Tank the Skank

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

There are many things that goad the Toad. He has some has some serious anger-management issues on a lot of things ranging from fake clergy, specious seminaries, and the outrageous claims of church “jurisdictions” (original or not) and “provinces” consisting of twenty “bishops”, their wives and house pets. (Or is that “animal companions”?) Did we mention specious seminaries? Where's my harp seal bat?

Only kidding. No harp seals were injured for this column, although we are thinking vestments--furry vestments...

Well, there are, in fact, other things that really get in the Toad’s wick. Most of them we don’t share because, frankly, pally, it’s none of your business. However, an alert reader sent an article to the Toad that bears on Halloween and the moral state of things.


It seems that bawdy Halloween costumes have become the season's hottest sellers in recent years. Not just for women, but for girls, too. Very young girls.

The Washington Post, about as valuable a moral arbiter as oh, say the Episcopal Church, reports on one 11 year-old who wanted to dress up as a sports referee for Halloween. The outfit she liked is described as having a “micro-mini black skirt and a form-fitting black and white-striped spandex top held together with black laces running up the flesh-exposing sides, thigh-high black go-go boots that could be bought as an accessory, and a little bunny on the chest. She also liked the Aqua Fairy, a vampy get-up with a black ripped-up skirt, black fishnet tights and blue bustier that comes in medium, large and preteen. A medium fits…wait for it…a child of 8.


There's a message in a costume like that, and that message is: "Hello, sailor!"


Or, how about the “Fairy-Licious Purrrfect Kitty Pre-Teen”, which, according to the package, includes a "pink and black dress with lace front bodice and sassy jagged skirt with tail. . . . Wings require some assembly"? (Seems to be a lot of fairies around this year.)


Boys and girls, your little one could also go for such girl and preteen costumes as Major Flirt in army green, the bellybutton-baring Devilicious and a sassy, miniskirted French Maid, pink feather duster included. (Didn't the Toad see this last one at a clergy convention? Rawk, rawk, rawk!*) Fishnet tights, once associated with smoky cabarets or strip joints, now come in girls' sizes and cost $3.99. What about the ghost costume made out of an old sheet with eyeholes?


Americans are expected to spend upwards of $5 billion this year on candy, ghoulish decorations and costumes. That’s more than most vagantes spend on e-bay vestments or seminaries!


The hottest trend in costumes, retailers say, is sexy. And young.

Suggestive costumes for girls have become so big that there is a separate pre-season fashion show. The Halloween costume trend is just a part of a far larger trend that young girls are becoming sexualized. Task forces of psychologists study the trend. Now, THERE'S a solution.


Maybe we can all just blame the teen movies like Mean Girls: "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." Or, maybe it’s the advent of skank culture in America-pushed by our constant saturation and fascination with big name sluts (kind of an honorific of late), or giving into products like the ubiquitous Bratz dolls that lead to little girls dressing up as “Bar Wench”, or “Cocktail Hunny-the half-angel, half-devil”, or “Hot Flash, a nurse with thigh-high garters.” Nice. Very nice.


Here’s a clue, toads and toadettes, if you all weren’t buying it, they wouldn’t be selling it. Get out the sheet and scissors.

In the meantime, there are a number of “clergy” out there doing their own version of dress up. (And, you were wondering how the Toad would get around to them, weren't you?) Don’t bother with formation or study. Oh, my, no bunky! Just go down to the costume shop…er, the liturgical supply house…and dress up.

The Toad’s personal favorite costume includes the purple gloves for prelates that can be taken on and off during the “liturgy” at appropriate dramatic moments, with the accompaniment of a tray bearer for the gloves and the episcopal ring. The Toad has heard from at least ten people who saw the continuing church bishop too did this is and is ready to name names. After Halloween, of course. Wouldn't want to mess about with the dress up.

Are these the "men" the ones to address the problem of a rapidly growing “skank nation”? Or, are you boys just skanks yourselves with higher-priced costumes that you can wear year-round? Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

Beware, for thus spake Toad, “If you are playing dress up, take ‘em off and put ‘em away. You are part of the problem, and the Toad is coming for you.”


As for the Toad this Halloween, he’s going for the Big Daddy self-adhesive hairy chest kit for $6.99. (He’s a Toad, it’s the only way to luxuriant chest hair.)

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The Sound of One Toad Barking