Of Pancakes and Pagans

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. -W. C. Fields

Hello, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad had just about gotten over his headache and double-vision when the cheery e-mail foghorn announced a message from yet another alert reader. Heck, the butter hadn’t melted on the hotcakes when a story from the Washington Times proclaimed “Pancakes flying in races at Cathedral.” Gripped by a familiar dread, the Toad poured a load of 30-weight on his breakfast and read the latest in Episcopal liturgical practices from “the Nation’s church” also known as the Washington National Cathedral.
Seems as though with “pancake and frying pan still intact, an astonished Rev. John A. Runkle flipped across the finish line first to win the spray-painted golden skillet Tuesday at the National Cathedral's annual pancake races.” The surprised “Mr.” Runkle, the Cathedral's conservator, had expected one Ms. Mink, the director of development for Heretics on the Hill, to win because of her "top physical shape."

"She was trying to elbow me out of the starting line, but I wouldn't have any of it. I had to push back," a breathless Mr. Runkle reported.

The Toad forked down another load of griddle cakes and had to wonder about this brutish pancake contest, the “top physical shape” of Ms. Mink and clergy driven to elbow-throwing at this 11th annual event that included “young children, high school students, clergy and cathedral staff.” Was everyone fair game for a rib-poking? Images of the spectacle of “Mr.” Runkle flattening the kiddies, harrowing the high schoolers, coshing clergy, and pushing La Mink became ever more worrisome. Better switch from Log Cabin to 100 percent Vermont maple to read this one. Ahhhhh, that’s the stuff. Rawk.*

There apparently were six different races on the Shrove Tuesday hotcake hoedown: St. Albans Flapjack Contest, the Gargoyle Gallop, the Beauvoir Blitz, the Run for the Rose Window, the Inaugural Initiative Relay Challenge and the "Yes We Can" Challenge. (They just had to get an Obama line in there somewhere. They are Episcopalians after all.) Prizes included a spray-painted golden skillet, a golden spatula, a golden gargoyle and a golden syrup dispenser. What, no golden calf? Any racer who dropped a pancake either had to take a 5-second penalty or recite A VERSE. No, not from the Bible or even "Obama! Obama!" Nope, bunky, losers had to recite the following words: "Pancakes are good, Pancakes are greasy. I thought flippin' pancakes was Gonna be easy." Hardly T.S. Eliot is it. No pre-Lent Te Deums or Glorias for this crowd, bunky. Rawk.*

Flush with his victory over Mme. Mink and the others, “Mr.” Runkle called the day "a different interpretation of Mardi Gras" and said the pancake races are "probably as loose as Anglicans are going to get." Oh, c’mon, now. Rave “masses”, altar orgies, queer bishops, Buddhist bishops, Morman bishops and Wiccan clergy seem bo be a little looser than pancakes in a denomination in which “looser interpretations” are de rigeur.

But, wait, there’s more. These races took place in the Cathedral. No, pally, not in the social hall, or the parking lot or even the crypt. Nosiree. They were held in the nave itself. (Or is that “knave”.) This is lovingly shown in the accompanying pictures in the Times which don’t appear in this blog. The Toad faces a copyright suit for no man. The happy snaps show the “flippers” (oh, man, what you can do with that term applied to Episcopalians) running right down the middle of the “Nations church”. Not to worry, it’s not like there is a the Real Presence or any sort of actual pesky authoritarian God stuff involved. Just the good, greasy presence of the pancake—the emblem of the Episcopalian—warm, fluffy, inviting, but just a lot of empty calories. Rawk, rawk.* (More syrup, damn it.)

But this race was not just aimless fun, said Wendy Tobias, a priest's assistant who works in the worship department at the cathedral. She thinks it does serve a church purpose because it is "community building." Sort of like Communion or Baptism. You knew that an Episcopalian could put a “churchy” spin on this, didn’t you, pally. Now, maybe a statue of Mrs. Butterworth in one of those niches. Rawwwwwwwk.*

Now, to top off the Toad's breakfast.
The Pancake Cocktail
½ ounce Frangelico
1 dash Grand Marnier
1 slice lemon
1 pinch sugar
Mix the Frangelico and Grand Marnier together with sugar around the edge of the shot glass take the shooter then suck the lemon. It tastes like real pancakes. Honest.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous “Pancake” Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Province of the Divine Griddle Cake (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking