Tank the Skank

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

There are many things that goad the Toad. He has some has some serious anger-management issues on a lot of things ranging from fake clergy, specious seminaries, and the outrageous claims of church “jurisdictions” (original or not) and “provinces” consisting of twenty “bishops”, their wives and house pets. (Or is that “animal companions”?) Did we mention specious seminaries? Where's my harp seal bat?

Only kidding. No harp seals were injured for this column, although we are thinking vestments--furry vestments...

Well, there are, in fact, other things that really get in the Toad’s wick. Most of them we don’t share because, frankly, pally, it’s none of your business. However, an alert reader sent an article to the Toad that bears on Halloween and the moral state of things.


It seems that bawdy Halloween costumes have become the season's hottest sellers in recent years. Not just for women, but for girls, too. Very young girls.

The Washington Post, about as valuable a moral arbiter as oh, say the Episcopal Church, reports on one 11 year-old who wanted to dress up as a sports referee for Halloween. The outfit she liked is described as having a “micro-mini black skirt and a form-fitting black and white-striped spandex top held together with black laces running up the flesh-exposing sides, thigh-high black go-go boots that could be bought as an accessory, and a little bunny on the chest. She also liked the Aqua Fairy, a vampy get-up with a black ripped-up skirt, black fishnet tights and blue bustier that comes in medium, large and preteen. A medium fits…wait for it…a child of 8.


There's a message in a costume like that, and that message is: "Hello, sailor!"


Or, how about the “Fairy-Licious Purrrfect Kitty Pre-Teen”, which, according to the package, includes a "pink and black dress with lace front bodice and sassy jagged skirt with tail. . . . Wings require some assembly"? (Seems to be a lot of fairies around this year.)


Boys and girls, your little one could also go for such girl and preteen costumes as Major Flirt in army green, the bellybutton-baring Devilicious and a sassy, miniskirted French Maid, pink feather duster included. (Didn't the Toad see this last one at a clergy convention? Rawk, rawk, rawk!*) Fishnet tights, once associated with smoky cabarets or strip joints, now come in girls' sizes and cost $3.99. What about the ghost costume made out of an old sheet with eyeholes?


Americans are expected to spend upwards of $5 billion this year on candy, ghoulish decorations and costumes. That’s more than most vagantes spend on e-bay vestments or seminaries!


The hottest trend in costumes, retailers say, is sexy. And young.

Suggestive costumes for girls have become so big that there is a separate pre-season fashion show. The Halloween costume trend is just a part of a far larger trend that young girls are becoming sexualized. Task forces of psychologists study the trend. Now, THERE'S a solution.


Maybe we can all just blame the teen movies like Mean Girls: "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." Or, maybe it’s the advent of skank culture in America-pushed by our constant saturation and fascination with big name sluts (kind of an honorific of late), or giving into products like the ubiquitous Bratz dolls that lead to little girls dressing up as “Bar Wench”, or “Cocktail Hunny-the half-angel, half-devil”, or “Hot Flash, a nurse with thigh-high garters.” Nice. Very nice.


Here’s a clue, toads and toadettes, if you all weren’t buying it, they wouldn’t be selling it. Get out the sheet and scissors.

In the meantime, there are a number of “clergy” out there doing their own version of dress up. (And, you were wondering how the Toad would get around to them, weren't you?) Don’t bother with formation or study. Oh, my, no bunky! Just go down to the costume shop…er, the liturgical supply house…and dress up.

The Toad’s personal favorite costume includes the purple gloves for prelates that can be taken on and off during the “liturgy” at appropriate dramatic moments, with the accompaniment of a tray bearer for the gloves and the episcopal ring. The Toad has heard from at least ten people who saw the continuing church bishop too did this is and is ready to name names. After Halloween, of course. Wouldn't want to mess about with the dress up.

Are these the "men" the ones to address the problem of a rapidly growing “skank nation”? Or, are you boys just skanks yourselves with higher-priced costumes that you can wear year-round? Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

Beware, for thus spake Toad, “If you are playing dress up, take ‘em off and put ‘em away. You are part of the problem, and the Toad is coming for you.”


As for the Toad this Halloween, he’s going for the Big Daddy self-adhesive hairy chest kit for $6.99. (He’s a Toad, it’s the only way to luxuriant chest hair.)

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

Now that's a real cannon of the Mass!

-from Dr. Toad's entry to the Ship Of Fools caption contest.

Good Evening Toads and Toadettes,

Looking for a little militans in your ecclesia? Here it is, boys and girls. No clown liturgy, fraudulent clergy or specious seminaries in the Diocese of St. Attila (Original Province). No, siree! And we have a coffee hour that will blow you away!

More caption fun at http://www.ship-of-fools.com/

Ship of Fools: The Magazine of Christian Unrest.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT

Of Clowns and Kings

"Then suddenly the Roman liturgy disappeared as we knew it."
-Richard Morris

Good afternoon, Toads and Toadettes,

In response to a comment from Rev'd Up, the Toad went trolling to bring you the absolute best of bad liturgy. These are guaranteed, uncut (well, mostly) amateur films of (well, mostly)Catholic liturgy. We have not been able to relocate the Franken-Mass, but these ought to have you buying a new monitor, pally.

First, the Toad has for your delectation an "Halloween Mass" replete with a corpulent devil distributing Holy Communion. And you all were worried about female acolytes? Take this from a little corner of the Church, boys and girls! Just so you know where to write, it took place at Corpus Christi Parish, Aliso Viejo, CA, Diocese of Orange, Bishop Tod Brown.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WadbbxPoBlk&mode=related&search=Oakland%20Diocese%20Clown%20Mass%20Catholic%20Heresy%20Halloween%20Liberal%20Homily%20Liturgical%20Abuse%20Barney%20Blessing%20Orange%20Tod%20Brown

Now, here's the same Bishop "Toddy" refusing the Sacrament to a kneeling woman until she stands up. The mariachi makes a great accompaniment. The Toad had to run for a Cuervo infusion just to get through this one. Rawk, rawk rawk.*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0yfdbxr7qM&mode=related&search=Oakland%20Diocese%20Clown%20Mass%20Catholic%20Heresy%20Halloween%20Liberal%20Homily%20Liturgical%20Abuse%20Barney%20Blessing%20Orange%20Tod%20Brown

Then there is the full on clown liturgy in the Diocese of Oakland shown in the picture above. Love the stole, padre! The explanation of the colors of the clown face as the "full embodiment of the Salvation story" is absolutely priceless. However, the invitation to vocation and the comments on celibacy by one of the clown-Mass team takes this little gem to a new depth as does the homilist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsC4wRPybpA&eurl

And finally, a little point and counterpoint, bad Masses juxtaposed against...well. just watch. Warning, there are scenes from Episcopal services in this one. The flaming-bowl-goddess-worship has, however, taken place in a Catholic seminary near the Toad's Abode. (And, no, he ain't telling you where that is, bunky! Just watch the film.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roPPBpk4vcA&mode=related&search=

Now, the Toad is going to take a hot shower, a cold drink and try to forget about clowns. They always frightened him, anyway.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

On Fire for God

“Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
-Warren Hutcherson, Stand-Up Comedian

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad likes miracles—really, he does. He also believes in the phenomena of miraculous apparitions granted by God to strengthen and sustain the faithful. He’s God, pally. You know, the Big Guy. He can play ‘em as he sees ‘em.

And, you know, old Nappy B. once said, “Great men are meteors designed to burn so that the earth may be lighted.” But, just as the Toad has doubts about certain seminaries, “churches” (particularly anything called an “original” jurisdiction, denomination or province), and other ecclesiastic ephemera, the Toad just can’t get behind stuff like the Madonna of the Cheese Sandwich. As well, he has a hard time getting his arm around clergy reincarnated as a briquette, or, for that matter, reincarnation at all--unless, of course, the Toad can come back as some spoiled, rich Hollywood type who can wrap his car around a busload of nuns and merely get sent to celebrity rehab.

This is why the Toad just had to check out an e-mail from an alert reader with too much time on his hands. It seems as though the late Holy Father, JPII, complete with his right hand raised in blessing, was spotted during a ceremony in Poland to mark the second anniversary of his death. It seems as though a bonfire was lit during a service at Beskid Zywiecki, close to John Paul's birthplace at Katowice, southern Poland, on April 2 - the second anniversary of his death. (The Toad questions the liturgical use of the bonfire unless it is being used for purposes of heresy adjustment, but, hey, it isn’t any worse than the Halloween Mass conducted by a priest in a Frankenstein costume last year. We did think, though, that we are trying to cut back on flamers in the Church, though. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*)

It seems as though hundreds attended the ceremony, and one Gregorz Lukasik, the Polish gent who took the snaps, said: "It was only afterwards when I got home and looked at the pictures that I realised I had something. I showed them to my brother and sister and they, like me, were convinced the flames had formed the image of Pope John Paul II. “ Absolutely no vodka was involved in this evaluation, no sirree!

Details of the late pope flambé appeared on the Vatican News Service, a TV station in Rome which specializes in religious news broadcasts. Then, pictures were broadcast continuously on Italian TV and also posted on religious websites, some of which crashed as thousands logged on to see for themselves the eerie figure formed by the flames.

Well, boys and girls, the Toad will leave it for you to decide. Is it the late JPII making a pilgrimage from the Larger Life? Or, was it a slow news night on Vatican TV that resulted in a bonfire of the inanities? The Toad prefers not to think of the Late Holy Father as a Marvel Comics character or a novelty drink called "The Flaming Pope." You know some hotel bartender already has thought of it.

As for the Toad, the whole thing reminds him of Hank “Walden” Thoreau, who wrote, “ Write while the heat is in you. The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with. He cannot inflame the minds of his audience.”

So, now that you all are suitably inflamed, go cool off.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

Gangsta Rap and the Ecclesiastic Life

I'm not a gangsta rapper. I rap about things that happen to me. I got shot five times. People was trying to kill me.
-Tupac Shakur (gangsta’ rapper, killed at age 25 in a drive by shooting)

I don't have no fear of death. My only fear is coming back reincarnated.
-Tupac Shakur

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

Out in Washington, D.C., Rep. Bobby Rush (D-Ill.) held a little hearing. Nothing unusual there: Congress holds more hearings then there are fraudulent seminaries and hokey prelates, although the latter may be more honest than many secular leaders—and better dressed. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

While the Toad usually stays away from readings of the Congressional Record, Bobby’s hearing, titled "From Imus to Industry: The Business of Stereotypes and Degrading Images," caught this amphibious one’s eye. Inspired by the furor over fired radio host Don Imus and his “ho” talk, the Bobster decided to get down with the problem of the cultural debasement by the makers of sexually depraved and racially charged rap music. The Toad doesn’t suppose a similar hearing could be held on the effects of the “pro-choice” industry on the culture, but, hey, we’ll take what we can get!

The Toad gives the congressman credit for a countercultural stand when he said this music of violence and degradation has ''reduced too many of our youngsters to automatons, those who don't recognize life, those who don't value life.'' He was unequivocal. “There is a problem -- a deep-seated, deeply rooted problem in our country,” he said. “The paycheck is not an excuse for being part of the problem.”

Well, it isn’t the cash paycheck that is the problem with the “roll your own catholic church” crowd, boys and girls. Nosiree! But it is some sort of emotional and spiritual payback that causes a pipe-fitter to play priest and a busboy to be a bishop. There must be something that makes a guy put up a website hawking a “seminary” offering “degrees” and asking the guy who woke up this morning and felt a “vocation” coming on for bucks to quench that spiritual fire. (Or, was it the refrieds you had last night while watching EWTN and complaining about modern liturgy?)

Maybe, it’s simply like the late Tupac said, “Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.” The Toad doubts it, though, but he ain’t no Continental philosopher-he’s a toad—the Toad—and the Toad knows metaphysics, the laws of supply and demand and a few other things he ponied up some good beer money to learn. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Nope. Even, for those who have some sort of theological training, there’s gotta’ be a return in declaring that their “jurisdiction” is the true church and ‘dissing the other folks. This ain’t psychology, it’s economics; it’s return on emotional capital. You want psychology, bunky? Do what the Toad does and call Dr. Phil’s radio show. (A word to the pathological, Dr. Phil only lets you call in once every couple of weeks, but Dr. Toad will let you comment your heart out. Just send me money—right now.)

But, here’s the rub for you “big” (and the Toad uses that term advisedly) “legitimate” continuing Anglicans, as well as you roll your own catholics who happen to have a bit of real training-what “authenticity” are you after? This seems to be the lynchpin for your existence, and is the basis for many florid and lengthy pronouncements, concordats and musings. The Toad is particularly fond of the lengthy exchanges by one continuing Anglican group (you know who you are) and its crafty minions questioning the authenticity of other groups. C’mon gang, this is a bit like Phillippe Dauman, the president of Viacom extolled the vile rantings of the gangsta’ piously pronouncing, “We have a responsibility to speak authentically to our viewers.” There you go, it’s all about a little authenticity.

The Toad suspects that much of this involves authority. Tupac summed it up when he said, “I think I'm a natural-born leader. I know how to bow down to authority if it's authority that I respect.” There you have it. I am a leader, but you know I just don’t respect the authority of those other guys, so I’ll get a website, a couple of fake degrees, some fancy duds and, I am my own authority. Gangsta’ church.

Well, boys and girls, “due to a growing feeling that the gangsta’ rappers have grown far too negative,” rap sales slid a whopping 21 percent from 2005 to 2006. Does that word “negative” ring a bell? There’s no negative in the gangsta’ church-just carefully worded statements providing a somewhat erudite veneer for dissin’ other Christians, followed by the old retreat and sneer. In the toad’s neighborhood, that will result in someone busting a cap in your ecclesiastic…well…in your Belgian lace surplice.

How about taking a look at those numbers among practitioners of drive-by Anglicanism, gangsta’ church or, for that matter, those who just believe “pimpin up da’ church” with e-bay frippery is the path to salvation? And what of the ecclesiastic equivalent of the gangsta’ name—you know, the “venerables” and “arches” and “doctors” that are the substitutes for “Ice-T”, “Snoop Dog”, and “Murder One”?

Well, the Toad is going to be after those numbers, and is going to post them here to bust that cap…at least in an editorial sense. And, bunky, you can make all of the internet statements about “numbers not being important” you want, but if you can hold church in your chopped Chevy, maybe you need to find another tune to sing. If gangsta’ church is a sickness, the public seems to be getting immunized, and the Toad aims to help. Why? Because, as St. Elvis said, “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away.”

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The Sound of One Toad Barking