The Barking Toad(R)

2010-02-25T10:22:00.005-05:00

At Least

And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh. -Friedrich Nietzsche

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

Out here in the Upper Southern Midwest we have been following the antics of our frozen brethren out East. The Toad just has to ask, “Enough snow for ya’?” Rawk.*

Listening to Maria Callas in La Boheme (that’s Puccini for you Philistines, boys and girls), the Toad is thinking about tragedy. Of course, the Toad always thinks about tragedy. It’s a way of life, bunky, and we don’t want to mess with “lifestyle” these days do we?

Speaking of lifestyle, the generous offer from across the Tiber that is the Apostolic Constitution is really bringing out the “lifestlyers”. Every nutcake, fruitbat and whifter is tying to get legitimized. It’s the ecclesiastical equivalent of getting “Sanforized”-white and clean in just an hour. Hanger or box? It’s more colorful than Flor de Azalea (that’s Placido Domingo, bunky), except the flowers don’t smell so sweet and they dance to the vagante beat. Rawk.*

In one message sent by an alert reader to Toad Central carrying the Anglican Use group label (translate: Roman Catholics with a borrowed aesthetic), one of the new enthusiasts for the Toad’s favorite Church is emblematic of the high weirdness now unleashed. Like flies to the honey dipper, they do seek some legitimacy. And so surfaces the “Most Reverend Louis Bernhardt, O.S.A.” The Toad took a stiff belt of his Kentucky Blizzard, turned up Mignon (that’s more opera, bunky) and deep-researched the good “archbishop” now interested in the Apostolic Constitution that can Sanforize him into the “big house”.

Actually, the research was only as deep as a half-glass of Kentucky Blizzard and the results suitably “Anglo-catholic”. The Houston Ministry Referral Services website reveals the inquirer into the “Mother Church” as follows:

Wedding and Baptism Celebrations-Minister-Catholic Priest- Christian Preacher- Wedding Ceremonies-Vow-Performed- Religious Weddding Celebrations-Outdoor Weddings-Galveston Beach Wedding Minister-WEDDING OFFICIANT- Cristian Wedding Vow, Catholic Weddings, catholic,church wedding, wedding chapels,marraige vow,marriage ceremony, renewal of marriage vows,honeymoon, honey moon, bride, groom,nuptials,anglican catholic priest, engagement,reception,rehearsal,wedding location in Texas, Texas minister for nuptials, Military Events Chaplain, Chaplain Louis Bernhardt, Father Louis N. Bernhardt, O.S.A. United States Air Force, Army,Navy,Marines,National Guard Chaplain. Bishop's Weddings performed officiated,Member: Texas Association of Wedding Officiants +.

Wow! It’s all just there, he’s a chaplain in every armed service and a few unarmed, and then there the membership in the Texas Association of Wedding Officiants which draws “from within a variety of faiths, religions and beliefs, thus enabling an engaged couple to find the Officiant most suited to their needs.” And, while he desperately needs a spell checker, at least he’s not running a fake seminary.

But, let's take a look at the Texas Association of Wedding Officiants. Through this Association, you can get Rev. Sherry D. Tavel of “Weddings by Sherry” who will do you up a wedding “at churches, hotels, ships, outdoors, banquet halls, wedding chapels, her home, etc.” “From the most sophisticated of weddings to the more casual settings, Rev. Sherry will assist to create an appropriate atmosphere.” The Toad wants to know about the “etc.” part as he wants a zeppelin-themed ceremony. At least she’s not holding herself out as a “Womyn priest”…at least not yet.

Good old Reverend Sherry has counseled couples prior to marriage and also those contemplating divorce. She is a licensed practicing attorney in the State of Texas and an associate City Municipal Judge. Talk about a full service ministry-Rev. Sherry gets them coming and going! Rawk, rawk.*

Of course, the good Archbishop also hangs with Rev. Alan Safford of “A Wedding Just For You”. Now, the Toad wanted to know about the availability of amphibian ceremonies, so he checked out the website of the “wedding officiant who will perform any type of wedding ceremony you desire, at the location of your choice in the Houston, Tx. area.” The Toad particularly liked the popularized “Medieval ceremony” which looked surprisingly like a pirated 1928 Anglican special...or something like it. Although the “rev” prefers “meeting the Bride and Groom in person, all details can be handled by e-mail or phone.” At least, he’s not handling snakes.

And of the putatively Tiber-crossing “Anglican” “Archbishop” Louis N. Bernhardt, O.S.A.? Well, he’s a kahuna in something called the Anglican Rite Old Catholic Church which even the Toad had a time finding. Not much there other than they use the 1928 BCP from time to time, but, hey, who doesn’t?

So, we checked the Archbishop’s personal wedding site. If you want to get hitched, he serves the “entire San Antonio, The San Antonio River Walk, all Military Bases, Country Clubs, Bed & Breakfast, Courthouse, Parks, and Weddings at private homes. Also Serving for Austin & New Braunfels.” He’ll travel up to 200 miles in any direction of San Antonio, and, “Should you require a minister for your needs at any location within 200 miles [he] will come to you.” Of course, “[t]here will be an extra fee for driving there and back, plus one night room accomendations.” It’s those “accomendations” the Toad wants to know about. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

Near as the Toad can tell, at least this archbishop isn’t causing a ruckus. Judging by the pictures of the happy couples, the good metropolitan is just marrying a few happy couples-no questions asked, taking care of confirmations at lower cost and without those pesky instructions that the local Mother Church franchisee is offering and doing those special Quinceanera Celebrations and Masses in the Catholic Tradition or as a nondenominational celebration “at your location”. He’s just looking to upgrade those services with a little Anglicanorum coetibus, either in spray or dab on.

While the Toad knows nothing of his history, at least this metopolitical tadpole doesn’t claim hundreds of thousands of panting supporters. At least he doesn’t issue breathless press releases, travel the world with leggy canons staying in top flight "accomendations" or even lose sleep over the location of the proceeds from the sale of church properties. He doesn’t have that kind of Anglo-Catholic clout or access to swag. At least not that the Toad can find. He's at least not calling himself an Anglo-Catholic...at least not yet. Nosiree, boys and girls. Archbishop Bernhardt is just an old-fashioned simoniac trying to get a bone from the big table. At least he doesn’t appear to have larger pretensions—not even a golf shirt emblazoned with the crest of the Holy Old Catholic Anglican Rite…or [fill in the blank] Anglican Church. What is the Toad? A vagante encyclopedia?

Unlike those with pretentions, at least Archbishop Louis (why are these guys all named Louis?) is just trying to make a living off of la vie religieuse—and, he seems to meet the needs of ordinary people who couldn’t find a priest to do up little Maria Conchita’s Quinceanera ceremony on that special date between INS raids and when the rest of the family could get back across the border. At least there is no claim to greatness--just a look with nose pressed to the window to see whether better “accomendations” might be available.

In the meantime, if you are down Texas way, “Saint Paul's United on Long Point Dr. in NW Houston is available FOR RENT if you desire a church wedding. Chapels FOR RENT in other areas of Houston also. You may arrange a church rental and we will be happy to officiate.” Man, that’s on time, low cost delivery in nice "accommendations". It’s the very least we can do. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

As for the Toad, at least he has a large pitcher of Kentucky Blizzards at hand:

Ingredients for a Kentucky Blizzard

• Bourbon Whiskey
• Cranberry Juice
• Lime Juice
• Grenadine Syrup
• Sugar

Quantities for one drink:

• 1 1/2 oz Bourbon Whiskey
• 1 1/2 oz Cranberry Juice
• 1/2 oz Lime Juice
• 1/2 oz Grenadine Syrup
• 1 tsp Sugar

Blending Instructions:

• Pour all ingredients into a cocktail shaker half-filled with cracked ice
• Shake well, and strain into a cocktail glass
• Garnish with a half-slice of orange, and serve in a Cocktail Glass.

Four or five of these and you’ll be looking for new “accomendations” yourself! Rawk.*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Archbishop Roy Aldous Toad, D. Phil. (Oxen.), LSMFT
Holy Traditional Anglican Church of Rome and Wedding Service
(Good Franchises Still Available In Your Town)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-12-23T22:29:00.004-05:00

Chiaology

“Ch-ch-ch-chia!”
-Advertising Jingle for the Chia Pet®

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad has been lurking the corridors of stately Toad Hall in customary fez and smoking jacket contemplating mockeries of the year past. “Smug and Self-Satisfied,” game to mind. This is not a law firm, bunky. It’s a good feeling in the satire business. “Smugness and Self-Satisfaction” (“S&S” to those in the biz). These make for the unhealthy glow that follows a good bout of knocking off others who aspire to the same goal. But you know, boys and girls, there’s only so much S&S to go round and the Toad ain’t sharing. He doesn’t have to. He’s the Barking Toad.® Rawk.*

So, with a veritable treasure house of S&S laid up, the Toad found himself in a reverie accented with mild gloating over how Easterners handle a little snow. Hey, don’t like it, move to Florida, maybe the greater Orlando area, pally. There’s maybe a snow job going on there, but the hot air keeps it mostly under control, if you get my "drift." Rawk, rawk, rawk.* (Sometimes the Toad even amazes himself!)

The Toad was just getting to another shaker of The Last Word cocktails-the ideal drink for the amphibious satirist-when he was surprised by his back-up singers, the Toadelles. This sequined band of musical mayhem makers toured with the Toad back in his R&B (rawk* and bark) days. Twila Toad, Tonetta Toad, Tondelao Toad and, of course, Tina Toad had stopped in to see what the Amphibious One might want for Christmas and to catch up on the holiday drinking. After firing up the big blender, we settled in on the lily pads to ponder presents.

What do you get for the Toad who has everything? No cilices for the Toad, pally, and the electronics are superb in stately Toad Hall. Maybe it is the Chia Pet®, that “brand of collectible animal figurines originated by the San Francisco, California-based company Joseph Enterprises Inc.”

Chia Pets are traditional Mexican animal-shaped clay figures covered with "chia", a vegetable sprout resembling the particular animal’s fur or, in the case of human figures, their body hair. (Sounds like the Toad's late uncle Vito, but only on the back and shoulders. Rawk!*) These babies work, if you can call it that, by applying moistened seeds of Salvia hispanica, the sprout-like plant from whose common name the Chia Pet gets its name, to the grooved terra cotta figurine body. After three to five days of filling and refilling the Chia Pet with water as well as discarding water that has accumulated in the provided drip tray, the seeds sprout, having formed a gelatinous coat that adheres to the Chia Pet's body. At this point, little effort is required to maintain the plant covering of the Chia Pet.

Several Chia Pet animals currently are available, including a turtle, pig, puppy, kitten, frog, and hippopotamus. Sculpted Chia heads and licensed Pets based on popular cartoon characters like Garfield, Scooby Doo, Looney Tunes, Shrek, The Simpsons, Spongebob, and most recently the Chia Obama. (Now there’s a scary image.) There are, though, no Chia Toads, a glaring deficiency which probably resulted in their subsequent decline in popularity has relegated these objects to fad status. In case you were wondering, the catch phrase sung in the TV commercial as the plant grows in time lapse is “Ch-ch-ch-chia!”

Wow, Toads and Toadettes! It’s a pet, it’s a plant, and it’s a work of art all in one. And you don’t have to be involved after an initial small and mildly distasteful effort. It may even be a theological metaphor. You were waiting to see there this would go, weren’t you bunky? Well, have another Last Word and just wait for it. Rawk*

On the Odd Religious Behavior Front, (between St. Michel and Ypres), the Toad has taken a few shots lately at some guys who are trying to decide what they are in a religious sense. It seems as though they lost their identity faster than Uma Thurman in a Quentin Tarrantino film. That’s a cultural reference, bunky, look it up. Of course, that presupposes they ever had an identity in the first place. Rawk.*

After all, what do you do when you need to announce that your "worldview" has run the gamut from paganism, broad evangelicalism, foaming-at-the-mouth rabid Calvinism, Anglicanism, to Roman Catholicism of the Opus Dei (Latin for “fanatical cult”) sort? Hmmmmm. There’s more identities there than Sybil. How do you spell "confused"?

Or, let’s try the “archdeacon” who has been a “traditional Anglican” after having spent three decades as a Reformed Church minister. This fellow, who discovered his "Anglican identity" in the last couple of years recently announced in public that he’s not able to believe that his ordination by presbyters in the Reformed tradition was invalid or that the hundreds of “Eucharists” that he claims to have “celebrated” for over 30 years were just empty signs. It seems that he sees reordination simply as a “reaffirmation of [his] previous 30 years of ordained ministry.” Wow, bunky! That might not be a problem in your current venue (after all, lack of education, formation, multiple wives, disbarment and other scandales, aren't problematic), but, you might want to plan to be going to one or two remedial classes on that little issue when you get to your new venue. They have a wee bit of different take on the question of those pesky sacraments. Rawk, rawk.*

Maybe it could all work out in a new religious outlook the Toad will call Chiaology. It works this way, boys and girls. We’ll get a hollow clay church building, say in that quaint English familiar style. You can even add the Chia-bishop®, Chia-priest® and even a Chia-deacon®. All of them suitably hollow inside, but not Mexican-made, pally. No foreign goods, here. The Toad only buys American, except for the lawn service, the pool service, the housecleaning service, the car detailing service, and occasional fast food purchases. Rawk.*

And, you don’t have to really worry about that hole inside. Content doesn’t matter to the real practitioner of Chiaology. You can put anything in there or nothing at all. It doesn’t matter, rally. Great shades of Fernando, it just matters that it looks marvelous, pally. That’s Chia-“patrimony”.

Then, you apply the chia seeds—we can even get them in the appropriate liturgical colors from C.M. Almy’s new Botanical Division. We just paste them on there in gelatinous coat—the kind that is formless and wobbles and jiggles until it settles down on whatever Chia shape is underneath.

Now, the bad news-you do have to do a little work. Not much, bunky, not like going to a real seminary or even having a real ordination. But Chiaology does require some up-front effort-you know, read the manual, dump out the water. But it won’t last long. Soon, the sprout-like plant will cover any grooves or marks, and you will feel all warm and comfy-like. Chiaology is sort of like having eight or nine Last Word’s—everything gets hazy and indistinct. You really don’t have to work at it any more, or bother the mind with substance.

You do get only a limited initial number of Chia seeds, though. What happens when the first ones die off and the same ones aren’t available from our good friends at C.M. Almy’s Botanical Division? Well, you can get almost the same salvia hispanica from that bigger supplier. And what if you break your Chia-bishop? You can get almost the same kind, and when that vegetable patina grows out it will almost be the same. And, that’s the way it is, pally. No worry, though, because Chia-patrimony is all on the surface anyway. Just as long as you can sing that familiar, “Ch-ch-ch-chia!” (#437 in the 1940 Chia-Hymnal), you will be just fine. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

So, the Toad is bunkering in for Christmas. He’ll leave hollow figures on the windowsill, unless it’s a Chia-Obama (as content free as any other Chia-pet). That one will have to have a place right there on the bookshelf in the study next to Joey Escribá’s The Dummy’s Guide to Flagellation, Hank Zwingli’s Big Book of Sacraments and, from the mansion, Hep’s Little Black Book (Hardcover edition).

After attending to sending threat letters (you think a present like a Chia-anything gets a thank you?), the Toad will head out to the trench line where “the Padre” will lay on a nice Christmas Eve service for the Toads and Toadettes standing watch. Afterwards, we’ll gaze out on the star shells bursting over No-Man’s Land and wait for the sweet strains of one of the Huns singing a traditional German carol. Then, tear in the eye, the Toad will drop him like a sack of spuds in his tracks from 100 yards out with a round from the trusty .303 Enfield, and take the chocolate ration off him for good measure. The Hun bastard was probably a practicing Chiaologist to boot! Rawk, rawk, rawk!

Now, religious rancor almost aside, (thats double consonance, pally, be amazed), it’s that part of the column you all wait for: the drink recipe. For Christmas it’s the aptly-named Last Word. When it comes to flavor, Toads and Toadettes, this little ambuscade in a glass lives up to its name. Made with gin, fresh squeezed lime juice, maraschino liqueur and green (of course) Chartreuse. The Last Word is a prohibition-era drink, which originated at the Detroit Athletic Club and had gotten lost until a Seattle bartender Murray Stenson (not a known Chiaologist) discovered it while rifling through old cocktail manuals and long-lost S.P.C.K. publications.

Considered one of America’s top bartenders, Stenson found The Last Word in “Bottoms Up!” (or was that, "Buttocks Up"?) by Ted Saucier, a 1951 bartender’s guide that is so old it was bound together reportedly by packaging tape. Or, maybe it was a gelatinous substance. In any event, here is

The Last Word

1/2 ounce gin
1/2 ounce lime juice
1/2 ounce green Chartreuse
1/2 ounce maraschino liqueur

Shake with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. A few of these, bunky, and you’ll be chasing Chia-pets with the balsamic vinaigrette and a packet of croutons.

Merry Christmas (we don’t say “holiday” here) to all, and to all a Toad night!

Yr. Obed. Serv.

Brigadier Roy Aldous Toad, O.B.E. (Order of the Bufodinae Empire), M.Ch. (Master of Chialogy), D. Phil. (Oxen.), LSMFT
Somewhere Near the Ypres Salient
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-12-18T19:05:00.000-05:00

Identity Crisis

I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside. I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs two hundred fifteen pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab of the gray truck outside, and at this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before my hands start shaking. Now why would I know that? How can I know that and not know who I am?

-Jason Bourne, The Bourne Identity

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

It seems that Christmas is fast approaching Toad Pond, and, here in the upper southern Midwest, we cosmopolitan amphibians have donned our fezzes and smoking jackets for indoor festivities and a general bout of rejoicing. Less prudent bufodinae-those without fireplaces and central heat--already are frozen down, perhaps to emerge in the New Year. They should have gotten that last delivery from Hiram Distilleries. But, hey, someone has to be a “spring peeper,” right? Rawk!*

It’s time to reflect on the dyspepsia of the year past. We’ve eviscerated Episcopalians, lanced Lutherans, ambushed Anglicans, stabbed seculars and vilified vagantes. The Toad has even tumbled the truth on so-called “traditional” Christians, both to maintain consonance and to harpoon hypocrisy. (C’mon, boys and girls, that’s good even by the Toad’s standards. Rawk.*)

So, whilst firing up another cigar and mixing a few Identity Crisis cocktails (see below so you can drink along, bunky), the Toad had a look at the latest e-mails. Apart from the customary “enhancement” pitches (hey, the Toad doesn’t need ‘em, they're for a friend) and Nigerian widows needing bank information to stash the huge sums of money hubby left, the Toad saw a bunch of e-stuff purporting to “unmask” him.

“We know who you are, and we know where you live” messages get a bit tedious. It was so nice of the blog host to give us an application to identify message originators. Now the Toad can say with confidence to Fr. K. that you really ought to check out a German dictionary or consult a retired shop teacher from Cleveland (“No, I vas never camp guard during ze var-I vas window cleaner.”) before attempting German.

In case you missed it, boys and girls, the Toad is a mélange, a volatile mixture, but, damn it, not a potpourri-that’s for Episcopalians. Several personae appear here, which is why the Toad writes third person. It’s true that someone owns this site and even owns the trademark. But, never count on knowing who might be doing the actual poking, japing and bearding of your favorite objects of derision. Nosireee, pally. This site is satirized…er…sanitized for our protection.

But, you go on. Keep sending those amusing little menacing e-mails. Guess, what? The Toad won’t publish them. There might be theft of any good material, what little there is, but your ego won’t be gratified by seeing your pitiful efforts in electronic ink. The Toad doesn’t care. He doesn’t have to because he’s comfortable with his amphibious identity.

Not so with some of you boys and girls sending messages. The Toad has seen Lutheran monsignors, Episcopagans, archiwhozisses from “relatively new jurisdictions”, and clergy of every shape and kind bound together with the common string of fraudulent credentials and thirst for “authority”. These are the boys (and occasional girl) who have done Rotary, the animal clubs (Elk, Moose, Platypus and such), Masons, the Legion and now know that they are absolutely “called” to be clergy. It’s going to be alright—the Toad will expose you as you pop up out of the dark like mushrooms after a good rain whatever sun porch seminary you are hiding in.

But, now, there’s a new kind of identity crisis abroad. An alert reader whose posts the Toad will never publish has hit upon a blog run by several guys calling themselves “Anglo-Catholic”, but who appear to be ultra-Montane Roman Catholics. The Toad steeled himself with a few Identity Crisis cocktails, and went to view this latest Christmas apparition.

Well, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Looks like the operation is run by the members of the same “jurisdiction” that has the disbarred chancellor on whom the Toad reported a couple of months ago. Now, backed by the same bishop or at least supported by his “cathedral” operation, these folks are making Opus Dei adherents look like Calvinists. All the while, the main web site of the sponsor (what is his real name, exactly?) claims to be an “Anglican” operation.

It sure does look like anything remotely Anglican has been tossed over the side of an Orlando charter boat. A little net surfing has proven to the Toad this has not set very well in “Anglo-Catholic” land, and that, as a result of “misinformation” it seems as though a number of people in that small group (and it really is small, boys and girls) aren’t particularly happy about being bartered off by the bishop (consonance, fear it) to Rome to strains of It is Well With My Soul. Rawk, rawk.*

The Toad’s favorite purveyor this bit of religious incontinence in all of this is the Anglican clergyman (you are not a priest over here, pally) the Toad will call “Christmas”, because we don’t say “holiday” here, bunky. Seems that Doctor Christmas bills himself as a “cooperator” in the Priestly Society of the Holy Cross, an association of clergy “intrinsically united with Opus Dei.” You Toads and Toadettes who might not be familiar with Opus having been living on a desert island during the DaVinci Code flap (think homicidal Albino monks), should understand that it’s a bit like Freemasonry for Roman Catholics. On steroids. With much, much more flagellation.

Doctor Christmas is quite taken with all of this, particularly given that, as a cooperator, he can “receive the spiritual goods the Church grants to those who collaborate with Opus Dei. These include indulgences which the cooperators, provided they observe the conditions established by the Church, can gain on specific days of the year, and whenever out of devotion they renew their obligations as cooperators.”

Whoa! Indulgences! Great jumping Tetzel! Guess the good doctor was out the day that they covered indulgences over at the Reformed Theological Seminary way back in 2002. (Quick trip through being an Anglican, but, unlike many “continuing Anglicans,” at least it’s legit.)

Take comfort, bunky. After assisting “in the effort to bring tens of thousands into the Church”, one day you might get to be a supernumerary or even a numerary. The Toad wonders if you’ll get a special hat. Just remember not to tie that cilice (a/k/a spiked mortification chain) too tight, or in the wrong place, pally! Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Or, how about “The Discipline” which is described on the Opus Dei Awareness site as “a cord-like whip which resembles macramé, used on the buttocks or back once a week. Opus Dei members must ask permission to use it more often, which many do.” The Toad will spare you the story of how hard and frequently “the Founder” liked to use it. It is nearly Christmas (not “holiday” damn it) after all. The Toad will keep the macramé on the hanging plants in the orangery, thank you.

Because they are there, we will just share a soupcon of relevant quotes from the writings of Opus Dei Founder, Josemaria Escriva. How about, “Blessed be pain. Loved be pain. Sanctified be pain. . . Glorified be pain!” (The Way, 208) Hey, you Anglican Toads and Toadettes, that doesn’t mean doing without the kneelers. Or, how about this one from “The Founder”? “Your worst enemy is yourself.” (The Way, 225) And, then, “You have come to the apostolate to submit, to annihilate yourself, not to impose your own personal viewpoints.” (The Way, 936) How do you spell cult, boys and girls?

So, here’s the deal. This particular little group wants to play the Palace. Fair enough, but, the Toad smells fakery. Things aren’t straight up where the cultists roam, and, the good Doctor, having one of the few real degrees among the flock of clergy in “Anglo-Catholic” land just may be marching to a very different drummer. It may also be, Toads and Toadettes, that the Acme Company, heartily endorsed by one Wiley E. Coyote, is in the cilice business and got the directions off. Putting such a thing around one’s neck will have certain problematic “side effects”. Worse than those “enhancements”. Rawwwwwwwk.*

Now, it’s time to get back to serious winter entertainments as the snow falls. But, soft! Is that the UPS representative in with the rum delivery from Santo Domingo? The Toad doesn’t remember an Albino delivery man with a limp on this route. Hmmmm.

The Identity Crisis (ok-it’s a Boston Sidecar, the cocktail with an identity crisis)

1 oz light rum
1/2 oz brandy
1/2 oz triple sec
1/2 oz lemon juice

Mix all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a chilled Martini glass.

A couple of these, pally, and you’ll be wondering, “If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?” (With the Toad’s apologies to Chuck Palahniuk, but, hey, you ain’t sellin’ any books lately, bunky.)

Yr. Obed. Serv.

Roy “The Cooperator” Toad, LSMFT, D-Phil. (Oxen.)
Seuerdupernumerary
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-11-19T10:40:00.000-05:00

Et tu, Luther?

…the heinous conduct of the people of Sodom ” as “extraordinary, inasmuch as they departed from the natural passion and longing of the male for the female, which is implanted into nature by God, and desired what is altogether contrary to nature.” Martin Luther, Works, Vol. 3, 255.

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

Here at Toad Pond in the upper southern Midwest it’s a cursed 40 degrees this fine morning. At least Toad Manor has a fireplace and a drinks cart to warm the chill. Nope, bunky, there’s nothing like a tall Martin Luther Bier to take the chill off. Eight or nine of those babies and you are ready to hire someone to cut some wood for the ol’ fireplace. At least that’s the Toad’s preferred location for fires.

It seems that the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America has a different idea about fires. You see, boys and girls, this bunch of “mainstream” Christians had a little gathering in Minneapolis to approve, wait for it, a theological statement on human sexuality that loosens church teaching on homosexuality. Guess they’ve been hanging out at the Olympic Baths with their Episcopalian buddies a wee to much. They don’t call them ELCUSA for nothing. Rawk!

A few hours before the ELCA's governing body approved the sexuality statement entitled “Human Sexuality: Gift and Trust” the gathering was interrupted by a police order to send everyone within the vast convention center into the convention hall because of an approaching twister. At about 2 p.m., the tornado struck Central Lutheran Church across the street from the convention center, ripping down part of a 90-year-old steel cross atop the church and, well, sparking a bit of a fire.

Inside the center, the heat index rose with the fear as ELCA Presiding Bishop Mark Hanson read the 121st Psalm to the nervous assembly. Now here’s the kicker, toads and toadettes. The Rev. Steven Loy, chairman of the ad hoc committee for the document, was quoted as saying, “We trust the weather is not a commentary on our work.” Whoa! You think it just might be, pally?

And where was Pastor Luther in this near miss? You remember, this would be the same Luther who said, “Whence comes this perversity? Undoubtedly from Satan, who after people have once turned away from the fear of God, so powerfully suppresses nature that he blots out the natural desire and stirs up a desire that is contrary to nature.”

Or, could it be the same Luther who, Commenting on Genesis 19:4-5. wrote:

I for my part do not enjoy dealing with this passage, because so far the ears of the Germans are innocent of and uncontaminated by this monstrous depravity; for even though disgrace, like other sins, has crept in through an ungodly soldier and a lewd merchant, still the rest of the people are unaware of what is being done in secret.

Bunky, it didn’t creep in. Nosiree. The rainbow flag of Sodom was carried right in the front door, even as a little holy noise and minor devastation was expressing the more than passing displeasure from on High over the events of the day.

Boys and girls, the Toad has enough trouble in life without putting his finger (assuming he had fingers) in the eye of the Almighty. Nope. The Toad prefers to quaff a few pints of old Martin Luther, while local “undocumented laborers” chop down the neighbor’s pawlonia tree to push back the upper southern Midwestern chill here in Toad Manor.

As for the ELCUSANs, well boys and girls, Pastor Luther thinks that they can pretty well count on central heat…for a long, long time. Rawwwwwwwk!*

If you can’t find Martin Luther Bier at your local, there’s always

The Reformation Cocktail

Ingredients-

50 ml BOLS - Genever
20 ml GABRIEL BOUDIER - 'Bartender Range' Cherry Brandy
5 dash(es) ANGOSTURA - Orange Bitters
5 dash(es) ANGOSTURA - Aromatic Bitters
1 Float La Trappe Dubbel Beer

Stir bitters and cherry brandy in a similar manner to an Old Fashioned, adding Jenever and ice as you go. Layer the head of La Trappe beer on top.

A couple of these and you’ll be nailing thing to the door. Rawk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

“Pastor” Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Augsberg)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-11-18T12:50:00.004-05:00

Who’s Zoomin’ Who?

Who's zoomin' who, take another look, tell me baby
Who's zoomin who
Who's zoomin' who, now the fish jumped off the hook
Didn't I baby...Who's zoomin' who
-Miss Aretha Franklin

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

     The Toad is back. Amphibian-about-town that he is, he can’t resist swimming in the brackish waters of comment on the new Apostolic Constitution. You know, boys and girls, this is the document from the “front office” that covers “the establishment of special structures for Anglicans who want to enter into full communion with the Roman Catholic Church.”

The Toad notes that the Vatican's chief ecumenist (that’s Latin for “travel lots of places for good food and drinks”), Cardinal Walter Kasper says that this is “absolutely is not a signal of the end of ecumenical dialogue with the Anglican Communion.” In an interview published in the Nov. 15 edition of L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican hotsheet and fish-wrapper, Kasper the Friendly Ghost said that the papal provision is not anti-ecumenical. “To think, as some commentators have said, that the pope made this decision just to ‘expand his empire’ is ridiculous,” the also cardinal said.

     Right. Just like firing those cannon things on Fort Sumter wasn’t the end of Confederate “ecumenical dialogue” with the Yankees. Heavens no, boys and girls. The panzer pope, a personal fave of the Toad, just suddenly developed a taste for fish and chips and Smithwick’s Ale. Or would that be Foster’s Export and kangaroo burgers. Rawk.*

     The Toad also is highly amused by the coterie of “former Anglicans” that are effervescing over this like Alka-Seltzer in club soda. Yo, Anglican enthusiasts, chill out you band of obsessed aesthetes. (The Toad likes that-it might be a literary device, but he doesn’t care.) If Rome really were the place to be a la Green Acres, why are you still obsessing over your past, which of course was a schism based on a lascivious monarch’s desire for divorce anyway? At least that’s what the line was in RCIA reeducation camp, that is if the lesbian nun teaching it ever got past ranting over her anger concerning the oppressive male priesthood. Rawk, rawk.*

     Get over it. You are part of the Roman Catholic Church now. So former Anglicans turn in your copies of the 1940 Hymnal—we’ve got some nice soothing Marty Haugan for you.

     Why would Pope Benny want to lay hold of liturgy and “traditions” that were perpetrated by a bunch of Englishmen whose Holy Orders and purported Sacraments were as bent as their teeth? (Dear God! Doesn’t National Health in the U.K. have a dental plan? Rawk.*). Worse, many of these guys are already using the same kind of banal language and dopey music as in the local Catholic joint around the corner from Toad Pond, or the local community-theatre production of The Lion King. Naw, the Big Guy is looking for clergy and lay bodies who are more or less simpatico with the his reform of the reform, and “former Anglicans” are just the perfect material to become “traditional Catholics.” They might even get oiled up on sherry, stand up against Clown Liturgies and Halloween Masses and lead a torchlight procession to deal with certain “liturgists”. Yep, B-16 might be getting some folks with actual backbones-to be absorbed and homogenized into the Roman Catholic Church never to be heard from again.

     But one thing’s for certain, toads and toadettes, Uncle Kasper isn’t rolling out the carpet for non-Anglican Communion Anglicans. You know, the “the Traditional Anglican Communion, a group that claims more than 400,000 members and describes itself as ‘a worldwide association of orthodox Anglican churches, working to maintain the catholic faith and resist the secularization of the church.’”

    No, the Kasper-dude scored these folks as Johnny-Come-Latelies: bandwagon types who “did not participate in the conversations that led to the pope's recent provision.” Whoa! That’s news! What about all of the nearly-shouted pronouncements about the “negotiations that could not be spoken of” emanating from the TAC over the last couple of years?

     That old wet-blanket Kasper went on to lift a giant ecclesiastical leg on that entire idea, stating that, “Now, however, they [TAC] are jumping on a train that already has left the station. If they are sincere, OK, the doors are open. But we cannot close our eyes to the fact that they have not been in communion with Canterbury since 1992”. Therefore, they are not technically leaving the Anglican Communion to join the Roman Catholic Church.

     What’s this? The TAC was not the principal, the prime mover, the capo di capo tutti in landing this offer from Rome to the benighted Anglicans. Had the train already left the Roma S. Petro station? Shades of Love in Vain by the immortal bards Messrs. M. Jagger and K. Richards:

Yeah, the train left the station, it had two lights on behind…
Well, the blue light was my baby and the red light was my mind.

     Could someone be over-blowing their role in this whole Anglican thing? And what of the allegedly forthcoming “special Apostolic Constitution” that makes a deal with these traditional Anglican folk? You know, the one like the Double Secret Special Probation imposed by Dean Vernon Wormer on the hapless denizens of the Delta House at Faber College. Isn’t the Vatican going to design a special program just for an entity with multiply-married, frequently uneducated clergy whose numbers are at best, shall we say vague? It certainly seems as if someone’s mind has left the station.

     Frankly, boys and girls, it looks like Kasper the Friendly Cardinal has thrown big…well…something into the celebratory punchbowl. More to the point, it seems like someone somewhere may be exaggerating just a wee little bit? Could it be the venerable Kasper who is no stranger to the occasional press retraction? Or is it a certain unnamed “thunder from down under” who is, shall we say, cutting things out of whole cloth particularly now that there are people proving a bit squeamish over becoming “former Anglicans”?

     Well, the Toad says, somebody is zoomin’ somebody. Had the train really already left the station leaving the claims of a certain primate suspect? Or is the Cardinal just miffed that he won’t be making the regular trip to Canterbury for shepherd pie and Watney’s Red Barrel? We’ll soon know if we don’t already. In the meantime, the Toad is going round the corner for mid-day devotions at Sacred Bleeding Heart parish in the hopes that the liturgist has laid on We Are a Pilgrim People or a little ditty by the St. Louis Jesuits. He then plans to follow up with a different divertissement from Australia:

The God of Chunder Cocktail

1 tablespoon of sugar syrup
juice of one lemon
2 ounces of gin or vodka
shaved Ice
Cold beer (Foster’s, of course)

To make syrup, heat the sugar in a few drops of water until dissolved. Mix syrup, lemon juice, gin or vodka; stir well. Pour into a tall glass; add shaved ice, and fill the reminder of the glass with beer. Stir.

Six or seven of these and you’ll have no constitution at all. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (University of Wallamaloo)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-08-26T13:39:00.004-04:00

Toad on the Road

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
-attrib. Napoleon Bonaparte, French General, Politician, Emperor, and Man About Town

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad has been on a well-deserved vacation. Overcome by the flurry of postings by some guy named “Anonymous”, he filled up the cooler, fired up the Toadmobile and set out looking for adventure.

Okay, pally, the Toad actually just turned off the phone, turned up the air conditioner and tried not to leave Toad Hall. There are too many anonymi out there, many of them clergy throwing fits over having their little oxen gored, and we just are having none of it. (By the way, boys and girls, particularly you anonymous ones, Blogger does let the Toad suss out your real identities. Oooops. Could be someone’s in for a public spanking—and you won’t even have to pay extra like you usually do. Rawk!*)

But, venture out the Toad did at last when he ran out of Peppermint Schnapps for the Buzzard’s Breath Cocktails that powered him through August. Driving through the countryside, he encountered the little Episcopal church in the photos. You observant readers will note that churchyard was filled with buzzards, as was every square inch of the roof. Okay, pally, they are might be hard to see without downloading and enlarging the happy snaps. Or, maybe you can just squint a bit to see the prown scavengers strutting about. What did you expect, Ansel Adams?

The scene presented a statement that was at once theological, ecclesiastical, hierarchical (hint: who’s on top?), and demographic. Truly, as old Boney sez, “A picture is worth a thousand words.”

Now, it’s time for another frosty

Buzzard’s Breath Cocktail
Ingredients
1/2 oz Peppermint Schnapps
1/2 oz Amaretto
1/2 oz Coffee Liqueur

Directions
Pour ingredients into a shaker half filled with ice. Shake vigorously and strain into a shot glass.
Serve in a Shot Glass

Seven or either of these and you’ll be plucking dead animals off the highway, or attending the nearest branch of THE EPISCOPAL CHURCH. Same difference. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

Yr. Obed. Serv.

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Oxen.)
Prelate-Communion of Anglican Cranks in America (CACA) Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-07-15T18:35:00.007-04:00

Lawless

“Lawless are they that make their wills their law.”
-William Shakespeare

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

It’s a long hot summer here in the Midwestern south. The Toad pond is a foot down, and the ice machine has been on the “two cube a day” production plan. The local grocery ran out of frozen strawberries on the eve of the Toad’s annual “Big Berries n’ Booze Bash”—a much bigger event than Willy’s Barbecue a state or two closer to the Rio Grande, let me tell you. All that and it’s, wait for it, diocesan synod season amongst the U.S. continuing Anglican churches.

Ordinarily, the Toad doesn’t involve himself in these events, which customarily are parades of vestments more ornate in inverse proportion to the size of the “jurisdiction” holding the event. Many of these “synods” largely resemble an ecclesiastical version of the bar scene from the very first Star Wars film down to finely dressed prelates from the Holy Anglican Orthodox Communion of Rigel III (Original Jurisdiction) actually playing Golden Harps Are Sounding on their proboscis. Nope, the Toad usually is too busy blending berries by the pond and working out rum ratios. Rawk.*

But, every now and again, a bit of news becomes so tantalizing that the Toad can’t pass it by. It’s a bit like a fat June bug in tongue range just after lunch. The Toad doesn’t need it, but zaps it anyway just because it’s there. So it is when a “jurisdiction”, or at least a part of it, goes rogue.

Now, the Toad likes a good summer mystery too, so he’s just going to throw out a few facts as passed to him in a brown paper bag, by a brown-shoed square in the dead of the night recently. The guy heard the blender and invited himself over. Three or four Strawberry Hazes and this guy would have admitted to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby. Rawk.* As it was, he just spilled a little story I call Lawless. (Ok, I could call it the “the bishop who wouldn’t leave and his crafty minions”, but it’s too wordy for summer, pally.)

Here’s clue number one, boys and girls. What happens when a bishop reaches mandatory retirement age in the church? He retires. At least, in the Toad’s corner of Christendom, he puts in his retirement papers and maybe hangs around until some guy with a fancier hat gets a new bishop into play. Not for this guy, bunky. For three, count ‘em three years his hand-picked standing committee has the good old bish stay on by “acclamation” (trans. “You don’t get a vote people. He stays, and we’ll punish anyone who says otherwise.”) No squawks, no squeaks.

Clue number two is pretty close. The aforesaid bishop for life tends to run educated clergy out of his diocese as quickly as he can. “And why is this, pray tell?” the Toad asked his sozzled visitor. “No opposition,” was the answer. Seems the bish never really went to a legitimate seminary of any kind. So too most of his clergy including several of his thugs on the aforesaid standing committee. Clergy like that get ideas—like why aren’t we playing by the rules. Bunch of stiffs.

At the same time, at least one highly-valued “clergyman” masquerading as a Dominican Friar (interesting enough in that he’s married with children) seems to have no record of an ordination—anywhere. It’s ok, though, boys and girls, he didn’t have a medical license either when authorities got squeamish about him giving exams and writing scrips in a clinic down south. Whoa! No problem there. Rawk, rawk.*

But, wait, there’s more—another clue. This “synod” passed changes to its local canons all designed to keep the bish in a paying job, and to give the lawyer for the bish a vote on the standing committee. This assures old miter-head a berth until the cows come home. Enforcement of these changes was vigorous at the hands of the lawyer who wrote them up for the his ecclesiastical boss and apparently made up procedural rules as he went along. Not an obstacle, this made up set of procedures, as we shall see.

One more little problem, here boys and girls, the legal Machiavelli behind all of this had been disbarred last January following some pretty interesting public opinions by the state supreme court. After all, it’s not just any legal eagle the court singles out for being a liar whilst plucking the old license. Nosiree! It’s a special, special kind of lawyer—one who never shared that little bit of inconsequential news with the people of the diocese, or with the national “denomination” for which he also is the lawyer. (They haven't got rid of him either, by the by.)

What would Perry Mason say? “Your honor, my investigator Paul Drake has uncovered some interesting information—my opposing counsel, having been exposed as a liar and all around poltroon, was disbarred six months ago and should be sitting in the gallery. I win.” Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

So, there it is, toads and toadettes, unqualified clergy running the show, bishops doing whatever they want, good clergy being run off, disbarred lawyers serving as diocesan and national chancellors. The only thing there hasn’t been is a property suit, or it would look exactly like…well…The Episcopal Church. (The Toad won't give away the entity--you have to do your own research, pally.) Raaawwwwk!*

At this point in the story, the Toad had to gently put a blanket over his peacefully sleeping guest—then roll him up in it and lock him in his car trunk until the guy sobered up. Then, a few Strawberry Hazes later, the Toad ruminated on lawlessness. Unless you are the Toad, you can’t just do what you want, pally. The problem with many continuing Anglicans, or Discontinuing Anglicans as a new blogster calls himself, is that they do the same darned stuff that the “other guys” do. Rule by whim, rule by terror, rule by whatever means necessary to put on and keep on a funny hat or ornate costume. It’s bush league Machiavellianism, and only hurts the little toads and toadettes.

It is Lawless. And not like the Toad’s main girl Lucy Lawless. Xena would make fast work of these lawless legions, and in a much better costume. Then she and the Toad would sit back to a pitcher of Strawberry Hazes, and never have to play guess the lawless jurisdiction again. But, until the warrior queen comes to put order in the house, here’s another secret recipe for summer fun. Seven or eight of these and Xena will be locking you in the trunk after your disbarment. Rawk!*

Strawberry Haze
Ingredients:
1 Shot White Rum
1 Shot De Kuyper Wild Strawberry
Top up Champagne
4 Strawberries
0.25 Shot Sugar Syrup

Remove the stalk from each strawberry and muddle these together in the base of a cocktail shaker. Add the White Rum and sugar syrup plus ice and shake well together. Fine strain into a flute or large martini glass. Top up with Champagne. Got it, bunky?

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Prelate-Communion of Anglican Cranks in America (CACA) Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-06-30T11:51:00.014-04:00

The Road To Smurfdom
(with apologies to F. Hayek)

"Enough fighting! Lets all have a smurfy day!”
-Papa Smurf (children's television character and new archbishop)

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

Seems like summer is just the right time to reinvent the wheel and other early tools. The big Anglican Church in North America (ACNA) hoedown in Texas is all done. The trimphalist reportage, pumped out on a scale that makes Hugo Chavez look like local public access programming, has died down (for now). And all of the good boys and girls have taken their tambourines home to Smurf Land, to sing happy Smurf songs and hire a few more legal Smurfs to fend off the evil Squid Woman and her crafty minions. The Toad has learned that the firm of Grumpy Smurf, Jokey Smurf, and Sleazy Smurf, LLC is available. Rawk!*

And just what is it that our happy "Anglican" Smurfs did while on their Lone Star holiday? Well, here's a surprise, they came up with a few more bishops including a new Archbishop a/k/a "Papa Smurf". Just look at that blue get up, bunky, and tell the Toad that ain't a Smurf. Rawk, rawk.*

Along with creating bishops and yet another Anglican jurisdiction in the United States, the Smurfs also wanted to be "fair" and "nice" to absolutely everyone except those tatty old homosexuals who caused the whole problem in Smurfdom in the first place. That is why you Toads and Toadettes will notice all of the lady Smurfs dressed up as smurf priestesses right next to the fat white Smurfs in Kente cloth stoles. It made the Toad nearly gag on the Blue Lagoon cocktail Manolo the butler here at Toad Manor had put together to celebrate the Texas Smurforama. Apparently, the learning curve in the new "province" is pretty short.

Okay, Papa Smurf did "deal" with this and many other issues, like where to find fuzzy Gothic blue vestments in East Potlatch, Texas. Here's what the Big Blue One had to say,

...for those who believe the ordination of women to be a grave error, and for those who believe it scripturally justifiable- reflecting Global Anglicanism-that we should be in mission together until God sorts us out. It is not perfect,but it is enough.

Well, there we go. We'll just drive on the way we have, little Smurfs, and wait for that burning bush to tell us what the "Big Guy" pretty well laid out already--"I didn't leave Holy Orders in the hands of the ladies, whether they be Smurfs or one of Squid Woman's familiars." Nope, nada, can't do it for all of the Blue Lagoons in a new "Province".

Just a couple of side notes here--first, the Toad wonders what ever happened to all of those other Anglicans? You know, the ones who have been clawing parishes out of the earth whilst Papa Smurf and all of his fellow "orthodox" Smurfs held on to their pieces of real Smurf property and looked down on them as "non-Smurfs". ("Here now, are you Bluish?")

Also, what about those brave allegedly "Anglo-Catholic" Smurfs? You know, boys and girls, the ones who actually know when you are supposed to wear blue vestments. (Hint: It ain't in summertime, pally.) How do they go off into happy Smurf Land with Big Blue and his hairspray squad? No, bunky, they are going to continue their "teaching mission" to the Church of Squid Woman and, hold on to your hat, to the Traditional Anglican Communion, "that the Priesthood of Jesus is not a functional leadership of bishops and priests, but the bishop/priest is the icon, the man Jesus being made visible to the Christian community." Here's news, pally: the "traditional" Anglicans have known about this little bit of information for, shall we say, some time. On the other hand, the Mistress of Invertibrates up in New York wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire, much less accept that "teaching." Rawwwwwwk.*

Then, there was an appearance by the "evangelical" Pastor Rick "Cross Marketing" Warren. To the sighs, ooohs, and ahhhs of the Smurfs, Pastor Rick reportedly "made his audience feel special" with one liners like, "You may lose the steeple, but you won't lose the people." Deep, very very deep. The Smurfs lapped up this thin-beer theology that fits on a coffee mug, or day planner, or t-shirt...well, you get it pally. No sacraments, no liturgy, just pull down screens and infotainment for the pastor looking to pack 'em in. And here's the really good part, boys and girls,

People look at Saddleback and say how large should a church get? That is the wrong question. The question is who should be left behind.

Well, apparently no one, for Pastor Rick. Not even a president who favors the killing of the little Smurfs. Nosirree, Pastor Rick just wanted to be included front and center in the coronation-all press is good press even if it means getting down with the godless. Man, that's inclusive. Almost like Squid Woman herself or certain members of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. (Toad wants to be "inclusive" in his criticism--he wouldn't want anyone to feel "bad" over being left out. Rawk, rawk.*)

Smurf Fest 'o9 even featured a real bishop Metropolitan Jonah of the OCA, who should receive a medal for the effort at talking some sense into the Blue People. The praise music must have been turned up too loud, as the cheering Smurfs seemed to have missed the message of the Orthodox trail boss. What would it take for "reconciliation" with the Smurfs? Here's the prescription for getting rid of the blues, ancient Church style:

Full affirmation of the orthodox Faith of the Apostles and Church Fathers, the seven Ecumenical Councils, the Nicene Creed in its original form (without the filioque clause inserted at the Council of Toledo, 589 A.D.), all seven
Sacraments and a rejection of 'the heresies of the Reformation.

Big Jonah listed a series of deal breakers with Big Blue Bob's vision of Smurfdom: Calvinism, anti-sacramentalism, iconoclasm, Gnosticism, and the ordination of women to the Presbyterate. Don't even start with that filioque clause, boys and girls. Whoa! That's laying it on the line, and pretty much says that "intercommunion" is over before it even starts. The Metropolitan pretty well hit on all of the things that define the Smurfland of the "re-Reformed." (Ok, maybe not the Gnosticism, but the Toad will bet even money on that bit.) Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

Bottom line, Toads and Toadettes, this is just another Protestant denomination. The whole attitude toward anyone else can be summed up in the words of one of the events "reporters" (an ACNA activist): "In my observation much of what is called 'Anglo-Catholic' is crypto-Roman, whether consciously or unconsciously." Crypto-Roman? Smurfs, rally! Light up the fires and toast a few of those Papists.

Nawwwww, bunky. The real A-Cs are just plain old Catholics of the English type trying to live out their church lives without snare drums and fellow parishioners babbling in "tongues" that sound vaguely like an auctioneer on benzidrene or someone speaking Czech with a mouthful of dry salt crackers. Rawwwk.*

All of this is billed by Papa Smurf as a "return to manful Christianity." Well, pally, a picture really is worth a thousand words. Rawwwwwwk.*

The Blue Lagoon
Ingredients:
1.5 Shots Russian Standard Vodka
1.5 Shots De Kuyper Blue Curaçao
Top up Lemonade
Ice it down.

In the words of the immortal Brainy Smurf, "Now Now! We all need to smurf down!" Five or six Blue Lagoons, and there'll be no problem with that

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Prelate-Communion of Anglican Cranks in America (CACA) Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-06-27T09:37:00.008-04:00

Like Mushrooms

"The very idea of true Anglicanism is lost, and the term has been prostituted to the very worst of purposes. Anglican denominations, sir! Why, Anglican denominations spring up like mushrooms!"
-With Apologies to Sir Robert Walpole

Dear Toads and Toadettes,

It was just a matter of time. Like cow patties after a good rain, the "jurisdictions" are popping out after the cloudburst that was the ACNA hoedown in Texas. Did you boys and girls get a gander at all those priestesses down there? The Toad will have to bark about it, but first...

The Toad was sucking down an early morning Lime Rickey made with Sonic Drive-In Limeade when his brand new assistant, the Yapping Tadpole (get a aload of his fake degrees) hopped in breathlessly to Toad Manor. He was almost speechless. After a couple Sonic Lime Rickeys, the Tad pulled out a stack of research (he's got a fraudulent degree in it) about the newest Anglican "denominations." Could it be true, boys and girls? The Toad thought that Big Bob's ACNA Big Tent Gospel Show and Clergy Beauty Parlor was the only new Contining Church in town. Rawk.*

But no--not so. Not to be outperformed, there is the CACNA-The Conservative Anglican Church of North America under "Arch Bishop" (it's one word bunky!) Val E. Rose of Texas. This intrigued the Toad. He knew a Valley Rose from Texas, but the constabulary closed her place down. It's not a story for the little Toads and Toadettes wither, so don't ask.

While the Yapping Tadpole went out for more Sonic Drive-In Limeade, the Toad perused the CACNA pseudo-bona fides at their CACNA website. (The Toad likes saying CACNA, ok, pally? Sounds like Camp CaCna where he spent many painful summers as a young tad.) Here it is:

We are an Autocephalous Apostolic and Holy Catholic Church. We are a traditional and liturgical church. We are not in communion with Canterbury.

Looks like the main reason for the operation is to fix up church weddings for several "bishops" who "left the Roman Catholic priesthood, fell in love with beautiful, young ladies and were married [civilly]." At least they are not in communion with Canterbury, but, hey, who is? Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

They don't have any listed parishes and all five clergy are "bishops" or "Arch bishops", but (drum roll, please) they do have Saint James University, CACNA's "fully-accredited" seminary. The Toad was even more intrigued, but the "About" page was as empty as this fakeroo institution. The tuition and fees page was included; and, happily, boys and girls, this is one of the least expensive specious institutions going. At least you aren't getting ripped off. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

The Yapping Tad returned, fired up the blender and pointed to another variety of Anglican fungus The Christian Episcopal Church or "The XnEC (Xn = Christian, E = Episcopal, C= Church)". As opposed to Madam Jefferts-Schori's Pagan Episcopal Church in New York, this baby really jams down on the episcopate of all believers. It comes complete with four bishops, one priest, two deacons, and, oh yes one "arch deacon". (ONE word, damn it!) One of the parishes has been meeting in a Shrine Club, leading the Toad to wonder about how they work those little go-carts into the liturgy. That's just probably the Lime Rickeys talking. Rawk.*

But wait, there's more. Imitation being some form of flattery, my loyal assistant pointed out the Traditional Protestant Episcopal Church or TPEC. The Traditional Protestant Episcopal Church declares itself "in Christian humility to be the continuation of the original Protestant Episcopal Church USA." (Somebody call Squid-woman and her band of merry cephalopods know that TPEC beat ACNA to the punch. Send the lawsuits to TPEC.) No smells and bells for these Thirty-Nine Articles of Religion boys. Nosiree! No churches either. At least none listed other than the "Cathedral Parish of St. Francis at the Point". Guess it beats St. Bastard's-By-The-Bay. They've got twelve clergy-none of them women-and, thankfully, no seminary. The Toad doesn't have enough energy to skewer another one right now. No, boys and girls, its time for another pitcher of...you guessed it...Lime Rickeys:

Ingredients
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups gin
3/4 cup fresh lime juice (You can short-cut to drinking time with Sonic Drive-In Limeade!)
1 1/2 quarts chilled soda water
Thin slices of lime
Preparation
1. In a 1-quart pan, mix sugar with 1/2 cup water and stir over low heat until sugar is dissolved, about 5 minutes. Let cool or chill.
2. In a 3-quart pitcher, combine gin, lime juice, and the cooled syrup. Cover and freeze until ready to serve.
3. To serve, add soda water. Pour into ice-filled glasses and garnish with lime.

Lock up the credit card and Almy's telephone number, because eight or nine of these babys and it will be new continuing Anglican jurisdiction time for you, bunky. Rawwwwwwk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.Prelate-Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Church (Amphibious)-Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)

*The Sound of One Toad Barking

With

The Yapping Tadpole, B.D., D.D., S.T.D., M.A., Ph.D., M.Div., D.Min.,J.D.,M..D.,LLM,M.S.,M.S.H.R.M.,M.B.A.,M.H.A.,Th.D.,D.Mus.,Psy.D.Metropolitan Archbishop of the Okefenokee

See of the Everglades and Greater Florida Swamps

Defender of the Faith and Creator of All Things Anglican

Will you just look at all of those fraudulent degrees. (*sniff*) The boy makes an old Toad proud. Rawk.*

2009-06-14T21:04:00.003-04:00

Who’s Loves Ya’ Baby?

“If my bishop calls while am at lunch, can you tell me who he is?”
-Every Continuing Anglican Churchgoer

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

It’s the summer of the Toad’s discontent. Of course, it’s always the summer of his discontent. The other seasons too. Of course, “Creativity is discontent translated into arts.” How’s that for highbrow, bunky? Rawk!*

Anyway, after a couple of months of satisfaction fueled largely by generous quantities of Old Limey Gin®, the Toad discovered a lack of creativity. Obviously, the gin-to-blood ratio was off, but additional gin produced a sufficient level of discontent to be creative. And what better a target to get all creative on is there than “Continuing Anglicans”? Awww, get over it, bunky, they’ll all be gossiping and e-mailing about this column within ten minutes after the Toad pushes the big red “Send” button. Rawk, rawk!* (“Oooohhhh, Nigel, he’s so vicious and nasty. He almost made me forget to put in my vestment bids on eBay!”)

The latest news comes from the poor old Anglican Church in America, which is still waiting by the phone for that call from the Vatican like a teenage girl waiting for the captain of the football team to ring. (“Any minute now…any minute. Either he’ll ring or I’ll just die!”)
Make no mistake, bunky, more Catholics is better Catholics. At least that's the philosophy of the franchise holder. Not necessarily good Catholics, but, hey, who is? Rawk!*

However, while ACA management is waiting for Benedict to descend in a flaming chariot to come take everyone to some sort of Catholic Valhalla where there’s good music, decent liturgy, funny hats, and you can tellthe bishop to sod off if he gets too cheeky and it's still the Catholic Church, the parish pirates have been plunderin’.

Street rumor is that Jimmy “Morse Makes the Lips Move” Provence (a/k/a Provence of the Province) scored another parish off the ACA in his favored "grab-n-go" method of church growth. Jimmy’s gang, still looking for payback for the loss of more than half of its operation in two waves of departures, has long been after St. Luke’s Colorado Springs. "It's got property and is in an affluent area," said Robert Sherwood "Man Behind the Scenes" Morse. Well, boys and girls, after a careful hollowing out and disinformation campaign, the radio-voiced pirate prelate of St. Bastard’s-by-the-Bay nailed another one to the wall. The Toad sez here, be careful what you wish for, bunky!

At the same time, there is news that the Episcopal Missionary Church (Motto: “Yes, Damn It, We Do Still Exist.”) picked off the parish of St. Alban’s State College in a move by one "Bishop" Council Nedd. The "bishop", who the Toad keeps wanting to call Nedd Council, is a classic. A former lay member of the Anglican Catholic Church, the "bishop" went from layman to the episcopate at light speed under the self-described “Arch Bishop” Larry Johnson. John heads the 3 ½ member Anglican Church of Virginia, and, coincidentally, operates a table-top seminary previously jacked-up by the Toad, couldn’t keep his newest “bishop” on the farm. Nedd went to the EMC leaving Johnson with his customary three clergy and impressive bevy of paper churches. In the meantime, "Bishop" Nedd, taking a page from his mentor, also ginned up a seminary, St. Alcuin House, “accredited” by the ever-specious Oxford Educational Network/Wolsey Hall as previously reported in these august pages. Go look it up yourself, bunky, the Toad can’t tarry over links today.

How did a guy like this poach a long-standing parish with its own paid off property undoubtedly to be his “pro-cathedral”? The Toad did some digging and found out that the parish just couldn’t get clergy from its ACA bishop. In fact, the bishop had no contact with the parish for more than six months, according to an e-mail from an alert reader. The correspondent told the Toad there were clergy--actual real, validly ordained clergy--willing to cover until a permanent guy could be located. But they were pulled by diocesan management and the parish left to dangle. Apparently, the ordinary involved was entirely too busy figuring out how to prolong his overdue “mandatory” retirement than to worry with the niceties of overseeing a parish. (Here’s a hint: this guy’s synod is next week. Watch the fun.)

At that point, the good ship Vagante sailed right in, and another continuing Anglican bishop has window dressing for his show.

The Toad doesn’t even want to know what ultimately will happen, although he has a pretty good guess. He’ll just note that nature doesn’t like a vacuum, ecclesiastical or otherwise, and you can never predict what the Big Hoover will suck in to an empty space. And here’s the rub, boys and girls, Rome ain’t going to scoop in all the stuff that’s in the storm drains of Anglicanism. The uneducated, the fraudulently educated, the unformed, the criminal and the just plain crazy aren’t getting in. Just how big is that percentage in the continuing Church? All the Toad hears is that giant sucking noise. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

After watching this latest set of sorry circumstances, the Toad sent to Vinnie’s Liquorama for an extra-large shipment of Old Limey Gin®, quinine water and ice. He plans to lounge by the pond and get sufficiently oiled to join the Toads and Toadettes singing doo-wop under the summer lamplight. Now, where’s that comb and pomade?

