Masonic Musings


"But if any of you could put in a word for me I'd love to be a mason. Masonry opens doors. I'd be very quiet, I was a bit on edge just now but if I were a mason I'd sit at the back and not get in anyone's way....I've got a second-hand apron...I nearly got in at Hendon."-John Cleese, "The Architect's Sketch"


Ok, Boys and Girls,

The Toad is back at it. We begin with a little test--no, it's not the one you get from a fake seminary. This one is for free. Today’s quiz relates to Who’s Satanic Now? Our first question comes from Mrs. H. Bristols in Cheapstowe who asks, “Who’s that devilishly hairy fellow running the Church?” Well, Mrs. B., surprise, it’s old Nick himself! (And we don’t mean Jolly Old Saint, either.) It is the hirsute one-Mr. Eyebrows himself. (That's right, bunky, go to a real school and you'll learn words like "hirsute". Rawk.*)

Now it seems like Rowan the Druid, Rowan the Moslem, Rowan the Anything-Goes-But-Christianity, doesn’t like Freemasons. Doesn't want the clergy to learn the secret handshake either. By the side of the average CofE parish these days, Freemasons seem quite innocent. Next thing you know, he'll be telling us that the world is run by a gang comprised of the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission and the Skull and Bones Society. Ok, the last part is true, but not the Freemasons. They couldn't organize a get-drunk in a brewery.

Oh, yeah, sure they can do those intricate patterns in the little go-carts with 300 pound fez-sporting hefties zooming about, frightening the children. And it is rumored that they can put on a dandy evening of intricate "ceremony" that usually has someone in an apron insulting another similarly clad about how, "this wasn't done in the old days when people knew their ritual." Shades of the Tridentine Mass crowd or at least a fruiting-good, high-church Anglican whoop-de-do with pink gin in the sacristy after. But, Satanic? The bearded clown of Canterbury ought to leave the low-rent, amateur gnostics like the poor Freemasons alone.

The Toad thinks its just too easy. You don't have to be a certain vitriolic, Kiwi, semi-baptist with a spurious D.D. degree to play "spot the demon" with old Rowan. No sireee. This would be the same Archbishop of Canterbury who caused just a wee bit of controversy by praising the Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials - a work that is anti-Christian, at best. A mere bagatelle. This would be the guy who paints himself blue for a little innocent pagan ritual. Oh, yes, he's also the fellow who heads the purportedly Christian denomination with transgendered priestesses. (The Toad notes here that he once owned a '68 Pontiac Lesbitrangay--couldn't keep it going in any one direction.) This would also be the same Rowan Williams who frets over how to accommodate his alleged church to Moslems. When faced with all of this, a spokesman for the Church of England quickly replied, "As far as we are concerned, there is no incompatibility between Christianity and our organisation whatsoever."


But, as the Toad sips his "Masonic Cocktail", he supposes that there must be some responsible thinking on the subject of Masons outside of a Chick Tract or Tony Alamo website. Well, Toads and Toadettes, the predecessor to the Orthodox Church in America has had bad news for the "Craft" since the '50s. It cautions members, especially the pastors, of the incompatibility of membership in the saving Church of Christ and simultaneously membership in Masonic Lodges, which are a mixture of pagan and other religions with certain secret "initiations" as a fixed ritual of the order...." Ooops, that would be "pagan" with a capital "p" that rhymes with "d" and that stands for "damned". And this would differ from "mainstream" Anglicanism how?

but wait, there's more. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, then Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, issued a declaration that the judgment of the Church on Masonry remains unchanged, because the Masonic principles are irreconcilable with the Church's teaching ("earum principia semper iconcilabilia habita sunt cum Ecclesiae doctrina"), and that Catholics who join the Masons are in the state of grave sin and may not receive Holy Communion. Yeow! Stick a fork in you 'cause you are sacramentally done, Mason-boy.



There you have it--two out of three, with the Grand Bard of the Mystic Grove counting as an actual vote in favor of remaining in the "Brotherhood". Better give up that Masonic ring or get a pop up thermometer to tell when you're done. At least it's not Uncle Rowan telling you to lay off the secret handshake. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

As for the Toad, he refrains from any club that would have him as a member, although he is partial to the fez as headwear. So, the Toad plans to start his own "Morgan Affair." (Look it up, pally!) How about this for a ritual that leaves you a mindless...well...Zombie...

- 1 oz Light Rum

- 1 oz Anejo Rum

- 1/4 oz 151 Proof Rum

- 1/2 oz Apricot Brandy

- 1 oz Pineapple Juice

- 1 oz Lime Juice

- 2 oz Orange Juice

- 1 cup Crushed Ice

- 1 tsp Superfine Sugar

- Garnish: cherry, orange slice, mint sprig

All served up in a Cocktail Glass, fez boy. It will put you Plumb straight. And that's on the Square. Raaaawwwwwk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,



Right Worshipful Bro. Roy Aldous "Albert Pike" Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)
Mystic Lodge of the Sea, No. 1313
*The Sound of One Toad Barking