And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh. -Friedrich Nietzsche
Well, Toads and Toadettes,
Out here in the Upper Southern Midwest we have been following the antics of our frozen brethren out East. The Toad just has to ask, “Enough snow for ya’?” Rawk.*
Listening to Maria Callas in La Boheme (that’s Puccini for you Philistines, boys and girls), the Toad is thinking about tragedy. Of course, the Toad always thinks about tragedy. It’s a way of life, bunky, and we don’t want to mess with “lifestyle” these days do we?
Speaking of lifestyle, the generous offer from across the Tiber that is the Apostolic Constitution is really bringing out the “lifestlyers”. Every nutcake, fruitbat and whifter is tying to get legitimized. It’s the ecclesiastical equivalent of getting “Sanforized”-white and clean in just an hour. Hanger or box? It’s more colorful than Flor de Azalea (that’s Placido Domingo, bunky), except the flowers don’t smell so sweet and they dance to the vagante beat. Rawk.*
In one message sent by an alert reader to Toad Central carrying the Anglican Use group label (translate: Roman Catholics with a borrowed aesthetic), one of the new enthusiasts for the Toad’s favorite Church is emblematic of the high weirdness now unleashed. Like flies to the honey dipper, they do seek some legitimacy. And so surfaces the “Most Reverend Louis Bernhardt, O.S.A.” The Toad took a stiff belt of his Kentucky Blizzard, turned up Mignon (that’s more opera, bunky) and deep-researched the good “archbishop” now interested in the Apostolic Constitution that can Sanforize him into the “big house”.
Actually, the research was only as deep as a half-glass of Kentucky Blizzard and the results suitably “Anglo-catholic”. The Houston Ministry Referral Services website reveals the inquirer into the “Mother Church” as follows:
Wedding and Baptism Celebrations-Minister-Catholic Priest- Christian Preacher- Wedding Ceremonies-Vow-Performed- Religious Weddding Celebrations-Outdoor Weddings-Galveston Beach Wedding Minister-WEDDING OFFICIANT- Cristian Wedding Vow, Catholic Weddings, catholic,church wedding, wedding chapels,marraige vow,marriage ceremony, renewal of marriage vows,honeymoon, honey moon, bride, groom,nuptials,anglican catholic priest, engagement,reception,rehearsal,wedding location in Texas, Texas minister for nuptials, Military Events Chaplain, Chaplain Louis Bernhardt, Father Louis N. Bernhardt, O.S.A. United States Air Force, Army,Navy,Marines,National Guard Chaplain. Bishop's Weddings performed officiated,Member: Texas Association of Wedding Officiants +.Wow! It’s all just there, he’s a chaplain in every armed service and a few unarmed, and then there the membership in the Texas Association of Wedding Officiants which draws “from within a variety of faiths, religions and beliefs, thus enabling an engaged couple to find the Officiant most suited to their needs.” And, while he desperately needs a spell checker, at least he’s not running a fake seminary.
But, let's take a look at the Texas Association of Wedding Officiants. Through this Association, you can get Rev. Sherry D. Tavel of “Weddings by Sherry” who will do you up a wedding “at churches, hotels, ships, outdoors, banquet halls, wedding chapels, her home, etc.” “From the most sophisticated of weddings to the more casual settings, Rev. Sherry will assist to create an appropriate atmosphere.” The Toad wants to know about the “etc.” part as he wants a zeppelin-themed ceremony. At least she’s not holding herself out as a “Womyn priest”…at least not yet.
Good old Reverend Sherry has counseled couples prior to marriage and also those contemplating divorce. She is a licensed practicing attorney in the State of Texas and an associate City Municipal Judge. Talk about a full service ministry-Rev. Sherry gets them coming and going! Rawk, rawk.*
Of course, the good Archbishop also hangs with Rev. Alan Safford of “A Wedding Just For You”. Now, the Toad wanted to know about the availability of amphibian ceremonies, so he checked out the website of the “wedding officiant who will perform any type of wedding ceremony you desire, at the location of your choice in the Houston, Tx. area.” The Toad particularly liked the popularized “Medieval ceremony” which looked surprisingly like a pirated 1928 Anglican special...or something like it. Although the “rev” prefers “meeting the Bride and Groom in person, all details can be handled by e-mail or phone.” At least, he’s not handling snakes.