Who Is My Bishop Now?
(with apologies to “The Monotones”)

I wonder wonder who, oouu, who
Who is my bishop now?

Tell me, tell me, tell me
Oh who is my bishop now?

I've got to know the answer
Was it someone from above

I wonder wonder who, be-do-do who
Whose got the purple glove?

I, I went to church this mornin'
Just like I always do
But the sign it was repainted
In the chair was someone new

I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

Chorus:

Chapter one says you promise
The vestry everything

Chapter two you show ‘em
That big ol’ bishop’s ring

In chapter three remember
The enormities of Rome

In chapter four you break up
To find that perfect home

Oh I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

Baby, baby, baby
I’m valid yes I am
Well it says so in this big ol’chart
And succession diagram

Oh I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

(Chorus)

Oh I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

Baby, baby, baby
I’m valid yes I am
Well it says so in this big ol’chart
And succession diagram

I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

I, wonder who, (Yeah) who is my bishop now?

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT

Bishop of All Staines and Upper Dorking

(Motto: "You can't prove I'm not valid.")
*The sound of one Toad barking

2009-04-05T23:15:00.007-04:00

They Must Be Gods

“Homer and Hesiod have ascribed to the gods all things that are a shame and a disgrace among mortals, stealing and adulteries and deceiving on one another” -Xenophanes

Well, boys and girls,

It's Palm Sunday and the Toad has found another instance of someone sailing on de Nile. Rawk, rawk, rawk.* That's a joke, pally. You see Nile the river...denial...ah, forget it. You probably graduated from an unaccredited Anglican seminary. (Speaking of which, the Toad has heard a tasty rumor of another one springing up, like mushrooms on cow patties. But, soft, Toads and Toadettes, more when we have the sordide details.)

You see, an alert reader has informaed the Toad that another blog-one of the "brainy" ones and not of the quality one finds here in the fetid pond-a frequent commentor or two claimed the Toad is wrong. WRONG! There was no sheep stealing going on when a particular piratical prelate plucked a parish in the greater Oregon area. Oh, no...the bucaneer bishop made multiple visits, recounted a bunch of specious stories, split the aforesaid flock will and immediately posted the brigandage in a press release. Nawwwww, bunky. No stealing there. Have another sip of Kool-aid(R), you've been living in bizarro world for too long.

Oh, yeah, note to perfidious prelate: how are those payments to the church's landlord (oops, the EPISCOPALIAN LANDLORD!) working out for ya now that those parishioners who refused to be rustled have powdered with their purses? Bet you didn't know the joint was papered tighter than a government-owned carmaker. Rawwwwwk!* Careful what you gun for, boys and girls. It might blow back in unexpected ways.

Ah, but now it looks like the very same brigand bishop is punt-gunning for yet another prize--one that he's been after for years. Another alert reader has provided the Toad with a bunch of interesting e-mails to that effect, as well as attesting to the real state of the privateer prelate's "warm affection" for his "sister" jurisdictions, his convict clergy and, we dare say, unusual employment practices. (A chorus of It's No Fun, Being an Illegal Alien, maestro, please!) Rawk and rawk, again!* The Toad has learned that there may even be instances of the excess use of Loafer Lightener(R) by persons involved. (No, we won't "out" them...but we will taunt them mightily from afar. It's the Anglican way. Hey, even a former Anglican can still have fun, pally!) And, from that opening quote from our buddy Xenophanes, how's that "stealing and adulteries and deceiving on one another" working out? Truly, they are gods among men.

So here it is, theft, denial and crowing about the pilfering that never happened. You'd think these guys were using the same P.R. operation that the President's appointees rely on. Rawk.* Jusst a warning from the Toad to frighten and instruct. We've even thrown in a recipe not to be used until after Lent. AFTER Lent, pally, unless you want a cocktail stirrer up the old cassock.

Ingredients for a "Panty Thief"

Everclear® Alcohol
Crown Royal® Canadian Whisky
Jagermeister® Herbal Liqueur
7-Up® Soda

Quantities for one drink:

2 oz Everclear® Alcohol
2 oz Crown Royal® Canadian Whisky
2 oz Jagermeister® Herbal Liqueur
6 oz 7-Up® Soda

Blending Instructions:

Mix all ingredients well. Don't just wizzle it with a plastic stick, pally. Put it in a paint shaker and let it rip. Just keep it away from open flame.

Forget parish-napping, kiddies, one quaff of this and you'll steal the Rural Dean's knickers. Trouble is, you'll have to explain that they're not yours.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

“Bishop” Roy Aldous Toad,DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Pirate Prelate-Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Church and Sheep Ranch-Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-03-30T12:45:00.005-04:00

Oh, The Humanity!

Swallow a toad in the morning and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.--Nicholas DeChamfort

A sad day, boys and girls,

News has reached us os an "amphibian roundup" in Queensland, Australia. There is a video of it here if you can bear to watch. http://www.wbaltv.com/video/19042816/

Things ended "badly" for our fellow amphibians down under. Rawwwwwk!

The nerve of these sons and daughters of convicts! One even called cane toads--those most noble of the genus bufodinae-- "disgusting". What nerve! What gall! have a look at these prime specimens of humanity and we'll see who is disgusting, mate. These people looked like certain continuing church bishops trying to round up parishioners. Whilst rustling them in bags has yet to be tried, the end result is almost the same; except that death by homily has been proscribed by the RSPCA. Rawk, rawk, rawk!

The Toad needs a drink and a stout one at that.

Hop Toad Cocktail

Serve the Hop Toad Cocktail in a Cocktail Glass
Hop Toad Cocktail Ingredients
3/4 oz Apricot brandy
3/4 oz Light rum
Lime juice-from 1/2 of a lime

Stir all ingredients with ice, strain into a cocktail glass, and serve. Three of these and you’ll be hoppin'.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

“In mourning” Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Sad), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Prelate-Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Church and Amphibian Abbatoir-Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-03-08T14:09:00.007-04:00

SHEEP STEALIN’ II (The Sequel)
“If a man be found stealing any of his brethren of the children of Israel, and maketh merchandise of him, or selleth him; then that thief shall die; and thou shalt put evil away from among you.”
-Deuteronomy 24:7

Well, boys and girls,

The Toad has learned that the continuing Anglican sheep rustler identified earlier in the week has struck. Yessirreee. Faster than you can build a water feature in a seminary, the ecclesiastic of envy, the bishop of blarney, the prelate of piracy, got his new swag up on his website. Man, that’s church growth at its best. Problem is, the Big Guy (no, the BIG GUY) seems to have a wee bit of problem with this. Worse, still, the Toad has learned that the smooth-talking scion of St. Bastard’s-by-the-Bay had as his principal persuasive tool a level of anti-Roman Catholic fear-mongering that would have done Ollie Cromwell proud. And this from a group of about 2,500…oops make that 2,550 now….that aspires to “catholicity”. Rawk.*

Well, bunkie, apart from the fact that the ovine-napper had no idea what he was talking about from what was reported to the Toad out here in the upper, southern mid-west, it might just call into question the “catholic” claims of a group whose titular head has such difficulties with the largest unified branch of Christendom. But, of course, the “catholic” claim went out the window with the multiply-married bishops experiment, didn’t it? Rawk, rawk.*

While we Papists and Romanists never actually read the Bible, the Toad nevertheless was able to find an unused one propping up his statue of St. Joseph, and lo and behold, the following jumped out: “By swearing, and lying, and killing, and stealing, and committing adultery, they break out, and blood toucheth blood.” (Hosea 4:2) Whoa! The Toad thinks somebody must have been skipping seminary classes the day they got to this part. (Okay, he’ll spot you the killing bit.) That would presuppose you actually went to a legit seminary.

But, wait, that’s not very nice, is it? No, pally. No it isn’t. But neither is the stuff that has been going on in that little Corner of Christendom called Continuing. You know, the people that bill themselves as the alternative to those other “Anglicans” who have the priestesses and homosexual bishops who have left their wives because they though the text read “Adam and Steve.” They are also ever so much better than those 1.3 billion Roman Catholics who’ve got it all wrong. And that other crazy bunch of Anglicans (you know, the ones numbering roughly 500,000) who want to unite with the Holy See, well they are doubly wrong. They don’t even like the Orthodox who, well, are just “too ethnic”. (I mean, would we really let them in the country club?) Rawk.*

Let’s review the bidding—at least the wild cards and jokers. A fair number of continuing Anglican clergy in various “jurisdictions” have variously run unlicensed diploma mills and/or laughable seminary programs, “appropriated” church property coveted by a particular “bishop”, sued their own parishes to get property for personal gain, bilked old people to the point of incurring lengthy prison sentences, perpetrated wholly-uneducated and unformed “clergy” on unsuspecting worshippers, maintained openly homosexual clergy of the practicing sort, suffered parish sex scandals, ignored background checks for incoming clergy, and broken a not a few Federal, state and local laws. Heck, in some instances, the Toad suspects these little groups have at one time or another violated the law of gravity! Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

And, now, they have reached the bottom of the barrel it seems. If you can’t attract the non-believer or the un-churched through old fashioned evangelism and apologetics, or even with bingo and tasty food at “ethnic festivals” (Do we really HAVE to let them in the country club?), get a presentable pirate prelate and steal a few new pins for your map. Well, here’s news, pally, you’d better take one of these with you when you make that last trip. That way, you’ll know when you’re done.

Meantime, the Toad has about exhausted his warnings. If you like a religion run by P.T. Barnum with special effects by the Wizard of Oz, you will get what you pay for…and pay for…and pay for. (Takes a lot of swag to cover the ever-increasing cost of Grey Goose® brand vodka.) And, when you wake up in the morning to find your clergy replaced, the building sold and your wallet empty, you can take solace in a cool, convincing and smooth

Pirate Prelate (a/k/a the Scotch Bishop)
Ingredients to use:
1 Peel Twist Lemon
1.0 Tblsp Orange juice
1.0 oz. Scotch
0.25 tsp. Powdered Sugar
0.5 tsp Triple sec
0.5 oz. Dry Vermouth
Directions: Shake all ingredients (except lemon peel) with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. Add the twist of lemon peel and serve.

Three of these and you’ll steal a cathedral.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

“Bishop” Roy Aldous Toad,DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.

Pirate Prelate-Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Church and Sheep Ranch-Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)

*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-03-01T15:18:00.008-05:00

Of Pancakes and Pagans

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. -W. C. Fields

Hello, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad had just about gotten over his headache and double-vision when the cheery e-mail foghorn announced a message from yet another alert reader. Heck, the butter hadn’t melted on the hotcakes when a story from the Washington Times proclaimed “Pancakes flying in races at Cathedral.” Gripped by a familiar dread, the Toad poured a load of 30-weight on his breakfast and read the latest in Episcopal liturgical practices from “the Nation’s church” also known as the Washington National Cathedral.
Seems as though with “pancake and frying pan still intact, an astonished Rev. John A. Runkle flipped across the finish line first to win the spray-painted golden skillet Tuesday at the National Cathedral's annual pancake races.” The surprised “Mr.” Runkle, the Cathedral's conservator, had expected one Ms. Mink, the director of development for Heretics on the Hill, to win because of her "top physical shape."

"She was trying to elbow me out of the starting line, but I wouldn't have any of it. I had to push back," a breathless Mr. Runkle reported.

The Toad forked down another load of griddle cakes and had to wonder about this brutish pancake contest, the “top physical shape” of Ms. Mink and clergy driven to elbow-throwing at this 11th annual event that included “young children, high school students, clergy and cathedral staff.” Was everyone fair game for a rib-poking? Images of the spectacle of “Mr.” Runkle flattening the kiddies, harrowing the high schoolers, coshing clergy, and pushing La Mink became ever more worrisome. Better switch from Log Cabin to 100 percent Vermont maple to read this one. Ahhhhh, that’s the stuff. Rawk.*

There apparently were six different races on the Shrove Tuesday hotcake hoedown: St. Albans Flapjack Contest, the Gargoyle Gallop, the Beauvoir Blitz, the Run for the Rose Window, the Inaugural Initiative Relay Challenge and the "Yes We Can" Challenge. (They just had to get an Obama line in there somewhere. They are Episcopalians after all.) Prizes included a spray-painted golden skillet, a golden spatula, a golden gargoyle and a golden syrup dispenser. What, no golden calf? Any racer who dropped a pancake either had to take a 5-second penalty or recite A VERSE. No, not from the Bible or even "Obama! Obama!" Nope, bunky, losers had to recite the following words: "Pancakes are good, Pancakes are greasy. I thought flippin' pancakes was Gonna be easy." Hardly T.S. Eliot is it. No pre-Lent Te Deums or Glorias for this crowd, bunky. Rawk.*

Flush with his victory over Mme. Mink and the others, “Mr.” Runkle called the day "a different interpretation of Mardi Gras" and said the pancake races are "probably as loose as Anglicans are going to get." Oh, c’mon, now. Rave “masses”, altar orgies, queer bishops, Buddhist bishops, Morman bishops and Wiccan clergy seem bo be a little looser than pancakes in a denomination in which “looser interpretations” are de rigeur.

But, wait, there’s more. These races took place in the Cathedral. No, pally, not in the social hall, or the parking lot or even the crypt. Nosiree. They were held in the nave itself. (Or is that “knave”.) This is lovingly shown in the accompanying pictures in the Times which don’t appear in this blog. The Toad faces a copyright suit for no man. The happy snaps show the “flippers” (oh, man, what you can do with that term applied to Episcopalians) running right down the middle of the “Nations church”. Not to worry, it’s not like there is a the Real Presence or any sort of actual pesky authoritarian God stuff involved. Just the good, greasy presence of the pancake—the emblem of the Episcopalian—warm, fluffy, inviting, but just a lot of empty calories. Rawk, rawk.* (More syrup, damn it.)

But this race was not just aimless fun, said Wendy Tobias, a priest's assistant who works in the worship department at the cathedral. She thinks it does serve a church purpose because it is "community building." Sort of like Communion or Baptism. You knew that an Episcopalian could put a “churchy” spin on this, didn’t you, pally. Now, maybe a statue of Mrs. Butterworth in one of those niches. Rawwwwwwwk.*

Now, to top off the Toad's breakfast.
The Pancake Cocktail
½ ounce Frangelico
1 dash Grand Marnier
1 slice lemon
1 pinch sugar
Mix the Frangelico and Grand Marnier together with sugar around the edge of the shot glass take the shooter then suck the lemon. It tastes like real pancakes. Honest.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous “Pancake” Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Province of the Divine Griddle Cake (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-02-28T12:18:00.007-05:00

SHEEP STEALIN’

Be not intimidated... nor suffer yourselves to be wheedled out of your liberties by any pretense of politeness, delicacy, or decency. These, as they are often used, are but three different names for hypocrisy, chicanery and cowardice.

-John Adams

Well, boys and girls,
The Toad said he wouldn’t do it. He said he was going to shift his derisive gaze to other cultural shibboleths (look it up, bunky) than the continuing Anglican churches. He knows what he said, pal. But, sometimes it’s just too easy, and someone places the chum on the water fright in front of you. Then, the Toad’s gotta’ veer to sneer.

This week, an alert reader—ok, probably a semi-comatose reader—brought the question of “sheep stealing” to the attention of the Toad. In particular, the reader was exercised by a couple of ongoing efforts at the same in their “continuing Anglican jurisdiction”. Seems as though one of the “prelates” of this body has hoisted the Jolly Roger and is sailing about trying to rustle the parishes of another such body. Thiat’s putting a new spin on Agnus Dei, isn’t it, boys and girls? Rawk*

He’s racked up more air miles than Squadron Leader Biggles did chasing the Hun, and, by all reports, there’s nothing that this oleaginous prelate won’t say to woo a parish unto his own fold. After all, he needs the money—oops—cares deeply for the souls of the faithful.

Who is this blackcoat blackguard, this pilfering primate, this covetous cleric? (How’s that for consonance, pally?) Well, here’s a hint—walk along the pavement made of the bodies of lightly-crushed clergy (they're recycling), follow the trail past the water feature in the seminary courtyard, run through the Great Hall of Multiple Living Spouses Who Aren’t Really There and then check your wallet. If you find it empty and are within hearing distance of a sermon on the profound crisis in Western Civilization, then you know that you are near to the great cathedral church of St. Bastard’s-by-the-Bay. It’s a bit like going to Mordor, but without the amenities.

The Toad gave this some thought as he sipped on some Grey Goose® brand vodka, a favorite of marauding monsignors, and contemplated sheep theft—the grabbing of others flocks to enhance one’s own. The Toad thought it was just a phenomenon of certain big-haired, evangelical Christians raiding his good ol’ Catholic church with shiny snare drums and pull down screens. Nope, not so.

The Toad, aided by more Grey Goose® brand vodka, took a look at church growth among continuing Anglicans over the years. Splitting, schism and parish rustling seems to be the primary means of “putting new pins on a map”. This is probably why the propeller-miters who head these bodies guard their real membership numbers (if there are any) like the Coca-Cola Company guards its formula or KFC the original recipe. Maybe, we just don’t want to know what’s in them any way, do we, toads and toadettes?

The splits and piracy over the years have been accompanied by some pretty wild accusations—many of them focused on the leaders of continuing churches and properly so. You’ve heard em’—they have drunk clergy, uneducated clergy, queer clergy, and just plain crazy clergy. Funny how the accusations tend to be made by clergy against clergy? Aren't any of your lay pepple sinning? Rawwwwwk!*
And how about those lay people? They appear to be reduced to “pledge units”—folks who pay the bills and fuel aspirations of the prelates of the little “jurisdictions” like bishops meetings in comfortable climes where there is an ample supply of Grey Goose® brand vodka. I’ll bet those McCormick and Schmick bills don’t make it into the diocesan budgets, do they bunky? Nope. That would be under “Bishop’s Travel”. Rawwwwk!

Now the latest of the ecclesiastical raiding seems to be targeting a group of these Anglicans that have hit on the utterly novel proposition that they want to seek unity with the “big Church.” (The Toad doesn’t want to use the word Catholic, lest you stop reading immediately and start in on the Grey Goose® brand vodka.)

Never mind that this group doesn’t yet have a deal with the “big Church”. Ignore the fact that even if there were a deal, folks would still be able to leave and join other continuing Anglican jurisdictions of whatever size they choose. Oh, yes, and completely overlook the trappings of most of these parishes make them look like a late Rococo Cathedral in Zaragoza. Nope.

It’s Roooooome! The Poooooope! Boogedy, boogedy, boogedy. Don’t look at our multiply-married bishops, our less-than-opaque finances, our diminishing numbers and our completely autocratic style. No. It’s Roooooome! The Poooooope! Boogedy, boogedy, boogedy. The Toad could draw an analogy to “Hope”, "Change" and the current political regime in the United States, but that would be unfair—to the politicos. Rawwwwk!*

One of the great things about America is its religious freedom. You can join any group you want, and be steam-cleaned to whatever extent you wish. You can be terrified by whatever religious leader you wish, even one spouting anti-Catholic bilge-after all, that’s acceptable bigotry, isn’t it? The claims can be wholly unsupported by any demonstrable fact. It’s a playground for free will, and it’s all there for the taking, particularly if you are slick and press the right buttons. Never mind what skeletons you’ve got hidden in your own sacristy or behind the water feature in the courtyard. Nosiree! As long as you preserve the "mystique of the episcopacy" and provide gravitas, the faithful will gather round. At lease that's the theory explained to the Toad in a long ago interview with one sacerdotal Svengali, a figure out of the episcopal version of central casting, after too many glasses of Grey Goose® brand vodka.

Well, here’s a message from the Toad, boys and girls. Maybe these guys actually believe their own come-on lines. But, all Christians lose in this situation, because a fragmented Christ is not credible to the one seeking to know whether Christ is Good News or just another instance of the human problems of judgment and hostility and self-interest. Put that in your miter and pull it down over your ears, pally.

Now, it’s time for the Toad to have more Grey Goose® brand vodka and get back to trading sheep futures. But, first, he’s gotta’ take a call…which of my former spouses is on the line? The lovely and talented Morgan Fairchild, you say? Put her through. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Sheep Dip Cocktail
1/2 pint lemonade
1 shot advocaat
1shot Blue Curacao
1/2 pint cider
1 shot Grey Goose® brand vodka
Add ingredients in the above order mixing after vodka and lemonade. poor over ice...very nice

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous “Popish Plot” Toad,DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Province of the Purloined Ovine-Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2009-02-23T11:06:00.011-05:00

Hollow Chocolate Bishops

“Within the hollow crown
That rounds the mortal temples of a king
Keeps Death his court.”
-William Shakespeare

Good morning boys and girls,

As we approach Lent, the Toad has been busy emptying the liquor cabinet. Alright, bunky, the Toad is always busy emptying the liquor cabinet, but that’s his business. Capisce? Good.

For some weeks, this old Toad, fueled by several cases of Old Overcoat, has been thinking about the direction of this little corner of dyspepsia. Church parody, particularly satire involving the shenanigans of “continuing” Anglican bodies, has worn thin. I mean, how many pseudo-seminaries can one write about? (Fine, the answer is “more than grains of sand on a beach.” Who are you people? Saint Augustine?)

In fact, these little groups “continue” to be their own best satire. Witness the recent grand ecumenical event to generate, you guessed it Toads and Toadettes, more continuing Anglican bishops. Rawk!*

Yep. For a group called UECNA (we’re not even trying to figure out acronyms anymore) numbering 300 to 600 there are three, count ‘em three new bishops. There was a big whoop in doing this because of the “ecumenical” dimension to the effort. The “consecration” was aided and abetted by the episcopal presence of two other “jurisdictions”-the APCK (est. 2,500 members) and the ACC (est. 3,000 adherents). While it is a bit difficult to for the Toad to figure out, that makes a rough total of about 13 U.S. bishops for maybe about 7,000 people in the ACC, APCK and UECNA. Wow, mater, get me a bowl of alphabet soup! I need something to cut the effect of the Old Overcoat.

When the Toad heard this, he thought it was simply his choice of adult beverages clouding reality like Lamont Cranston on a busy afternoon. But, no, there are actual pictures of this event. Strangely, there’s not much biographical information out there with it—you know, stuff like whether these gents actually saw the inside of a legitimate seminary or other more interesting episcopal tidbits, like how many living spouses there are among the crowd. Hey, at least nobody’s gay like in those other churches, right? What matters is service! And at about one bishop per member, you can bet there’s service aplenty. (Ok, that’s an exaggeration, but you get the point.)

The Toad suspects that there is a conspiracy among vestment makers to keep this stuff going. The rings alone will keep the children of both Duffy and Quinn in grad school for at least two years. And check out the assortment of copes, miters, rochets and chimeres. Gee, boys and girls, the Toad doesn’t want to think about the implications of the theologies behind those rigs.

It’s probably unfair to point at these little groups on the matter of the number of bishops they are putting out, much less what’s under the miters, or zucchettos or, whatever. Nosiree. Recent Anglican fragments have been cranking out the prelates like Mickey Ds does burgers. (“Look ma, it’s the episcopate of all believers. Or is that the priesthood of all bishops.”)

Now the big question is coming. Who gets to be in charge? Perhaps they’ll rotate it on alternate Thursdays. Or, they can put ‘em all in a locked room with a box of straight razors and a bottle of port and see who eventually phones out to Almy for an archbishop’s get-up. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*
Well, now there are more of these guys to bounce around their “pro-cathedrals”, make sovereign proclamations (never mind that authority thing) and “evangelize” by hucking other continuing Anglican parishes. The number of spottily-educated and, worse, unformed clergy will be turned loose to form “parishes” consisting of three old woman and a cat, who eventually will form their own “jurisdictions” and get themselves the miter they have so long deserved, all the while solemnly pronouncing their “catholicity.”

Toads and Toadettes, you heard it here—it’s all miter and no bishop. It’s like getting the big box of liquor-filled candies, and finding no thing inside—not even old overcoat. It’s more like getting a hollow chocolate bishop—the outside bits look real good, but there ain’t much working in terms of innards. At least those of the candy variety give us pleasure in their arrival and sadness when they’re gone, and not the opposite. Rawwwwwwk!*

So, the Toad is going to shift focus. Stop whining, bunky. He’ll still post the occasional nonsense about hollow bishops (chocolate or human), fake seminaries and religious scams. It’s like those potato chips or Old Overcoat, you can’t just have one. But look for a broader selection of craziness to be taken down in these pages. After all, there is so much to bark about, and so little Old Overcoat.

As you gear up for Fat Tuesday, the Toad recommends the Bishop Cocktail. HE particularly likes the fact that it’s decorated with various fruits. C.M. Almy, eat yer heart out. Rawk*

Bishop Cocktail recipe

Scale ingredients to 1 serving

juice of 1/4 lemons
juice of 1/4 oranges
1 tsp powdered sugar
Burgundy wine

Shake juice of lemon, juice of orange, and powdered sugar with ice and strain into a highball glass. Add two ice cubes, fill with burgundy, and stir well. Decorate with various fruits and serve.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

“Bishop” Roy Aldous Toad,DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Prelate-Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Church and Pancake House-Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2008-12-18T17:26:00.011-05:00

Masonic Musings

"But if any of you could put in a word for me I'd love to be a mason. Masonry opens doors. I'd be very quiet, I was a bit on edge just now but if I were a mason I'd sit at the back and not get in anyone's way....I've got a second-hand apron...I nearly got in at Hendon."-John Cleese, "The Architect's Sketch"

Ok, Boys and Girls,

The Toad is back at it. We begin with a little test--no, it's not the one you get from a fake seminary. This one is for free. Today’s quiz relates to Who’s Satanic Now? Our first question comes from Mrs. H. Bristols in Cheapstowe who asks, “Who’s that devilishly hairy fellow running the Church?” Well, Mrs. B., surprise, it’s old Nick himself! (And we don’t mean Jolly Old Saint, either.) It is the hirsute one-Mr. Eyebrows himself. (That's right, bunky, go to a real school and you'll learn words like "hirsute". Rawk.*)

Now it seems like Rowan the Druid, Rowan the Moslem, Rowan the Anything-Goes-But-Christianity, doesn’t like Freemasons. Doesn't want the clergy to learn the secret handshake either. By the side of the average CofE parish these days, Freemasons seem quite innocent. Next thing you know, he'll be telling us that the world is run by a gang comprised of the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission and the Skull and Bones Society. Ok, the last part is true, but not the Freemasons. They couldn't organize a get-drunk in a brewery.

Oh, yeah, sure they can do those intricate patterns in the little go-carts with 300 pound fez-sporting hefties zooming about, frightening the children. And it is rumored that they can put on a dandy evening of intricate "ceremony" that usually has someone in an apron insulting another similarly clad about how, "this wasn't done in the old days when people knew their ritual." Shades of the Tridentine Mass crowd or at least a fruiting-good, high-church Anglican whoop-de-do with pink gin in the sacristy after. But, Satanic? The bearded clown of Canterbury ought to leave the low-rent, amateur gnostics like the poor Freemasons alone.

The Toad thinks its just too easy. You don't have to be a certain vitriolic, Kiwi, semi-baptist with a spurious D.D. degree to play "spot the demon" with old Rowan. No sireee. This would be the same Archbishop of Canterbury who caused just a wee bit of controversy by praising the Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials - a work that is anti-Christian, at best. A mere bagatelle. This would be the guy who paints himself blue for a little innocent pagan ritual. Oh, yes, he's also the fellow who heads the purportedly Christian denomination with transgendered priestesses. (The Toad notes here that he once owned a '68 Pontiac Lesbitrangay--couldn't keep it going in any one direction.) This would also be the same Rowan Williams who frets over how to accommodate his alleged church to Moslems. When faced with all of this, a spokesman for the Church of England quickly replied, "As far as we are concerned, there is no incompatibility between Christianity and our organisation whatsoever."

But, as the Toad sips his "Masonic Cocktail", he supposes that there must be some responsible thinking on the subject of Masons outside of a Chick Tract or Tony Alamo website. Well, Toads and Toadettes, the predecessor to the Orthodox Church in America has had bad news for the "Craft" since the '50s. It cautions members, especially the pastors, of the incompatibility of membership in the saving Church of Christ and simultaneously membership in Masonic Lodges, which are a mixture of pagan and other religions with certain secret "initiations" as a fixed ritual of the order...." Ooops, that would be "pagan" with a capital "p" that rhymes with "d" and that stands for "damned". And this would differ from "mainstream" Anglicanism how?

but wait, there's more. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, then Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, issued a declaration that the judgment of the Church on Masonry remains unchanged, because the Masonic principles are irreconcilable with the Church's teaching ("earum principia semper iconcilabilia habita sunt cum Ecclesiae doctrina"), and that Catholics who join the Masons are in the state of grave sin and may not receive Holy Communion. Yeow! Stick a fork in you 'cause you are sacramentally done, Mason-boy.

There you have it--two out of three, with the Grand Bard of the Mystic Grove counting as an actual vote in favor of remaining in the "Brotherhood". Better give up that Masonic ring or get a pop up thermometer to tell when you're done. At least it's not Uncle Rowan telling you to lay off the secret handshake. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

As for the Toad, he refrains from any club that would have him as a member, although he is partial to the fez as headwear. So, the Toad plans to start his own "Morgan Affair." (Look it up, pally!) How about this for a ritual that leaves you a mindless...well...Zombie...

- 1 oz Light Rum

- 1 oz Anejo Rum

- 1/4 oz 151 Proof Rum

- 1/2 oz Apricot Brandy

- 1 oz Pineapple Juice

- 1 oz Lime Juice

- 2 oz Orange Juice

- 1 cup Crushed Ice

- 1 tsp Superfine Sugar

- Garnish: cherry, orange slice, mint sprig

All served up in a Cocktail Glass, fez boy. It will put you Plumb straight. And that's on the Square. Raaaawwwwwk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Right Worshipful Bro. Roy Aldous "Albert Pike" Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)
Mystic Lodge of the Sea, No. 1313
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2008-09-14T21:44:00.010-04:00

FRIENDLESS

“FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.”-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Hello, Boys and Girls,

It's been awhile. I've been away, and the where, what, and why are none of your business. Capisce? Who do you think you are, anyway? Mike Wallace? Well, the Toad's got your sixty minutes...I got it right here, pally.

Needless to say, we've been rusticating someplace warm, lamenting the fact that satire brings us no friends at all. Only the little guy in the white monkey jacket by the pool who keeps bringing those drinks with the little umbrellas in them. Well, the Toad was happily sucking down Caipirinhas and other tropical cocktails made with un-aged cachaça (for you untutored grads of mail-order academe, that's fresh sugarcane juice that's fermented and distilled), when my agent called and reminded me that if I didn't satirize something soon, I'd lose the extensive royalties I get from this column. That and the only addiction stronger than cachaça--utterance of truth and common sense--brought me back to the upper southern midwest faster than fake clergyman to an offering plate.

Egads, toads and toadettes, in my absence fake seminaries have grown like mushrooms, there are at least 40 or 50 new "catholic" denominations, not to mention an assortment of other wing nuts, and the "mainstream" has not diasppointed. Nosiree! Just look here.

The Church of England will tomorrow officially apologize to Charles Darwin for "misunderstanding" his theory of evolution. In what has been called a "bizarre step" (and aren't t hey all of late), the good ol' CofE will address its contrition directly to the Victorian scientist himself, even though he died 126 years ago. The move was greeted with derision last night, even before the Toad could put electronic ink on the page. Darwin’s great-great-grandson dismissed it as "pointless" and other critics branding it "ludicrous". Rawk, rawk, rawk!* What an understatement, boys and girls.

But, wait, there's more. Terry Sanderson, president of the National Secular Association,-that's the National Secular Association-said: ‘It does seem rather crazy for an institution to address an apology to an individual so long after his death. ‘As well as being much too late, the message strikes me as insincere, as if there is an unspoken “but” behind the text.

Yes, boys and girls, there is an unspoken "butt" behind the text--the bespectacled, bearded pagan who is the trainmaster at Crazytown Station--Rowan "Mr. Muddle" Williams. It's all about being nice, though, isn't it? Just like the imposition of Sharia Law is "inevitable" in Britain. That's going to cut into the Toad's travel plans.

Of course, "a less critical tone was struck by Horace Barlow, 87, from Cambridge, who is Darwin’s great-grandson." Grand old Horace thought it would be spiffing for his ancestor "to hear the Church’s apology." (Let's be clear, here--the "Church" being the CofE, not to be confused with a Christian denomination.) "They buried him in Westminster Abbey," said Mr. Barlow, "which I suppose was an apology of sorts." Here's the clincher from Monkey boy's progeny: "‘Darwin was very concerned about offending other people as his wife Emma was a committed Christian..." As to Darwin's commitments, Horace-baby doesn't say. bunky.

It's this kind of narcissistic crapola that has revived, enlivened, and even emboldened the Toad. That and the drink pronounced 'KIE-PUR-REEN-YAH', popular among international crowds as on Copacabana Beach. Traditional caipirinha (and, by heaven, the Toad is "traditional") is made with cachaça, sugar, and crushed limes, served over ice. It is always muddled (not like Uncle Rowan, but crushed with a masher or the blunt end of a wooden spoon). Boys and girls, make sure to muddle in a shaker or a sturdy, non-breakable glass. You can also try replacing lime with about 1/2 cup of fresh tangerine, star fruit, passion fruit, peach, pear, pineapple, plum, orange, mango, grape, guava, figs, etc.Caipirissima is a cocktail like caipirinha, mixed with rum instead of cachaça. If mixed with sake instead of cachaça, the drink is called caipisake--although, haven't we had entirely too much of that sort of thing. I think a number of Caipisake C-100s sank the USS Lexington--or at least it provides the Toad's new ground transportation. Check it out and don't get in the way.

So, there we are. Friendless. Truthtelling and common sense-advocating. But, you know, I gotta' bike and a pitcher of Caipirinhas (pronounced "KIE-PUR-REEN-YAHS"). And you don't.

As for the the Toad? Well, he's as hot among international crowds as he is on Copacabana Beach.

So we're back. Pokin', jabbin', low blow hittin' and always, always takin' time out to savage a fraud, fake, poseur, mail-order clergyman, the "school" that trained him and the "bishop" that ordained him. We also aren't beneath taking a shot or three at the silliness of the "mainstream" church. So, be advised, be warned and be very afraid. The Toad is back, and he is satirized for your protection.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous "Capisake" Toad,
DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)
Guest Degree: DD Laud Hall (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2008-02-11T08:20:00.000-05:00

But Where Are the Pancakes?
"We're playing to our authenticity ... We're building from the ground up, and we're transmitting to the world something that nobody else can recreate."
-Anyonymous, About Zydeco at the Grammys

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

Your truly, Dr. Roy Aldous Toad, has been taking a little time off of late. However, some things just really goad the Toad, and even winter hibernation (ok, snocking a few on the poop deck of the S.S. Toad in sunnier climes) can't keep him from jacking up a fraud. In this case, it is a fraudulent "Zydeco Mass" perpetrated by...you guessed it...the Episcopal Church.

Here's how they did it at St. Paul's Cathedral in San Diego: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGLpmSZBemY

Just a little rum and sacrilege for Shrove Tuesday. The knave...oops...nave altar is the least of their worries. Puts a new spin on the giving of the peace, eh, bunky? Rawk, rawk, rawk!

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous "Zydeco" Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2008-01-03T19:08:00.000-05:00

Make a Deal with the Devil

“The Blues IS Life.”
-Brownie Mc Ghee

Happy New Year, Toads and Toadettes,

Out in the frozen upper southern Midwest, the toad pond is…well…frozen. What did you expect, bunky? Central heat in a pond? Heated “water features” are only available to seminary patrons in California. The rest of us have to make do with Velicoff® vodka (available in stylish 1.5 liter jugs) and episodes of “Real Desperate Housewives” to stay warm. No trickle down at this level of the ecclesiastical food chain, boys and girls. The cheery warming glow of the Grey Goose effect is confined to the Olympian reaches of the church where the mystique of the episcopacy remains very well-preserved. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

So at the outset of a bright new year, the Toad is lounging about in his smoking jacket, a chilled glass of Velicoff® with a twist of lemming in hand, pondering the target list for the year upcoming, and we have to say that the field is a rich one indeed. Fraudsters, fakers, fools and outright felons are in abundance, and the ordinary buffoonery of presumptuous prelates already has the Hubrisometer (pat. pending) redlined.

But, it’s still Christmas, and what passes for charity in the Toad has not yet subsided, so the flame still is burning on low, largely fueled by Velicoff®. (How do they make a profit on this stuff $7.99 a gallon?) And, the Toad, himself, is not unaffected by the downward emotions that follow on the holidays. After a vigorous New Years round of Bite the Head Off the Bishop (a little divertissement we’ll address in another column), and a little more Velicoff® brand vodka, the Toad got out his blues collection and cranked up the Victrola for the annual end-of-year depression fest.

Following 24-hours of high-volume blues-musing and several visits from the local constabulary and an amphibious film crew from COPS, the Toad began to write a script for the ultimate blues movie. That is until he found out there already is one. The Crossroads…a proposed animated blues film based on the legend that Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil to become a great blues musician. The struggle of the movie revolves around the lucky mojo above and the soul of a man. Lucky mojo! Wow, that’s even better than Velicoff® in the economical demi-tanker size!

Here’s the plot, boys and girls. Two up and coming blues bands meet at the International Blues Challenge in Memphis (which is sort of near St. Louis) to compete for the best blues band award. It turns out the bands know, and can't stand, one another. They performed a few times at blues festivals and got into fights, and by chance they both wind up at the Memphis contest and decide to settle the score.

Before you know it, the bands are spying on each other and eavesdropping on conversations…and then they both overhear something that sets their souls on fire... two old bluesmen get into a hell of an argument whether or not Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil... they're both stone drunk and start yelling at each other, “Did So! - Did Not! - Did So! - Did Not!...”
The Toad was devastated. A great plot, the blues, fighting among the bands playing the same music, the devil all wrapped up in an animated format. And the Toad thought he was the only cartoon character hereabout! Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Lubricated with ample quantities of Velicoff® (Toads tend to dry out at this time of year) and after a hearty meal of Cheeze Whiz® and Saltines® (you were expecting flies?), the Toad sat down to pen his own version of the best blues movie ever done, replete with cartoon characters, or, at least vagante clergy and purported seminary deans.

Here’s the new plot, boys and girls. Our scene opens in St. Louis, a bastion of the blues and home of W.C. Handy, Louis Armstrong, Bessie Smith…well, you get the picture.
A whole bunch of Episcopalians be suffering from the Dipping Women Torn Up Ol’ Prayerbook Blues. They are bluer than blue, ‘cept maybe the hair on a bunch of them. There on the banks of the Big River, weighed down with woe, they start the Original, Original Province St. Louis Blues Band Contest. It’s dedicated to playing the old tunes, the real tunes, the familiar tunes, and there’s only supposed to be one band.

But, that ain’t the way of the blues, and it sho’ ‘nuff ain’t the way of the St. Louis Blues. Sorry, the Toad slipped into Blues vernacular. Like Blues authority, DJ Kool Karl says, “You don't have to write Blues songs in Ebonics, but it helps.” It must have been the Velicoff® talking—that and the Blues.

So, here we, go. We done got a big crowd full of the little "b" blues out on old St. Louis (they'd never use a big "B"), and they want one band to fire up playing their favorite tunes, and they set up a bunch of band leaders: James, Dale and Robert. What kind of blues names are those? Blues names for men are Joe, Willie, Joe-Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie, Blind Willie, Blind Joe, Muddy, and Leroy. James, Dale and Robert can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

I mean if you want to sing the blues you need a good Blues singer’s name. First take the name of a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame) Then add the name of a fruit (not that kind of fruit real fruit-Lemon, Melon, Cherry). Then tack on the last name of a President (Johnson, Jefferson, and the like). You can even use an ecclesiastical title, preferably Deacon or Bishop (see, e.g. Elvin Bishop). Blind Deacon Washington, or Leroy “Little Bishop” Jefferson are kickin’ blues names. You can gather ‘round names like that.

Then there were audience problems. While St. Louis has always been one of the best Blues cities in the world, these were just not people with a right to sing the Blues. “Who, Toad,” you may ask, “does have the right to sing the Blues?”

According to DJ Kool Karl, soon to be named an archdeacon and dean of the East St. Louis Catholic Orthodox Anglican Seminary and Embalming School (Original Province) says, you can sing the blues if: You older than dirt, You blind, You "shot a man in Memphis", You "can't get no satisfaction", You a "Back Door Man", You named your guitar after your ex-wife who left you for your best friend. (Ok, many in the audience fit the bill.) But you can’t if, You have all your teeth, You "once was blind but now can see", The man in Memphis lived, You have a 401K or trust fund, or you “amicably left your wife for another man having discovered your true sexuality”. Heck, you can’t sing the blues if you left anyone and a razor was not involved.

Even worse, there were few Blues-appropriate beverages like Ripple, Rye Whiskey or Bourbon, Muddy Water, nasty black coffee, Old Style beer or Velicoff® vodka in the 1.5 liter size. You ain’t gonna’ make it drinking Perrier, chardonnay, Grey Goose Vodka, “The Glenlivet” or anything with “glen” in it, Bombay gin, or any kind of imported beer.

They even had the wrong transportation. Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Blues cars are Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken down pickup trucks. Jet aircraft and company cars ain't even in the running. Blues don't travel in BMW’s, Mercedes or Sport Utility Vehicles. This was not looking good.

But, maybe it was the place that overcame the Blues odds. Pretty soon the one band was three or four, and then twenty, and then…well…there’s a new one in every garage. And the big three or four bands, well they began to talk about just who had made that deal with the devil, and who might be a “backdoor man”. Yeah, they make it to a few blues festivals (they play St. Louis a couple of times, some burg called Bartonville, Deerfield Beach for the spring break crowd, and a small venue called Fond du Lac), but they always be gettin’ in fights. And drink? They proved that if you just drink enough chardonnay, Grey Goose Vodka, anything with “glen” in it, or Bombay gin you can have chops like Blind Lemon Jefferson.

Trouble was, these self-proclaimed bluesmen never really got the Blues themselves. They sang something that sounded like them, but the audience only came away with the little “b” blues. Maybe it was the clothes. No one will believe it’s the real Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it... for two weeks...in a Greyhound Bus station. The best clothes for the blues is torn overalls, or a prison uniform, and, of course you should be wearing a cool Blues hat. But these guys dressed for the show in coordinated natty purple shirts, and purple gloves and purple socks and lots and lots of lace. Either there was pimpin’ going on, they actually were the Rondelles or they was the “other woman” somebody shot in Memphis. Maybe it was all three. Something in the script just wasn’t right.

But, then more traditional Blues patterns emerged. There was lyin’, cheatin’, adultery, stealin’, fightin’, fakin’, posin’, adultery, guns, liquor, cursin’, prison and, of course, adultery. Man, it’s like that song Aretha sings, “Who's zoomin' who, take another look, tell me baby…Who's zoomin who...oh…”

But, in the end, it resonates with The ViceBishops’ (yes, that’s their name) tune, “the party's over And the guests are gone You know it's time to be movin' on.” After all, the real Blues is the thing. Fake Blues on an air guitar don’t float the boat. And, the audience is flat tired of hearing who made a deal with the devil.

Sorry, boys and girls, it’s just the Velicoff® talking.

So the Toad will close this New Year’s reverie with B.B. King’s Actions Speak Louder Than Words. It pretty well sums up the state of things Blues-wise, authority-wise and just plain people-wise. Ponder the lyrics.

And, if you don’t know of B.B. King, bunky, you should immediately: tear up your application to on-line seminary, drink a 1.5 liter bottle of Velicoff® brand vodka wrapped in a paper bag, sleep in a black suit for the next two weeks, and move to St. Louis. You’ll thank the Toad…really. Happy New Year, pally. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)

Bluesman Extraordinaire

*The Sound of One Toad Barking

Actions Speak Louder Than Words-B.B. King

You won't listen to nothing I tell you, baby
You keep on doing just as you please
Hey, you won't do nothing I tell you, baby
Keep on doing as you please
I've taken as long as I can, baby
When is this foolishness gonna cease

I've worried myself crazy, baby
Cried both night and day
I said I've worried myself crazy, baby
Cried both night and day
You don't believe me, baby
But I'm gonna leave one of these days

Well, you told me that you love me
But actions speak louder than words
Oh, you said you love me, baby
But action speaks louder than words
I won't be fooled no longer, baby
That line everybody's heard

Well, If you're gonna change, baby
You better do it real soon
Hey, If you're gonna change
For the better, baby
You better do it real soon
Because you'll wake up one of these mornings
Find yourself in a empty room.

2007-12-20T08:48:00.000-05:00

We're Back! Where are the presents?

(at left, Dr. Toad and staff member at office party, Christmas 2007)

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.-Phyllis Diller

Good Morning, Toads and Toadettes,

After a bit of time off, all of it well deserved, pally, we are back and barking. As we approach the Nativity, the Toad is pondering Christmas presents--for him. And so it is that our good friends over at Ship of Fools give us the Twelve Days of Kitschmas which you can find here:

http://shipoffools.com/kitschmas/index.html

These are billed as "twelve righteous and deserving products, plus a special item for the 13th day" of Christmas. The Toad is deeply torn among the St. Sebastian Pincushion (ouch!), the 512 Mb. Maria Memory Stick ("Oh, Blessed Maria, keep my data safe."), or the "Coffin Glamour Calendar".
Yes, here it is, boys and girls, "the frankly sexy Padre Pio casket, hand-crafted in Italian oak with a fully adjustable interior lovingly tailored in crepe. It's a shame that a model accidentally wandered onto the set and got in the way of seeing this baby in all its glory." As Ship of Fools urges, this Christmas "Think outside the box! Order your copy of the Coffin Glamour Calendar for your church vestry." It's just 9.30 Euros. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Other contenders include the Pope's Cologne, Holy Toast, and a Hip Flask Bible. They were thinking of a matching Hip Flask Book of Common Prayer, but they couldn't decide between the 1662 and the 1928. So you'll just have to rely on the usual your trusty Cane Flask and Pocket Flask to see you through that Christmas Vigil and first Mass of Christmas. After all, we do like to stick with traditional liturgical appointments. Rawk!* The folks at the Prayer Book Society will have it sorted out by next Christmas, or at least a Study Committee appointed to prepare a report to begin to explore the issue. (This, of course, will be made available on their website for a mere 8.40 Euros.)

The Toad supposes that this is all more harmless than buying your loved one a fake seminary education and the Bishop's Quality Vestment Assortment (light-up crozier not includes) this Christmas. (244 Euros + VAT). The Toad supposes that other gift possibilities (for him, not you), would include the Footballing Jesus Figure (just $20 plus postage), Armor of God PJs (only $39.95 plus shipping), or the non-stick coating, Jesus Pan ("puts the image of Jesus RIGHT ON FOOD!"). Yeow!

The Toad, though, who has quite enough swag, has decided that the most appropriate gifts (for him, not you, ok?) are comestibles. Specifically, a case of William Wilberforce Freedom Ale from Westerham Brewing in the UK ("Amazing taste! How sweet the round...") or God's Wallop Christmas Brew would be nice. Or how about some He'Brew "the chosen beer"("This Chanukah, candles won't be the only thing getting lit!")? You can visit the sites here http://www.westerhambrewery.co.uk/ and here http://www.shmaltz.com/

And, there you are. You have some truly great Christmas gifts to send to me, Dr. Roy Aldous Toad. Now, it's back to the office party where this year's holiday theme is "A Smile, A Song, A Lawsuit". After sufficient quantities of He'Brew brand Genesis Ale from the fine people at Schmaltz Brewing Company, we'll be back. We have a few things to bark about before the end of the year as well as our donation checks to certain seminaries, and we want to be in the true spirit of Christmas for the effort.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2007-11-25T23:39:00.000-05:00

What’s In a Name?

"What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
-Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

How do you spell hubris? Ok-for those who have had a bit too much Grey Goose® vodka (the Toad likes his with a twist of lemming), the word means, according to its modern usage, exaggerated self pride or self-confidence. It is an overbearing pride, often resulting in fatal retribution. Well, that would fit the Toad to a T. But how about the “former” Archbishop of a certain continuing jurisdiction? He’s retired. Really. He's not running things anymore. Right. Pay no attention to the man in front of the library. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

So, it was with no trepidation (ain’t defining that for you) at all, that the Toad heard about a little building program going on. At a seminary. At a seminary in a continuing church jurisdiction about which it’s “dean” boasted that other major seminaries have weighed in-it's national material. Whooooo! Chum on the water! (Ok, for the Toad it’s more like “flies in the air”, but it just doesn’t ring right style-wise capisce?)

Some informed reader anonymously mailed the Toad a suave brochure entitled “St. Joseph of Arimathea Library.” As a fundraiser, it was very slick—lots and lots of money slick, with a proposed look of the biblioteque on the front, a floorplan in the interior, and, so help me, an “axonometric view” on the back. Yeow! The presentation’s gotta’ cost a bundle, and, given the stiffing this particular jurisdiction has given to its clergy, you’d better hope that the mailing is a donation. Otherwise, might be some ‘splainin’ to do. Ooops…sorry, it was done by the wholly- unrelated “St. Joseph of Arimathea Foundation”, which is completely unconnected to, oh, say, the Anglican Province of Christ the King. That would be the ever-decreasing body of oh, say, 1,800 folks is not mentioned anywhere in the brochure, at least in the copy sent to the Toad.. Get that, donors? Not anywhere.

Never mind that the website of that very same body counts this as “the seminary of the Anglican Province of Christ the King, a nationwide body of Christian Churches dedicated to maintaining traditional Episcopalian faith and practice in the United States.” Boy, the Toad could go a whole lot of places with that name "Episcopalian" (note the capital letter, rawk, rawk, rawk!*) And he will. Later. But, let’s turn to the moment to the front graphic of this little flyer. The crack technical staff at the Barking Toad has scanned it for your delectation.

What venerable, white-haired figure do you see in the foreground with hand extended Moses-like? Could it be the “retired” archbishop of the APCK? Say it isn’t so! No one could be possessed of that much hubris. It must be a cleverly-generated computer homunculus of some white-maned, gent in clerics standing outside of a non-existent building in Berkeley, California in which his office is located. Sure looks like a certain past-prelate. And we really like the limo in the foreground. Mercedes? Of course, always go top shelf, bunky!

But now to the meat of the reinvention of this seminary, now being subtly pushed as an adjunct to the University of California (fraudulizer® alert!). The priest who passed this to the Toad once was a contributor to this seminary--gave real jack to it and hucked his people to do the same. He has a number of good buddies in black who got out of it intact, with a pretty good education. (Many didn’t stay in one piece, but, that is a for another time, boys and girls. Wait for it.) It was supposed to be a two-year S.T.B. (not STD-that would be another problem) program to support a traditional Anglican Church. Non-accredited-ok, we’ll spot that-but residential and with a chapel and a real faculty. Oops, boys and girls! Guess the windows weren't closed against that rarified Berkeley air.

Lots of men started rolling through on the “battlefield commission” standard. You know, show up two weeks and be a priest. Different from St. Table Tops’ how? Oh, yeah, you get to drink in the "mystique of the episcopacy for two weeks".

Formation? Naw. Verification of ability? Naw. Green card? Not necessarily (at least says the palooka who sent this to the Toad.)

What we’ve got is a collapsing continuing church that’s trying to reinvent itself as a seminary and “campus ministry”-that would be the rowing team at old U.C., noted for their devotion to…well…something. Don’t look too closely out there at foundations or ownership or management stuff.

The Toad, who has been accused of going too light on “mainstream” continuers whoever they are, was challenged to confront this. Well, over some dry gin and moist towlettes we confronted the rest of the solicitation and faced the inevitable image: Tim and Tammy Bakker. By what name do you call hubris? Let’s pick a few.

You can have “Naming Opportunities” for this pile of rubble in Berkeley (Native--American for “Pay Too Much For Living With Godless Dopeheads”). Here are a few from the flier:

Solarium/reading Room $200,000
(that’s a lot of sun)
Kitchen $150,000
(hope there’s a ‘wave)
Courtyard $200,000
(we don’t have to build anything)
Water Feature $ 40,000
(Toad don’t wanna’ know)
Bookcase $ 20,000
(Ikea? Heard of it?)

The bottom line is an ambitious program for a continuing church that couldn’t even raise matching funds to meet a most generous matching grant to build parishes--er, build parishes..Great Commission...anyone out there? All of this comes a at a time when some in that “jurisdiction” came to their senses and sought to get away from a cult of personality. (Look at the figure in the picture. Can anyone say “Lenin’s Tomb”?)

So here it is, boys and girls. A once noble effort, admittedly with some fine graduates, abandons its roots to become a “seminary” and “student ministry” with no mention of “continuing Anglicanism” or even “Episcopalianism”. It’s trying to raise swag at $20k a bookcase for an operation that has how many full time students? And the Toad just knows that the big gun donors will be lining up…as long as they are off their medication.

Below-Not a Seminary (yet)

By all reports, the big cheese in this is a student of Russian history. Toad ain’t no ecclesiastic, but he is a political sort in the pond. Lessee’…Lenin, and later Stalin, gulls Western investors into plunking money into the Potemkin village of Russia. (GM, Armand Hammer…anyone listening?). Money is used for whatever purpose the leader deems. (How much is left over on a $20k bookcase?)

Peasants, kulaks, middle class and personal friends are killed off or exiled.

So, here it is. The second part of the name hubris-the older sense. In Ancient Greece, “hubris” referred to actions taken in order to shame the victim, thereby making oneself seem superior. Check out the guy in the courtyard in that first picture. He’s never done that. Or anyone on his board.

Boys and girls, hubris was a crime in classical Athens. It was considered the greatest sin of the ancient Greek world. The category of acts constituting hubris for the ancient Greeks apparently broadened from the original specific reference to molestation of a corpse (God knows, we don't want to molest or annoy our jurisdiction), or a humiliation of a defeated foe, to molestation, or “outrageous treatment,” in general. Let’s check the tally from the Continuum site: Edwards, Novak, Nalls, Hart. The Toad knows of more. But, what more do we need?

What’s in a name? The name is well...you know who he is...and it ain't Moses. And you can add your name to the mausoleum in the hope that amid the whited sepulcher, a few more good men are raised up. The Toad bets you can even have dinner at the Faculty Club.

When you are done, the Toad wants to put up a seminary close to home. Ann Arbor’s relaxed marijuana laws make it a great place for fund raising. A little of the old incense and the donors will name a hash pipe “Vince” for ten grand and not remember in the morning. At least they don’t want to remember. Rawwwwwwk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2007-11-19T18:17:00.000-05:00

GLORY, LAUD AND HONOR

“Behold, I am become a reproach to thy holy name, by serving any ambition and the sins of others; which though I did by the persuasion of other men, yet my own conscience did cheek and upbraid me in it."
-William Laud

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad is working on a double-header tonight. He received the e-mail below from astute reader Dr. Jonathan E. Larkin via the Toad’s Latvian ISP (their motto “servers for those who just don’t want to be found”). Dr. Larkin identifies himself as an “Adjunct Professor TLCGSM” at http://www.tlcgsm.com/ The link leads to a the site of “Trinity Learning Community Schools of Ministry”, “a non-profit educational institution located in Southern California that can help you find your place in the Bigger Story of God.” Whoa, there’s a big claim!

Apart from helping you know your place, TLCGSM, which appears to be attached to three “Vineyard” churches, offers a Bachelor of Christian Studies and a Master of Ministry through its website. A decidedly Protestant, evangelical operation, this seminary has more letters in its name than the average continuing church. It does, though, have a tie to St. Stephens University which is chartered by the Canadian province of New Brunswick to grant Bachelor's and Master's degrees. These guys actually appear to require some time on a real campus, and not just sitting round the big table at Ho-Jo’s on Clam Night. One problem: their faculty list doesn’t seem to include Dr. Larkin. Perhaps an oversight. Rawk!*

So, it goes, boys and girls. But Dr. Larkin does provide a defense of sorts (reprinted in its entirety below) for Laud Hall Seminary, the seminary of the United Anglican Church. Dr. Larkin identifies “Laud Hall as…simply a distance learning program that offers various degrees.” He goes on to note that Old Laud “is authorised by the State of Florida to grant their degrees, as you are probably aware State Licensing is the what makes a degree legally valid or not and in most states operating a school which grants degrees without state licensing is a criminal offense. State Licensing is also the prerequisite to becoming accredited, now Laud Hall it is not federally or regionally accredited which it emphasizes on the their web page but is allowed to grant degrees based on their State Authorization.”

Say who, say what? Ok—it ain’t accredited regionally or by the feds. The website of Old Laud actually admits that. And the Toad hates to differ, but state licensing does not “make a degree valid”. State licensing is just that-a ticket to do business in a state. (Oh, yeah-get over the British spellings, gang, they irritate the Toad’s spell check when he uses it.)
Ahhhh, but Old Laud’s “programs and degrees are theological and ministerial, not secular and academic. We wish to train ministers of the Gospel, which is our primary mission and task.” Very laudable. Just don’t try trading on that degree outside of your…well…denomination...sect….whatever…

Beyond a laudacious website, there’s not much on this one, gang. However, almost all of the warning lights on the “Seminary Fraudulizer” are blinking like Britney Spears in a cop’s flashlight. Rawk, rawk!

So, the Toad printed out the Laud Hall catalogue for a little perusal after reading this month’s issue of Amphibian Today. Let’s check ‘em off, boys and girls.

--Degrees can be purchased. (Seminarian to priest in five easy payments)-No proof of this here.

--There is a claim of accreditation when there is no evidence of this status.-At least these guys don’t make this claim or make a claim of accreditation from a questionable accrediting organization like, oh, say, the Confederazione Nazionale delle Università Popolari Italiane (CNUPI).

--The operation lacks state or federal licensure or authority to operate.-They laudably admit that.

--There is little if any attendance required of students, either online or in class. (Our school motto: “You never have to show up”.)—Well, they are, after all, a correspondence school.

--Few assignments required for students to earn credits.-No evidence either way here. Perhaps we can hear from an alum or two on the comments page.

--There is a very short period of time required to earn a degree. (“Our one-week M.Div. program allows for post office delays with your check.”)-Again, any of you Old Laud matriculators want to step up and be counted?

--Degrees are available based solely on experience or resume review. (“Siding salesman? You can have an S.T.L. in spirituality!”)-To their credit, no evidence of that.

--There are few requirements for graduation.-Well, they do have the catalogue…
--The operation fails to provide any information about a campus or business location or address and rely, e.g., only on a post office box?-There is an “Administrative Office” located at 1702 McKinley St., #9 Hollywood, FL 33020. Of course, as the website notes, Laud’s got legs, and has moved about a few times—even across state lines! Whoops!
--The operation fails to provide a list of its faculty and their qualifications.- Old Laud advertises, “Well qualified Faculty and Staff”. Other than the dean, there’s nary a prof in sight, much less a c.v.
--The operation makes claims in its publications for which there is no evidence.- Well, now, doesn’t this fit even a number of accredited institutions!

On the whole, toads and toadettes, there doesn’t seem to be much there, there. There’s the customary impressive big list o’courses, but the big board says that this one is another paper tiger.

Of course, the Barking Toad would love to hear from alums, faculty, neighbors with photos of the annual graduation barbecue, and such like. If they meet the Toad’s threshold (which is quite low), they’ll even get posted.

Meanwhile, the Toad is off for a little laudanum! (And maybe some blue vitriol Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Yr. Obed Serv.,
Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)

*The sound of one hyper-educated Toad barking

The Letter (Reprinted Without Change)

Hi Dr Toad,

I saw you list of seminaries, particularly Laud Hall Seminary.Laud Hall Seminary is the Seminary for the United Anglican Church which part of the continuing Anglican movement, as you are probably well aware the continuing Anglican Movement is rather fragmented and changes depending on splits and union etc. Laud Hall as it exists today is a simply a distance learning program that offers various degrees.

It is authorised by the State of Florida to grant their degrees,as you are probably aware State Licensing is the what makes a degree legally valid or not and in most states operating a school which grants degrees without state licensing is a criminal offense. State Licensing is also the prerequisite to becoming accredited, now Laud Hall it is not federally or regionally accredited which it emphasizes on the their web page but is allowed to grant degrees based on their State Authorization. There degree's are typically, three years for the MDiv or MTh with a prerequisite of Bachelors Degree or their own Licentiate program. There Doctoral program is generally 3-5 years with the appropriate prerequisites of an undergraduate qualification and a Masters Degree.

Below is a history of the Seminary

Laud Hall Seminary was chartered in 1962 to serve the Anglican Church as a vehicle for training Clergy and Laity. In the 1980s it was transferred to Texas in the Diocese of the Southwest of the Anglican Episcopal Church of North America. It was moved to Florida when the former President of the Seminary placed it under the direction of the Traditional Episcopal Church. In 1996, the Seminary was restructured, a Board of Regents was added, the schools and Faculty were expanded and the curriculum was completely revised, with the specific purpose of bringing the school into the 21st Century, placing it online, and making it a full degree-granting institution. This move was accomplished in early 1998 when all the final documents were signed and the State of Florida authorization was conferred. Following the union of the Traditional Episcopal Church with the Anglo-Catholic Church in the Americas, the Seminary came under the jurisdiction of the United Anglican Church in 2001.

I hope that this is of some use,

Regards,

Jonthan E Larkin

Dr Jonathan E Larkin

Adjunct Professor TLCGSM

http://www.tlcgsm.com/

2007-11-17T19:56:00.000-05:00

Mother Lode for the Toad

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad has finally done it. No more will you have to shell out real dollars for fake degrees. You are free from having to deal with tabletop seminaries and having to suck up to specious scholastics. You won't have to wonder whether that suspect sheepsin will surface after you've hit the PayPal button for the St. Doenitz Seminart of the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Anglican Celtic Church of North America (Original Province). Nosiree, bunky!

Now you can go right to the source and get the whole magilla-diploma, transcript and letter of recommendation. The basic can be had right off the net, and the deluxe (and everyone wants the deluxe, right, boys and girls?) for a low, low price. How low, you ask? Well, let's look at the adert for Magic Mill at http://www.boxfreeconcepts.com/download/index.html:

Introducing the breakthrough concept in personal documents management!
Download 100% customizable templates and create impressive, precise credentials on your own PC! Fake Transcript Template*
Create perfect "transcripts"! Our off-line version of the Magic Mill fake transcript does it all:
• Easy to use-- opens in Microsoft Word
• 100% customizable-- change any words, numbers
• Makes both Bachelor's and Master's transcripts
• Prints on blank, "OFFICIAL" or "COPY" background
• Available immediately, just download
Transcript Template $6.00
Combo Deal-- get transcript template and diploma template for $8.00

But, wait, boys and girls, there's more!
Fake Diploma Template*

Create fantastic looking "diplomas" (view):
• You dream it up-- any fake universities, grad schools or degrees
• Enhanced version of our diploma for liberal arts colleges with the same great graphics
• Couldn't be easier-- open in Microsoft Word, type information and print
• Available immediately, just download
ALL PURCHASES ARE NONREFUNDABLE

The Diploma Template is $5.00 or you can get the "Combo Deal"- a transcript template and diploma template for $8.00. Want even more realism? Consider the Super Diploma Template!

But, why stop there? You can get other fake diploma templates:
Want diplomas for two year Associate Degrees?
Looking for high school diplomas, not college?
Undergraduate (Bachelor and Associate) or Graduate (Master and Doctor)?
Get 'em all at Magic Mill!

Don't have MS Word? Download the RTF Fake Diploma Maker.
Need it really large? Make giant 11 x 17 diplomas with the Mill's cheap and easy software.

The Toad tested these out, and came away with a new Doctor of Philosophy fron Carolina Coast University and a full undergraduate transcript from Suothern States University. The Toad even managed a 3.93 GPA with a major in philosophy and a minor in geology. Rock, rock, rock...er....Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

If these babies are good enough to fool the average employer, how impressive will they be when you trot 'em out on the average vagante bishop looking to add respectability to his operation. For that matter, you'll have a better fake degree than he does so you can just start your own church.

The Toad was most impressed with the recommendation letter he received from Prof. A.T. Buckpeshal in the Philosophy Department at Southern States U. (lovingly reprinted below) It brought a tear to the eye realizing how much old Bucky would do for his first and only amphibious student.

Of course, "by clicking the purchase button you agree to limit the use of your fake transcript and/or diploma template(s) to off-line activities solely related to entertainment. You agree the template file(s) will remain in your possession only and will not be copied for the purpose of selling or giving to others. You specifically agree that all 'educational institutions' typed onto a template will be limited to fictional entities created by you." Yeah, right. And Almy doesn't sell vestments to fake clergy either. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

So, have at it, boys and girls. No need to bother with that pesky schooling at all. Just stop down to the old Magic Mill and you'll be preachin' and reachin' (into the pockets of the faithful) faster than you can say, "Buckpeshal"!

Yr. Obed Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States Iniversity)
*The sound of one very educated Toad barking

Southern States University
Chapel Hill, Virginia
Philosophy Department

To whom it may concern:

Let me take this opportunity to glowingly praise Roy Aldous Toad. I had the pleasure of teaching Roy in several classes and got to know him quite well. I found him to be industrious, intelligent and very pleasant. Roy is an enthusiastic individual. He is considerate of others, always patient and blessed with a real ability to lead. In fact, in all my years of teaching here at Southern States University, I've never encountered a better all-round student.

If you are considering Roy for a job opening, I can assure you that you won't find a more earnest, loyal, hard-working or fair-minded employee. He is that rare person who was born to excel.

Sincerely,

A. T. Buckpeshal

A. T. Buckpeshal
Professor of Philosophy

2007-11-12T19:14:00.000-05:00

Proliferating Bishops

“OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as "unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.”
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

Good afternoon, Toads and Toadettes,
There’s big news out of the group CANA (Continuing Anglicans (are) Not Anglican) and their ceaseless toil for church unity. Among other things, Archbishops Peter Akinola in Nigeria and Gregory Venables in Argentina vowed to continue to defend parishes and dioceses seeking to leave the Episcopal Church. Surprise.

And here’s another surprise, four Episcopal dioceses are considering switching allegiance to foreign primates in protest against their church's support for homosexual “bishop” Gene Robinson, despite threats of disciplinary action from the Presiding Squid-Watcher if the ECUSA. (If you don’t get the reference, pally, you’ve been living in an other dimension. Rawk!*) With lots of references to Pastor Luther (nothing about “snow covered dung” though), the boys are cutting loose.

Ahhhh, but here’s where the road hits the rubber. The Virginia-based CANA (Continuing Anglicans (are really) Not Anglican) has announced that Akinola will consecrate four new bishops there in early December. These wheel re-inventors ultimately will have eight bishops for 30-35 churches.

Whoa! And you guys for years had a major jones about “all of the bishops” in the continuing Anglican churches? Who do you think you are, you bunch of Soapy Sams? Continuing churchmen have the franchise on bishop proliferation, and don’t forget it, pally!

The Toad received a copy of a helpful comment from one Fr. Blake Greenlee who says, “I'm sure that those planning the future of CANA have a plan and that they are now implementing it.” Yeah, Fr. G., and that would involve making enough of their buddies bishops so they have Episcopal throw-weight. (“We’ve got more bishops than you, nyah, nyah, nyah!”)

At the same time, all of those guys who’ve had a miter in the closet that they would try on in the privacy of their own rectories, can now get the prize they were so long denied in the old place. They can now emerge from the Episcopal closet-in the figurative sense, of course, since these jokers are all “orthodox”. (Say there, sport, is that hairspray on your hands? Rawwwwwwk!*)
With all of this rampant Lutheranism, perhaps they’fe just come up with a new formulation, “The Episcopate of All Believers”. Or, maybe, the “Priesthood of All Bishops”. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

But, wait there’s more! One writer had this to say: “I agree…that consecrating more bishops shows how foolish both Abp. Akinola and many US priests are.” And, yet another fellow asks, “Why does CANA, with 4 bishops already for 30-35 churches need four new ones?” But, then he answers his own question, “Everybody wants to be a bishop. How silly, self-preening and off-putting.”

Whoa, there! Self-preening? Is that like self-basting? And the Toad thought he had the corner on barbed commentary! Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Here’s what it boils down to, boys and girls. Everybody does want to be a bishop. It’s just due. Whether it’s the pathological need to be “in charge”, a messiah complex (“I am the only one who can save Anglicanism, reunite the East and West, and put Gondwanaland back together.”), or just “getting’ one’s due”, the purple derby has to stop.

The only thing that the Toad can say about this latest bit of bishop proliferation is that the candidates may have seen the inside of a legitimate seminary at some point. Of course, they’ve all been hanging out in ECUSA all this time, but, hey, pension trumps truth, and you can always grab a funny hat on the back end.

Well, the Toad has discovered the ultimate solution and has stolen it completely (with a minor modification or two) from the website of “John Not the Apostle”:

Inflatable Lifelike Mail-Order Bishop!

Are you having trouble getting the sort of episcopal supervision YOU want?Does your parish want the freedom of congregational rule without the stigma of COMING OUT as congregationals or presbyterians? Are you tired of bothering with those who disagree with you? Almy has heard your prayers and solved your problem! Now you can buy your OWN inflatable bishop, specially installed with download options to YOUR specifications! This bishop is guaranteed to say NOTHING which can surprise or offend!

NOW you can retain the HERITAGE and DIGNITY of episcopal visitation without worrying about heresy! The inflatable bishop comes with a sophisticated speaker system (activated by a remote control in YOUR hands!) programmed to pronounce absolution and benediction and words of confirmation and ordination--but only to those of whom YOU approve. Made of lifelike rubberite, the port-a-bishop has special velcro hands which attach to heads of confirmands and ordinands. Bishop deflates for safe, easy storage. Two models, to better accessorize your faith:

(a) Model 1928-AC. THE ANGLO-CATHOLIC, complete with 5 beautiful removable cape and mitre sets. $300.00
(b) Model 1928-lowprot. THE EVANGELICAL MODEL; left hand raised in warning, holding lifelike leatherette Bible. $150.00 (Please specify business suit or tweed jacket with oxford cloth clerical shirt in cheerful colours.)
Model 1928-lowprot is endorsed by the Prayer-Book Society.

PLEASE SPECIFY DIALECT OF YOUR EPISCOPAL VISITOR. Currently available: Oxbridge, Texan, Old South, Artistic Lisp*, and Rwandan *Model Discontinued.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2007-10-31T18:26:00.000-04:00

Tank the Skank

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

There are many things that goad the Toad. He has some has some serious anger-management issues on a lot of things ranging from fake clergy, specious seminaries, and the outrageous claims of church “jurisdictions” (original or not) and “provinces” consisting of twenty “bishops”, their wives and house pets. (Or is that “animal companions”?) Did we mention specious seminaries? Where's my harp seal bat?

Only kidding. No harp seals were injured for this column, although we are thinking vestments--furry vestments...

Well, there are, in fact, other things that really get in the Toad’s wick. Most of them we don’t share because, frankly, pally, it’s none of your business. However, an alert reader sent an article to the Toad that bears on Halloween and the moral state of things.

It seems that bawdy Halloween costumes have become the season's hottest sellers in recent years. Not just for women, but for girls, too. Very young girls.

The Washington Post, about as valuable a moral arbiter as oh, say the Episcopal Church, reports on one 11 year-old who wanted to dress up as a sports referee for Halloween. The outfit she liked is described as having a “micro-mini black skirt and a form-fitting black and white-striped spandex top held together with black laces running up the flesh-exposing sides, thigh-high black go-go boots that could be bought as an accessory, and a little bunny on the chest. She also liked the Aqua Fairy, a vampy get-up with a black ripped-up skirt, black fishnet tights and blue bustier that comes in medium, large and preteen. A medium fits…wait for it…a child of 8.

There's a message in a costume like that, and that message is: "Hello, sailor!"

Or, how about the “Fairy-Licious Purrrfect Kitty Pre-Teen”, which, according to the package, includes a "pink and black dress with lace front bodice and sassy jagged skirt with tail. . . . Wings require some assembly"? (Seems to be a lot of fairies around this year.)

Boys and girls, your little one could also go for such girl and preteen costumes as Major Flirt in army green, the bellybutton-baring Devilicious and a sassy, miniskirted French Maid, pink feather duster included. (Didn't the Toad see this last one at a clergy convention? Rawk, rawk, rawk!*) Fishnet tights, once associated with smoky cabarets or strip joints, now come in girls' sizes and cost $3.99. What about the ghost costume made out of an old sheet with eyeholes?

Americans are expected to spend upwards of $5 billion this year on candy, ghoulish decorations and costumes. That’s more than most vagantes spend on e-bay vestments or seminaries!

The hottest trend in costumes, retailers say, is sexy. And young.

Suggestive costumes for girls have become so big that there is a separate pre-season fashion show. The Halloween costume trend is just a part of a far larger trend that young girls are becoming sexualized. Task forces of psychologists study the trend. Now, THERE'S a solution.

Maybe we can all just blame the teen movies like Mean Girls: "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." Or, maybe it’s the advent of skank culture in America-pushed by our constant saturation and fascination with big name sluts (kind of an honorific of late), or giving into products like the ubiquitous Bratz dolls that lead to little girls dressing up as “Bar Wench”, or “Cocktail Hunny-the half-angel, half-devil”, or “Hot Flash, a nurse with thigh-high garters.” Nice. Very nice.

Here’s a clue, toads and toadettes, if you all weren’t buying it, they wouldn’t be selling it. Get out the sheet and scissors.

In the meantime, there are a number of “clergy” out there doing their own version of dress up. (And, you were wondering how the Toad would get around to them, weren't you?) Don’t bother with formation or study. Oh, my, no bunky! Just go down to the costume shop…er, the liturgical supply house…and dress up.

The Toad’s personal favorite costume includes the purple gloves for prelates that can be taken on and off during the “liturgy” at appropriate dramatic moments, with the accompaniment of a tray bearer for the gloves and the episcopal ring. The Toad has heard from at least ten people who saw the continuing church bishop too did this is and is ready to name names. After Halloween, of course. Wouldn't want to mess about with the dress up.

Are these the "men" the ones to address the problem of a rapidly growing “skank nation”? Or, are you boys just skanks yourselves with higher-priced costumes that you can wear year-round? Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

Beware, for thus spake Toad, “If you are playing dress up, take ‘em off and put ‘em away. You are part of the problem, and the Toad is coming for you.”

As for the Toad this Halloween, he’s going for the Big Daddy self-adhesive hairy chest kit for $6.99. (He’s a Toad, it’s the only way to luxuriant chest hair.)

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2007-10-26T18:00:00.000-04:00

Now that's a real cannon of the Mass!

-from Dr. Toad's entry to the Ship Of Fools caption contest.

Good Evening Toads and Toadettes,

Looking for a little militans in your ecclesia? Here it is, boys and girls. No clown liturgy, fraudulent clergy or specious seminaries in the Diocese of St. Attila (Original Province). No, siree! And we have a coffee hour that will blow you away!

More caption fun at http://www.ship-of-fools.com/

Ship of Fools: The Magazine of Christian Unrest.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT

2007-10-19T15:57:00.000-04:00

Of Clowns and Kings

"Then suddenly the Roman liturgy disappeared as we knew it."
-Richard Morris

Good afternoon, Toads and Toadettes,

In response to a comment from Rev'd Up, the Toad went trolling to bring you the absolute best of bad liturgy. These are guaranteed, uncut (well, mostly) amateur films of (well, mostly)Catholic liturgy. We have not been able to relocate the Franken-Mass, but these ought to have you buying a new monitor, pally.

First, the Toad has for your delectation an "Halloween Mass" replete with a corpulent devil distributing Holy Communion. And you all were worried about female acolytes? Take this from a little corner of the Church, boys and girls! Just so you know where to write, it took place at Corpus Christi Parish, Aliso Viejo, CA, Diocese of Orange, Bishop Tod Brown.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WadbbxPoBlk&mode=related&search=Oakland%20Diocese%20Clown%20Mass%20Catholic%20Heresy%20Halloween%20Liberal%20Homily%20Liturgical%20Abuse%20Barney%20Blessing%20Orange%20Tod%20Brown

Now, here's the same Bishop "Toddy" refusing the Sacrament to a kneeling woman until she stands up. The mariachi makes a great accompaniment. The Toad had to run for a Cuervo infusion just to get through this one. Rawk, rawk rawk.*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0yfdbxr7qM&mode=related&search=Oakland%20Diocese%20Clown%20Mass%20Catholic%20Heresy%20Halloween%20Liberal%20Homily%20Liturgical%20Abuse%20Barney%20Blessing%20Orange%20Tod%20Brown

Then there is the full on clown liturgy in the Diocese of Oakland shown in the picture above. Love the stole, padre! The explanation of the colors of the clown face as the "full embodiment of the Salvation story" is absolutely priceless. However, the invitation to vocation and the comments on celibacy by one of the clown-Mass team takes this little gem to a new depth as does the homilist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsC4wRPybpA&eurl

And finally, a little point and counterpoint, bad Masses juxtaposed against...well. just watch. Warning, there are scenes from Episcopal services in this one. The flaming-bowl-goddess-worship has, however, taken place in a Catholic seminary near the Toad's Abode. (And, no, he ain't telling you where that is, bunky! Just watch the film.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roPPBpk4vcA&mode=related&search=

Now, the Toad is going to take a hot shower, a cold drink and try to forget about clowns. They always frightened him, anyway.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

2007-10-16T23:01:00.001-04:00

On Fire for God

“Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
-Warren Hutcherson, Stand-Up Comedian

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad likes miracles—really, he does. He also believes in the phenomena of miraculous apparitions granted by God to strengthen and sustain the faithful. He’s God, pally. You know, the Big Guy. He can play ‘em as he sees ‘em.

And, you know, old Nappy B. once said, “Great men are meteors designed to burn so that the earth may be lighted.” But, just as the Toad has doubts about certain seminaries, “churches” (particularly anything called an “original” jurisdiction, denomination or province), and other ecclesiastic ephemera, the Toad just can’t get behind stuff like the Madonna of the Cheese Sandwich. As well, he has a hard time getting his arm around clergy reincarnated as a briquette, or, for that matter, reincarnation at all--unless, of course, the Toad can come back as some spoiled, rich Hollywood type who can wrap his car around a busload of nuns and merely get sent to celebrity rehab.

This is why the Toad just had to check out an e-mail from an alert reader with too much time on his hands. It seems as though the late Holy Father, JPII, complete with his right hand raised in blessing, was spotted during a ceremony in Poland to mark the second anniversary of his death. It seems as though a bonfire was lit during a service at Beskid Zywiecki, close to John Paul's birthplace at Katowice, southern Poland, on April 2 - the second anniversary of his death. (The Toad questions the liturgical use of the bonfire unless it is being used for purposes of heresy adjustment, but, hey, it isn’t any worse than the Halloween Mass conducted by a priest in a Frankenstein costume last year. We did think, though, that we are trying to cut back on flamers in the Church, though. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*)

It seems as though hundreds attended the ceremony, and one Gregorz Lukasik, the Polish gent who took the snaps, said: "It was only afterwards when I got home and looked at the pictures that I realised I had something. I showed them to my brother and sister and they, like me, were convinced the flames had formed the image of Pope John Paul II. “ Absolutely no vodka was involved in this evaluation, no sirree!

Details of the late pope flambé appeared on the Vatican News Service, a TV station in Rome which specializes in religious news broadcasts. Then, pictures were broadcast continuously on Italian TV and also posted on religious websites, some of which crashed as thousands logged on to see for themselves the eerie figure formed by the flames.

Well, boys and girls, the Toad will leave it for you to decide. Is it the late JPII making a pilgrimage from the Larger Life? Or, was it a slow news night on Vatican TV that resulted in a bonfire of the inanities? The Toad prefers not to think of the Late Holy Father as a Marvel Comics character or a novelty drink called "The Flaming Pope." You know some hotel bartender already has thought of it.

As for the Toad, the whole thing reminds him of Hank “Walden” Thoreau, who wrote, “ Write while the heat is in you. The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with. He cannot inflame the minds of his audience.”

So, now that you all are suitably inflamed, go cool off.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

2007-10-08T10:17:00.000-04:00

Gangsta Rap and the Ecclesiastic Life

I'm not a gangsta rapper. I rap about things that happen to me. I got shot five times. People was trying to kill me.
-Tupac Shakur (gangsta’ rapper, killed at age 25 in a drive by shooting)

I don't have no fear of death. My only fear is coming back reincarnated.
-Tupac Shakur

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

Out in Washington, D.C., Rep. Bobby Rush (D-Ill.) held a little hearing. Nothing unusual there: Congress holds more hearings then there are fraudulent seminaries and hokey prelates, although the latter may be more honest than many secular leaders—and better dressed. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

While the Toad usually stays away from readings of the Congressional Record, Bobby’s hearing, titled "From Imus to Industry: The Business of Stereotypes and Degrading Images," caught this amphibious one’s eye. Inspired by the furor over fired radio host Don Imus and his “ho” talk, the Bobster decided to get down with the problem of the cultural debasement by the makers of sexually depraved and racially charged rap music. The Toad doesn’t suppose a similar hearing could be held on the effects of the “pro-choice” industry on the culture, but, hey, we’ll take what we can get!

The Toad gives the congressman credit for a countercultural stand when he said this music of violence and degradation has ''reduced too many of our youngsters to automatons, those who don't recognize life, those who don't value life.'' He was unequivocal. “There is a problem -- a deep-seated, deeply rooted problem in our country,” he said. “The paycheck is not an excuse for being part of the problem.”

Well, it isn’t the cash paycheck that is the problem with the “roll your own catholic church” crowd, boys and girls. Nosiree! But it is some sort of emotional and spiritual payback that causes a pipe-fitter to play priest and a busboy to be a bishop. There must be something that makes a guy put up a website hawking a “seminary” offering “degrees” and asking the guy who woke up this morning and felt a “vocation” coming on for bucks to quench that spiritual fire. (Or, was it the refrieds you had last night while watching EWTN and complaining about modern liturgy?)

Maybe, it’s simply like the late Tupac said, “Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.” The Toad doubts it, though, but he ain’t no Continental philosopher-he’s a toad—the Toad—and the Toad knows metaphysics, the laws of supply and demand and a few other things he ponied up some good beer money to learn. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Nope. Even, for those who have some sort of theological training, there’s gotta’ be a return in declaring that their “jurisdiction” is the true church and ‘dissing the other folks. This ain’t psychology, it’s economics; it’s return on emotional capital. You want psychology, bunky? Do what the Toad does and call Dr. Phil’s radio show. (A word to the pathological, Dr. Phil only lets you call in once every couple of weeks, but Dr. Toad will let you comment your heart out. Just send me money—right now.)

But, here’s the rub for you “big” (and the Toad uses that term advisedly) “legitimate” continuing Anglicans, as well as you roll your own catholics who happen to have a bit of real training-what “authenticity” are you after? This seems to be the lynchpin for your existence, and is the basis for many florid and lengthy pronouncements, concordats and musings. The Toad is particularly fond of the lengthy exchanges by one continuing Anglican group (you know who you are) and its crafty minions questioning the authenticity of other groups. C’mon gang, this is a bit like Phillippe Dauman, the president of Viacom extolled the vile rantings of the gangsta’ piously pronouncing, “We have a responsibility to speak authentically to our viewers.” There you go, it’s all about a little authenticity.

The Toad suspects that much of this involves authority. Tupac summed it up when he said, “I think I'm a natural-born leader. I know how to bow down to authority if it's authority that I respect.” There you have it. I am a leader, but you know I just don’t respect the authority of those other guys, so I’ll get a website, a couple of fake degrees, some fancy duds and, I am my own authority. Gangsta’ church.

Well, boys and girls, “due to a growing feeling that the gangsta’ rappers have grown far too negative,” rap sales slid a whopping 21 percent from 2005 to 2006. Does that word “negative” ring a bell? There’s no negative in the gangsta’ church-just carefully worded statements providing a somewhat erudite veneer for dissin’ other Christians, followed by the old retreat and sneer. In the toad’s neighborhood, that will result in someone busting a cap in your ecclesiastic…well…in your Belgian lace surplice.

How about taking a look at those numbers among practitioners of drive-by Anglicanism, gangsta’ church or, for that matter, those who just believe “pimpin up da’ church” with e-bay frippery is the path to salvation? And what of the ecclesiastic equivalent of the gangsta’ name—you know, the “venerables” and “arches” and “doctors” that are the substitutes for “Ice-T”, “Snoop Dog”, and “Murder One”?

Well, the Toad is going to be after those numbers, and is going to post them here to bust that cap…at least in an editorial sense. And, bunky, you can make all of the internet statements about “numbers not being important” you want, but if you can hold church in your chopped Chevy, maybe you need to find another tune to sing. If gangsta’ church is a sickness, the public seems to be getting immunized, and the Toad aims to help. Why? Because, as St. Elvis said, “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away.”

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2007-09-29T14:30:00.000-04:00

SPECTATOR SHOES

Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.
-Epictetus

A man hasn't got a corner on virtue just because his shoes are shined.
-Anne Petry

The spectator shoe is also known as the "co-respondent."
-Wikipedia

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

You know, boy and girls, the Toad is all about style. After all, isn’t that what the church style aspires to? Whether it’s a fancy get up snared after heated E-bay combat, or that retro martini shaker in on the empire drinks cart in the rectory, flash says cash even when there might be no “there” there. As Tommy Carlyle once pointed out, “The first purpose of clothes... was not warmth or decency, but ornament.... Among wild people, we find tattooing and painting even prior to clothes. The first spiritual want of a barbarous man is decoration; as indeed we still see among the barbarous classes in civilized countries.” And it looks like there are barbarians enough to go around.

You know what we are talking about—some of you out there reading the Toad are even living it. Whether it’s the fake sheepskin on the wall or the sumptuous vestments clothing the wolf, there are too many hanging on the trappings of the faith, and not building it up. Clothes, particularly clerical attire and vestments, can suggest, persuade, connote, insinuate, or, indeed, lie and apply subtle pressure. The result is written in the courthouse records or in Anson’s Bishops at Large or, in the event of the more outré cases, both.

It was in the course of this clothing-based reverie, the Toad pondered his spectator shoes-you know, two-tone beauties, a bit like saddle shoes. Mine are black and white, just like truth and falsehood, or the difference between fake and real clergy. Spectators are a theological and ecclesiological paradigm in footwear.

The Toad is reliably informed that other colors of spectators are not unheard of. One John Lobb, the famous English boot maker (and suspected seminary dean), claims to have designed the first spectator as a cricket shoe in 1868. They became popular as dressy sports shoes, after the Duke of Windsor adopted them. And, hey, if the Duke of Windsor is wearing them, well they have to be right.

Mind you, bunky, the Toad ain’t giving up his sense of aesthetics particularly on clothes. After all, it is a Dickensian axiom that, “Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed.” And, the Toad, while never in good temper, is always in good spirits. In the Toad’s view, though, just like fake seminaries, the more covering one sees on one of these ecclesiastic swells, the more Toad wonders what or who or how many folks are lurking under them. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

It is the difference between a spectator and a co-respondent—a light and darkness motif in shoe leather. Now, you remember, co-respondents, don’t you boys and girls? They were those oily guys with the pencil-thin moustaches, slicked hair and natty suits who were essential to the English divorce case. After all, ‘twas a time when you needed adultery to get unhitched, and, whether photographed climbing out the window or caught in flagrante, the co-respondent was a vital player in the drama. In fact, a cottage industry arose to deal with those divorce cases in which adultery wasn’t present. Specious adulterers would be commissioned to provide the necessary condition to get the parties unhitched, sometimes appearing in several cases a week, in sporting attire right down to the co-respondent shoes.

The point is that like the Toad’s spiffy spectators, which either can glide him across the dance floor or get put where the sun don’t shine, church aesthetics can be used for good or bad. A snazzy cope can clothe the devout priest or bishop, or it can camouflage the scoundrel. Just cruise on over to the links on Anglicans Online http://anglicansonline.org/ or one of the Independent Catholic Movement http://www.ind-movement.org/ (sort of free-range “catholics”) pages and check out the finery. There’s a lot of trimming on those ecclesiastic trees. The Toad particularly likes the onion dome miter for evening wear.

Maybe it’s just the case that, when you can't do something truly useful, you tend to vent the pent up energy in something useless but available, like snappy dressing.” Perhaps fashion is like the id: it makes you desire things you shouldn't, like pretending to be a fully-formed and trained deacon, priest, bishop, archbishop, archimandrite or cut-rate pope. Or, maybe, it is just a matter of spectators gone bad, and turned into co-respondents.

The Toad may be cynical, after all he has been around the ecclesiastical block once or twice. The Toad philosophy is not as cynical as good, old Hermie “Where’s me leg?” Melville, who noted, “Stripped of the cunning artifices of the tailor, and standing forth in the garb of Eden - what a sorry set of round-shouldered, spindle-shanked, crane-necked varlets would civilized men appear!”

Nevertheless, we just have to bark about the folks who dress up like Spanish madrigals and construct internet “jurisdictions”, “communions” and “seminaries” clad with similar electronic finery, all sprinkled with the initials of hoked-up degrees and whole-cloth religious “orders”. (On this latter topic, if you are a married, 350-pounder with a day job at Wal-Mart and ESPN on the cable, you ain’t no monk, pally. so take off the faked-up Cistercian get-up already or the Toad’s gonna’ come for you!)

The co-respondents have gotten so bold as to trade on their trappings in the public arena. Just this week the toad learned of one skeezer who, in addition to having more e-Bay acquired religious accessories than Barbie® has outfits, has obtained a public office trading on a masters and doctorate obtained from a now closed diploma mill, and a purported undergraduate degree from an institution that never has offered a major in that discipline. Geez-don’t people do background checks any more? But, he looks marvelous!

If that weren’t bad enough, the Toad also received a noxious bit of e-mail reporting on an “Anglican continuing church priest” who really took it downtown. Seems that he was holding himself out as a physician and was writing scrips and giving injections. Guess he needed a “tentmaker” job to keep up on the Almy payments. Rawk, rawk, rawk!* (Left) R. Vilatte, Bishop Co-Respondent and Man About Town

Bottom line, gang, if you are wearing co-respondents, at best you are harming the faithful and putting your own soul at risk. Find a better hobby than playing church (or doctor), or at least pony up for the premium cable package to keep you off the street. Better that than getting found out, and, find you out we will, pally.

Meantime, the Toad is polishing up the spectators for a night of gin and skittles at the ballroom dance competition. At least unlike the co-respondent wearers of “independent catholic
land”, he knows that the 1940s are over and his zoot suit with the reet pleat and snap brim are fashion accessories to a fantasy.

As for you alleged clergy who are fakin’ it through, “Those who make their dress a principal part of themselves, will, in general, become of no more value than their dress.” (William Hazlitt, On the Clerical Character, 1819). Or, in the words of Sam Spade in the Maltese Falcon, “The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the pattern.”

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, TIAD**
*The sound of one Toad Barking
**Truth Is an Absolute Defense

2007-09-19T00:05:00.000-04:00

Martini-ism in America

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”
-Hunter S. Thompson

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

Once again, the Toad has been trolling the backwaters and brackish bayous of Christendom these last few days applying the fraudulizer™ to a few select institutions for your delectation. Some time ago, we had visited the Table-Top “seminary” of the Anglican Church of Virginia. However, the, shall we say, extravagant claims of this little group to membership caused us to take a closer look.

In its lengthy news page, the ACOVA boasts new “international” bishops added to its already star-studded retinue. The group included one Rt. Rev. Lic I. Canot, and the name proved too unusual to keep from looking. These groups are like bad motor accidents: you just don’t want to gaze on the unsightly carnage, but you just have to. So we hopped on over to Bp. Canot’s group, the IGLESIA ANGLICANA LATINO-AMERICANA in the Dominican Republic only to find some baby pictures of somebody’s little bishop in training and the Spanish version of the usual web façade of another tiny group. But, by heavens, the links page entitled “Cristianismo” provided the real pay dirt, the kind of outré stuff that makes it all worthwhile.

ACOVA’s newest buddies are tied in some way, perhaps through the emanations from the pleroma (that's something to look up for you theologians), to one Bishop Timothy, Spiritual Director of The Arimathea Institute, Primate of the Celtic Church USA , and Archbishop of the Apostolic Guardian Church of Grace and Blessings. Whoa, there! That’s a lot of sees to be seeing, particularly that Grace and Blessings bit.

But wait, boys and girls, there’s more. The “Timmer” is also “an ordained Interfaith Minister, Lodge Master of the Order of the Temple of the Holy City, and Steward of the International Order of Chivalric Companions.” He “serves as Hierophant of the Templum de Octo Rosae Mysticus, and serving under a charter from the Ulster Order of Druids directs Saint Bridget's Grove of the Eternal Flame.” This guy could be running the Anglican Communion! Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

But let’s not stop there, according to the website, “Rev. Timothy is a Reiki Master, a Mason 32°, a Martinist and Free Initiator in the AMO, OMCC, OM&S, and Sufi Martinist Order traditions, a Knight of the Healing and Teaching Order of St. Michael and St. Raphael, Knight of the Rosicrucian and Military Order of the Grail, and Knight of the Order des Chevaliers du Saint-Graal.” Recently, Bp. Canot’s buddy co-authored a book and tape series entitled Initiation Into the Grail Mysteries. Somebody tell Dan Brown to phone home-one of your characters has escaped.

Finally, we note that Bishop Timbo’s Old Catholic Orthodox Church ordination claims to transmit “22 lines of valid Apostolic Succession from the Master Jesus--the same Holy Orders transmitted in more traditional Catholic and Orthodox Churches.” We’d better alert some of those traditional Catholics and Orthodox-they’ll want in on the action. Yeah, right!

The bottom line here, Toads and Toadettes, is that when you are working up those news releases for the Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Church of the Cenobitic Crackpot (Original Jurisdiction), you might do a wee bit o’ the old Google on the folks you list in your “international communion”, and their friends, blood kin and occasional fellow travelers. Otherwise, you look even stranger than you already do. bunky.

As for the Toad, he doesn’t know about Martinism, other than he once had a suit with two pairs of pants Martinized at the dry cleaner in under one hour. For our part, we are staunch Martini-ists, the little onions being the only roughage we get in a week.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT

*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2007-09-09T22:07:00.000-04:00

The Happiest Little Parish Around

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

Recently, someone accused the Toad of going light on Roman Catholics while being too critical of Tanglicans (that would be Traditional Anglicans-the Toad coined it-steal it, pally, and there'll be more hot "suits" on you than on Paris Hilton's defense team). Just to prove that he's an equal opportunity offender, the Toad went swimming in the backwaters of the Roman Church.

Okay, okay-we didn't have to go very far to find just the right parish for the Toad and some of you Tanglican(tm) gin swillers. You just gotta' click on the website for St. Andrew’s Catholic Church in Channelview, Texas—it has the hippest church website music on the net. Lounge lizard meets the Sacraments. Maybe it's just Texas.

http://www.standrewcatholicchurch.com/

G'wan. Share it with your friends! You know you want to.

Look at the whole site-particularly the little display for confessions—put the pointer over it but don’t click. The script will unfold. And, best of all, they have an Alaskan cruise—7 Days of pampering, fun and faith Ship: Carnival Spirit. “CRUISE PRICE INCLUDES-CABIN, UNLIMITED AMOUNT OF FOOD-24 HOURS A DAY FOR 7 DAYS.” Forget that Holy Land pilgrimage, we are going to the seafood buffet and the floorshow. It's a heck of a lot better than tossing away the greenbacks for a fake seminary degree.

Can you say motu proprio? Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. "Crusin' Catholic" Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious)

*The Sound of One Toad Barking

2007-08-29T08:38:00.000-04:00

More Better Bishops

Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
-Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

Some years ago, a friend of the Toad’s attended the anniversary of the St. Louis declaration. As we recall, he was one of the speakers at what proved to be the ecclesiastic version of the famous bar scene from the first Star Wars film (“Yes, Susie, that is the Archbishop of the Holy Catholic Anglican Rite Church of Neptune (Original Province) playing tunes on his clarinet-shaped proboscis.”) A well-known and respected Anglican journalist ran up to this clergyman as he arrived and said, “Look at all of these bishops! I’ve covered this crowd for years, and I just don’t recognize many of them!”

Surveying the purple clad crowd which the Toad is reliably informed included one “primate” (Egad, we love that term!) dressed up as Msgr. Guido Sarducci, the clergyman sighed and said, “Wait until the early FedEx from Almy gets here-there’ll be ten more before the day is out.”

Continuing church bishops have been analogized to putting one wire coat hanger in the closet at night. You will have four-hundred of various shapes and sizes crowding the bar by morning. And titles? Pally, you just gotta’ have a title to go with your miter, door-knocker sized pectoral cross, purple beanie, purple batman cape, purple shirt, purple gloves (yes, boys and girls, at least one continuing archbishop loves those) and purple socks.

Indeed, one jurisdiction, despite the fact that it is now down to about 2,000 members and, yes, four count-em-four bishops, just had to elect an “archbishop” rather than oh, say, worry about actual Christian unity. You just had to have it, didn’t you, bunky? For those who like farcical ceremony, you can check out the photos of the event over at the Province of Christ the King website. Did the number of bishops actually outnumber the attendees? Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

This sorry pageant is replayed it seems almost daily in garages and rented chapels everywhere. At least the APCK crowd owned the church in which they crowned their latest king. More than we can say about the tweezers out there who have a “cathedral” and “seminary” operating in the spare room. (You know who you are, and the Toad will expose you. Just sing a chorus of Anticipation, in the meantime.)

But, wait, there’s more. How long have continuers been braced by “mainstream” Anglicans pointing out the fact that our fissiparous lot seems to be made up of the priesthood of all bishops? Or is that the episcopate of all believers?

Well, boys and girls, those very same “communion” Anglicans have gotten in on the purple derby. Rather than cooperate with that nasty old bunch of folks who told you so thirty years ago, you just had to get yourselves new jurisdictions. The reason might lie in having read too much J.I. Packer or Peter Toon and not wanting to have a hoe down with those bad old Anclo-catholics—you know, the ones who are dead. But, you have new oversight from far across the sea, and, guess what? You gotta’ have more bishops. Here is a sampling of the once and future bishops and their “jurisdictions”:

The Rev. Canon Bill Atwood, D. Min. (Kenya)
The Rt. Rev. Bill Cox (Southern Cone)
The Rt. Rev. Andy Fairfield (Uganda)
The Rev. John Guernsey (Uganda)
The Rev. Bill Murdoch (Kenya)
The Rt. Rev. Martyn Minns, Nigeria
Bishop Sandy Greene, (“a Missionary Bishop of the Episcopal Church of Rwanda”-but we aren’t counting him as he is in Canada, technically a country)

But it’s all just fine because you are remaining “in the Communion” and are “missionaries”. Ever seen the Falls Church? Man, that’s operating out of a grass shack in Pago Pago, isn’t it? Oh, well, they’ll have a stage until Bishop Peter “Heresy is better than Schism” Lee and his band of flying monkeys…er…lawyers…take your digs away. Somehow, I don’t think these folks will be reduced to table-top church.

All of this makes Orthodoxy seem a model of stability and, Rome, well, let’s just say “a rock” to coin a phrase. At least there are real signs of hope of late such as the recent move of one bishop and a dozen or more parishes and clergy into a much larger body. No “Anglican Celtic Orthodox Catholic Rite Church (Original Province)” there, pally. Just a little sanity. And, nobody has to ask, “Who’s your daddy...er...bishop?”

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

2007-08-28T16:25:00.000-04:00

Eatin’ Crow?

“The crow wished everything was black, the owl, that every thing was white.”
-William Blake

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

Looks like the Toad has riled a few friends of evangelical scholar and occasional pundit J.I. Packer. Seems as though some naughty little boy or girl published a specious article purportedly by the Pack-man jacking up Anglo-catholicism and pronouncing it deader than the proverbial door nail. It appears that someone was using the Packmeister’s name to “drive a wedge between evangelical and catholic Anglicans,” as if there weren’t one or two of those already.

Whoa! Dirty tricks? Dirty tricks in the church, perhaps perpetrated by prevaricating popinjays of the apostate variety? Could it have been….Satan!?! The Toad is shocked, simply shocked!

Scads of well-meaning folks took the opportunity to bash or defend the Packster, including the Toad who, of course, was on the side of the bashers and not the bashee. (What did you expect, bunky, kid gloves?) Even a well-known journalist-the one with the D.D. that is not quite as fake as the Toad’s-got into the act with a little A-C zinger that claimed to have antedated the Packer piece. Perhaps the Toad is technologically impaired, but the story seems to have disappeared off the website of the “global voice of orthodox Anglicanism.” Maybe the search feature doesn’t work after you drop liquor on the keyboard. (Gin, pally, it ain’t time for winter liquors yet.)

Toad himself got an earful (assuming he had ears-I am a toad, you know). Including a bit about how a photo of a lady with a blue shown with J.I. is not really a priestess, but only a lay reader. Trust Anglo-catholics to focus on the vestments and their color. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*
And, now, old J.I. denies that the story is his not his handiwork. No siree! We’re in conversation with Catholics (or would that be dialogue?), and we wouldn’t want some fraudster to cause trouble at the tea party. But, why was the story so darned believable?

Ahhhh, boys and girls, that’s because it sounded so very much like the Pack-man himself. "The Puritans answered those questions that perplexed me," he says. And more than that, they introduced him to the "whole range" of Christian truth, wrestling with aspects of the Christian life in a rational, yet spiritually enlivened and theologically grounded way. "From the Puritans," he says, "I acquired what I didn't have from the start—that is, a sense of the importance and primacy of truth. Which means theology." J.I. Packer: A Biography, by Alister McGrath.
Boy, the “whole range” of Christian truth. Darn those pesky Sacraments!

Again, from the McGrath book, Packer wanted to revive "authentic Anglicanism"—a heritage, he says, that had been "in eclipse" since 1944. "The shapers of Anglicanism were evangelicals—Cranmer, the Puritans, the Clapham sect, Wilberforce," he says. "I wanted to re-establish it in its own heritage." Okey, dokey, boys and girls, we can just forget about Keble, Pusey and…God forbid, Newman.

Make no mistake, the Toad doesn’t wish to rain on the Packster’s parade—all that exegesis is just dandy. But, one really has to suspect the motives of a guy who signs on to an Evangelical Mission to Catholics. That wouldn’t be to convert them from all that Romish superstition would it? Naw! He just wants to “dialogue”. Then, there was his off-the-cuff after-hours comment to Catholic theologian Richard John Neuhaus that the papacy is "a grotesque institution". Perhaps that’s why the specious article had the whiff of the real J.I.

It’s nice that he has had a critical role in Evangelicals and Catholics Together (ECT). Differing sides need to stand together in areas of agreement, in order to serve a larger purpose. But, he is about as Catholic in his theology as Zwingli.

On the women’s ordination question, Packer seems to be a bit incontinent on the issue. On the one hand, he appears to oppose women in the presbyterate, he nonetheless states that, "Since authority rests in the Word of God rather than in preachers and teachers of either sex, it is my opinion that a woman's preaching and teaching gifts may be used to the full in situations where a male minister of the Word has the effect of supplementing and supporting his own preaching and teaching." Say what?

This is sort of the ecclesiastic version of having an all-girl back up band. Call it the James Brown theory of ministry. “Yeow…I feel good!”

Finally, let’s not forget J.I.’s sometime role as an adjunct at Trinity Episcopal School for Ministry in beautiful Ambridge, Pennsylvania (although the reference seems to have gone missing these last few days. The picture from the TESM website says it all. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

So, the Toad is eating some crow. However, bunky, I’ll be washing it down with a Chateau Montrachet ’51. It’s the Anglo-catholic way. Rawwwwwk!

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

2007-08-19T07:17:00.000-04:00

Not Threadbare

"Seldom do people discern Eloquence under a threadbare cloak."

-Juvenal

J.I. "Mr. Orthodox" Packer and Priestess Pal

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

It being Sunday, and all, the Toad has a few things to take care of. However, some recent yawping about the “death of Anglo-catholicism” brushed him the wrong way, and everyone (or, at least those readers who are sentient) knows the motto of this blog, “Don’t Goad the Toad!”

First it was the aptly named J.I. Packer, a theologian of the evangelical variety who spun out a little piece entitled, Anglicanism: Protestant or Catholic. You can find it by looking up the title, but, sufficed to say the august Packer spills much ink re-hashing the same tired arguments of 100 or more years ago-the sort of grating anti-Catholic bigotry dressed up in fancy language that makes The Secret History of the Oxford Movement look like an encomium. He concludes with the statement:

Anglo–Catholicism, once embraced as a remedy against rationalism and humanism, has proved inadequate to the job. Historically foreign to the true tradition of English and American churchmanship, it has become exactly what it initially sought to combat: it is liberal, lawless, and radical in the extreme.

Really? Dr. Toad thought that was the province of those places where the “true tradition of English and American churchmanship” of the Protestant flavor has yielded such freakish products as Robinson, Schori, and Williams. Not much of the Anglo-catholic in those jokers, bunky. It was the pure-D "mainstream" Protestant side of the house that gave us that freakshow, whilst Mr. Orthodox and the gang passed resolutions, drew lines in the sand, and generally gave a hearty ecclesiastic middle finger to all those "continuing church" Anglo-catholics. Oh, yeah, J.I., that would be the same A-Cs who had the guts to walk away from their buildings and comfy positions to maintain actual orthodoxy. Glad to see you catching up after thirty years, old shoe. (Oh, yeah, who is that priestess in the blue stole? Friend of yours?)

If it weren't enough to engage in the same tired rant that A-Cs have listened to since the days of Pusey, the Pack-man also had to try to hit below the appropriate regions:

Today we can even find Anglican churches in which the interior differs in no way from that of a Roman Catholic church. Anglican churches in which The Lord's Supper is again considered the sacrifice of the Mass; in which the priest wears Catholic vestments; and in which nearly all the Roman Catholic devotions such as benediction of the Blessed Sacrament, recitation of the rosary, and veneration of Mary and the saints have been introduced. However, by far the majority of Anglicans find this all as strange as does a Dutch Protestant.

Whoa, nelly! Vestments, you say? Catholic vestments. you say? Well, the Toad ain’t no Dutch Protestant and doesn’t want to be. I mean the threads they wear tell all, and perhaps they say a little something about old J.I. who is seen above in drab Protestant regalia with one of his priestess buddies. Whose orthodox now, pally? Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

We here at the Barking Toad won't take this, or the accompanying Catholic bash by an ever-original writer claiming the moniker “The Voice of Global Orthodox Anglicanism” (the one with the DD that is as fake as the Toad’s that he can’t stop using). No siree! We dialed up our friends at C.M. Almy and got us a little in-your-face regalia-the kind that really sets off the likes of old J.I. Packer and the dreary boys and girls who seem to feel so awfully threatened by the por old A-Cs.

To all of this the Rev. Dr. Roy "Barking" Toad says, "Take that Tippet Boy!" Your cassock and surplice are no match for the sartorial splendor of an Anglo-Catholic in his "Romish" vestments. Check out the orphreys on this number! And this is my Low Mass set, pally. (Oops, used the word "Mass"-papist alert!)

The Rev. Dr. Roy Toad, Late Vicar
St. Swithun's, Little Hopping
Mole Valley, Dorking, Surrey, U.K.
Current Annual Fund Chairman, DDOS
(Dorking Dramatic & Operatic Society)

Just remember, boys and girls, here at the Barking Toad it’s “Fop ‘till you drop!”

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD (an absolutely fake degree and proud of it!), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

2007-08-17T07:11:00.000-04:00

Everybody’s Getting Into the Act

“A school without grades must have been concocted by someone who was drunk on non-alcoholic wine.”
-Karl Kraus (Austrian Writer)

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

When the Toad started an innocent little skewering of questionable seminaries, little did he know what would await him in the brackish pools of “continuing” Anglicanism alone. Just as there are grains of sand on the beach, so too are there “jurisdictions” of traditional Anglicans. And, with almost each of these jurisdictions—you guessed it, boys and girls, there is a “seminary”. Today we tee up on a couple of these entities and, once again, offer the opportunity to comment in defense or condemnation. Of course, the seriously odd, vicious or loony epistles will be read and savored…by the Toad. (Otherwise, this stuff won’t see the light of day, pally.)

First up, there is St. Aelred's School of Theology of the Catholic Anglican Church. This little gem bills itself as an “online school of theology offer[ing] solid theological education and preparation for ordained and lay ministry leading to the degrees of a Master of Divinity (M.Div.) and/or a Master of Arts in Theology (M.A.Theology).” Under the direction of its chancellor “Bishop +Barry”, this school lists no accreditation of its “degrees”, no faculty, and no street address—just an e-mail and telephone to “Bishop +Barry”. Tuition, however, is a modest $20 per credit hour, with “a one-time Registration Fee of $30 to cover the adminstrative [sic] and material costs of registration and grading documentation.” Perhaps that fee will also cover a new spell-checker. Such a deal!

Next is the Saint Andrew's Institute of Theology “a seminary whose primary focus is to prepare and train men for Holy Orders in the American Anglican Church.” Translation: outside this particular group your “degree” will get you into the graduate program at McDonald’s Hamburger University (“Ol’ Flip”). Here’s a familiar theme, none of the “professors” are named, there are no listed accrediting bodies, and you have to contact the “dean” even to get an idea of the curriculum. While you are on the line, they may have some attractive timeshares if you don’t buy into the academics. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

How about it, boys and girls, anybody know anything at all about these hollowed (and the spelling is intentional, bunky!) institutions?

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

2007-08-13T15:46:00.000-04:00

COMIC BOOK HERO

Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad has one more bit before returning to poolside for some serious basking. Ever wonder about the religious preference of your favorite comic book hero? Now all shall be revealed, bunkie.

Over at http://www.comicbookreligion.com/, you can find out the religion or faith communities of your favorite fictional super hero. Here you will find most of your faves and what they do on Sunday, or Saturday, or, whenever they worship who or whatever.

Sadly,some religious groups have no superhero to represent them. As the site notes, "Few things in life are sadder than having no super-heroes to represent your faith or primary-identity sub-cultures. Think of the Seventh-Day Adventist child who sees that her friends - Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Presbyterians, Hindus, etc. - all have super-heroes that belong to their faiths, but she has none. Sure, she can look to Christian and Protestant superheroes whose precise denominational affiliation is unknown, but she knows in her heart that Spider-Man doesn't attend church on Saturdays, and neither does Aunt May. She really wants the same thing we all want: a super-hero from her background."

So, the good folks at http://www.comicbookreligion.com/ have a program so that your own super hero in your faith community. Hey, if the Episcopalians can have Invisible Woman (yeah, right!) and the Human Torch (sorry, we don't do flame-related humour on the Toad), why can't you have a comic book hero in your congregation, prayer group, coven or "primary-identity sub-culture"?

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

"A Super Hero Since 1977"

2007-08-13T15:02:00.001-04:00

There's No There There (Really and Truly)

"You just hit 'em where they ain't!"
-- Wee Willie Keeler, one of baseball's earliest Hall of Famers, describing his success strategy

Good afternoon, Toads and Toadettes,

I just couldn't help myself. I swore that an afternoon of dedicated novel reading and gin swilling would keep the Toad out by the cement pond and away from the soft, warm glow of the computer. The incessant rustle of vestment cuffs brishing against the wallets of the faithful has brought me in to discover...a continuing church that is all website. And, even the website itself is unfinished.

While trying to locate one of the "churches" claimed as within something called the ACIC (Anglican Church Independent Communion), some of the boys in the research department disturbed my electronic reverie with non-stop barking. They found a little number called The Apostolic Anglican Church which proclaims it is "In Full Communion with The Apostolic Communion of Anglican Churches" or ACAC. This latter body which we couldn't locate, is distinct from the Orthodox Anglican Communion (R) which bills itself as "Really Traditional. Truly Anglican." (Their italics, not ours, pally.)

Well, we finally found a "jurisdiction" that is truly (gosh, we love that word) all miter and no bishop. Archbishop David L. Smith, Jr. sports an Office of The Metropolitan Archbishop and Primate located at...P.O. Box 93314, Cleveland, OH 44101. We checked the links on the website. Under "Ministries", there was, "Page Under Construction--Please Return Soon!" Likewise, a look at "Event Photos" yielded, you guessed it, "Page Under Construction--Please Return Soon!" And, for "News", the ubiquitous "Page Under Construction--Please Return Soon!"

Lest you think there was absolutely nothing on the site of The Apostolic Anglican Church, there were several likns...to other people's websites. Oh, yes, there is a "Donation" page that seems to be up and running. Just think, no overhead and messiness of an actual church, just a website perenially "under construction." No sermons to write, all that is necessary is a broken link to sermonaudio.com where you can go to hear someone else's sermon. Just get the marks...er...congregation to click on the "Donation" button and you are on your way to "helping yourself".

So, the new Dr. Roy A. Toad Award for Minimalist Continuing Anglican Churches goes to the Apostolic Anglican Church and its post box primate. Really and Truly.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT
(NOT a bishop)

2007-08-13T11:19:00.000-04:00

Left Way Behind

"I knew before everybody disappeared," she said, pitifully. "And then I knew for sure. With every plague and judgment, I shook my fist in God's face. He tried to reach me, but I had my own life. I wasn't going to be subservient to anybody."
-Armageddon by best-selling authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

"I wasn't going to be subservient to anybody." Well, now, doesn't that quote tell a story on its own?

Frequently, hopping through the backwaters of the web looking for grist for some new bit of adoxography lead the Toad to some items even more dubious than membership figures amongst continuing Anglican "jurisdictions" where no one is "subservient to anybody" and life is good in the land of the episcopate of all believers.

The Toad loves the grandiloquent websites, the apostolic lineage charts resembling the wiring diagram of an F-18, and the outrageous membership numbers. Why, the numbers claimed in India alone boggle the mind! One of the Toad's personal favorites is the preposterous assertion that "traditional bishops" of something called the ACIC ("Anglican Church Independent Communion") and ACOVA (Anglican Church of Virginia) "have united over 600,000 Anglicans having more than 900 parishes and missions." Pretty nifty shooting for a group founded in 2001 that has (insofar as our crack research team can identify), perhaps half dozen clergy and nine "parishes", four of which are run by the same guy, and one of which is the primate's house.

Of course, this microscopic group claims that, "Virginia is the new 'seat of communion' for Anglicans." That's probably news to, oh, the tens of millions of other Anglicans we are sure will be on pilgrimage to the Commonwealth once they get the word about that new "seat". Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

We'll be be getting back to the likes of ACIC, ACOVA and ACID. The toad isn't kidding, boys and girls-this last one is billed as an umbrella group on the ACIC site. And we thought it was just the the recreational origin of some of the claims the Toad finds on websites like this!

The Barking Toad be paying them a virtual visit, because they too have a "seminary"-the "Anglican Seminary of VA"-identified by an alert reader as literally consisting of a table and plastic lawn chairs in what looks to be the "dean's" sun porch or dinette. Wow! There's even a photo! At least there is some truth in advertising. Oh, yes, the fact that the dean's "Doctorate in Ministry" is from good old St. Georgie's which is legally proscribed from offering degrees makes this just too attractive.

It's always best to remember: don't tempt the Toad!

But, we are not just about putting the smackdown on fringers, frauds and collection plate artistes. No indeedy! The Toad has his serious side too. After 72 straight hours of reading the Left Behind novels about the "Tribulation" fueled by entirely too much gin, Dr. Toad found himself pondering the big questions:

Are we living in the last days?
What does the future hold?
How will the future affect my world?

Fortunately for the Toad, one site had the answers! Courtesy of the good people at Ship of Fools (The Magazine of Christian Unrest), I found http://www.nonraptured.com/ Good gracious, boys and girls, the site description says it all:

"If you're like the authors of this site, you know that when Jesus returns and takes the saints with him during The Rapture, it's not likely you'll be among them. So where's that leave you? Well for starters, trying to get by back on earth during seven years of tribulation and the reign of the Anti-Christ. In the coming days, this site will be your guide to surviving and even thriving during this time of turmoil. You will get tips on everything from what stocks will boom while commerce is controlled by the anti-Christ to how to minimize inheritance tax on gifts left by raptured relatives."

Well, well, well. Turning a little cash out of the end times seems as likely as getting a legitimate degree from some of the institutions at which we are barking. The Toad took a look at the investment section of Non-Raptured which gives some valuable tips for September 13, 2007 (mark that date) when "unbelievers on Earth given their just rewards." http://www.nonraptured.com/invest.htm

The authors point out that, "Of course for many investors, [this] does not bode well. Use early 2007 to transfer your holdings into CDs and bonds and out of flexibly priced securities to minimize the impact of this 'just rewards' stuff on your portfolio. Bear in mind that everyone else on earth will be receiving their just rewards too. Have cash and gold on hand for buying opportunities and let your most sinful friends know you're willing to give cash value for their assets in a pinch. Don't focus on what the 'just rewards' are doing to your net value, focus on that neighbor who's been kissing up to the anti-Christ. On September 14, you could be driving his Mercedes."

Now there's news you can use. It sure is better than a cardboard collar, boxtop biretta and plastic pectoral cross you got for attending the E-piscopal Seminary of the Internet and Home Locksmithing Course!

If you must, though, you can sign up for "Prophecy Club", a division of the Left Behind operation that consists of "a website and newsletter to help you understand how current events may actually relate to End Times prophecy. Each week you will get Interpreting the Signs, an online newsletter featuring Tim LaHaye, Jerry Jenkins, Mark Hitchcock and other End Times scholars" that seems a sort of Kiplinger Investor's letter for the Apocalypse.

The Toad guesses somebody was cutting classes at seminary the day they taught that bit about "But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father." Or, "It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power." (That would be Mark 13:32 and Acts 1:7, respectively for St. George's alums!) Oh, well, a book sold is a royalty banked.

Now it's time for the Toad to chill down the Bombay Sapphire and get out Charles Williams' All Hallow's Eve. I'll take my eschatological images in their leanest, purest form--shaken, not stirred. And I won't have to buy the newsletter.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

2007-08-10T12:29:00.000-04:00

Upping the Ante

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust hey
Hey I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust
-Queen

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

As the simple yet repetitive lyrics by Queen note, another one has, indeed, bitten the dust. While continuing with our “Hall of Shame” for spurious seminaries, a bit of correspondence relating to St. George’s School of Theology in Texas surfaced. The alert reader who forwarded the material noted that “degrees” from this “institution” are used as resume fodder by several alleged Anglican bishops and Archbishops, as well as “professors” on the rosters of other questionable. Whoa! Bunko alert! Bunko alert! Clergy with false credentials? Dr. Toad, say it isn't so!

So, here's the upping of the ante. We’ll be checking those names and invite all of you alert readers who might know a fraudster to send in an anonymous tip to info@planetanglican.com If you are listing a "degree" from St. Georgie or a similar joint in your educational credentials, pally, it’s going to be a rough ride. Because, boys and girls, the Toad plans to publish the identities of all claiming degrees from the institutions identified as less-than-legit. Why? Just so that you know we care! You can then 'splain it to the faithful why that Doctorate in Medieval Metaphysics might not actually exist. (That's a little ontological humor, gang.) Bet you won't be getting another educational sabbatical, bunkie!

But, today, the Toad doesn’t have to write it all out for you. He’ll let Mr. David Linkletter, Program Specialist at the Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board tell you the tale of good old St. George’s in song and story (well, e-mail, at any rate) with a little boldface to highlight the savory bits. We are sure that St. George would be proud. Rawk, rawk, Rawk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

From: Linkletter, David
To:
Date: 10/7/2004 3:20:14 PM
Subject: St. George's School of Theology

Dear Mr. [Alert Reader]:

Yesterday in our telephone conversation, you asked about the legal status of St. George’s School of Theology. That institution may legally operate as a teaching institution preparing individuals for religious vocations; such activities are not regulated in Texas.
However, the institution may not offer or grant degrees or credits alleged to be applicable to degrees. It may not use protected academic terms to describe itself, such as “college,” “university,” or “seminary.”
The Texas Education Code (Chapter 61, Subchapter G) prohibits such activities
unless the institution has a certificate of authority from the Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board or is accredited by an accrediting association recognized by the Coordinating Board. St. George’s School of Theology does not have a certificate of authority, and never has applied for a certificate of authority, and is not accredited by a recognized accrediting association.
It has come to our attention that the institution is claiming that it can award degrees and that it has authority to do so through Woolsey Hall, Oxford, England. Both of those
statements are false. Even if there were some relationship between St. George’s and Woolsey Hall, Woolsey Hall does not have authority to offer degrees in Texas.
If you have evidence that St. George’s School of Theology is or has granted degrees, I would be pleased to receive it. We can only address violations of the law with the appropriate evidence of a violation.

Cordially,

David Linkletter
Program Specialist
Private and Out-of-State College Certification
Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board
Box 12788
Austin, Texas 78711

2007-08-07T14:46:00.000-04:00

"You know, Dr. Toad, I think Almy got our order wrong!"

"Never mind that now, Eddie, the game's afoot!"

-Flt. Lt. Roy "Doctor" Toad and Ens. Fr. Eddie "Fastball" Fassbinder in Sinkers (2007)

The Hits Just Keep on Coming

Toads and Toadettes,

When the doctor started a little exposition on seminaries, he never expected that there would be so much fodder for the old canon. Thank all of you for your help on this, particularly an unnamed padre who advised this morning that one institution we hadn't yet named apparently disappeared in a puff of proverbial smoke following the beginning of this series. As soon as we have them printed, we'll be sending you all a Barking Toad t-shirt. Yeah, right, for $16.95+s&h! If Bill O'Reilly can do it, so can we. Rawk, rawk rawk!

The latest duck in the barrel is

St. Alcuin House Academy
1383 130th Avenue NE
Blaine, Minnesota 55434
http://www.stalcuinhouse.org/id1.html

St. A's holds accreditation with...drum roll, please...the Oxford Educational Network/Wolsey Hall as a distance learning Christian academy. In the words of John Cleese, "There's a giveaway!"

We took a hop over the website sent by the alert reader (the t-shirt will look great on you...$16.95, pally). St. A's offers "course work through distance learning, and in residence at varied locations. We work in close association with ACTS International College which provides quality classroom Christian education. " (looks like a bit of interlocking management with ACTS) They don't specify those residential "locations", but their website more than implies relationshps with Nashotah House (an Episcopal church seminary) and Oxford University. Of course, "[f]or student-scholars studying at the University of Oxford, Nashotah House, or other institutions, there are additional fees and travel expenses paid by the student directly to these institutions." You bet! That would be tuition, fees and other "extras" because these real institutions for some reason don't have a financial arrangement with St. A's.

Most of the "academic programs" appear to be based on the resale of audio materials from The Teaching Company, a legitimate purveyor of taped university lectures. Looks like one might wish to eliminate the middle man and buy direct--it will leave you more money for that Barking Toad t-shirt.

If anyone has something to say about this or any other of these fine named institutions, please send a message via info@planetanglican.com You'll be glad you did.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT
(Only kidding about the t-shirts...sort of...)

2007-08-07T14:36:00.000-04:00

“Sighted Seminary, Sank Same”

Lt. Cmdr. Lance Rogers, MD, Flight Surgeon: [Sarcastically] What's your school? The diploma mill of Hoosier State?
Lt. Douglas S. 'Doug' Lee, MD: No, Harvard, Hopkins, Cambridge. I can read and write.

-Ralph Bellamy and Errol Flynn, Dive Bomber (1941)

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

Here is the first round in the Dr. Toad’s Seminary Survey! An alert leader has written us concerning both the Evangelical Episcopal Theological Seminary (no location listed)
and its “accrediting” body the Oxford Educational Network

You can find the seminary here http://www.theceec.org/seminary.htm and the Oxford Educational Network here (http://www.oxfordeducationalnetwork.org/members.htm)

Or, at least you could last night.

Our correspondent writes that “EETS” (what an acronym!) “exists only in the mind of The Most Rev. Dr. Russ McClanahan, president of the school.” Abp. McClanahan apparently serves as archbishop for the “extra-territorial” Province of St. Peter of the Communion of Evangelical Episcopal Churches (CEEC). We are told that this particular prelate also was the most recent presiding bishop of the CEEC until he resigned and the entire “International College of Archbishops” took over the presiding bishop role. Archbishop McClanahan previously held his see in Memphis, Tennessee, but moved to Florida last year.

The seminary, which appears to be peripatetic, traveled with its president. It is currently is listed as being located at 2807 Trebark Drive, Tallahassee, FL, which corresponds to the Intelius® white pages listing for the archbishop’s personal address and is likely his home home.

The writer goes on to advise that “EETS has no known faculty other than the archbishop.” It claims to be “accredited” by an outfit called the Oxford Educational Network, an organization which no one who hasn’t paid $2,500 for “accreditation” has ever heard of.

Let’s stop for a moment, boys and girls, and have bit of a peek under the kilt of the OEN. A cursory look shows that the Oxford Educational Network does not appear to be an authentic accrediting body. Pony up that $2500 and you're a member. Pay $1000 per annum and you can stay a member. (Presumably this is a modest investment to put the veneer of respectability on that table-top seminary. The web page gives a long and nifty history of Cardinal Wolsey, Wolsey House and Oxford University, but we can’t find any whiff of an actual connection either to the late Cardinal or the institutions. They give an impressive list of the real Oxford's University colleges, but then they note that "in their entirety, these Colleges are not members of Oxford Educational Network." Whoah, there! Fraud alert! Fraud alert!

Curiously, there is no information on the site as to where Oxford Educational Network has headquarters or offices. That makes it easier to keep unwanted visitors like process servers and members of the constabulary from disturbing all of that accreditation going on during the work day.

Like most other diploma mills, EETS seems to be heavy on tuition payments, light on academic requirements and has a soupcon of bogus accreditation tossed in to improve the bouquet. Bottom line: this is an institution that trips virtually all of the triggers in Dr. Toad’s Fake Seminary Fraudulizer.™

Anyone wanting to rise to the defense is welcome to post a comment. Or, if you just want to pile on, you can have at it as well. Just remember, threats, obscenities, rants and excited utterances all will be read—not necessarily posted, mind you, but carefully read and savored. The Toad doesn’t have much in the way of hobbies.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

2007-08-06T12:47:00.001-04:00

Image of the Day

While traveling the brackish waters of the internet doing research, (okay, while checking the online sports book), Dr. Toad came across this gem connected with the first International Church of the Web.

I particularly like the armorial shield. Are they sure they are not another continuing church?

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT*

*helping himself since 1982

2007-08-06T11:46:00.000-04:00

Down By the Old (Diploma) Mill Stream

Diploma Mill-"An institution of higher education operating without supervision of a state or professional agency and granting diplomas which are either fraudulent or, because of the lack of proper standards, worthless."
-Webster’s Third New International Dictionary

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

We’ve gotten our first response blowing the whistle on one of the seminaries identified in our earlier post. The correspondent has hit the Evangelical Episcopal Theological Seminary (no location listed) with a full volley just below the waterline. Before we have a look at that report in a subsequent post, I think we should say a bit more about the problem of diploma mills and offer some further clarification.

Some Parameters

A diploma mill (also known as a degree mill) is an organization that awards academic degrees and diplomas with substandard or no academic study, and without recognition by official accrediting bodies. These degrees are often awarded based on “life experience”, which, translated means “I got my degree by breathing”.

Such organizations are unaccredited, but they often claim accreditation by non-recognized/unapproved organizations set up for the purposes of providing a veneer of authenticity. These accreditation mills based in the United States or elsewhere (oh, say, in Italy maybe) may model Web sites after real accrediting agencies overseen by the Council for Higher Education Accreditation (CHEA). Some of these fraudsters may even advertise services for transcript notation and diploma verification in order to seem more legitimate. According to a number of sources, another typical ploy is for mills to claim to be internationally recognized by organizations such as UNESCO. Ooops-UNESCO and does possess the mandate to accredit or recognize institutions of higher education or their programs and diplomas. This is why we are barking about these organizations too, boys and girls!

“He’s Got a Little List. He’s Got a Little List.”

The United States Department of Education lacks direct authority to regulate schools and, consequently, the quality of an institution's degree. Under the terms of the Higher Education Act of 1965, as amended, the U.S. Secretary of Education is required by law to publish a list of nationally recognized accrediting agencies that the Secretary determines to be reliable authorities on the quality of education or training provided by the institutions of higher education that they accredit. http://www.ope.ed.gov/accreditation/
Also, there is something called the Transnational Association of Christian Colleges and Schools. TRACS is recognized by both the United States Department of Education, and the Council for Higher Education Accreditation, as a national accrediting body for Christian institutions, colleges, universities, and seminaries. http://www.tracs.org/
So, the Toad’s got a little list, he’s got a little list…

What’s in a Name?

Here’s another giveaway. Diploma mills are frequently named to sound confusingly similar to those of prestigious, accredited academic institutions. As diploma mills are typically also "licensed" to do business. It is common practice within the industry to misuse a simple business license to imply government approval.

Now, here’s the real problem, compared to legitimate institutions, diploma mills tend to have, shall we say, drastically reduced or practically non-existent requirements for academic coursework. Some even allow their students to purchase credentials rather than earn them. Of course, students may be required to purchase textbooks, take tests, and submit homework, but the degrees are nonetheless conferred after little or no real study.

Is all of this sounding familiar, yet?

You Know You Might Be a Fraud If…

Thanks to the excellent website of the Council for Higher Education Accreditation http://www.chea.org/default.asp , let’s say (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy) that you know that you might be getting a fake degree if:

--Degrees can be purchased. (Seminarian to priest in five easy payments)
--There is a claim of accreditation when there is no evidence of this status.
--There is a claim of accreditation from a questionable accrediting organization. (The Greater Buffonistanian Independent Colleges association might be sketchy)
--The operation lacks state or federal licensure or authority to operate.
--There is little if any attendance required of students, either online or in class. (Our school motto: “You never have to show up”.)
--Few assignments required for students to earn credits.
--There is a very short period of time required to earn a degree. (“Our one-week M.Div. program allows for post office delays with your check.”)
--Degrees are available based solely on experience or resume review. (“Allegator wrestler? Sure, you can have a D.Min. in pastoral care!”)
--There are few requirements for graduation. (Did we mention our one-week M.Div. program?)
--The operation fails to provide any information about a campus or business location or address and rely, e.g., only on a post office box? (“We reduce our costs to you by not maintaining an expensive infrastructure-other than our villa in Portugal.”
--The operation fails to provide a list of its faculty and their qualifications. (“All of our staff at St. Swithun’s are graduates of…St. Swithun’s.”)
--The operation has a name similar to other well-known colleges and universities. (Just how many St. Andrew’s Seminaries are there?)
--The operation makes claims in its publications for which there is no evidence. (Good grief! That’s every undergraduate catalogue in the country! Rawk, rawk rawk!*)

The Toad knows that one of the most troubling aspects of a recent Federal investigation revealed that foreigners who purchased such bogus online degrees could then be eligible for "H1-B" (educational) visas—or, for that matter, “R-1” (religious worker) visas, using their alleged educational backgrounds as reasons for legitimate entry into the United States.

The Toad was particular struck by one example, when an undercover Secret Service agent using the name "Mohammed Syed" applied for a college degree from James Monroe University. Seems as though the applicant, court documents say, filled out an online application, claiming he had obtained "multiple hours of training in chemistry and engineering" as a member of the Syrian Army. Whoohoo! And we don’t know of any similar instances of the old frode immigrazione involving continuing Anglican churches or “seminaries” do we?

"Christ-centered, Biblically based, Affordable"

Yep, that’s the actual motto of the Newburgh Theological Seminary and College of the Bible of Newburg, Indiana which seems to have facilities at the local Executive Inn and which offers a full menu of degrees from a Bachelor of Theology ($1595.00), to a Doctor of Theology (Th.D)(a mere $2,195.00). For the doctorate, you have to read at least six books and write a “dissertation” of 50-100 pages which they will review…thoroughly…really…after the check clears.

The Toad’s absolute favorite so far is the Google link to “Degree Mill” which leads you to “Rochelle University”. These guys are right up front- “No Studies. No Attendance. No Waiting. No Examinations. No Hefty Fee.” I mean, heck, the “Degree Package Special” gets you a Bachelors, Masters and Doctorate for a low, low, $1,038.00! That’s even less than some of the seminaries the Toad identified in the initial post. At least old Rochelle U. isn’t vending theology degrees…yet.

Or, avoid the whole messy registration and payment problem and go to the “Magic Mill”. http://www.pixdox.com/magicmill/creagodip001.html Just enter your name, pick your poison, decide when you graduated and VOILA! You'll be all set to print your diploma and hit the big time! It’s as legit as some of the “seminaries” out there, and prints a snazzier certificate.

Testing the Waters

Essentially, there are two categories of folks out there: the unwary and the unscrupulous. For the former, if you really are that clueless, perhaps it might be that you need a bit more discernment before pursuing a vocation. As to the latter, and you all know who you are, there just isn't anything we can do for you other than to hope that you are taking one of those little pop-up thermometers when you go.

So today, Toads and Toadettes, we’ve given you a set of criteria and resources to apply the fraudulizer to some of these august academic institutions lurking in the backwaters of the internet for those in the unwary category.

If you want to contrast the real with the specious, have a look at the Catholic Distance University. http://www.cdu.edu/index.asp (And, no, the Toad isn’t working on commission.) It is a respected resource, in operation for more than 20 years, which posts its accreditation from legitimate secular bodies, as well as the Catholic Church, right up front.

http://www.cdu.edu/accreditations.asp You may also want to take a look at the faculty and check out their credentials. http://www.cdu.edu/faculty_staff.asp You won’t find a St. Swithun’s Theological College and Paralegal Academy grad among them.

You also won’t be getting anything on the cheap: tuition for continuing education courses are $135 a course; undergraduate courses cost $227 a credit hour; and graduate courses are $369 a credit hour. That’ll really cut into the vestment budget.

Oh, yeah, you have to actually do the course work. What spoil sports? How will one ever find the time to get one’s “pro-cathedral” built with all of that darned studying?
At least one can’t claim you are committing fraud on the Body of Christ with a spurious educational credential. Oh, sorry, I forgot. “The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat:...all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments, And love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues, And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi.” Matthew 23:2-7.

Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

2007-08-04T16:51:00.000-04:00

TAC/APCK Bishops on Pligrimage-2004

Toad on the Road

Good afternoon Toads and Toadettes,

The doctor will be out for about 24 hours as we are on the road to visit a parish somewhere in the United States. (C’mon, you didn’t think we make it that easy to see where we were, did you?)
An alert reader forwards the attached photograph from Fond du Lac, WI in the fall of 2004 as folks prepared to step off in the religious procession. For those who who need a scorecard for the players, shown, among others are Abp. Hepworth of the TAC and Abp. Morse of the APCK, along with three of the APCK bishops (+Florenza, +Wiygul and +Morrison) and some other folks.
Like Waldo, one has to ask, “Where’s the ACC crowd who had been there?” Guess their flights had to leave early.
We’ll be back Monday! And remember:
“If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.”-Dave Barry

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

2007-08-03T11:04:00.000-04:00

Fakin' It

The Barking Toad's campaign to uncover spurious seminaries and specious degrees proceeds apace. Several alert readers have sent in some names, but you haven't given sufficient information to distinguish the Potemkin institutions from authentic entities of the on-line or residential variety.

Dr. Toad does hate having to do his own research, so stand and deliver. If you want a post on your favorite suspected diploma mill, you have to give our crack team something more than the customary Angrican rant. In particular, we'd like to know physical addresses (if any), accreditation, faculty, and years in operation.

In the meantime, those of you who might have information on the following entities identified in your e-mails are welcome to send it along to info@planetanglican.com

Evangelical Episcopal Theological Seminary (no location listed)

The Saint Andrew's Institute of Theology, Scarborough, New York

Holy Trinity College and Seminary, New Port Richey, Florida

Laud Hall Seminary, York, Pennsylvania

Saint George's School of Theology, San Antonio, Texas

The Atlantic Orthodox and Anglican Seminary, Lothian, Maryland

St. Andrew's Theological College and Seminary, Lexington, North Carolina

Anglican Seminary of Virginia, Front Royal, Virginia

St. Elias School of Orthodox Theology, Seward, Nebraska

Confederazione Nazionale delle Università Popolari Italiane (a purported accrediting body)

Now, before you go carrying on or making threats, the fact that your alma mater is on the list above doesn't mean you are sporting a bit of spurious sheepskin. It just means that someone had a question. If you want to tell us about your seminary, the Toad would certainly like to hear it. What the hey...he might even buckle down and actually get a real degree for a change!

Be forewarned, you will be asked just how long you attended seminary and, if you are sporting a doctorate of any variety, the subject and length of your dissertation, and the location of the library where one might have a peek at it.

Just remember, Toads and Toadettes, you wouldn't want your doctor to have a fake degree--your lawyer, maybe, but not your doctor. Would you want the care and cure of your soul in the hands of someone who lacks education, formation and the basic moral foundation that might just make a questionable educational background a wee bit repellant to them?

Grist for the mill as you iron your Sunday best.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT*

*One of these degrees is wholly specious, the other is an advertising slogan.

2007-08-03T10:56:00.000-04:00

Not-So-Strange Bedfellows

“Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.”
-William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

Today we ask the question of some “orthodox” Anglican groups whether there is no position that isn’t “negotiable” in the service of legitimization. You see, VirtueOnline reports that the “Network”, an amalgam of purportedly “orthodox” Anglicans had a little hoe-down this week St. Vincent's Cathedral in Bedford, a suburb of Fort Worth, Texas. We are reasonably certain that St. Vincent of Lerins would have been firing up the brazier and getting out the tongs over the doings there.

You see, the delegates apparently voted to ratify something called the Federation Articles of the Common Cause Partnership (CCP) (as if Anglicanism needed more acronyms right now). The CCP is a coalition of ten Episcopal and Anglican groups in the U.S. and Canada including the American Anglican Council (AAC); the Anglican Communion Network (ACN); the Anglican Mission in the Americas (AMiA); the Anglican Network in Canada (ANiC); The Anglican Coalition in Canada (ACiC), the Anglican Province of America (APA); the Convocation of Anglicans in North America (CANA); the Anglican Essentials Federation (AEF); Forward in Faith, North America (FIF/NA); and the Reformed Episcopal Church (REC). Enough letters for you?

But, here’s the rub, boys and girls. In masterful Episcobabble, mid-Atlantic Network Dean and Bishop-elect John Guernsey (aren’t they all bishops-elect of late) said, this is a "a step forward for Common Cause that allows the constituent partners to retain their [current]identity and autonomy while forming a more coherent and accountable structure. None of the groups disappear and none of the groups stop their gospel mission... Yet we are forming a more coherent whole." Say what?

How is there “coherence” in a body committed to “making space” for different opinions about something as basic as women in "Holy Orders"? Sounds pretty darned Episcopalian to the Toad. But, wait, there's more.

How about, “Delegates of the ACN declined to remove the clause from its Charter which declares that the Network ‘shall operate in good faith within the Constitution of the Episcopal Church’”? Yowza! You REC and APA folks tracking on that, or, are you too busy trying to get yourselves back in the club? Be sure that you are operating within that Constitution-the one that undergirds the canons that prop up the regime that supports the heretics in the House of the Squid Woman. (You know, that would be the same sect that many of your people fought to get out of.)

The Toad is particularly taken by the notion that these groups can, “Propagate the truths of the Gospel as articulated and practiced in the historic Anglican way and speak with one voice and act in concert for the welfare and witness of all its Partners”, when they can’t even pin down that pesky ordination thing. It’s all a just a question of “making space”. Let's see how the spinmeisters at the REC/APA deal with this-they'll surely have to convene a meeting at the Waffle House.

Theological incontinence has risen to a new level. Rawk, rawk rawk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

*The sound of one Toad barking.

2007-08-01T17:45:00.000-04:00

Religion in the Public Arena and Failed Apologetics

"To be ignorant and simple now--not to be able to meet the enemies on their own ground--would be to throw down our weapons and betray our uneducated brethren who have, under God, no defense but us against the intellectual attacks of the heathen. Good philosophy must exist, if for no other reason, because bad philosophy needs to be answered."
-Attributed to C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

One of the things that really goads the Toad is the constant attempts by the priests and priestesses of secularism and atheism to chase the faithful from the public square. I know, I know: you know all about it-you read First Things every month, than have a nice sherry and whinge about it at coffee hour whilst snarking down the tea cookies.
Well, pally, here’s a thought for the day: “Books like Richard Dawkins’ ‘The God Delusion’ and Dan Brown’s ‘The Da Vinci Code’ do not become best sellers in a society that understands what Christianity is all about.” These folks are out to steamroll you and other faithful, and mopping your moistened brow won’t carry the day.
Indeed, according to a Christian Post story, former atheist Anthony Horvath, a Christian apologist who works with young adults, says that churches are producing atheists by not answering the questions of young people and explaining why they believe in the Bible. Horvath goes on to explain that some of the recurring questions young adults struggle with but churches often fail to address include the formation and development of the Bible, the presence of evil and suffering in the world, and the question of inspiration and inerrancy. “In large part, it happens when the church leadership is completely unaware that their members – and not necessarily just the young members – have questions at all,” states Horvath.
The failure of apologetics comes at a time when proponents of secularism wish to exclude worldviews founded on religion because they are supposedly based on sources that are not reliable or are irrational. In a pluralistic society is it not sustainable, according to secularists, to introduce religious arguments because this is imposing elements of a religion on others who do not share these beliefs. Brendan Sweetman, a professor of philosophy at Rockhurst University in Kansas City, Missouri, affirds an excellent analysis in his recent book Why Politics Needs Religion: The Place of Religious Arguments in the Public Square (InterVarsity Press). It’s a good read, but, what’s a Toad to do beyond barking?
A series of recommendations over religion's role in politics came last year in the form of a question-and-answer booklet authored by the Bishop Thomas Olmsted of Phoenix, Arizona. In his pamphlet, Catholics in the Public Square published by Basilica Press, he recommends the faithful to be respectful of the beliefs of others, or of those who have no faith. "Nonetheless, it is our duty to engage the culture, not run from it," Bishop Olmsted comments. People of faith, like others, have every right to bring their views and beliefs into public.
Yeah, right, but that ecclesia just isn’t militans enough for the Toad. How about this, from Benedict XVI’s statement of July 5th? The German Shepherd recommended, no hand wringing. Instead, give public testimony to your faith and not live two parallel lives: one which is spiritual; and another which is secular. Instead, the Pope urged, strive for coherence between your lives and your faith, thus providing an eloquent testimony of the truth of the Christian message. That coherence is only too often lacking among many active in public life.
It’s probably a coherence lacking in a more than couple of church leaders. The Toad isn’t naming any names, but offers only the following cryptic observation, “Ask not for whom the Eagle or the Grey Goose fly.”
Faith helps us to see our life and to judge right and wrong according to God's wisdom. And faith without works is…well…you know. So the Toad’s bark is to get busy-make sure your churches aren’t churning out mini-me Richard Dawkinses and Dan Browns or even lukewarm Christians. Train ‘em up and turn ‘em loose in the public arena. And yourselves be courteous (the secularists hate that), yet fearless in calling to account those in public live trying to lead that dual existence.
What’s the worst that can happen? They won’t let you in the club? Pally, if you are reading this blog, you either aren’t in the club, or you won’t be when someone (perhaps the IT trolls who monitor your company’s internet use) catches you out as a secret Christian.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT
(NOT an Horned Frog-REALLY)

2007-07-31T15:25:00.000-04:00

Horned Frogs

A recent post by a reader from Texas brought to mind the question of Horned Frogs, and whether they are, in fact, toads. No, they are not, but we have learnt that there are several currently serving as clergy. For, you see, horned frogs of the genus Ceratophrys, in some forms, are beautifully adorned and highly aggressive creatures. Some have an immense body bulk. and all of the horned frogs have enormous mouths and are highly predatory, the food of some consisting almost solely of other frogs, minor clergy, or the contents of collection plates, as the case may be. Large specimens will attack anything which threatens them. They can inflict painful bites, holding on with bulldog tenacity, and even the tadpoles of horned frogs are highly carnivorous.

Some species of horned frogs are small, but several grow to huge size and have beautifully blended coloring of reds, tans, browns, greens, and blacks. This would account for the regular shipments of vestments from C.M. Almy and E-Bay. They are known to move about little, preferring to lie in ambush for the unwary. The "horn" of the horned frogs is a curious triangular prolongation of the edge of the upper eyelid, forming, as it were, a little mitre.

The watchword when approaching them is, "Beware".

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

(Not an Horned Frog)

2007-07-31T10:09:00.000-04:00

OF CLERGY EDUCATION AND TABLE-TOP SEMINARIES

"It is easy thus to outline a few external characteristics of the seminary, but difficult to picture its inner life."
-Herbert Baxter Adams

Dr. Toad received the following from a continuing Anglican enrolled in an an accredited residential seminary who had received an advertisement from one of the on-line, "low-cost" Anglican "seminaries":

"Here is a fraudulent seminary if I have ever heard of one! I hate to say it but I am getting so tired of every hack job and wacko out there getting a doctorate of whatever from St. Whoever's Seminary and calling them selves The Right and Most Rev. whoever of whatever Anglican Church. Its ridiculous!"

I have left off the name of the august educational institution referred to in the e-mail pending a bit of investigation (but you know who you are). However, I do note that sham seminaries and questionable degrees (ask me about my "LSMFT", dare ya') abound, and that "clergy" with no visible education, much less formation seem to infest the waters of Christendom. Lest I be unfair, although it's the Toad's blog and I can be as unfair as I wish, the phenomenon is not just limited to the traditional Anglican world. There are vague Bible College degrees aplenty in other parts of the world.

On the one hand, on-line delivery of education, even theological education, can be a cost effective and time saving way of addressing the need for an educated clergy. On the other hand, there is the matter of spiritual formation which you can't get in the soft, warm glow of the computer screen. More to the point, there are any number of entities claiming to confer a degree on the pay-as-you-go plan; e.g. pay us and go with a certificate suitable for framing without worrying about all of that tedious coursework. Then these "clergy" go perpetrate fraud on the unsuspecting worshipping public, frequently burning down the crops and salting the earth.

It's enough to make a Toad bark.

So, here's the deal, Toads and Toadettes. If you have a notion that someone may be running a seminary that is a bit...umm...shall we say "sketchy", send us a post, a link and a brief statement as to why you might think there is a whiff of fakery. And, gang, it has to be a real reason and not because you just don't like St. Swithun's On-line College of Theology and Diesel Engine Repair.

The Barking Toad will put out a periodic article on them, and apply the fraudulizer. Those running the seminaries will be welcome to provide a defense (but no advertisements) setting forth the reasons why their offerings are real. But if you can't substantiate your claims, it will be a rough ride. We promise.

We'll also be looking them up to see whether they have an accreditation of any kind. ATS is the gold-standare, and we realize that there are regional and state accrediting bodies, so we'll be more lenient than say the Department of Defense. (Those party-poopers actually require a Masters of Divinity from a real school to serve as a military chaplain. What cheek!) However, if your alma mater is accredited by oh, say, the Greater Kazakhstanian Board of Independent Educational Bodies and 23rd of October Tractor Factory, you may be in for a thorough barking.

Finally, here's a tip for those of you interviewing prospective clergy, look up all of the schools on the resume, and, when dealing with a "Doctor", ask them for a copy of that dissertation or at least what their area of work. You'll be glad you did.

And remember, "Education is a progressive discovery of our ignorance."
-Will Durant (1885-1981) U.S. author and historian.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

2007-07-30T11:53:00.001-04:00

Hell in a Handbasket (or a Bookshop)

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

If you are traveling to the U.K. in August, here is a little divertissement to put on your itinerary. And who says that Britain is a post-Christian nation? Of course, if were held on this side of the pond, we know which entity would be holding it in a church! I particularly like the emphasis on the practical aspects of demonic conjuration.

You can see this and so very much more at Treadwell's 34 Tavistock St., Covent Garden http://www.treadwells-london.com/default.asp "Treadwell's follows the traditions of old-fashioned bookselling - a warm welcome for book lovers, hourly rounds of tea, friendly conversation, and regular events." "Overseas visitors are warmly invited introduce themselves to our staff." Now, if we could just get that odour of brimstone out of our clothes after our visits.

So little time, and cut wood has just gotten so expensive hereabout.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

02 August 2007 (Thursday)
Hell in a Handbasket: A Portable Summary of Demonic Conjuration

Cost: £5
7.15 for 7.30pm start
The author of the demonic grimoire Liber Niger Legionis presents a practical and historical talk, in which he details the variety of techniques for conjuring, summoning and communing with demons in the Western grimoire tradition. After touching upon the methods of mystical illumination (as we see, for example, in the Abramelin), he will turn to concentrate upon the various methods for interacting with the demons of the grimoires. Beyond the standard monotheist texts in the Solomonic tradition, the speaker will make especial reference to the Grimorium Verum (aka the Red Dragon), the Icelandic Galdrbok and Graeco-Egyptian goetic texts. This talk follows on from the 12th July talk overviewing grimoires. ‘Pharaon’, author of the celebrated and highly collectable Liber Niger Legionis (2005); he is a practising sorcerer of some years’ standing. By day he is a doctoral student in the history of religio-magical traditions in Western Europe, and he holds a Master’s Degree in near-eastern religion.

2007-07-30T11:23:00.000-04:00

You Don’t Know What You Got

“Most English-speaking people ... will admit that Cellar Door is ‘beautiful’, especially if dissociated from its sense and from its spelling”
-J.R.R. Tolkien

A good Monday morning to all of you Toads and Toadettes,

Just so you that you don’t think I’ve gone barking mad instead of just barking, I have absolutely no idea as to the meaning of the foregoing quote from J.R.R. Tolkien. I am reliably informed that Tolkien of blessed memory noted that the English compound “cellar door” in his essay English and Welsh (1955) and found that its sound is intrinsically beautiful. Further insights into why Tolkien found the term cellar-door aesthetically pleasing can be found in considering texts in his constructed language of Quenya. The poem Namárië opens with the words:

Ai! laurië lantar lassi súrinen,
yéni únótimë ve rámar aldaron!
Yéni ve lintë yuldar avánier
mi oromardi lissë-miruvóreva.

Or, perhaps the old boy was just looking for a new name for a character in one of his epics. After all, Tolkien also once used the phrase to illustrate a point about his writing process during an interview:

"Supposing you say some quite ordinary words to me - 'cellar door', say. From that, I might think of a name, 'Selador', and from that a character, a situation begins to grow."
I get the same feeling when anyone mentions “mortgage note”.

Interesting though all of this may be, I was just looking for something to say about a comment received yesterday from a continuing Anglican priest about saying the Mass in the oratory he has in his cellar. I think we’ve all been there at some point, and maybe many of you still are.
For those of you growing comfy in your buildings, take heed: a cellar could be in your future for any number of reasons. However, after reading the following, I think Lord Byron was right when he said, “The very best of vineyards is the cellar.”

Yr. Obed. Serv.

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

The Cellar Door

Today I said Mass in the cellar. Not a crypt chapel, but the cellar of my house. In truth, it is a fairly comfortable basement with a nice carpet and divided variously into guest quarters (many wandering clergy have slept there), a play area for the teenager who replaced my little girl, and a small oratory dedicated to St. Cyprian (a/k/a “the bishop who had a pair and wasn’t afraid to use ‘em.”). In fact, we have a first class relic of the saint there along with some others obtained from our friend the “Bone Collector”.

The oratory exists because, until recently, I had a downtown parish and couldn’t just pop in to say the offices or to get the Sacrament for emergencies. Funny how those needing Communion of the Sick so frequently are not in extremis on sunny days in June, but in the dark hours of rainy winter nights. So, I built St. Cyprian’s Oratory after obtaining a permission to reserve the Sacrament and to say the occasional Mass here when necessary. Little did I know how vital this little patch of “church” would become to me as a priest.

You see, I left “civilian” life some seven years ago, giving up secular income at the insistence of my archbishop who felt that I needed to devote full time and attention to the ministry. I already had done so as a deacon and priest serving missions, but he wanted to make sure I understood that I was to serve the people of his “cathedral” church with no means of support other than a not-too-sumptuous stipend and, of course, the salary and benefits of my wife’s job. (Sound familiar?)

And try to serve my people I did. Even with the struggles of an inadequate facility, no room for children, no parking and a neighborhood utterly hostile to a traditional Christian message (my favorites were the lesbian couple who regularly would wheel their “acquired” child past the doors declaiming against us), we managed to bring Word and Sacraments to a city in need. With the aid of dedicated folks and some great clergy, we founded a mission some two hours away, a mission that is getting ready to move forward. I suppose I took for granted the building that housed the parish, a locus to pray with others in the Mystical Body of Christ, and to gather in that Body for the celebration of the Eucharist.

Yet, in January of this year, the “front office” determined to “reassign” me full time to the mission. My family lost its local parish church (departed clergy and their kin can’t hang about)-the only parish my daughter had ever known. Gone were the feast days and weekday Masses, as my parish is now hours away and unreachable through the weekday traffic. And so, the cellar, to pray for those committed to my care and cure, and to say the Mass, to do that which is highest and best. (I note here that I thank God daily for the wonderful parish family the mission, who have, as a Baptist colleague says. “loved us up”—it is a singular honor to serve them.)

Today, Sunday made this more poignant. With my wife away and unable to travel to my parish (and thanks to the good father who looked after the flock!), I said Mass in the cellar on the Sabbath Day.

The congregation: my daughter and I were there, and the dog (while we love him, we don’t really include him in the average Sunday attendance and Communion as do some others).
With candles lit and the altar set, we joined in the celebration of the Eucharist on this Eighth Sunday in Trinity. The cellar fades away in the Mass. It is the same in any setting: a parish church, a house, the tailgate of a 2 ½ ton truck, a portable altar and soldiers on a hillside. It is timeless and boundless; it is immersion in the Body of Christ. Perhaps life as a mission priest and chaplain has changed things for me. I just think it is the reality of Christ present in the Sacrament. It might as well be a cathedral. He is there always, particularly wherever His Mass is celebrated.

At times like this, we may miss community, those whom we love and serve and delight in sharing this most sacred of aspects of our Christian life. We may also want a hymn or a chant or some “extras”, perhaps even a church no matter how humble. But, wherever the Mass is said and in whatever circumstances, it is a moment of precious reality, a reality of life united with Christ Jesus in His church.

So, this day, rejoice in community, enjoy those surroundings you have built to the honor and glory of God. But know this: you have that which can never be taken away unless you alone permit it. Know that “where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them” (Matthew 18:19).

Even in the cellar.

2007-07-30T10:29:00.000-04:00

Comment Problems

As the site gets up and running, we have had some problems with folks wanting to post comments not being able to get through. The problem should be repaired by the web trolls,but, if you have problems, please e-mail stirenaeus@hotmail.com and we'll try to sort it out.

Yr. Obed, Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

2007-07-29T14:49:00.000-04:00

AN ANGLO-CATHOLIC ECCLESIOLOGY FOR THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY

Good afternoon, all you Toads and Toadettes,

Here is a little something from an Anglican news service blog that is worthy of comment. I am not sure where it might fit in Avery Cardinal Dulles' Models of the Church, but I find it heartening to see some genuine theological work being done amongst the Anglo-Catholic set. I paerticularly like the bit in paragraph eight, "Separation brings woundedness."
Have a read and comment if you dare, and we'll see what happens.

Yr. Obed, Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

By Stevens Heckscher Ph.D.
Special to VirtueOnline
www.virtueonline.org
July 24, 2007

As a response to the recent pronouncement of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith on churches separated from Rome1, I set forth the following twelve propositions as the starting point for an ecclesiological position based on the Anglican Tradition. I believe that they are for the most part consistent with the general tenor of patristic thought.

1. Christ established one Church, and only one2 . The actions of sinful men cannot establish any other. Relationships may be severed, communion broken, even Christian communities anathematized by other Christian communities, but there is still only one Church.

2. According to the Creeds, this Church is "One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic." We may not say that part, or parts, of the Church have these marks but other parts do not. The marks pertain to the whole Church.

3. The so-called "branch theory" often (and in my opinion mistakenly) considered to be the Anglican position, is therefore false. I, personally, have never subscribed to it, and I cannot find it in any Anglican formularies. We may not say such things as, the Roman Catholic Church, the Orthodox Church, and the Anglican Church (for example) are "branches" of the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church.

4. Baptism confers membership in the Church, thus membership in the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church, for there is no other. We may not say (for example) that baptism performed in the Catholic Church confers such membership, but that! baptism in Protestant Churches does not. Baptism cleanses fro! m sin, g rafts the recipient into Christ, and confers membership in the Church. All baptized persons are therefore members of the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church 3.

5. Unfortunately, schism is a fact, and has been for most of the history of the Church, especially since the Great Schism between East and West from the eleventh century. Since the Reformation, schism has become very widespread.

6. The schisms of the second Christian millennium are fundamentally different from those of the first millennium. Those of the first were generally over differences in Trinitarian or Christological doctrine, and were dealt with by the Councils. Those of the second millennium were more ecclesiological, generally beginning with breakdown of communication (as in the eleventh century), or with responses to excesses of authority or practice. Responses generated reactions, resulting in schisms. Many of the schisms of the second millennium persist to this day, and what follows herein is concerned with them.

7. Schism creates separated Christian communities. Among these communities, in varying ways and to varying degrees, there are breaches of communio in sacris, differences over matters of faith, and atrophy or deliberate denial of sacraments, rejection of authority, enmity, hatred, accusations, lack of trust, and disruption of fellowship. However, schism does not create new churches, or new "branches" of the One Church. It merely creates communities, variously separated from one another, which have no independent standing as separate churches, for there is but one Church.

8. Separation brings woundedness. Failure of charity, enmity, even mutual hatred, and breach of communion are among the wounds that these communities share, and these wounds are inflicted upon the whole Church, not merely on communities that have their origins in schism. In particular, schism and its consequent woundedness are qualities shared by all parties, not simply by one side of a dispute or separation.

9. Schism also denies the parties to it access to the varying gifts that God in His wisdom imparts to separate communities and to illuminated individuals within them. For example, most Protestant communities are denied the grace of the Apostolic Ministry of Bishops, Priests, and Deacons. By the same token (for example), Roman Catholics are denied full benefit of the authentic insights of the Reformation.

10. Thus all members of the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church share in the woundedness of the whole. Even if proper obedience e to Pap al authority is a gift of God to the whole Church (as many Anglicans believe), those in obedience to the Pope also suffer deprivation, because they do not have full access to the gifts of other, unfortunately also separated, Christian communities, with which, and among which, communion has been sundered. The Pope himself is diminished because he does not have full access to the gifts possessed by, for example, the Lutherans or the Eastern Orthodox. Likewise, Anglicans, Orthodox, and Protestants are all variously but similarly diminished.

11. Therefore, although all validly baptized persons are members of the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church, not one of us belongs to a community that does not share in the woundedness of the whole. The degree of this deprivation may differ among communities, but the woundedness and its consequent deprivations are qualities shared by the whole.

Nevertheless, in a great Mystery, wherever the Bishop is, surrounded by his clergy and his lay people, in the local Eucharistic community, the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church is mystically and supernaturally present4.

12. Approaches to Christian unity must therefore begin, as Nicolas Zernov taught us fifty-five years ago5 , with mutual, corporate, public repentance, and continue with honest and mutually respectful dialog. Among the questions that need to be answered is this one: To what extent are the various existing barriers to intercommunion essential matters of faith and practice?

While unity of faith is a prerequisite to sharing in the sacraments, I believe that there may be space for more latitude regarding some issues than is commonly realized. Thus we need to ask, and debate seriously, charitably, and with mutual respect: What beyond acceptance of the Scriptures with the Tradition of the Church, the Apostles', Nicene, and Athanasian Creeds, the Sacraments, and the Apostolic Ministry must be agreed upon before intercommunion can be established.6

We all are wounded. Jesus Christ Himself is wounded. I join my tears with His.

---Stevens Heckscher, Obl. OSB, Ph.D. is Lay Associate for Spiritual Direction, chorister, and acolyte at the Church of the Good Shepherd, Rosemont, PA. He studied Mathematics at Harvard, Leiden, and Cambridge (UK), and Christian spirituality at the Shalem Institute, Washington, DC. He taught mathematics for twenty years at Swarthmore College, and although officially retired from scientific work, still actively pursues research in mathematical community ecology as a consultant. He is the author of a number of theological and scientific papers. Feast of St. Benedict, 2007

FOOTNOTES:

1. Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, July 10, 2007. Responses to Some Questions Regarding Certain Aspects of the Doctrine on the Church. Available online at See also, Dominus Iesus, The Vatican, September 5, 2000; available online at: http://tinyurl.com/2pzqa9
http://www.catholicculture.org/library/view.cfm?recnum=3022

2. In this we agree with Dominus Iesus, op. cit., IV.

3. Compare Dominus Iesus, loc. cit. See also the Chicago-Lambeth Quadrilateral, available online at http://anglicansonline.org/basics/Chicago_Lambeth.html

4. Cf. Ignatius of Antioch, Letter to the Smyrneans, 8.2. Throughout his letters, Ignatius argues that, where there is no bishop, there is no Church. That is why, while stressing that baptism always initiates the recipient into the One Church, I refer to all Christian confessions, in some of which the Apostolic Ministry is lacking, as "communities". Whether or not this Ministry is present, I am arguing, no one community, separated by schism from others, contains, or circumscribes, the One Church. Yet by a Holy Mystery the One Church is mystically or supernaturally wholly present in any Eucharistic community presided over by the Bishop. Part of the woundedness, or deprivation, since the time of the Great Schism in the eleventh century, lies! in the fact that the Bishop is out of communio in sacris with! many ot her Bishops. Ignatius could not have foreseen this eventuality.

5 N. Zernov, The Reintegration of the Church, SCM Press, 1952; p. 44: "The healing of schisms must begin with severe self-examination; only when the members of each confession accept their guilt in the disruption of Christian fellowship will the reintegration of the Church become a practical task instead of remaining an unattainable ideal."

6. This is an expansion of the essentials for restoration of uni! ty set forth by the Chicago-Lambeth Quadrilateral, op. cit.

2007-07-28T10:33:00.000-04:00

What A Difference Three Years Doth Make

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

As I have been following the recent events in “continuing” Anglican world, an astute reader (or at least a reader with a good memory), forwarded me this piece from The Christian Challenge magazine. We’ll follow this piece in the comment section with some contemporaneous on-line commentary from Dr. Toad’s E-Mail Archive.

Your correspondent was there and sober for all of the events, so let’s see how things fare as we swelter our way through the summer heat, with a little cool breeze from back in Wisconsin.

Yr. Obed. Serv.

R. Toad, DD. LSMFT

A "HISTORIC MOMENT" FOR THE U.S. CONTINUING CHURCH

Key Continuing Bishops, FIF Leaders, GatherFor Events In Wisconsin, Pennsylvania

By Auburn Faber Traycik The Christian Challenge (Washington, DC)September 28, 2004

Veteran Continuing Church members might well have said it could never happen.

But it did.

So it was that bishops of the three core Continuing Church bodies--the Anglican Province of Christ the King (APCK), the Anglican Catholic Church (ACC), and the Anglican Church in America/Traditional Anglican Communion (ACA/TAC)--came together in Wisconsin September 24-26 for prayer, worship, and free and frank discussions.

[So far, so good. And they didn’d even have their tasters with them.-ed.]

Not only that, the prelates were joined by the Rev. David Moyer, head of the Episcopal Church traditionalist organization, Forward in Faith, North America; and the Rev. David Chislett, Vice President of Forward in Faith-Australia.

The "extramural" Anglican bishops and Frs. Moyer and Chislett gathered in Fond du Lac primarily for the APCK's pilgrimage to the grave of Anglo-Catholic luminary, Blessed Bishop Charles Grafton (Second Episcopal Bishop of Fond du Lac 1889-1912), a biennial APCK event geared to provide participants an opportunity for prayer, and spiritual instruction and refreshment. Some 100 persons from across the U.S. took part in the pilgrimage.

It was all at the invitation of APCK Archbishop Robert S. Morse, though the Archbishop himself says it was really the Holy Spirit--and quite possibly Bishop Grafton--who "arranged a confluence of events" leading to the ecumenical gathering. "I think Bishop Grafton might have interceded for us," the tall, white-haired prelate said, smiling.

[Well, not exactly. At least two APCK priests urged the invitation as a sign of visible unity, and a chance to move the unity discussions along. One of those priests, Fr. Victor Novak, the Province’s Ecumenical Officer, is no longer with APCK. Following the meetings and urging the bishops to press forward on the unity front, something one might reasonably expect of an Ecumenical Officer, the good father was frozen out and given the now famous “silent treatment”. He departed the APCK in June 2007 after the Provincial Development Fund forced the sale of his parish’s building on its 10th anniversary.-ed.]

Whoever was most responsible for it, Morse's invitation to the bishops, clergy and laity of the two other leading Continuing bodies and two FIF leaders reached across the divides created by the Continuing Church's difficult early history with new signs of hope for the future. It came, interestingly, at a time when "official" Anglicanism faces a potentially large chasm of its own.

"It was a beginning," Archbishop Morse told TCC, and TAC's Primate, Archbishop John Hepworth of Australia, termed it a "historic moment for the Continuing Church in the United States."

While the APCK and ACC, led by Archbishop Brother John-Charles of Australia (who was unable to be present), had engaged in dialogue over the past year, it was the first real opportunity for bishops of the APCK (which may now be the largest U.S. Continuing Church body) to meet and talk (either for the first time, or for the first time in many years) with bishops of the ACA and TAC, the largest international Continuing Church fellowship. The ACA is the TAC's U.S. branch. Together, the APCK, ACC and TAC include an estimated 265,000 orthodox Anglicans.

[The APCK currently consists, charitably, of about 1,800 souls, following the departure of an entire diocese, while estimates of the ACC vary from 3,000 to 5,000 although exact numbers are elusive.-ed.]

Hepworth also saw Morse's outreach as significant because the TAC and FIF have already forged a communion relationship.

Bishops attending the pilgrimage in Fond du Lac, in addition to Morse and Hepworth, included, from the APCK: Bishop James Provence (Diocese of the West), Frederick Morrison (Southwest), and Rocco Florenza ( Eastern States); from the TAC: Archbishop Louis Falk (ACA Primate); Bishops Louis Campese (ACA-Eastern U.S.) and James Stewart (West); from the ACC: Bishops William McClean (Mid-Atlantic States), Rommie Starks (Midwest), and Bishop -elect Presley Hutchens (New Orleans).

The Pilgrimage was marked by frank and collegial discussions among bishops and clergy as well as opportunities to join in the Mass and at prayer and in study. Friday's Holy Eucharist was celebrated by the APCK's Bishop Florenza and sung Evensong by Archbishop Hepworth. Bishops and clergy of the TAC/ACA received Holy Communion at the crowded Mass.

[Looks like de facto communion between the ACA/TAC and APCK in a remarkable moment, marred only by the refusal of the ACC to make nice. See below.-ed.]

Later, the Rev. Dr. Paul Russell, professor of theology at Mount St. Mary College and an internationally recognized patristic scholar, presented a well-received program to the pilgrims on the teachings of the Desert Fathers.

The day was capped by a banquet at which Archbishop Hepworth offered a toast to Archbishop Morse, saluting his example of steadfastness in the faith.

On Saturday, pilgrims, clergy and laity, joined in a religious procession through the streets of Fond du Lac to the cathedral (of the still-conservative Episcopal diocese), which houses the shrine of Bishop Grafton. Traditional Anglicans, arrayed in a line stretching over several city blocks, sang hymns as they marched to the cathedral with banners and pennants fluttering against a grey Wisconsin morning.

At the Mass celebrated by Archbishop Morse, Bishop Morrison preached on the unity of the Church in the Blessed Sacrament. The theme was most appropriate to a gathering of brethren who often appear to be separated, and emblematic of the spirit of this historical Grafton Pilgrimage.

[There would be that visible communion thing again. The ACC bishops had found reasons to leave early.-ed.]

NOR DID THIS NOTEWORTHY ECUMENICAL EVENT conclude in Fond du Lac. "Part II" took place as Archbishops Morse, Hepworth and Falk, Bishop Provence, and Frs. Moyer and Chislett joined in Evensong and Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament at Moyer's parish, Church of the Good Shepherd, Rosemont, Pennsylvania, on the evening of Sunday, September 27. Good Shepherd's magnificent choir made the service, attended by over 100 persons, especially memorable. The visiting leaders greeted congregants at a reception following the service, and then were warmly hosted by Fr. Moyer and his wonderful wife, Rita, at a private dinner at the rectory.

Further discussions between the bishops and clergy at Rosemont, focusing on TAC's eight-year discussions with the Roman Catholic Church, were expected to follow before the leaders parted ways early in the week.

[Well, now, here are the once and the future APCK archbishops in a tete a tete with their TAC/ACA counterparts once again. It leads to say, “What happened?”-ed.]

Morse, now 80 and the leader of the APCK since its inception some 25 years ago, told TCC he believes "rapport" was established among the leaders at Fond du Lac, and he seemed open to the possibility of further similar encounters. He indicated his concern that Continuers fulfill Christ's basic call to Christians to be "people who love one another."

[Well, I think there might be some Angricans out there who don't exactly follow this part of the playbook. They put the "rap" in rapport. Has anyone mentioned Deerfield beach yet?-ed.]

Moyer told TCC that, in the APCK, Archbishop Morse "has something that works, something that he has sacrificed for that is bearing fruit." But he believes that the prelate is so committed to the "depth of Anglican Catholicism" that he knows that more is needed for the APCK's future.

Hepworth revealed that, when he was a young priest, Morse was his "hero" for his fight for the faith. Therefore, Hepworth said, it was "deeply moving" for him when he "knelt at the communion rail and received Holy Communion from Archbishop Morse personally."

The "emerging relationship" between the APCK and TAC/ACA which grew out of the Fond du Lac meeting was "deepened" by participation in the Evensong at Good Shepherd, he said.

[Gosh, that Communion thing just keeps coming up.-ed.]

The ACC bishops at Fond du Lac opted to refrain from receiving Holy Communion at any of the pilgrimage Masses, apparently due to the presence of bishops from the ACA, a body formed from a merger of part of the ACC and of the entire American Episcopal Church (dating from the 1960s) in 1991. But '"at least they appeared," Morse said.

[The ghost of Deerfield Beach dwells on in a snit grounded in human judgment and old wounds. What about that "people who love one another" bit? Perhaps one can love some of the people some of the time...wel, you get the idea. Perhaps Rodney King had a point.-ed.]

Moreover, Hepworth said he had received from ACC Archbishop Brother John-Charles a document setting forth a "pathway" for closer ties between the TAC and ACC--an indication that the ACC's top leader, at least, sees greater unity among Continuers as a priority.—

Permission to circulate the foregoing electronically is granted, provided that there are no changes in the headings or text, and this notice is included. For reprint permission, or to learn more about or to subscribe to THE CHRISTIAN CHALLENGE, the only independent hardcopy publication providing such a broad scope of news for orthodox Anglicans, contact TCC at: 202/547-5409, e-mail: atraycik@aol.com; fax 202/543-8704; 1215 Independence Ave SE, Washington, DC 20003.

2007-07-27T16:34:00.000-04:00

Well, by now you have all seen it, a very bold and straightforward stand. But, just in case you hadn't it's:

Bishop Rocco Florenza's letter to the bishops of the Province of Christ the King:

Dear Archbishop Provence:

This letter is to advise you and bishops Wiygul and Morrison that I have received notification that the following parishes and missions within my diocese have elected to separate from the Province of Christ the King and have affiliated with the Anglican Church in America , a body of faithful, traditional Anglicans with whom we are in communion:

1. Anglican Church of the Resurrection, Ansonia, CT
2. Anglican Church of the Ascension, Manchester, CT
3. Holy Apostles Anglican Church, Peewaukee, WI
4. Saint Mary the Virgin Anglican Church, Liverpool, N.Y.
5. Saint Alban's Anglican Church, State College, PA
6. Saint Mark's Anglican Church, Benton, KY
7. Saint Anne's Anglican Church, Columbus, OH
8. Saint Paul's Anglican Mission, Crystal Lake, IL
9. Saint Matthew's Anglican Mission, Custer, WI
10. All Souls Anglican Mission, Schylerville, N.Y.
11. Saint Michael's Anglican Mission, Albany, N.Y.
12. Saint Therese Anglican Mission, Washington, N.J.

In charity and in accordance with the standing practice of the Province, I have exercised my authority as bishop ordinary to dispense them from the canons pertaining to the departure of parishes from this body. As well, I have issued letters dimissory to the clergy of those parishes and missions so that they may affiliate with the Anglican Church in America without interruption to their respective ministries and work for ChristI have not granted these requests lightly, but after much prayer and reflection on the needs of the people and clergy under my pastoral care and on the future of Christ’s church as it is found in the traditional Anglican expression. I believe that I can do nothing less and remain true to Scripture, tradition and the foundational principles of our movement.

I have been a member of the clergy of this Province since its inception. Now, as a bishop. I must say that I no longer believe that it is possible to remain divided from those with whom we share the same Apostolic origins, the same theology and the same Sacraments. As stated in my recent pastoral letter to my diocese, such division stands in contradiction to the will of Christ, has been a stumbling block to our work for Him in the world, and has inflicted damage on the witness of the traditional Anglican expression. Our clergy recognize this, and, more importantly, our lay people well-know the cost of a fragmented witness. This was the reason for such great hope over our meetings in Fond du Lac two years past, and cause for such great disappointment when our Province, which had convened those meetings, did not move forward to build on that moment.

A community truly centered on Christ present in the Sacrament cannot be closed in upon itself, as though it were somehow self-sufficient; rather it must strive for harmony with other catholic communities. We cannot erect artificial barriers to the unity of the church based on old wounds and particularized views of communion based on those past events. We are called as the people of God to press forward together, to press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Accordingly, I have requested that I be received into the Anglican Church in America, together with the people and clergy of the parishes and missions named above, to serve them as a pastor and bishop for such time as God allows me to so to do. This request has been granted and is effective this 23rd day of July, in the year of Our Lord 2007.

In Christ,

The Rt. Rev. Rocco A. Florenza

2007-07-27T16:04:00.000-04:00

The Bad Vicar

Well, here's a little something for those of you who have had a vicar like this, wish you had a vicar like this, or want to be a vicar like this! Click here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQiyltvIcEQ

2007-07-27T15:41:00.000-04:00

Good evening, everyone,

Welcome to The Barking Toad, another of the millions of opportunities for the really cranky to blow off steam in a semi-constructive or, at least, non-violent way. (Well, maybe the language might get a bit rare, but we can't really get at one another, can we?)
For those who have clicked on the profile of your host, you will know that he is a priest of the catholic variety. That is about all he will offer by way of identity.
This little commentary will explore a variety of topics ranging from liturgy to philosophy, and from cigars to incense (both fitting in the same category).
Whether you are bufo ecclesiae or just a wandering bufo bufo, we hope that you will find either something edifying here, or, at least a place to bark.

Yr. Obed. Serv.

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

2007-07-27T14:52:00.000-04:00

At last we are up and running again after a mere two years in process. For those who would like to post, there will be a word verification. While management hereabout doesn't particularly like this feature, the very delay in our launch has been occasioned by trolls infesting the site with spam and "interesting" comments.
Now you all are free to bark away, wasting precious hours of your life attached to your computer to vent your spleen, tell the world about how things would be if you ran the church, propound your latest theological views, and such like.
Just remember one thing: It's not about you...it's about me.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

2005-08-23T11:07:00.000-04:00

Your Host-Dr. Roy Toad, DD, LSMFT