW you can retain the HERITAGE and DIGNITY of episcopal visitation without worrying about heresy! The inflatable bishop comes with a sophisticated speaker system (activated by a remote control in YOUR hands!) programmed to pronounce absolution and benediction and words of confirmation and ordination--but only to those of whom YOU approve. Made of lifelike rubberite, the port-a-bishop has special velcro hands which attach to heads of confirmands and ordinands. Bishop deflates for safe, easy storage. Two models, to better accessorize your faith:

(a) Model 1928-AC. THE ANGLO-CATHOLIC, complete with 5 beautiful removable cape and mitre sets. $300.00
(b) Model 1928-lowprot. THE EVANGELICAL MODEL; left hand raised in warning, holding lifelike leatherette Bible. $150.00 (Please specify business suit or tweed jacket with oxford cloth clerical shirt in cheerful colours.)
Model 1928-lowprot is endorsed by the Prayer-Book Society.

PLEASE SPECIFY DIALECT OF YOUR EPISCOPAL VISITOR. Currently available: Oxbridge, Texan, Old South, Artistic Lisp*, and Rwandan *Model Discontinued.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT*The Sound of One Toad Barking