And of the putatively Tiber-crossing “Anglican” “Archbishop” Louis N. Bernhardt, O.S.A.? Well, he’s a kahuna in something called the Anglican Rite Old Catholic Church which even the Toad had a time finding. Not much there other than they use the 1928 BCP from time to time, but, hey, who doesn’t?
So, we checked the Archbishop’s personal wedding site. If you want to get hitched, he serves the “entire San Antonio, The San Antonio River Walk, all Military Bases, Country Clubs, Bed & Breakfast, Courthouse, Parks, and Weddings at private homes. Also Serving for Austin & New Braunfels.” He’ll travel up to 200 miles in any direction of San Antonio, and, “Should you require a minister for your needs at any location within 200 miles [he] will come to you.” Of course, “[t]here will be an extra fee for driving there and back, plus one night room accomendations.” It’s those “accomendations” the Toad wants to know about. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*
Near as the Toad can tell, at least this archbishop isn’t causing a ruckus. Judging by the pictures of the happy couples, the good metropolitan is just marrying a few happy couples-no questions asked, taking care of confirmations at lower cost and without those pesky instructions that the local Mother Church franchisee is offering and doing those special Quinceanera Celebrations and Masses in the Catholic Tradition or as a nondenominational celebration “at your location”. He’s just looking to upgrade those services with a little Anglicanorum coetibus, either in spray or dab on.
While the Toad knows nothing of his history, at least this metopolitical tadpole doesn’t claim hundreds of thousands of panting supporters. At least he doesn’t issue breathless press releases, travel the world with leggy canons staying in top flight "accomendations" or even lose sleep over the location of the proceeds from the sale of church properties. He doesn’t have that kind of Anglo-Catholic clout or access to swag. At least not that the Toad can find. He's at least not calling himself an Anglo-Catholic...at least not yet. Nosiree, boys and girls. Archbishop Bernhardt is just an old-fashioned simoniac trying to get a bone from the big table. At least he doesn’t appear to have larger pretensions—not even a golf shirt emblazoned with the crest of the Holy Old Catholic Anglican Rite…or [fill in the blank] Anglican Church. What is the Toad? A vagante encyclopedia?
Unlike those with pretentions, at least Archbishop Louis (why are these guys all named Louis?) is just trying to make a living off of la vie religieuse—and, he seems to meet the needs of ordinary people who couldn’t find a priest to do up little Maria Conchita’s Quinceanera ceremony on that special date between INS raids and when the rest of the family could get back across the border. At least there is no claim to greatness--just a look with nose pressed to the window to see whether better “accomendations” might be available.
In the meantime, if you are down Texas way, “Saint Paul's United on Long Point Dr. in NW Houston is available FOR RENT if you desire a church wedding. Chapels FOR RENT in other areas of Houston also. You may arrange a church rental and we will be happy to officiate.” Man, that’s on time, low cost delivery in nice "accommendations". It’s the very least we can do. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*
As for the Toad, at least he has a large pitcher of Kentucky Blizzards at hand:
Ingredients for a Kentucky Blizzard
• Bourbon Whiskey
• Cranberry Juice
• Lime Juice
• Grenadine Syrup
• Sugar
Quantities for one drink:
• 1 1/2 oz Bourbon Whiskey
• 1 1/2 oz Cranberry Juice
• 1/2 oz Lime Juice
• 1/2 oz Grenadine Syrup
• 1 tsp Sugar
Blending Instructions:
• Pour all ingredients into a cocktail shaker half-filled with cracked ice
• Shake well, and strain into a cocktail glass
• Garnish with a half-slice of orange, and serve in a Cocktail Glass.
Four or five of these and you’ll be looking for new “accomendations” yourself! Rawk.*
Yr. Obed. Serv.,
Archbishop Roy Aldous Toad, D. Phil. (Oxen.), LSMFT
Holy Traditional Anglican Church of Rome and Wedding Service
(Good Franchises Still Available In Your Town)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking
