The Road To Smurfdom
(with apologies to F. Hayek)

"Enough fighting! Lets all have a smurfy day!”
-Papa Smurf (children's television character and new archbishop)

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

Seems like summer is just the right time to reinvent the wheel and other early tools. The big Anglican Church in North America (ACNA) hoedown in Texas is all done. The trimphalist reportage, pumped out on a scale that makes Hugo Chavez look like local public access programming, has died down (for now). And all of the good boys and girls have taken their tambourines home to Smurf Land, to sing happy Smurf songs and hire a few more legal Smurfs to fend off the evil Squid Woman and her crafty minions. The Toad has learned that the firm of Grumpy Smurf, Jokey Smurf, and Sleazy Smurf, LLC is available. Rawk!*

And just what is it that our happy "Anglican" Smurfs did while on their Lone Star holiday? Well, here's a surprise, they came up with a few more bishops including a new Archbishop a/k/a "Papa Smurf". Just look at that blue get up, bunky, and tell the Toad that ain't a Smurf. Rawk, rawk.*

Along with creating bishops and yet another Anglican jurisdiction in the United States, the Smurfs also wanted to be "fair" and "nice" to absolutely everyone except those tatty old homosexuals who caused the whole problem in Smurfdom in the first place. That is why you Toads and Toadettes will notice all of the lady Smurfs dressed up as smurf priestesses right next to the fat white Smurfs in Kente cloth stoles. It made the Toad nearly gag on the Blue Lagoon cocktail Manolo the butler here at Toad Manor had put together to celebrate the Texas Smurforama. Apparently, the learning curve in the new "province" is pretty short.

Okay, Papa Smurf did "deal" with this and many other issues, like where to find fuzzy Gothic blue vestments in East Potlatch, Texas. Here's what the Big Blue One had to say,

...for those who believe the ordination of women to be a grave error, and for those who believe it scripturally justifiable- reflecting Global Anglicanism-that we should be in mission together until God sorts us out. It is not perfect,but it is enough.

Well, there we go. We'll just drive on the way we have, little Smurfs, and wait for that burning bush to tell us what the "Big Guy" pretty well laid out already--"I didn't leave Holy Orders in the hands of the ladies, whether they be Smurfs or one of Squid Woman's familiars." Nope, nada, can't do it for all of the Blue Lagoons in a new "Province".

Just a couple of side notes here--first, the Toad wonders what ever happened to all of those other Anglicans? You know, the ones who have been clawing parishes out of the earth whilst Papa Smurf and all of his fellow "orthodox" Smurfs held on to their pieces of real Smurf property and looked down on them as "non-Smurfs". ("Here now, are you Bluish?")


Also, what about those brave allegedly "Anglo-Catholic" Smurfs? You know, boys and girls, the ones who actually know when you are supposed to wear blue vestments. (Hint: It ain't in summertime, pally.) How do they go off into happy Smurf Land with Big Blue and his hairspray squad? No, bunky, they are going to continue their "teaching mission" to the Church of Squid Woman and, hold on to your hat, to the Traditional Anglican Communion, "that the Priesthood of Jesus is not a functional leadership of bishops and priests, but the bishop/priest is the icon, the man Jesus being made visible to the Christian community." Here's news, pally: the "traditional" Anglicans have known about this little bit of information for, shall we say, some time. On the other hand, the Mistress of Invertibrates up in New York wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire, much less accept that "teaching." Rawwwwwwk.*

Then, there was an appearance by the "evangelical" Pastor Rick "Cross Marketing" Warren. To the sighs, ooohs, and ahhhs of the Smurfs, Pastor Rick reportedly "made his audience feel special" with one liners like, "You may lose the steeple, but you won't lose the people." Deep, very very deep. The Smurfs lapped up this thin-beer theology that fits on a coffee mug, or day planner, or t-shirt...well, you get it pally. No sacraments, no liturgy, just pull down screens and infotainment for the pastor looking to pack 'em in. And here's the really good part, boys and girls,

People look at Saddleback and say how large should a church get? That is the wrong question. The question is who should be left behind.

Well, apparently no one, for Pastor Rick. Not even a president who favors the killing of the little Smurfs. Nosirree, Pastor Rick just wanted to be included front and center in the coronation-all press is good press even if it means getting down with the godless. Man, that's inclusive. Almost like Squid Woman herself or certain members of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. (Toad wants to be "inclusive" in his criticism--he wouldn't want anyone to feel "bad" over being left out. Rawk, rawk.*)

Smurf Fest 'o9 even featured a real bishop Metropolitan Jonah of the OCA, who should receive a medal for the effort at talking some sense into the Blue People. The praise music must have been turned up too loud, as the cheering Smurfs seemed to have missed the message of the Orthodox trail boss. What would it take for "reconciliation" with the Smurfs? Here's the prescription for getting rid of the blues, ancient Church style:

Full affirmation of the orthodox Faith of the Apostles and Church Fathers, the seven Ecumenical Councils, the Nicene Creed in its original form (without the filioque clause inserted at the Council of Toledo, 589 A.D.), all seven
Sacraments and a rejection of 'the heresies of the Reformation.

Big Jonah listed a series of deal breakers with Big Blue Bob's vision of Smurfdom: Calvinism, anti-sacramentalism, iconoclasm, Gnosticism, and the ordination of women to the Presbyterate. Don't even start with that filioque clause, boys and girls. Whoa! That's laying it on the line, and pretty much says that "intercommunion" is over before it even starts. The Metropolitan pretty well hit on all of the things that define the Smurfland of the "re-Reformed." (Ok, maybe not the Gnosticism, but the Toad will bet even money on that bit.) Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

Bottom line, Toads and Toadettes, this is just another Protestant denomination. The whole attitude toward anyone else can be summed up in the words of one of the events "reporters" (an ACNA activist): "In my observation much of what is called 'Anglo-Catholic' is crypto-Roman, whether consciously or unconsciously." Crypto-Roman? Smurfs, rally! Light up the fires and toast a few of those Papists.

Nawwwww, bunky. The real A-Cs are just plain old Catholics of the English type trying to live out their church lives without snare drums and fellow parishioners babbling in "tongues" that sound vaguely like an auctioneer on benzidrene or someone speaking Czech with a mouthful of dry salt crackers. Rawwwk.*

All of this is billed by Papa Smurf as a "return to manful Christianity." Well, pally, a picture really is worth a thousand words. Rawwwwwwk.*

The Blue Lagoon
Ingredients:
1.5 Shots Russian Standard Vodka
1.5 Shots De Kuyper Blue Curaçao
Top up Lemonade
Ice it down.

In the words of the immortal Brainy Smurf, "Now Now! We all need to smurf down!" Five or six Blue Lagoons, and there'll be no problem with that

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Prelate-Communion of Anglican Cranks in America (CACA) Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

Like Mushrooms

"The very idea of true Anglicanism is lost, and the term has been prostituted to the very worst of purposes. Anglican denominations, sir! Why, Anglican denominations spring up like mushrooms!"
-With Apologies to Sir Robert Walpole

Dear Toads and Toadettes,

It was just a matter of time. Like cow patties after a good rain, the "jurisdictions" are popping out after the cloudburst that was the ACNA hoedown in Texas. Did you boys and girls get a gander at all those priestesses down there? The Toad will have to bark about it, but first...

The Toad was sucking down an early morning Lime Rickey made with Sonic Drive-In Limeade when his brand new assistant, the Yapping Tadpole (get a aload of his fake degrees) hopped in breathlessly to Toad Manor. He was almost speechless. After a couple Sonic Lime Rickeys, the Tad pulled out a stack of research (he's got a fraudulent degree in it) about the newest Anglican "denominations." Could it be true, boys and girls? The Toad thought that Big Bob's ACNA Big Tent Gospel Show and Clergy Beauty Parlor was the only new Contining Church in town. Rawk.*

But no--not so. Not to be outperformed, there is the CACNA-The Conservative Anglican Church of North America under "Arch Bishop" (it's one word bunky!) Val E. Rose of Texas. This intrigued the Toad. He knew a Valley Rose from Texas, but the constabulary closed her place down. It's not a story for the little Toads and Toadettes wither, so don't ask.

While the Yapping Tadpole went out for more Sonic Drive-In Limeade, the Toad perused the CACNA pseudo-bona fides at their CACNA website. (The Toad likes saying CACNA, ok, pally? Sounds like Camp CaCna where he spent many painful summers as a young tad.) Here it is:

We are an Autocephalous Apostolic and Holy Catholic Church. We are a traditional and liturgical church. We are not in communion with Canterbury.

Looks like the main reason for the operation is to fix up church weddings for several "bishops" who "left the Roman Catholic priesthood, fell in love with beautiful, young ladies and were married [civilly]." At least they are not in communion with Canterbury, but, hey, who is? Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

They don't have any listed parishes and all five clergy are "bishops" or "Arch bishops", but (drum roll, please) they do have Saint James University, CACNA's "fully-accredited" seminary. The Toad was even more intrigued, but the "About" page was as empty as this fakeroo institution. The tuition and fees page was included; and, happily, boys and girls, this is one of the least expensive specious institutions going. At least you aren't getting ripped off. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

The Yapping Tad returned, fired up the blender and pointed to another variety of Anglican fungus The Christian Episcopal Church or "The XnEC (Xn = Christian, E = Episcopal, C= Church)". As opposed to Madam Jefferts-Schori's Pagan Episcopal Church in New York, this baby really jams down on the episcopate of all believers. It comes complete with four bishops, one priest, two deacons, and, oh yes one "arch deacon". (ONE word, damn it!) One of the parishes has been meeting in a Shrine Club, leading the Toad to wonder about how they work those little go-carts into the liturgy. That's just probably the Lime Rickeys talking. Rawk.*

But wait, there's more. Imitation being some form of flattery, my loyal assistant pointed out the Traditional Protestant Episcopal Church or TPEC. The Traditional Protestant Episcopal Church declares itself "in Christian humility to be the continuation of the original Protestant Episcopal Church USA." (Somebody call Squid-woman and her band of merry cephalopods know that TPEC beat ACNA to the punch. Send the lawsuits to TPEC.) No smells and bells for these Thirty-Nine Articles of Religion boys. Nosiree! No churches either. At least none listed other than the "Cathedral Parish of St. Francis at the Point". Guess it beats St. Bastard's-By-The-Bay. They've got twelve clergy-none of them women-and, thankfully, no seminary. The Toad doesn't have enough energy to skewer another one right now. No, boys and girls, its time for another pitcher of...you guessed it...Lime Rickeys:

Ingredients
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups gin
3/4 cup fresh lime juice (You can short-cut to drinking time with Sonic Drive-In Limeade!)
1 1/2 quarts chilled soda water
Thin slices of lime
Preparation
1. In a 1-quart pan, mix sugar with 1/2 cup water and stir over low heat until sugar is dissolved, about 5 minutes. Let cool or chill.
2. In a 3-quart pitcher, combine gin, lime juice, and the cooled syrup. Cover and freeze until ready to serve.
3. To serve, add soda water. Pour into ice-filled glasses and garnish with lime.

Lock up the credit card and Almy's telephone number, because eight or nine of these babys and it will be new continuing Anglican jurisdiction time for you, bunky. Rawwwwwwk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.Prelate-Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Church (Amphibious)-Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)

*The Sound of One Toad Barking

With

The Yapping Tadpole, B.D., D.D., S.T.D., M.A., Ph.D., M.Div., D.Min.,J.D.,M..D.,LLM,M.S.,M.S.H.R.M.,M.B.A.,M.H.A.,Th.D.,D.Mus.,Psy.D.Metropolitan Archbishop of the Okefenokee

See of the Everglades and Greater Florida Swamps

Defender of the Faith and Creator of All Things Anglican

Will you just look at all of those fraudulent degrees. (*sniff*) The boy makes an old Toad proud. Rawk.*

Who’s Loves Ya’ Baby?

“If my bishop calls while am at lunch, can you tell me who he is?”
-Every Continuing Anglican Churchgoer

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

It’s the summer of the Toad’s discontent. Of course, it’s always the summer of his discontent. The other seasons too. Of course, “Creativity is discontent translated into arts.” How’s that for highbrow, bunky? Rawk!*

Anyway, after a couple of months of satisfaction fueled largely by generous quantities of Old Limey Gin®, the Toad discovered a lack of creativity. Obviously, the gin-to-blood ratio was off, but additional gin produced a sufficient level of discontent to be creative. And what better a target to get all creative on is there than “Continuing Anglicans”? Awww, get over it, bunky, they’ll all be gossiping and e-mailing about this column within ten minutes after the Toad pushes the big red “Send” button. Rawk, rawk!* (“Oooohhhh, Nigel, he’s so vicious and nasty. He almost made me forget to put in my vestment bids on eBay!”)

The latest news comes from the poor old Anglican Church in America, which is still waiting by the phone for that call from the Vatican like a teenage girl waiting for the captain of the football team to ring. (“Any minute now…any minute. Either he’ll ring or I’ll just die!”)
Make no mistake, bunky, more Catholics is better Catholics. At least that's the philosophy of the franchise holder. Not necessarily good Catholics, but, hey, who is? Rawk!*

However, while ACA management is waiting for Benedict to descend in a flaming chariot to come take everyone to some sort of Catholic Valhalla where there’s good music, decent liturgy, funny hats, and you can tellthe bishop to sod off if he gets too cheeky and it's still the Catholic Church, the parish pirates have been plunderin’.

Street rumor is that Jimmy “Morse Makes the Lips Move” Provence (a/k/a Provence of the Province) scored another parish off the ACA in his favored "grab-n-go" method of church growth. Jimmy’s gang, still looking for payback for the loss of more than half of its operation in two waves of departures, has long been after St. Luke’s Colorado Springs. "It's got property and is in an affluent area," said Robert Sherwood "Man Behind the Scenes" Morse. Well, boys and girls, after a careful hollowing out and disinformation campaign, the radio-voiced pirate prelate of St. Bastard’s-by-the-Bay nailed another one to the wall. The Toad sez here, be careful what you wish for, bunky!

At the same time, there is news that the Episcopal Missionary Church (Motto: “Yes, Damn It, We Do Still Exist.”) picked off the parish of St. Alban’s State College in a move by one "Bishop" Council Nedd. The "bishop", who the Toad keeps wanting to call Nedd Council, is a classic. A former lay member of the Anglican Catholic Church, the "bishop" went from layman to the episcopate at light speed under the self-described “Arch Bishop” Larry Johnson. John heads the 3 ½ member Anglican Church of Virginia, and, coincidentally, operates a table-top seminary previously jacked-up by the Toad, couldn’t keep his newest “bishop” on the farm. Nedd went to the EMC leaving Johnson with his customary three clergy and impressive bevy of paper churches. In the meantime, "Bishop" Nedd, taking a page from his mentor, also ginned up a seminary, St. Alcuin House, “accredited” by the ever-specious Oxford Educational Network/Wolsey Hall as previously reported in these august pages. Go look it up yourself, bunky, the Toad can’t tarry over links today.

How did a guy like this poach a long-standing parish with its own paid off property undoubtedly to be his “pro-cathedral”? The Toad did some digging and found out that the parish just couldn’t get clergy from its ACA bishop. In fact, the bishop had no contact with the parish for more than six months, according to an e-mail from an alert reader. The correspondent told the Toad there were clergy--actual real, validly ordained clergy--willing to cover until a permanent guy could be located. But they were pulled by diocesan management and the parish left to dangle. Apparently, the ordinary involved was entirely too busy figuring out how to prolong his overdue “mandatory” retirement than to worry with the niceties of overseeing a parish. (Here’s a hint: this guy’s synod is next week. Watch the fun.)

At that point, the good ship Vagante sailed right in, and another continuing Anglican bishop has window dressing for his show.

The Toad doesn’t even want to know what ultimately will happen, although he has a pretty good guess. He’ll just note that nature doesn’t like a vacuum, ecclesiastical or otherwise, and you can never predict what the Big Hoover will suck in to an empty space. And here’s the rub, boys and girls, Rome ain’t going to scoop in all the stuff that’s in the storm drains of Anglicanism. The uneducated, the fraudulently educated, the unformed, the criminal and the just plain crazy aren’t getting in. Just how big is that percentage in the continuing Church? All the Toad hears is that giant sucking noise. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

After watching this latest set of sorry circumstances, the Toad sent to Vinnie’s Liquorama for an extra-large shipment of Old Limey Gin®, quinine water and ice. He plans to lounge by the pond and get sufficiently oiled to join the Toads and Toadettes singing doo-wop under the summer lamplight. Now, where’s that comb and pomade?

Who Is My Bishop Now?
(with apologies to “The Monotones”)

I wonder wonder who, oouu, who
Who is my bishop now?

Tell me, tell me, tell me
Oh who is my bishop now?

I've got to know the answer
Was it someone from above

I wonder wonder who, be-do-do who
Whose got the purple glove?

I, I went to church this mornin'
Just like I always do
But the sign it was repainted
In the chair was someone new

I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

Chorus:

Chapter one says you promise
The vestry everything

Chapter two you show ‘em
That big ol’ bishop’s ring

In chapter three remember
The enormities of Rome

In chapter four you break up
To find that perfect home

Oh I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

Baby, baby, baby
I’m valid yes I am
Well it says so in this big ol’chart
And succession diagram

Oh I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

(Chorus)

Oh I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

Baby, baby, baby
I’m valid yes I am
Well it says so in this big ol’chart
And succession diagram

I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

I, wonder who, (Yeah) who is my bishop now?

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT

Bishop of All Staines and Upper Dorking

(Motto: "You can't prove I'm not valid.")
*The sound of one Toad barking