Like Mushrooms

"The very idea of true Anglicanism is lost, and the term has been prostituted to the very worst of purposes. Anglican denominations, sir! Why, Anglican denominations spring up like mushrooms!"
-With Apologies to Sir Robert Walpole

Dear Toads and Toadettes,

It was just a matter of time. Like cow patties after a good rain, the "jurisdictions" are popping out after the cloudburst that was the ACNA hoedown in Texas. Did you boys and girls get a gander at all those priestesses down there? The Toad will have to bark about it, but first...

The Toad was sucking down an early morning Lime Rickey made with Sonic Drive-In Limeade when his brand new assistant, the Yapping Tadpole (get a aload of his fake degrees) hopped in breathlessly to Toad Manor. He was almost speechless. After a couple Sonic Lime Rickeys, the Tad pulled out a stack of research (he's got a fraudulent degree in it) about the newest Anglican "denominations." Could it be true, boys and girls? The Toad thought that Big Bob's ACNA Big Tent Gospel Show and Clergy Beauty Parlor was the only new Contining Church in town. Rawk.*

But no--not so. Not to be outperformed, there is the CACNA-The Conservative Anglican Church of North America under "Arch Bishop" (it's one word bunky!) Val E. Rose of Texas. This intrigued the Toad. He knew a Valley Rose from Texas, but the constabulary closed her place down. It's not a story for the little Toads and Toadettes wither, so don't ask.

While the Yapping Tadpole went out for more Sonic Drive-In Limeade, the Toad perused the CACNA pseudo-bona fides at their CACNA website. (The Toad likes saying CACNA, ok, pally? Sounds like Camp CaCna where he spent many painful summers as a young tad.) Here it is:

We are an Autocephalous Apostolic and Holy Catholic Church. We are a traditional and liturgical church. We are not in communion with Canterbury.

Looks like the main reason for the operation is to fix up church weddings for several "bishops" who "left the Roman Catholic priesthood, fell in love with beautiful, young ladies and were married [civilly]." At least they are not in communion with Canterbury, but, hey, who is? Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

They don't have any listed parishes and all five clergy are "bishops" or "Arch bishops", but (drum roll, please) they do have Saint James University, CACNA's "fully-accredited" seminary. The Toad was even more intrigued, but the "About" page was as empty as this fakeroo institution. The tuition and fees page was included; and, happily, boys and girls, this is one of the least expensive specious institutions going. At least you aren't getting ripped off. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

The Yapping Tad returned, fired up the blender and pointed to another variety of Anglican fungus The Christian Episcopal Church or "The XnEC (Xn = Christian, E = Episcopal, C= Church)". As opposed to Madam Jefferts-Schori's Pagan Episcopal Church in New York, this baby really jams down on the episcopate of all believers. It comes complete with four bishops, one priest, two deacons, and, oh yes one "arch deacon". (ONE word, damn it!) One of the parishes has been meeting in a Shrine Club, leading the Toad to wonder about how they work those little go-carts into the liturgy. That's just probably the Lime Rickeys talking. Rawk.*

But wait, there's more. Imitation being some form of flattery, my loyal assistant pointed out the Traditional Protestant Episcopal Church or TPEC. The Traditional Protestant Episcopal Church declares itself "in Christian humility to be the continuation of the original Protestant Episcopal Church USA." (Somebody call Squid-woman and her band of merry cephalopods know that TPEC beat ACNA to the punch. Send the lawsuits to TPEC.) No smells and bells for these Thirty-Nine Articles of Religion boys. Nosiree! No churches either. At least none listed other than the "Cathedral Parish of St. Francis at the Point". Guess it beats St. Bastard's-By-The-Bay. They've got twelve clergy-none of them women-and, thankfully, no seminary. The Toad doesn't have enough energy to skewer another one right now. No, boys and girls, its time for another pitcher of...you guessed it...Lime Rickeys:

Ingredients
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups gin
3/4 cup fresh lime juice (You can short-cut to drinking time with Sonic Drive-In Limeade!)
1 1/2 quarts chilled soda water
Thin slices of lime
Preparation
1. In a 1-quart pan, mix sugar with 1/2 cup water and stir over low heat until sugar is dissolved, about 5 minutes. Let cool or chill.
2. In a 3-quart pitcher, combine gin, lime juice, and the cooled syrup. Cover and freeze until ready to serve.
3. To serve, add soda water. Pour into ice-filled glasses and garnish with lime.

Lock up the credit card and Almy's telephone number, because eight or nine of these babys and it will be new continuing Anglican jurisdiction time for you, bunky. Rawwwwwwk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.Prelate-Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Church (Amphibious)-Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)

*The Sound of One Toad Barking

With

The Yapping Tadpole, B.D., D.D., S.T.D., M.A., Ph.D., M.Div., D.Min.,J.D.,M..D.,LLM,M.S.,M.S.H.R.M.,M.B.A.,M.H.A.,Th.D.,D.Mus.,Psy.D.Metropolitan Archbishop of the Okefenokee

See of the Everglades and Greater Florida Swamps

Defender of the Faith and Creator of All Things Anglican

Will you just look at all of those fraudulent degrees. (*sniff*) The boy makes an old Toad proud. Rawk.*