FRIENDLESS



“FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.”-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Hello, Boys and Girls,

It's been awhile. I've been away, and the where, what, and why are none of your business. Capisce? Who do you think you are, anyway? Mike Wallace? Well, the Toad's got your sixty minutes...I got it right here, pally.

Needless to say, we've been rusticating someplace warm, lamenting the fact that satire brings us no friends at all. Only the little guy in the white monkey jacket by the pool who keeps bringing those drinks with the little umbrellas in them. Well, the Toad was happily sucking down Caipirinhas and other tropical cocktails made with un-aged cachaça (for you untutored grads of mail-order academe, that's fresh sugarcane juice that's fermented and distilled), when my agent called and reminded me that if I didn't satirize something soon, I'd lose the extensive royalties I get from this column. That and the only addiction stronger than cachaça--utterance of truth and common sense--brought me back to the upper southern midwest faster than fake clergyman to an offering plate.

Egads, toads and toadettes, in my absence fake seminaries have grown like mushrooms, there are at least 40 or 50 new "catholic" denominations, not to mention an assortment of other wing nuts, and the "mainstream" has not diasppointed. Nosiree! Just look here.

The Church of England will tomorrow officially apologize to Charles Darwin for "misunderstanding" his theory of evolution. In what has been called a "bizarre step" (and aren't t hey all of late), the good ol' CofE will address its contrition directly to the Victorian scientist himself, even though he died 126 years ago. The move was greeted with derision last night, even before the Toad could put electronic ink on the page. Darwin’s great-great-grandson dismissed it as "pointless" and other critics branding it "ludicrous". Rawk, rawk, rawk!* What an understatement, boys and girls.

But, wait, there's more. Terry Sanderson, president of the National Secular Association,-that's the National Secular Association-said: ‘It does seem rather crazy for an institution to address an apology to an individual so long after his death. ‘As well as being much too late, the message strikes me as insincere, as if there is an unspoken “but” behind the text.

Yes, boys and girls, there is an unspoken "butt" behind the text--the bespectacled, bearded pagan who is the trainmaster at Crazytown Station--Rowan "Mr. Muddle" Williams. It's all about being nice, though, isn't it? Just like the imposition of Sharia Law is "inevitable" in Britain. That's going to cut into the Toad's travel plans.

Of course, "a less critical tone was struck by Horace Barlow, 87, from Cambridge, who is Darwin’s great-grandson." Grand old Horace thought it would be spiffing for his ancestor "to hear the Church’s apology." (Let's be clear, here--the "Church" being the CofE, not to be confused with a Christian denomination.) "They buried him in Westminster Abbey," said Mr. Barlow, "which I suppose was an apology of sorts." Here's the clincher from Monkey boy's progeny: "‘Darwin was very concerned about offending other people as his wife Emma was a committed Christian..." As to Darwin's commitments, Horace-baby doesn't say. bunky.

It's this kind of narcissistic crapola that has revived, enlivened, and even emboldened the Toad. That and the drink pronounced 'KIE-PUR-REEN-YAH', popular among international crowds as on Copacabana Beach. Traditional caipirinha (and, by heaven, the Toad is "traditional") is made with cachaça, sugar, and crushed limes, served over ice. It is always muddled (not like Uncle Rowan, but crushed with a masher or the blunt end of a wooden spoon). Boys and girls, make sure to muddle in a shaker or a sturdy, non-breakable glass. You can also try replacing lime with about 1/2 cup of fresh tangerine, star fruit, passion fruit, peach, pear, pineapple, plum, orange, mango, grape, guava, figs, etc.Caipirissima is a cocktail like caipirinha, mixed with rum instead of cachaça. If mixed with sake instead of cachaça, the drink is called caipisake--although, haven't we had entirely too much of that sort of thing. I think a number of Caipisake C-100s sank the USS Lexington--or at least it provides the Toad's new ground transportation. Check it out and don't get in the way.



So, there we are. Friendless. Truthtelling and common sense-advocating. But, you know, I gotta' bike and a pitcher of Caipirinhas (pronounced "KIE-PUR-REEN-YAHS"). And you don't.

As for the the Toad? Well, he's as hot among international crowds as he is on Copacabana Beach.

So we're back. Pokin', jabbin', low blow hittin' and always, always takin' time out to savage a fraud, fake, poseur, mail-order clergyman, the "school" that trained him and the "bishop" that ordained him. We also aren't beneath taking a shot or three at the silliness of the "mainstream" church. So, be advised, be warned and be very afraid. The Toad is back, and he is satirized for your protection.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous "Capisake" Toad,
DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)
Guest Degree: DD Laud Hall (C'mon--you can't prove it's not real!)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking