It's that season again. A time to celebrate...something. In the Toad's case, it is the arrival of 250 cases of inexpensive rose to while away the summer hours. "Think pink for the drink" is our motto here at the pond. Ok, bunky, it's not much of a motto but it's not much of a wine either. Rawk!
In the case of our friends "across the pond", it's time to celebrate conversion. Not what you think you pious little weeds. Real conversion. You know: "Gender Reassignment Surgery" a/k/a "Gender Confirmation Surgery" a/k/a "addadictomy" and such like. We're talking either the old lopping off or sewing on. Or maybe both. Ouch, rawk!
Seems as though the jolly old...or is it gay old...Church of England is considering a scheme to introduce a ceremony sort of like a baptism to mark the new identities of Christians who undergo a little self-mutilation so that they can release their inner whatever. The motion out of the Diocese of Blackburn (which includes the fleshpots of Poulton and Whalley) calls on the House of Bishops to sort of...like...consider whether it should introduce a new service to mark the milestone in the life of a tranny-either the chopping and lopping or the sewing and stitching. A spokesperson (unclear of which "gender identity") for the Archbishop of Canterbury's Council confirmed that the motion had
been received, but debate was not to be on, at least immediately.said it would not be debated
imminently.
In response one Andrew Symes (Mrs.), the executive secretary and master of understatement for something called Anglican
Mainstream, had this resounding reposte, "The Christian faith has always taught
that people are created male and female. We speak for the conservative
traditional point
of view. We are aware there are a number of people who
want to change from one gender to another and that's a new thing for the
church to deal with. It would be something that would go against the
teachings of the church up till now. It would be something that would
cause controversy." Controversy? Contrroversy!?! Rawk, rawk, rawk.
But Andrew (perhaps "Mabel" to his confidantes) gets out the backhoe and goes for real depth,
"To recognize all people is something the church
should be doing but to have a service of blessing for someone to change their
gender is a new idea. It's not been discussed before in the Church of
England. It would need a lot of discussion and debate by theologians and I
would need to
know whether there are other agendas by the people
bringing it. I would be very surprised if the diocese has passed the motion
without a lot of discussion and debate." New idea? Wouldn't be passed without "a lot of discussion and debate"?
The Toad may be into his third bottle of rose, but 'tis easy to see what this paragon of orthodoxy is saying. It's a new idea, and we are simply going to ttalk it to death. Just like we did with womyn's ordination.* Just like we did with womyn bishops.* Just like we did with homosexual "marriage". Then, quick as a wink, Dr. Katchukakoff's "Chop House" will be able to send the converts around for a little ceremony to increase their self esteem and sense of belonging.
The Toad has to ask. Will there be a separate ceremony to...um...inter the...um...you know...missing...parts? Or, in the spirit of the environmentally conscious CofE will the church urge recycling of the...um..parts... to those parishioners converting in the other direction?
Perhaps local parishes could set up "Parts Exchange Bulletin Boards" in the parish hall. Cash strapped parishes could really get behind package deals with local "gender reassignment" surgeries and local wedding planners who could introduce a whole line of services to go with the new "Conversion Ceremony". Don't want to guess at what might top the cake, though. Rawwwwwwk!
Well, boys and girls, or girls and boys, or whatever you think you are. The Toad knows that his inner toad is a toad. A male Toad. If you are thinking you are going to pop round stately Toad Hall or scenic Toad Pond to have yourself a "conversion party" you can expect to be greeted with an hail of empty rose bottles. Don't drop any of your...um...parts...on the way off the property. And that includes you, Mr. or Ms. Jenner. Rawk!Now, it's time to put away the rose for afternoon cocktail hour and, you guessed it, bunky, the
GENDER BENDER SHOOTER
1. In a shot glass pour the blue curaçao.
2. Carefully layer Jack Daniel’s on top.
3. Layer dark rum over the Jack Daniel’s.
4. Finally layer Irish cream over Jack Daniel’s.
The good folks over at Cocktail Hunter bill the Gender Bender shooter as "a strong and wicked little drink. This shooter looks a little different each time that you make one." Just like post-conversion parishioners. Great jumpin' Jenner! Rawwwwwk!
Yr. Obed. Serv.,
Roy Toad (Dr.), DD, JD, LSMFT
*You alert toadies and toadettes will notice the cool use of femynist spellings in today's column. Neat, huh? It is the first and the last time. We;re just see whether you are paying attention and reading footnotes.
