Proliferating Bishops

“OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as "unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.”
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

Good afternoon, Toads and Toadettes,
There’s big news out of the group CANA (Continuing Anglicans (are) Not Anglican) and their ceaseless toil for church unity. Among other things, Archbishops Peter Akinola in Nigeria and Gregory Venables in Argentina vowed to continue to defend parishes and dioceses seeking to leave the Episcopal Church. Surprise.

And here’s another surprise, four Episcopal dioceses are considering switching allegiance to foreign primates in protest against their church's support for homosexual “bishop” Gene Robinson, despite threats of disciplinary action from the Presiding Squid-Watcher if the ECUSA. (If you don’t get the reference, pally, you’ve been living in an other dimension. Rawk!*) With lots of references to Pastor Luther (nothing about “snow covered dung” though), the boys are cutting loose.

Ahhhh, but here’s where the road hits the rubber. The Virginia-based CANA (Continuing Anglicans (are really) Not Anglican) has announced that Akinola will consecrate four new bishops there in early December. These wheel re-inventors ultimately will have eight bishops for 30-35 churches.

Whoa! And you guys for years had a major jones about “all of the bishops” in the continuing Anglican churches? Who do you think you are, you bunch of Soapy Sams? Continuing churchmen have the franchise on bishop proliferation, and don’t forget it, pally!

The Toad received a copy of a helpful comment from one Fr. Blake Greenlee who says, “I'm sure that those planning the future of CANA have a plan and that they are now implementing it.” Yeah, Fr. G., and that would involve making enough of their buddies bishops so they have Episcopal throw-weight. (“We’ve got more bishops than you, nyah, nyah, nyah!”)

At the same time, all of those guys who’ve had a miter in the closet that they would try on in the privacy of their own rectories, can now get the prize they were so long denied in the old place. They can now emerge from the Episcopal closet-in the figurative sense, of course, since these jokers are all “orthodox”. (Say there, sport, is that hairspray on your hands? Rawwwwwwk!*)
With all of this rampant Lutheranism, perhaps they’fe just come up with a new formulation, “The Episcopate of All Believers”. Or, maybe, the “Priesthood of All Bishops”. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

But, wait there’s more! One writer had this to say: “I agree…that consecrating more bishops shows how foolish both Abp. Akinola and many US priests are.” And, yet another fellow asks, “Why does CANA, with 4 bishops already for 30-35 churches need four new ones?” But, then he answers his own question, “Everybody wants to be a bishop. How silly, self-preening and off-putting.”

Whoa, there! Self-preening? Is that like self-basting? And the Toad thought he had the corner on barbed commentary! Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Here’s what it boils down to, boys and girls. Everybody does want to be a bishop. It’s just due. Whether it’s the pathological need to be “in charge”, a messiah complex (“I am the only one who can save Anglicanism, reunite the East and West, and put Gondwanaland back together.”), or just “getting’ one’s due”, the purple derby has to stop.

The only thing that the Toad can say about this latest bit of bishop proliferation is that the candidates may have seen the inside of a legitimate seminary at some point. Of course, they’ve all been hanging out in ECUSA all this time, but, hey, pension trumps truth, and you can always grab a funny hat on the back end.

Well, the Toad has discovered the ultimate solution and has stolen it completely (with a minor modification or two) from the website of “John Not the Apostle”:

Inflatable Lifelike Mail-Order Bishop!

Are you having trouble getting the sort of episcopal supervision YOU want?Does your parish want the freedom of congregational rule without the stigma of COMING OUT as congregationals or presbyterians? Are you tired of bothering with those who disagree with you? Almy has heard your prayers and solved your problem! Now you can buy your OWN inflatable bishop, specially installed with download options to YOUR specifications! This bishop is guaranteed to say NOTHING which can surprise or offend!

NOW you can retain the HERITAGE and DIGNITY of episcopal visitation without worrying about heresy! The inflatable bishop comes with a sophisticated speaker system (activated by a remote control in YOUR hands!) programmed to pronounce absolution and benediction and words of confirmation and ordination--but only to those of whom YOU approve. Made of lifelike rubberite, the port-a-bishop has special velcro hands which attach to heads of confirmands and ordinands. Bishop deflates for safe, easy storage. Two models, to better accessorize your faith:

(a) Model 1928-AC. THE ANGLO-CATHOLIC, complete with 5 beautiful removable cape and mitre sets. $300.00
(b) Model 1928-lowprot. THE EVANGELICAL MODEL; left hand raised in warning, holding lifelike leatherette Bible. $150.00 (Please specify business suit or tweed jacket with oxford cloth clerical shirt in cheerful colours.)
Model 1928-lowprot is endorsed by the Prayer-Book Society.

PLEASE SPECIFY DIALECT OF YOUR EPISCOPAL VISITOR. Currently available: Oxbridge, Texan, Old South, Artistic Lisp*, and Rwandan *Model Discontinued.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT*The Sound of One Toad Barking