The Road To Smurfdom
(with apologies to F. Hayek)

"Enough fighting! Lets all have a smurfy day!”
-Papa Smurf (children's television character and new archbishop)

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

Seems like summer is just the right time to reinvent the wheel and other early tools. The big Anglican Church in North America (ACNA) hoedown in Texas is all done. The trimphalist reportage, pumped out on a scale that makes Hugo Chavez look like local public access programming, has died down (for now). And all of the good boys and girls have taken their tambourines home to Smurf Land, to sing happy Smurf songs and hire a few more legal Smurfs to fend off the evil Squid Woman and her crafty minions. The Toad has learned that the firm of Grumpy Smurf, Jokey Smurf, and Sleazy Smurf, LLC is available. Rawk!*

And just what is it that our happy "Anglican" Smurfs did while on their Lone Star holiday? Well, here's a surprise, they came up with a few more bishops including a new Archbishop a/k/a "Papa Smurf". Just look at that blue get up, bunky, and tell the Toad that ain't a Smurf. Rawk, rawk.*

Along with creating bishops and yet another Anglican jurisdiction in the United States, the Smurfs also wanted to be "fair" and "nice" to absolutely everyone except those tatty old homosexuals who caused the whole problem in Smurfdom in the first place. That is why you Toads and Toadettes will notice all of the lady Smurfs dressed up as smurf priestesses right next to the fat white Smurfs in Kente cloth stoles. It made the Toad nearly gag on the Blue Lagoon cocktail Manolo the butler here at Toad Manor had put together to celebrate the Texas Smurforama. Apparently, the learning curve in the new "province" is pretty short.

Okay, Papa Smurf did "deal" with this and many other issues, like where to find fuzzy Gothic blue vestments in East Potlatch, Texas. Here's what the Big Blue One had to say,

...for those who believe the ordination of women to be a grave error, and for those who believe it scripturally justifiable- reflecting Global Anglicanism-that we should be in mission together until God sorts us out. It is not perfect,but it is enough.

Well, there we go. We'll just drive on the way we have, little Smurfs, and wait for that burning bush to tell us what the "Big Guy" pretty well laid out already--"I didn't leave Holy Orders in the hands of the ladies, whether they be Smurfs or one of Squid Woman's familiars." Nope, nada, can't do it for all of the Blue Lagoons in a new "Province".

Just a couple of side notes here--first, the Toad wonders what ever happened to all of those other Anglicans? You know, the ones who have been clawing parishes out of the earth whilst Papa Smurf and all of his fellow "orthodox" Smurfs held on to their pieces of real Smurf property and looked down on them as "non-Smurfs". ("Here now, are you Bluish?")


Also, what about those brave allegedly "Anglo-Catholic" Smurfs? You know, boys and girls, the ones who actually know when you are supposed to wear blue vestments. (Hint: It ain't in summertime, pally.) How do they go off into happy Smurf Land with Big Blue and his hairspray squad? No, bunky, they are going to continue their "teaching mission" to the Church of Squid Woman and, hold on to your hat, to the Traditional Anglican Communion, "that the Priesthood of Jesus is not a functional leadership of bishops and priests, but the bishop/priest is the icon, the man Jesus being made visible to the Christian community." Here's news, pally: the "traditional" Anglicans have known about this little bit of information for, shall we say, some time. On the other hand, the Mistress of Invertibrates up in New York wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire, much less accept that "teaching." Rawwwwwwk.*

Then, there was an appearance by the "evangelical" Pastor Rick "Cross Marketing" Warren. To the sighs, ooohs, and ahhhs of the Smurfs, Pastor Rick reportedly "made his audience feel special" with one liners like, "You may lose the steeple, but you won't lose the people." Deep, very very deep. The Smurfs lapped up this thin-beer theology that fits on a coffee mug, or day planner, or t-shirt...well, you get it pally. No sacraments, no liturgy, just pull down screens and infotainment for the pastor looking to pack 'em in. And here's the really good part, boys and girls,

People look at Saddleback and say how large should a church get? That is the wrong question. The question is who should be left behind.

Well, apparently no one, for Pastor Rick. Not even a president who favors the killing of the little Smurfs. Nosirree, Pastor Rick just wanted to be included front and center in the coronation-all press is good press even if it means getting down with the godless. Man, that's inclusive. Almost like Squid Woman herself or certain members of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. (Toad wants to be "inclusive" in his criticism--he wouldn't want anyone to feel "bad" over being left out. Rawk, rawk.*)

Smurf Fest 'o9 even featured a real bishop Metropolitan Jonah of the OCA, who should receive a medal for the effort at talking some sense into the Blue People. The praise music must have been turned up too loud, as the cheering Smurfs seemed to have missed the message of the Orthodox trail boss. What would it take for "reconciliation" with the Smurfs? Here's the prescription for getting rid of the blues, ancient Church style:

Full affirmation of the orthodox Faith of the Apostles and Church Fathers, the seven Ecumenical Councils, the Nicene Creed in its original form (without the filioque clause inserted at the Council of Toledo, 589 A.D.), all seven
Sacraments and a rejection of 'the heresies of the Reformation.

Big Jonah listed a series of deal breakers with Big Blue Bob's vision of Smurfdom: Calvinism, anti-sacramentalism, iconoclasm, Gnosticism, and the ordination of women to the Presbyterate. Don't even start with that filioque clause, boys and girls. Whoa! That's laying it on the line, and pretty much says that "intercommunion" is over before it even starts. The Metropolitan pretty well hit on all of the things that define the Smurfland of the "re-Reformed." (Ok, maybe not the Gnosticism, but the Toad will bet even money on that bit.) Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

Bottom line, Toads and Toadettes, this is just another Protestant denomination. The whole attitude toward anyone else can be summed up in the words of one of the events "reporters" (an ACNA activist): "In my observation much of what is called 'Anglo-Catholic' is crypto-Roman, whether consciously or unconsciously." Crypto-Roman? Smurfs, rally! Light up the fires and toast a few of those Papists.

Nawwwww, bunky. The real A-Cs are just plain old Catholics of the English type trying to live out their church lives without snare drums and fellow parishioners babbling in "tongues" that sound vaguely like an auctioneer on benzidrene or someone speaking Czech with a mouthful of dry salt crackers. Rawwwk.*

All of this is billed by Papa Smurf as a "return to manful Christianity." Well, pally, a picture really is worth a thousand words. Rawwwwwwk.*

The Blue Lagoon
Ingredients:
1.5 Shots Russian Standard Vodka
1.5 Shots De Kuyper Blue Curaçao
Top up Lemonade
Ice it down.

In the words of the immortal Brainy Smurf, "Now Now! We all need to smurf down!" Five or six Blue Lagoons, and there'll be no problem with that

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil.
Prelate-Communion of Anglican Cranks in America (CACA) Original Jurisdiction (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking