They Must Be Gods

“Homer and Hesiod have ascribed to the gods all things that are a shame and a disgrace among mortals, stealing and adulteries and deceiving on one another” -Xenophanes

Well, boys and girls,

It's Palm Sunday and the Toad has found another instance of someone sailing on de Nile. Rawk, rawk, rawk.* That's a joke, pally. You see Nile the river...denial...ah, forget it. You probably graduated from an unaccredited Anglican seminary. (Speaking of which, the Toad has heard a tasty rumor of another one springing up, like mushrooms on cow patties. But, soft, Toads and Toadettes, more when we have the sordide details.)

You see, an alert reader has informaed the Toad that another blog-one of the "brainy" ones and not of the quality one finds here in the fetid pond-a frequent commentor or two claimed the Toad is wrong. WRONG! There was no sheep stealing going on when a particular piratical prelate plucked a parish in the greater Oregon area. Oh, no...the bucaneer bishop made multiple visits, recounted a bunch of specious stories, split the aforesaid flock will and immediately posted the brigandage in a press release. Nawwwww, bunky. No stealing there. Have another sip of Kool-aid(R), you've been living in bizarro world for too long.

Oh, yeah, note to perfidious prelate: how are those payments to the church's landlord (oops, the EPISCOPALIAN LANDLORD!) working out for ya now that those parishioners who refused to be rustled have powdered with their purses? Bet you didn't know the joint was papered tighter than a government-owned carmaker. Rawwwwwk!* Careful what you gun for, boys and girls. It might blow back in unexpected ways.

Ah, but now it looks like the very same brigand bishop is punt-gunning for yet another prize--one that he's been after for years. Another alert reader has provided the Toad with a bunch of interesting e-mails to that effect, as well as attesting to the real state of the privateer prelate's "warm affection" for his "sister" jurisdictions, his convict clergy and, we dare say, unusual employment practices. (A chorus of It's No Fun, Being an Illegal Alien, maestro, please!) Rawk and rawk, again!* The Toad has learned that there may even be instances of the excess use of Loafer Lightener(R) by persons involved. (No, we won't "out" them...but we will taunt them mightily from afar. It's the Anglican way. Hey, even a former Anglican can still have fun, pally!) And, from that opening quote from our buddy Xenophanes, how's that "stealing and adulteries and deceiving on one another" working out? Truly, they are gods among men.

So here it is, theft, denial and crowing about the pilfering that never happened. You'd think these guys were using the same P.R. operation that the President's appointees rely on. Rawk.* Jusst a warning from the Toad to frighten and instruct. We've even thrown in a recipe not to be used until after Lent. AFTER Lent, pally, unless you want a cocktail stirrer up the old cassock.

Ingredients for a "Panty Thief"

Everclear® Alcohol
Crown Royal® Canadian Whisky
Jagermeister® Herbal Liqueur
7-Up® Soda

Quantities for one drink:

2 oz Everclear® Alcohol
2 oz Crown Royal® Canadian Whisky
2 oz Jagermeister® Herbal Liqueur
6 oz 7-Up® Soda

Blending Instructions:

Mix all ingredients well. Don't just wizzle it with a plastic stick, pally. Put it in a paint shaker and let it rip. Just keep it away from open flame.

Forget parish-napping, kiddies, one quaff of this and you'll steal the Rural Dean's knickers. Trouble is, you'll have to explain that they're not yours.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

“Bishop” Roy Aldous Toad,DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Pirate Prelate-Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Church and Sheep Ranch-Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking