Left Way Behind

"I knew before everybody disappeared," she said, pitifully. "And then I knew for sure. With every plague and judgment, I shook my fist in God's face. He tried to reach me, but I had my own life. I wasn't going to be subservient to anybody."
-Armageddon by best-selling authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

"I wasn't going to be subservient to anybody." Well, now, doesn't that quote tell a story on its own?

Frequently, hopping through the backwaters of the web looking for grist for some new bit of adoxography lead the Toad to some items even more dubious than membership figures amongst continuing Anglican "jurisdictions" where no one is "subservient to anybody" and life is good in the land of the episcopate of all believers.

The Toad loves the grandiloquent websites, the apostolic lineage charts resembling the wiring diagram of an F-18, and the outrageous membership numbers. Why, the numbers claimed in India alone boggle the mind! One of the Toad's personal favorites is the preposterous assertion that "traditional bishops" of something called the ACIC ("Anglican Church Independent Communion") and ACOVA (Anglican Church of Virginia) "have united over 600,000 Anglicans having more than 900 parishes and missions." Pretty nifty shooting for a group founded in 2001 that has (insofar as our crack research team can identify), perhaps half dozen clergy and nine "parishes", four of which are run by the same guy, and one of which is the primate's house.

Of course, this microscopic group claims that, "Virginia is the new 'seat of communion' for Anglicans." That's probably news to, oh, the tens of millions of other Anglicans we are sure will be on pilgrimage to the Commonwealth once they get the word about that new "seat". Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

We'll be be getting back to the likes of ACIC, ACOVA and ACID. The toad isn't kidding, boys and girls-this last one is billed as an umbrella group on the ACIC site. And we thought it was just the the recreational origin of some of the claims the Toad finds on websites like this!

The Barking Toad be paying them a virtual visit, because they too have a "seminary"-the "Anglican Seminary of VA"-identified by an alert reader as literally consisting of a table and plastic lawn chairs in what looks to be the "dean's" sun porch or dinette. Wow! There's even a photo! At least there is some truth in advertising. Oh, yes, the fact that the dean's "Doctorate in Ministry" is from good old St. Georgie's which is legally proscribed from offering degrees makes this just too attractive.

It's always best to remember: don't tempt the Toad!

But, we are not just about putting the smackdown on fringers, frauds and collection plate artistes. No indeedy! The Toad has his serious side too. After 72 straight hours of reading the Left Behind novels about the "Tribulation" fueled by entirely too much gin, Dr. Toad found himself pondering the big questions:

Are we living in the last days?
What does the future hold?
How will the future affect my world?

Fortunately for the Toad, one site had the answers! Courtesy of the good people at Ship of Fools (The Magazine of Christian Unrest), I found http://www.nonraptured.com/ Good gracious, boys and girls, the site description says it all:

"If you're like the authors of this site, you know that when Jesus returns and takes the saints with him during The Rapture, it's not likely you'll be among them. So where's that leave you? Well for starters, trying to get by back on earth during seven years of tribulation and the reign of the Anti-Christ. In the coming days, this site will be your guide to surviving and even thriving during this time of turmoil. You will get tips on everything from what stocks will boom while commerce is controlled by the anti-Christ to how to minimize inheritance tax on gifts left by raptured relatives."

Well, well, well. Turning a little cash out of the end times seems as likely as getting a legitimate degree from some of the institutions at which we are barking. The Toad took a look at the investment section of Non-Raptured which gives some valuable tips for September 13, 2007 (mark that date) when "unbelievers on Earth given their just rewards." http://www.nonraptured.com/invest.htm

The authors point out that, "Of course for many investors, [this] does not bode well. Use early 2007 to transfer your holdings into CDs and bonds and out of flexibly priced securities to minimize the impact of this 'just rewards' stuff on your portfolio. Bear in mind that everyone else on earth will be receiving their just rewards too. Have cash and gold on hand for buying opportunities and let your most sinful friends know you're willing to give cash value for their assets in a pinch. Don't focus on what the 'just rewards' are doing to your net value, focus on that neighbor who's been kissing up to the anti-Christ. On September 14, you could be driving his Mercedes."

Now there's news you can use. It sure is better than a cardboard collar, boxtop biretta and plastic pectoral cross you got for attending the E-piscopal Seminary of the Internet and Home Locksmithing Course!

If you must, though, you can sign up for "Prophecy Club", a division of the Left Behind operation that consists of "a website and newsletter to help you understand how current events may actually relate to End Times prophecy. Each week you will get Interpreting the Signs, an online newsletter featuring Tim LaHaye, Jerry Jenkins, Mark Hitchcock and other End Times scholars" that seems a sort of Kiplinger Investor's letter for the Apocalypse.

The Toad guesses somebody was cutting classes at seminary the day they taught that bit about "But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father." Or, "It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power." (That would be Mark 13:32 and Acts 1:7, respectively for St. George's alums!) Oh, well, a book sold is a royalty banked.

Now it's time for the Toad to chill down the Bombay Sapphire and get out Charles Williams' All Hallow's Eve. I'll take my eschatological images in their leanest, purest form--shaken, not stirred. And I won't have to buy the newsletter.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking