Who’s Loves Ya’ Baby?

“If my bishop calls while am at lunch, can you tell me who he is?”
-Every Continuing Anglican Churchgoer

Well, Toads and Toadettes,

It’s the summer of the Toad’s discontent. Of course, it’s always the summer of his discontent. The other seasons too. Of course, “Creativity is discontent translated into arts.” How’s that for highbrow, bunky? Rawk!*

Anyway, after a couple of months of satisfaction fueled largely by generous quantities of Old Limey Gin®, the Toad discovered a lack of creativity. Obviously, the gin-to-blood ratio was off, but additional gin produced a sufficient level of discontent to be creative. And what better a target to get all creative on is there than “Continuing Anglicans”? Awww, get over it, bunky, they’ll all be gossiping and e-mailing about this column within ten minutes after the Toad pushes the big red “Send” button. Rawk, rawk!* (“Oooohhhh, Nigel, he’s so vicious and nasty. He almost made me forget to put in my vestment bids on eBay!”)

The latest news comes from the poor old Anglican Church in America, which is still waiting by the phone for that call from the Vatican like a teenage girl waiting for the captain of the football team to ring. (“Any minute now…any minute. Either he’ll ring or I’ll just die!”)
Make no mistake, bunky, more Catholics is better Catholics. At least that's the philosophy of the franchise holder. Not necessarily good Catholics, but, hey, who is? Rawk!*

However, while ACA management is waiting for Benedict to descend in a flaming chariot to come take everyone to some sort of Catholic Valhalla where there’s good music, decent liturgy, funny hats, and you can tellthe bishop to sod off if he gets too cheeky and it's still the Catholic Church, the parish pirates have been plunderin’.

Street rumor is that Jimmy “Morse Makes the Lips Move” Provence (a/k/a Provence of the Province) scored another parish off the ACA in his favored "grab-n-go" method of church growth. Jimmy’s gang, still looking for payback for the loss of more than half of its operation in two waves of departures, has long been after St. Luke’s Colorado Springs. "It's got property and is in an affluent area," said Robert Sherwood "Man Behind the Scenes" Morse. Well, boys and girls, after a careful hollowing out and disinformation campaign, the radio-voiced pirate prelate of St. Bastard’s-by-the-Bay nailed another one to the wall. The Toad sez here, be careful what you wish for, bunky!

At the same time, there is news that the Episcopal Missionary Church (Motto: “Yes, Damn It, We Do Still Exist.”) picked off the parish of St. Alban’s State College in a move by one "Bishop" Council Nedd. The "bishop", who the Toad keeps wanting to call Nedd Council, is a classic. A former lay member of the Anglican Catholic Church, the "bishop" went from layman to the episcopate at light speed under the self-described “Arch Bishop” Larry Johnson. John heads the 3 ½ member Anglican Church of Virginia, and, coincidentally, operates a table-top seminary previously jacked-up by the Toad, couldn’t keep his newest “bishop” on the farm. Nedd went to the EMC leaving Johnson with his customary three clergy and impressive bevy of paper churches. In the meantime, "Bishop" Nedd, taking a page from his mentor, also ginned up a seminary, St. Alcuin House, “accredited” by the ever-specious Oxford Educational Network/Wolsey Hall as previously reported in these august pages. Go look it up yourself, bunky, the Toad can’t tarry over links today.

How did a guy like this poach a long-standing parish with its own paid off property undoubtedly to be his “pro-cathedral”? The Toad did some digging and found out that the parish just couldn’t get clergy from its ACA bishop. In fact, the bishop had no contact with the parish for more than six months, according to an e-mail from an alert reader. The correspondent told the Toad there were clergy--actual real, validly ordained clergy--willing to cover until a permanent guy could be located. But they were pulled by diocesan management and the parish left to dangle. Apparently, the ordinary involved was entirely too busy figuring out how to prolong his overdue “mandatory” retirement than to worry with the niceties of overseeing a parish. (Here’s a hint: this guy’s synod is next week. Watch the fun.)

At that point, the good ship Vagante sailed right in, and another continuing Anglican bishop has window dressing for his show.

The Toad doesn’t even want to know what ultimately will happen, although he has a pretty good guess. He’ll just note that nature doesn’t like a vacuum, ecclesiastical or otherwise, and you can never predict what the Big Hoover will suck in to an empty space. And here’s the rub, boys and girls, Rome ain’t going to scoop in all the stuff that’s in the storm drains of Anglicanism. The uneducated, the fraudulently educated, the unformed, the criminal and the just plain crazy aren’t getting in. Just how big is that percentage in the continuing Church? All the Toad hears is that giant sucking noise. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

After watching this latest set of sorry circumstances, the Toad sent to Vinnie’s Liquorama for an extra-large shipment of Old Limey Gin®, quinine water and ice. He plans to lounge by the pond and get sufficiently oiled to join the Toads and Toadettes singing doo-wop under the summer lamplight. Now, where’s that comb and pomade?

Who Is My Bishop Now?
(with apologies to “The Monotones”)

I wonder wonder who, oouu, who
Who is my bishop now?

Tell me, tell me, tell me
Oh who is my bishop now?

I've got to know the answer
Was it someone from above

I wonder wonder who, be-do-do who
Whose got the purple glove?

I, I went to church this mornin'
Just like I always do
But the sign it was repainted
In the chair was someone new

I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

Chorus:

Chapter one says you promise
The vestry everything

Chapter two you show ‘em
That big ol’ bishop’s ring

In chapter three remember
The enormities of Rome

In chapter four you break up
To find that perfect home

Oh I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

Baby, baby, baby
I’m valid yes I am
Well it says so in this big ol’chart
And succession diagram

Oh I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

(Chorus)

Oh I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

Baby, baby, baby
I’m valid yes I am
Well it says so in this big ol’chart
And succession diagram

I wonder wonder who, be-doooo who
Who is my bishop now?

I, wonder who, (Yeah) who is my bishop now?

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT

Bishop of All Staines and Upper Dorking

(Motto: "You can't prove I'm not valid.")
*The sound of one Toad barking