Hollow Chocolate Bishops

“Within the hollow crown
That rounds the mortal temples of a king
Keeps Death his court.”
-William Shakespeare

Good morning boys and girls,

As we approach Lent, the Toad has been busy emptying the liquor cabinet. Alright, bunky, the Toad is always busy emptying the liquor cabinet, but that’s his business. Capisce? Good.

For some weeks, this old Toad, fueled by several cases of Old Overcoat, has been thinking about the direction of this little corner of dyspepsia. Church parody, particularly satire involving the shenanigans of “continuing” Anglican bodies, has worn thin. I mean, how many pseudo-seminaries can one write about? (Fine, the answer is “more than grains of sand on a beach.” Who are you people? Saint Augustine?)

In fact, these little groups “continue” to be their own best satire. Witness the recent grand ecumenical event to generate, you guessed it Toads and Toadettes, more continuing Anglican bishops. Rawk!*

Yep. For a group called UECNA (we’re not even trying to figure out acronyms anymore) numbering 300 to 600 there are three, count ‘em three new bishops. There was a big whoop in doing this because of the “ecumenical” dimension to the effort. The “consecration” was aided and abetted by the episcopal presence of two other “jurisdictions”-the APCK (est. 2,500 members) and the ACC (est. 3,000 adherents). While it is a bit difficult to for the Toad to figure out, that makes a rough total of about 13 U.S. bishops for maybe about 7,000 people in the ACC, APCK and UECNA. Wow, mater, get me a bowl of alphabet soup! I need something to cut the effect of the Old Overcoat.

When the Toad heard this, he thought it was simply his choice of adult beverages clouding reality like Lamont Cranston on a busy afternoon. But, no, there are actual pictures of this event. Strangely, there’s not much biographical information out there with it—you know, stuff like whether these gents actually saw the inside of a legitimate seminary or other more interesting episcopal tidbits, like how many living spouses there are among the crowd. Hey, at least nobody’s gay like in those other churches, right? What matters is service! And at about one bishop per member, you can bet there’s service aplenty. (Ok, that’s an exaggeration, but you get the point.)

The Toad suspects that there is a conspiracy among vestment makers to keep this stuff going. The rings alone will keep the children of both Duffy and Quinn in grad school for at least two years. And check out the assortment of copes, miters, rochets and chimeres. Gee, boys and girls, the Toad doesn’t want to think about the implications of the theologies behind those rigs.

It’s probably unfair to point at these little groups on the matter of the number of bishops they are putting out, much less what’s under the miters, or zucchettos or, whatever. Nosiree. Recent Anglican fragments have been cranking out the prelates like Mickey Ds does burgers. (“Look ma, it’s the episcopate of all believers. Or is that the priesthood of all bishops.”)

Now the big question is coming. Who gets to be in charge? Perhaps they’ll rotate it on alternate Thursdays. Or, they can put ‘em all in a locked room with a box of straight razors and a bottle of port and see who eventually phones out to Almy for an archbishop’s get-up. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*
Well, now there are more of these guys to bounce around their “pro-cathedrals”, make sovereign proclamations (never mind that authority thing) and “evangelize” by hucking other continuing Anglican parishes. The number of spottily-educated and, worse, unformed clergy will be turned loose to form “parishes” consisting of three old woman and a cat, who eventually will form their own “jurisdictions” and get themselves the miter they have so long deserved, all the while solemnly pronouncing their “catholicity.”

Toads and Toadettes, you heard it here—it’s all miter and no bishop. It’s like getting the big box of liquor-filled candies, and finding no thing inside—not even old overcoat. It’s more like getting a hollow chocolate bishop—the outside bits look real good, but there ain’t much working in terms of innards. At least those of the candy variety give us pleasure in their arrival and sadness when they’re gone, and not the opposite. Rawwwwwwk!*

So, the Toad is going to shift focus. Stop whining, bunky. He’ll still post the occasional nonsense about hollow bishops (chocolate or human), fake seminaries and religious scams. It’s like those potato chips or Old Overcoat, you can’t just have one. But look for a broader selection of craziness to be taken down in these pages. After all, there is so much to bark about, and so little Old Overcoat.

As you gear up for Fat Tuesday, the Toad recommends the Bishop Cocktail. HE particularly likes the fact that it’s decorated with various fruits. C.M. Almy, eat yer heart out. Rawk*

Bishop Cocktail recipe

Scale ingredients to 1 serving

juice of 1/4 lemons
juice of 1/4 oranges
1 tsp powdered sugar
Burgundy wine

Shake juice of lemon, juice of orange, and powdered sugar with ice and strain into a highball glass. Add two ice cubes, fill with burgundy, and stir well. Decorate with various fruits and serve.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,



“Bishop” Roy Aldous Toad,DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Prelate-Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Church and Pancake House-Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking