We're Back! Where are the presents?

(at left, Dr. Toad and staff member at office party, Christmas 2007)

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.-Phyllis Diller

Good Morning, Toads and Toadettes,

After a bit of time off, all of it well deserved, pally, we are back and barking. As we approach the Nativity, the Toad is pondering Christmas presents--for him. And so it is that our good friends over at Ship of Fools give us the Twelve Days of Kitschmas which you can find here:

http://shipoffools.com/kitschmas/index.html

These are billed as "twelve righteous and deserving products, plus a special item for the 13th day" of Christmas. The Toad is deeply torn among the St. Sebastian Pincushion (ouch!), the 512 Mb. Maria Memory Stick ("Oh, Blessed Maria, keep my data safe."), or the "Coffin Glamour Calendar".
Yes, here it is, boys and girls, "the frankly sexy Padre Pio casket, hand-crafted in Italian oak with a fully adjustable interior lovingly tailored in crepe. It's a shame that a model accidentally wandered onto the set and got in the way of seeing this baby in all its glory." As Ship of Fools urges, this Christmas "Think outside the box! Order your copy of the Coffin Glamour Calendar for your church vestry." It's just 9.30 Euros. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Other contenders include the Pope's Cologne, Holy Toast, and a Hip Flask Bible. They were thinking of a matching Hip Flask Book of Common Prayer, but they couldn't decide between the 1662 and the 1928. So you'll just have to rely on the usual your trusty Cane Flask and Pocket Flask to see you through that Christmas Vigil and first Mass of Christmas. After all, we do like to stick with traditional liturgical appointments. Rawk!* The folks at the Prayer Book Society will have it sorted out by next Christmas, or at least a Study Committee appointed to prepare a report to begin to explore the issue. (This, of course, will be made available on their website for a mere 8.40 Euros.)

The Toad supposes that this is all more harmless than buying your loved one a fake seminary education and the Bishop's Quality Vestment Assortment (light-up crozier not includes) this Christmas. (244 Euros + VAT). The Toad supposes that other gift possibilities (for him, not you), would include the Footballing Jesus Figure (just $20 plus postage), Armor of God PJs (only $39.95 plus shipping), or the non-stick coating, Jesus Pan ("puts the image of Jesus RIGHT ON FOOD!"). Yeow!

The Toad, though, who has quite enough swag, has decided that the most appropriate gifts (for him, not you, ok?) are comestibles. Specifically, a case of William Wilberforce Freedom Ale from Westerham Brewing in the UK ("Amazing taste! How sweet the round...") or God's Wallop Christmas Brew would be nice. Or how about some He'Brew "the chosen beer"("This Chanukah, candles won't be the only thing getting lit!")? You can visit the sites here http://www.westerhambrewery.co.uk/ and here http://www.shmaltz.com/

And, there you are. You have some truly great Christmas gifts to send to me, Dr. Roy Aldous Toad. Now, it's back to the office party where this year's holiday theme is "A Smile, A Song, A Lawsuit". After sufficient quantities of He'Brew brand Genesis Ale from the fine people at Schmaltz Brewing Company, we'll be back. We have a few things to bark about before the end of the year as well as our donation checks to certain seminaries, and we want to be in the true spirit of Christmas for the effort.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,


Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking