We're Back! Where are the presents?

(at left, Dr. Toad and staff member at office party, Christmas 2007)

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.-Phyllis Diller

Good Morning, Toads and Toadettes,

After a bit of time off, all of it well deserved, pally, we are back and barking. As we approach the Nativity, the Toad is pondering Christmas presents--for him. And so it is that our good friends over at Ship of Fools give us the Twelve Days of Kitschmas which you can find here:

http://shipoffools.com/kitschmas/index.html

These are billed as "twelve righteous and deserving products, plus a special item for the 13th day" of Christmas. The Toad is deeply torn among the St. Sebastian Pincushion (ouch!), the 512 Mb. Maria Memory Stick ("Oh, Blessed Maria, keep my data safe."), or the "Coffin Glamour Calendar".
Yes, here it is, boys and girls, "the frankly sexy Padre Pio casket, hand-crafted in Italian oak with a fully adjustable interior lovingly tailored in crepe. It's a shame that a model accidentally wandered onto the set and got in the way of seeing this baby in all its glory." As Ship of Fools urges, this Christmas "Think outside the box! Order your copy of the Coffin Glamour Calendar for your church vestry." It's just 9.30 Euros. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Other contenders include the Pope's Cologne, Holy Toast, and a Hip Flask Bible. They were thinking of a matching Hip Flask Book of Common Prayer, but they couldn't decide between the 1662 and the 1928. So you'll just have to rely on the usual your trusty Cane Flask and Pocket Flask to see you through that Christmas Vigil and first Mass of Christmas. After all, we do like to stick with traditional liturgical appointments. Rawk!* The folks at the Prayer Book Society will have it sorted out by next Christmas, or at least a Study Committee appointed to prepare a report to begin to explore the issue. (This, of course, will be made available on their website for a mere 8.40 Euros.)

The Toad supposes that this is all more harmless than buying your loved one a fake seminary education and the Bishop's Quality Vestment Assortment (light-up crozier not includes) this Christmas. (244 Euros + VAT). The Toad supposes that other gift possibilities (for him, not you), would include the Footballing Jesus Figure (just $20 plus postage), Armor of God PJs (only $39.95 plus shipping), or the non-stick coating, Jesus Pan ("puts the image of Jesus RIGHT ON FOOD!"). Yeow!

The Toad, though, who has quite enough swag, has decided that the most appropriate gifts (for him, not you, ok?) are comestibles. Specifically, a case of William Wilberforce Freedom Ale from Westerham Brewing in the UK ("Amazing taste! How sweet the round...") or God's Wallop Christmas Brew would be nice. Or how about some He'Brew "the chosen beer"("This Chanukah, candles won't be the only thing getting lit!")? You can visit the sites here http://www.westerhambrewery.co.uk/ and here http://www.shmaltz.com/

And, there you are. You have some truly great Christmas gifts to send to me, Dr. Roy Aldous Toad. Now, it's back to the office party where this year's holiday theme is "A Smile, A Song, A Lawsuit". After sufficient quantities of He'Brew brand Genesis Ale from the fine people at Schmaltz Brewing Company, we'll be back. We have a few things to bark about before the end of the year as well as our donation checks to certain seminaries, and we want to be in the true spirit of Christmas for the effort.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,


Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

What’s In a Name?

"What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
-Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

How do you spell hubris? Ok-for those who have had a bit too much Grey Goose® vodka (the Toad likes his with a twist of lemming), the word means, according to its modern usage, exaggerated self pride or self-confidence. It is an overbearing pride, often resulting in fatal retribution. Well, that would fit the Toad to a T. But how about the “former” Archbishop of a certain continuing jurisdiction? He’s retired. Really. He's not running things anymore. Right. Pay no attention to the man in front of the library. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

So, it was with no trepidation (ain’t defining that for you) at all, that the Toad heard about a little building program going on. At a seminary. At a seminary in a continuing church jurisdiction about which it’s “dean” boasted that other major seminaries have weighed in-it's national material. Whooooo! Chum on the water! (Ok, for the Toad it’s more like “flies in the air”, but it just doesn’t ring right style-wise capisce?)

Some informed reader anonymously mailed the Toad a suave brochure entitled “St. Joseph of Arimathea Library.” As a fundraiser, it was very slick—lots and lots of money slick, with a proposed look of the biblioteque on the front, a floorplan in the interior, and, so help me, an “axonometric view” on the back. Yeow! The presentation’s gotta’ cost a bundle, and, given the stiffing this particular jurisdiction has given to its clergy, you’d better hope that the mailing is a donation. Otherwise, might be some ‘splainin’ to do. Ooops…sorry, it was done by the wholly- unrelated “St. Joseph of Arimathea Foundation”, which is completely unconnected to, oh, say, the Anglican Province of Christ the King. That would be the ever-decreasing body of oh, say, 1,800 folks is not mentioned anywhere in the brochure, at least in the copy sent to the Toad.. Get that, donors? Not anywhere.

Never mind that the website of that very same body counts this as “the seminary of the Anglican Province of Christ the King, a nationwide body of Christian Churches dedicated to maintaining traditional Episcopalian faith and practice in the United States.” Boy, the Toad could go a whole lot of places with that name "Episcopalian" (note the capital letter, rawk, rawk, rawk!*) And he will. Later. But, let’s turn to the moment to the front graphic of this little flyer. The crack technical staff at the Barking Toad has scanned it for your delectation.

What venerable, white-haired figure do you see in the foreground with hand extended Moses-like? Could it be the “retired” archbishop of the APCK? Say it isn’t so! No one could be possessed of that much hubris. It must be a cleverly-generated computer homunculus of some white-maned, gent in clerics standing outside of a non-existent building in Berkeley, California in which his office is located. Sure looks like a certain past-prelate. And we really like the limo in the foreground. Mercedes? Of course, always go top shelf, bunky!

But now to the meat of the reinvention of this seminary, now being subtly pushed as an adjunct to the University of California (fraudulizer® alert!). The priest who passed this to the Toad once was a contributor to this seminary--gave real jack to it and hucked his people to do the same. He has a number of good buddies in black who got out of it intact, with a pretty good education. (Many didn’t stay in one piece, but, that is a for another time, boys and girls. Wait for it.) It was supposed to be a two-year S.T.B. (not STD-that would be another problem) program to support a traditional Anglican Church. Non-accredited-ok, we’ll spot that-but residential and with a chapel and a real faculty. Oops, boys and girls! Guess the windows weren't closed against that rarified Berkeley air.

Lots of men started rolling through on the “battlefield commission” standard. You know, show up two weeks and be a priest. Different from St. Table Tops’ how? Oh, yeah, you get to drink in the "mystique of the episcopacy for two weeks".

Formation? Naw. Verification of ability? Naw. Green card? Not necessarily (at least says the palooka who sent this to the Toad.)

What we’ve got is a collapsing continuing church that’s trying to reinvent itself as a seminary and “campus ministry”-that would be the rowing team at old U.C., noted for their devotion to…well…something. Don’t look too closely out there at foundations or ownership or management stuff.

The Toad, who has been accused of going too light on “mainstream” continuers whoever they are, was challenged to confront this. Well, over some dry gin and moist towlettes we confronted the rest of the solicitation and faced the inevitable image: Tim and Tammy Bakker. By what name do you call hubris? Let’s pick a few.

You can have “Naming Opportunities” for this pile of rubble in Berkeley (Native--American for “Pay Too Much For Living With Godless Dopeheads”). Here are a few from the flier:

Solarium/reading Room $200,000
(that’s a lot of sun)
Kitchen $150,000
(hope there’s a ‘wave)
Courtyard $200,000
(we don’t have to build anything)
Water Feature $ 40,000
(Toad don’t wanna’ know)
Bookcase $ 20,000
(Ikea? Heard of it?)

The bottom line is an ambitious program for a continuing church that couldn’t even raise matching funds to meet a most generous matching grant to build parishes--er, build parishes..Great Commission...anyone out there? All of this comes a at a time when some in that “jurisdiction” came to their senses and sought to get away from a cult of personality. (Look at the figure in the picture. Can anyone say “Lenin’s Tomb”?)

So here it is, boys and girls. A once noble effort, admittedly with some fine graduates, abandons its roots to become a “seminary” and “student ministry” with no mention of “continuing Anglicanism” or even “Episcopalianism”. It’s trying to raise swag at $20k a bookcase for an operation that has how many full time students? And the Toad just knows that the big gun donors will be lining up…as long as they are off their medication.

Below-Not a Seminary (yet)

By all reports, the big cheese in this is a student of Russian history. Toad ain’t no ecclesiastic, but he is a political sort in the pond. Lessee’…Lenin, and later Stalin, gulls Western investors into plunking money into the Potemkin village of Russia. (GM, Armand Hammer…anyone listening?). Money is used for whatever purpose the leader deems. (How much is left over on a $20k bookcase?)

Peasants, kulaks, middle class and personal friends are killed off or exiled.

So, here it is. The second part of the name hubris-the older sense. In Ancient Greece, “hubris” referred to actions taken in order to shame the victim, thereby making oneself seem superior. Check out the guy in the courtyard in that first picture. He’s never done that. Or anyone on his board.

Boys and girls, hubris was a crime in classical Athens. It was considered the greatest sin of the ancient Greek world. The category of acts constituting hubris for the ancient Greeks apparently broadened from the original specific reference to molestation of a corpse (God knows, we don't want to molest or annoy our jurisdiction), or a humiliation of a defeated foe, to molestation, or “outrageous treatment,” in general. Let’s check the tally from the Continuum site: Edwards, Novak, Nalls, Hart. The Toad knows of more. But, what more do we need?

What’s in a name? The name is well...you know who he is...and it ain't Moses. And you can add your name to the mausoleum in the hope that amid the whited sepulcher, a few more good men are raised up. The Toad bets you can even have dinner at the Faculty Club.

When you are done, the Toad wants to put up a seminary close to home. Ann Arbor’s relaxed marijuana laws make it a great place for fund raising. A little of the old incense and the donors will name a hash pipe “Vince” for ten grand and not remember in the morning. At least they don’t want to remember. Rawwwwwwk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

GLORY, LAUD AND HONOR

“Behold, I am become a reproach to thy holy name, by serving any ambition and the sins of others; which though I did by the persuasion of other men, yet my own conscience did cheek and upbraid me in it."
-William Laud

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad is working on a double-header tonight. He received the e-mail below from astute reader Dr. Jonathan E. Larkin via the Toad’s Latvian ISP (their motto “servers for those who just don’t want to be found”). Dr. Larkin identifies himself as an “Adjunct Professor TLCGSM” at http://www.tlcgsm.com/ The link leads to a the site of “Trinity Learning Community Schools of Ministry”, “a non-profit educational institution located in Southern California that can help you find your place in the Bigger Story of God.” Whoa, there’s a big claim!

Apart from helping you know your place, TLCGSM, which appears to be attached to three “Vineyard” churches, offers a Bachelor of Christian Studies and a Master of Ministry through its website. A decidedly Protestant, evangelical operation, this seminary has more letters in its name than the average continuing church. It does, though, have a tie to St. Stephens University which is chartered by the Canadian province of New Brunswick to grant Bachelor's and Master's degrees. These guys actually appear to require some time on a real campus, and not just sitting round the big table at Ho-Jo’s on Clam Night. One problem: their faculty list doesn’t seem to include Dr. Larkin. Perhaps an oversight. Rawk!*

So, it goes, boys and girls. But Dr. Larkin does provide a defense of sorts (reprinted in its entirety below) for Laud Hall Seminary, the seminary of the United Anglican Church. Dr. Larkin identifies “Laud Hall as…simply a distance learning program that offers various degrees.” He goes on to note that Old Laud “is authorised by the State of Florida to grant their degrees, as you are probably aware State Licensing is the what makes a degree legally valid or not and in most states operating a school which grants degrees without state licensing is a criminal offense. State Licensing is also the prerequisite to becoming accredited, now Laud Hall it is not federally or regionally accredited which it emphasizes on the their web page but is allowed to grant degrees based on their State Authorization.”

Say who, say what? Ok—it ain’t accredited regionally or by the feds. The website of Old Laud actually admits that. And the Toad hates to differ, but state licensing does not “make a degree valid”. State licensing is just that-a ticket to do business in a state. (Oh, yeah-get over the British spellings, gang, they irritate the Toad’s spell check when he uses it.)
Ahhhh, but Old Laud’s “programs and degrees are theological and ministerial, not secular and academic. We wish to train ministers of the Gospel, which is our primary mission and task.” Very laudable. Just don’t try trading on that degree outside of your…well…denomination...sect….whatever…

Beyond a laudacious website, there’s not much on this one, gang. However, almost all of the warning lights on the “Seminary Fraudulizer” are blinking like Britney Spears in a cop’s flashlight. Rawk, rawk!

So, the Toad printed out the Laud Hall catalogue for a little perusal after reading this month’s issue of Amphibian Today. Let’s check ‘em off, boys and girls.

--Degrees can be purchased. (Seminarian to priest in five easy payments)-No proof of this here.

--There is a claim of accreditation when there is no evidence of this status.-At least these guys don’t make this claim or make a claim of accreditation from a questionable accrediting organization like, oh, say, the Confederazione Nazionale delle Università Popolari Italiane (CNUPI).

--The operation lacks state or federal licensure or authority to operate.-They laudably admit that.

--There is little if any attendance required of students, either online or in class. (Our school motto: “You never have to show up”.)—Well, they are, after all, a correspondence school.

--Few assignments required for students to earn credits.-No evidence either way here. Perhaps we can hear from an alum or two on the comments page.

--There is a very short period of time required to earn a degree. (“Our one-week M.Div. program allows for post office delays with your check.”)-Again, any of you Old Laud matriculators want to step up and be counted?

--Degrees are available based solely on experience or resume review. (“Siding salesman? You can have an S.T.L. in spirituality!”)-To their credit, no evidence of that.

--There are few requirements for graduation.-Well, they do have the catalogue…
--The operation fails to provide any information about a campus or business location or address and rely, e.g., only on a post office box?-There is an “Administrative Office” located at 1702 McKinley St., #9 Hollywood, FL 33020. Of course, as the website notes, Laud’s got legs, and has moved about a few times—even across state lines! Whoops!
--The operation fails to provide a list of its faculty and their qualifications.- Old Laud advertises, “Well qualified Faculty and Staff”. Other than the dean, there’s nary a prof in sight, much less a c.v.
--The operation makes claims in its publications for which there is no evidence.- Well, now, doesn’t this fit even a number of accredited institutions!

On the whole, toads and toadettes, there doesn’t seem to be much there, there. There’s the customary impressive big list o’courses, but the big board says that this one is another paper tiger.

Of course, the Barking Toad would love to hear from alums, faculty, neighbors with photos of the annual graduation barbecue, and such like. If they meet the Toad’s threshold (which is quite low), they’ll even get posted.

Meanwhile, the Toad is off for a little laudanum! (And maybe some blue vitriol Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Yr. Obed Serv.,
Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States University)

*The sound of one hyper-educated Toad barking

The Letter (Reprinted Without Change)

Hi Dr Toad,

I saw you list of seminaries, particularly Laud Hall Seminary.Laud Hall Seminary is the Seminary for the United Anglican Church which part of the continuing Anglican movement, as you are probably well aware the continuing Anglican Movement is rather fragmented and changes depending on splits and union etc. Laud Hall as it exists today is a simply a distance learning program that offers various degrees.

It is authorised by the State of Florida to grant their degrees,as you are probably aware State Licensing is the what makes a degree legally valid or not and in most states operating a school which grants degrees without state licensing is a criminal offense. State Licensing is also the prerequisite to becoming accredited, now Laud Hall it is not federally or regionally accredited which it emphasizes on the their web page but is allowed to grant degrees based on their State Authorization. There degree's are typically, three years for the MDiv or MTh with a prerequisite of Bachelors Degree or their own Licentiate program. There Doctoral program is generally 3-5 years with the appropriate prerequisites of an undergraduate qualification and a Masters Degree.

Below is a history of the Seminary

Laud Hall Seminary was chartered in 1962 to serve the Anglican Church as a vehicle for training Clergy and Laity. In the 1980s it was transferred to Texas in the Diocese of the Southwest of the Anglican Episcopal Church of North America. It was moved to Florida when the former President of the Seminary placed it under the direction of the Traditional Episcopal Church. In 1996, the Seminary was restructured, a Board of Regents was added, the schools and Faculty were expanded and the curriculum was completely revised, with the specific purpose of bringing the school into the 21st Century, placing it online, and making it a full degree-granting institution. This move was accomplished in early 1998 when all the final documents were signed and the State of Florida authorization was conferred. Following the union of the Traditional Episcopal Church with the Anglo-Catholic Church in the Americas, the Seminary came under the jurisdiction of the United Anglican Church in 2001.

I hope that this is of some use,

Regards,

Jonthan E Larkin

Dr Jonathan E Larkin

Adjunct Professor TLCGSM

http://www.tlcgsm.com/

Mother Lode for the Toad

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad has finally done it. No more will you have to shell out real dollars for fake degrees. You are free from having to deal with tabletop seminaries and having to suck up to specious scholastics. You won't have to wonder whether that suspect sheepsin will surface after you've hit the PayPal button for the St. Doenitz Seminart of the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Anglican Celtic Church of North America (Original Province). Nosiree, bunky!

Now you can go right to the source and get the whole magilla-diploma, transcript and letter of recommendation. The basic can be had right off the net, and the deluxe (and everyone wants the deluxe, right, boys and girls?) for a low, low price. How low, you ask? Well, let's look at the adert for Magic Mill at http://www.boxfreeconcepts.com/download/index.html:

Introducing the breakthrough concept in personal documents management!
Download 100% customizable templates and create impressive, precise credentials on your own PC! Fake Transcript Template*
Create perfect "transcripts"! Our off-line version of the Magic Mill fake transcript does it all:
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Transcript Template $6.00
Combo Deal-- get transcript template and diploma template for $8.00

But, wait, boys and girls, there's more!
Fake Diploma Template*

Create fantastic looking "diplomas" (view):
• You dream it up-- any fake universities, grad schools or degrees
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ALL PURCHASES ARE NONREFUNDABLE

The Diploma Template is $5.00 or you can get the "Combo Deal"- a transcript template and diploma template for $8.00. Want even more realism? Consider the Super Diploma Template!

But, why stop there? You can get other fake diploma templates:
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Undergraduate (Bachelor and Associate) or Graduate (Master and Doctor)?
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Don't have MS Word? Download the RTF Fake Diploma Maker.
Need it really large? Make giant 11 x 17 diplomas with the Mill's cheap and easy software.

The Toad tested these out, and came away with a new Doctor of Philosophy fron Carolina Coast University and a full undergraduate transcript from Suothern States University. The Toad even managed a 3.93 GPA with a major in philosophy and a minor in geology. Rock, rock, rock...er....Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

If these babies are good enough to fool the average employer, how impressive will they be when you trot 'em out on the average vagante bishop looking to add respectability to his operation. For that matter, you'll have a better fake degree than he does so you can just start your own church.

The Toad was most impressed with the recommendation letter he received from Prof. A.T. Buckpeshal in the Philosophy Department at Southern States U. (lovingly reprinted below) It brought a tear to the eye realizing how much old Bucky would do for his first and only amphibious student.

Of course, "by clicking the purchase button you agree to limit the use of your fake transcript and/or diploma template(s) to off-line activities solely related to entertainment. You agree the template file(s) will remain in your possession only and will not be copied for the purpose of selling or giving to others. You specifically agree that all 'educational institutions' typed onto a template will be limited to fictional entities created by you." Yeah, right. And Almy doesn't sell vestments to fake clergy either. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

So, have at it, boys and girls. No need to bother with that pesky schooling at all. Just stop down to the old Magic Mill and you'll be preachin' and reachin' (into the pockets of the faithful) faster than you can say, "Buckpeshal"!

Yr. Obed Serv.,

Roy Aldous Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, D.Phil. (Carolina Coast University); B.A. (summa cum laude)(Southern States Iniversity)
*The sound of one very educated Toad barking

Southern States University
Chapel Hill, Virginia
Philosophy Department

To whom it may concern:

Let me take this opportunity to glowingly praise Roy Aldous Toad. I had the pleasure of teaching Roy in several classes and got to know him quite well. I found him to be industrious, intelligent and very pleasant. Roy is an enthusiastic individual. He is considerate of others, always patient and blessed with a real ability to lead. In fact, in all my years of teaching here at Southern States University, I've never encountered a better all-round student.

If you are considering Roy for a job opening, I can assure you that you won't find a more earnest, loyal, hard-working or fair-minded employee. He is that rare person who was born to excel.

Sincerely,

A. T. Buckpeshal

A. T. Buckpeshal
Professor of Philosophy

Proliferating Bishops

“OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as "unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.”
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

Good afternoon, Toads and Toadettes,
There’s big news out of the group CANA (Continuing Anglicans (are) Not Anglican) and their ceaseless toil for church unity. Among other things, Archbishops Peter Akinola in Nigeria and Gregory Venables in Argentina vowed to continue to defend parishes and dioceses seeking to leave the Episcopal Church. Surprise.

And here’s another surprise, four Episcopal dioceses are considering switching allegiance to foreign primates in protest against their church's support for homosexual “bishop” Gene Robinson, despite threats of disciplinary action from the Presiding Squid-Watcher if the ECUSA. (If you don’t get the reference, pally, you’ve been living in an other dimension. Rawk!*) With lots of references to Pastor Luther (nothing about “snow covered dung” though), the boys are cutting loose.

Ahhhh, but here’s where the road hits the rubber. The Virginia-based CANA (Continuing Anglicans (are really) Not Anglican) has announced that Akinola will consecrate four new bishops there in early December. These wheel re-inventors ultimately will have eight bishops for 30-35 churches.

Whoa! And you guys for years had a major jones about “all of the bishops” in the continuing Anglican churches? Who do you think you are, you bunch of Soapy Sams? Continuing churchmen have the franchise on bishop proliferation, and don’t forget it, pally!

The Toad received a copy of a helpful comment from one Fr. Blake Greenlee who says, “I'm sure that those planning the future of CANA have a plan and that they are now implementing it.” Yeah, Fr. G., and that would involve making enough of their buddies bishops so they have Episcopal throw-weight. (“We’ve got more bishops than you, nyah, nyah, nyah!”)

At the same time, all of those guys who’ve had a miter in the closet that they would try on in the privacy of their own rectories, can now get the prize they were so long denied in the old place. They can now emerge from the Episcopal closet-in the figurative sense, of course, since these jokers are all “orthodox”. (Say there, sport, is that hairspray on your hands? Rawwwwwwk!*)
With all of this rampant Lutheranism, perhaps they’fe just come up with a new formulation, “The Episcopate of All Believers”. Or, maybe, the “Priesthood of All Bishops”. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

But, wait there’s more! One writer had this to say: “I agree…that consecrating more bishops shows how foolish both Abp. Akinola and many US priests are.” And, yet another fellow asks, “Why does CANA, with 4 bishops already for 30-35 churches need four new ones?” But, then he answers his own question, “Everybody wants to be a bishop. How silly, self-preening and off-putting.”

Whoa, there! Self-preening? Is that like self-basting? And the Toad thought he had the corner on barbed commentary! Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Here’s what it boils down to, boys and girls. Everybody does want to be a bishop. It’s just due. Whether it’s the pathological need to be “in charge”, a messiah complex (“I am the only one who can save Anglicanism, reunite the East and West, and put Gondwanaland back together.”), or just “getting’ one’s due”, the purple derby has to stop.

The only thing that the Toad can say about this latest bit of bishop proliferation is that the candidates may have seen the inside of a legitimate seminary at some point. Of course, they’ve all been hanging out in ECUSA all this time, but, hey, pension trumps truth, and you can always grab a funny hat on the back end.

Well, the Toad has discovered the ultimate solution and has stolen it completely (with a minor modification or two) from the website of “John Not the Apostle”:

Inflatable Lifelike Mail-Order Bishop!

Are you having trouble getting the sort of episcopal supervision YOU want?Does your parish want the freedom of congregational rule without the stigma of COMING OUT as congregationals or presbyterians? Are you tired of bothering with those who disagree with you? Almy has heard your prayers and solved your problem! Now you can buy your OWN inflatable bishop, specially installed with download options to YOUR specifications! This bishop is guaranteed to say NOTHING which can surprise or offend!

NOW you can retain the HERITAGE and DIGNITY of episcopal visitation without worrying about heresy! The inflatable bishop comes with a sophisticated speaker system (activated by a remote control in YOUR hands!) programmed to pronounce absolution and benediction and words of confirmation and ordination--but only to those of whom YOU approve. Made of lifelike rubberite, the port-a-bishop has special velcro hands which attach to heads of confirmands and ordinands. Bishop deflates for safe, easy storage. Two models, to better accessorize your faith:

(a) Model 1928-AC. THE ANGLO-CATHOLIC, complete with 5 beautiful removable cape and mitre sets. $300.00
(b) Model 1928-lowprot. THE EVANGELICAL MODEL; left hand raised in warning, holding lifelike leatherette Bible. $150.00 (Please specify business suit or tweed jacket with oxford cloth clerical shirt in cheerful colours.)
Model 1928-lowprot is endorsed by the Prayer-Book Society.

PLEASE SPECIFY DIALECT OF YOUR EPISCOPAL VISITOR. Currently available: Oxbridge, Texan, Old South, Artistic Lisp*, and Rwandan *Model Discontinued.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT*The Sound of One Toad Barking

Tank the Skank

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

There are many things that goad the Toad. He has some has some serious anger-management issues on a lot of things ranging from fake clergy, specious seminaries, and the outrageous claims of church “jurisdictions” (original or not) and “provinces” consisting of twenty “bishops”, their wives and house pets. (Or is that “animal companions”?) Did we mention specious seminaries? Where's my harp seal bat?

Only kidding. No harp seals were injured for this column, although we are thinking vestments--furry vestments...

Well, there are, in fact, other things that really get in the Toad’s wick. Most of them we don’t share because, frankly, pally, it’s none of your business. However, an alert reader sent an article to the Toad that bears on Halloween and the moral state of things.


It seems that bawdy Halloween costumes have become the season's hottest sellers in recent years. Not just for women, but for girls, too. Very young girls.

The Washington Post, about as valuable a moral arbiter as oh, say the Episcopal Church, reports on one 11 year-old who wanted to dress up as a sports referee for Halloween. The outfit she liked is described as having a “micro-mini black skirt and a form-fitting black and white-striped spandex top held together with black laces running up the flesh-exposing sides, thigh-high black go-go boots that could be bought as an accessory, and a little bunny on the chest. She also liked the Aqua Fairy, a vampy get-up with a black ripped-up skirt, black fishnet tights and blue bustier that comes in medium, large and preteen. A medium fits…wait for it…a child of 8.


There's a message in a costume like that, and that message is: "Hello, sailor!"


Or, how about the “Fairy-Licious Purrrfect Kitty Pre-Teen”, which, according to the package, includes a "pink and black dress with lace front bodice and sassy jagged skirt with tail. . . . Wings require some assembly"? (Seems to be a lot of fairies around this year.)


Boys and girls, your little one could also go for such girl and preteen costumes as Major Flirt in army green, the bellybutton-baring Devilicious and a sassy, miniskirted French Maid, pink feather duster included. (Didn't the Toad see this last one at a clergy convention? Rawk, rawk, rawk!*) Fishnet tights, once associated with smoky cabarets or strip joints, now come in girls' sizes and cost $3.99. What about the ghost costume made out of an old sheet with eyeholes?


Americans are expected to spend upwards of $5 billion this year on candy, ghoulish decorations and costumes. That’s more than most vagantes spend on e-bay vestments or seminaries!


The hottest trend in costumes, retailers say, is sexy. And young.

Suggestive costumes for girls have become so big that there is a separate pre-season fashion show. The Halloween costume trend is just a part of a far larger trend that young girls are becoming sexualized. Task forces of psychologists study the trend. Now, THERE'S a solution.


Maybe we can all just blame the teen movies like Mean Girls: "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." Or, maybe it’s the advent of skank culture in America-pushed by our constant saturation and fascination with big name sluts (kind of an honorific of late), or giving into products like the ubiquitous Bratz dolls that lead to little girls dressing up as “Bar Wench”, or “Cocktail Hunny-the half-angel, half-devil”, or “Hot Flash, a nurse with thigh-high garters.” Nice. Very nice.


Here’s a clue, toads and toadettes, if you all weren’t buying it, they wouldn’t be selling it. Get out the sheet and scissors.

In the meantime, there are a number of “clergy” out there doing their own version of dress up. (And, you were wondering how the Toad would get around to them, weren't you?) Don’t bother with formation or study. Oh, my, no bunky! Just go down to the costume shop…er, the liturgical supply house…and dress up.

The Toad’s personal favorite costume includes the purple gloves for prelates that can be taken on and off during the “liturgy” at appropriate dramatic moments, with the accompaniment of a tray bearer for the gloves and the episcopal ring. The Toad has heard from at least ten people who saw the continuing church bishop too did this is and is ready to name names. After Halloween, of course. Wouldn't want to mess about with the dress up.

Are these the "men" the ones to address the problem of a rapidly growing “skank nation”? Or, are you boys just skanks yourselves with higher-priced costumes that you can wear year-round? Rawk, rawk, rawk.*

Beware, for thus spake Toad, “If you are playing dress up, take ‘em off and put ‘em away. You are part of the problem, and the Toad is coming for you.”


As for the Toad this Halloween, he’s going for the Big Daddy self-adhesive hairy chest kit for $6.99. (He’s a Toad, it’s the only way to luxuriant chest hair.)

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

Now that's a real cannon of the Mass!

-from Dr. Toad's entry to the Ship Of Fools caption contest.

Good Evening Toads and Toadettes,

Looking for a little militans in your ecclesia? Here it is, boys and girls. No clown liturgy, fraudulent clergy or specious seminaries in the Diocese of St. Attila (Original Province). No, siree! And we have a coffee hour that will blow you away!

More caption fun at http://www.ship-of-fools.com/

Ship of Fools: The Magazine of Christian Unrest.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT

Of Clowns and Kings

"Then suddenly the Roman liturgy disappeared as we knew it."
-Richard Morris

Good afternoon, Toads and Toadettes,

In response to a comment from Rev'd Up, the Toad went trolling to bring you the absolute best of bad liturgy. These are guaranteed, uncut (well, mostly) amateur films of (well, mostly)Catholic liturgy. We have not been able to relocate the Franken-Mass, but these ought to have you buying a new monitor, pally.

First, the Toad has for your delectation an "Halloween Mass" replete with a corpulent devil distributing Holy Communion. And you all were worried about female acolytes? Take this from a little corner of the Church, boys and girls! Just so you know where to write, it took place at Corpus Christi Parish, Aliso Viejo, CA, Diocese of Orange, Bishop Tod Brown.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WadbbxPoBlk&mode=related&search=Oakland%20Diocese%20Clown%20Mass%20Catholic%20Heresy%20Halloween%20Liberal%20Homily%20Liturgical%20Abuse%20Barney%20Blessing%20Orange%20Tod%20Brown

Now, here's the same Bishop "Toddy" refusing the Sacrament to a kneeling woman until she stands up. The mariachi makes a great accompaniment. The Toad had to run for a Cuervo infusion just to get through this one. Rawk, rawk rawk.*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0yfdbxr7qM&mode=related&search=Oakland%20Diocese%20Clown%20Mass%20Catholic%20Heresy%20Halloween%20Liberal%20Homily%20Liturgical%20Abuse%20Barney%20Blessing%20Orange%20Tod%20Brown

Then there is the full on clown liturgy in the Diocese of Oakland shown in the picture above. Love the stole, padre! The explanation of the colors of the clown face as the "full embodiment of the Salvation story" is absolutely priceless. However, the invitation to vocation and the comments on celibacy by one of the clown-Mass team takes this little gem to a new depth as does the homilist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsC4wRPybpA&eurl

And finally, a little point and counterpoint, bad Masses juxtaposed against...well. just watch. Warning, there are scenes from Episcopal services in this one. The flaming-bowl-goddess-worship has, however, taken place in a Catholic seminary near the Toad's Abode. (And, no, he ain't telling you where that is, bunky! Just watch the film.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roPPBpk4vcA&mode=related&search=

Now, the Toad is going to take a hot shower, a cold drink and try to forget about clowns. They always frightened him, anyway.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

On Fire for God

“Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
-Warren Hutcherson, Stand-Up Comedian

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad likes miracles—really, he does. He also believes in the phenomena of miraculous apparitions granted by God to strengthen and sustain the faithful. He’s God, pally. You know, the Big Guy. He can play ‘em as he sees ‘em.

And, you know, old Nappy B. once said, “Great men are meteors designed to burn so that the earth may be lighted.” But, just as the Toad has doubts about certain seminaries, “churches” (particularly anything called an “original” jurisdiction, denomination or province), and other ecclesiastic ephemera, the Toad just can’t get behind stuff like the Madonna of the Cheese Sandwich. As well, he has a hard time getting his arm around clergy reincarnated as a briquette, or, for that matter, reincarnation at all--unless, of course, the Toad can come back as some spoiled, rich Hollywood type who can wrap his car around a busload of nuns and merely get sent to celebrity rehab.

This is why the Toad just had to check out an e-mail from an alert reader with too much time on his hands. It seems as though the late Holy Father, JPII, complete with his right hand raised in blessing, was spotted during a ceremony in Poland to mark the second anniversary of his death. It seems as though a bonfire was lit during a service at Beskid Zywiecki, close to John Paul's birthplace at Katowice, southern Poland, on April 2 - the second anniversary of his death. (The Toad questions the liturgical use of the bonfire unless it is being used for purposes of heresy adjustment, but, hey, it isn’t any worse than the Halloween Mass conducted by a priest in a Frankenstein costume last year. We did think, though, that we are trying to cut back on flamers in the Church, though. Rawk, rawk, rawk.*)

It seems as though hundreds attended the ceremony, and one Gregorz Lukasik, the Polish gent who took the snaps, said: "It was only afterwards when I got home and looked at the pictures that I realised I had something. I showed them to my brother and sister and they, like me, were convinced the flames had formed the image of Pope John Paul II. “ Absolutely no vodka was involved in this evaluation, no sirree!

Details of the late pope flambé appeared on the Vatican News Service, a TV station in Rome which specializes in religious news broadcasts. Then, pictures were broadcast continuously on Italian TV and also posted on religious websites, some of which crashed as thousands logged on to see for themselves the eerie figure formed by the flames.

Well, boys and girls, the Toad will leave it for you to decide. Is it the late JPII making a pilgrimage from the Larger Life? Or, was it a slow news night on Vatican TV that resulted in a bonfire of the inanities? The Toad prefers not to think of the Late Holy Father as a Marvel Comics character or a novelty drink called "The Flaming Pope." You know some hotel bartender already has thought of it.

As for the Toad, the whole thing reminds him of Hank “Walden” Thoreau, who wrote, “ Write while the heat is in you. The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with. He cannot inflame the minds of his audience.”

So, now that you all are suitably inflamed, go cool off.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

Gangsta Rap and the Ecclesiastic Life

I'm not a gangsta rapper. I rap about things that happen to me. I got shot five times. People was trying to kill me.
-Tupac Shakur (gangsta’ rapper, killed at age 25 in a drive by shooting)

I don't have no fear of death. My only fear is coming back reincarnated.
-Tupac Shakur

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

Out in Washington, D.C., Rep. Bobby Rush (D-Ill.) held a little hearing. Nothing unusual there: Congress holds more hearings then there are fraudulent seminaries and hokey prelates, although the latter may be more honest than many secular leaders—and better dressed. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

While the Toad usually stays away from readings of the Congressional Record, Bobby’s hearing, titled "From Imus to Industry: The Business of Stereotypes and Degrading Images," caught this amphibious one’s eye. Inspired by the furor over fired radio host Don Imus and his “ho” talk, the Bobster decided to get down with the problem of the cultural debasement by the makers of sexually depraved and racially charged rap music. The Toad doesn’t suppose a similar hearing could be held on the effects of the “pro-choice” industry on the culture, but, hey, we’ll take what we can get!

The Toad gives the congressman credit for a countercultural stand when he said this music of violence and degradation has ''reduced too many of our youngsters to automatons, those who don't recognize life, those who don't value life.'' He was unequivocal. “There is a problem -- a deep-seated, deeply rooted problem in our country,” he said. “The paycheck is not an excuse for being part of the problem.”

Well, it isn’t the cash paycheck that is the problem with the “roll your own catholic church” crowd, boys and girls. Nosiree! But it is some sort of emotional and spiritual payback that causes a pipe-fitter to play priest and a busboy to be a bishop. There must be something that makes a guy put up a website hawking a “seminary” offering “degrees” and asking the guy who woke up this morning and felt a “vocation” coming on for bucks to quench that spiritual fire. (Or, was it the refrieds you had last night while watching EWTN and complaining about modern liturgy?)

Maybe, it’s simply like the late Tupac said, “Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.” The Toad doubts it, though, but he ain’t no Continental philosopher-he’s a toad—the Toad—and the Toad knows metaphysics, the laws of supply and demand and a few other things he ponied up some good beer money to learn. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Nope. Even, for those who have some sort of theological training, there’s gotta’ be a return in declaring that their “jurisdiction” is the true church and ‘dissing the other folks. This ain’t psychology, it’s economics; it’s return on emotional capital. You want psychology, bunky? Do what the Toad does and call Dr. Phil’s radio show. (A word to the pathological, Dr. Phil only lets you call in once every couple of weeks, but Dr. Toad will let you comment your heart out. Just send me money—right now.)

But, here’s the rub for you “big” (and the Toad uses that term advisedly) “legitimate” continuing Anglicans, as well as you roll your own catholics who happen to have a bit of real training-what “authenticity” are you after? This seems to be the lynchpin for your existence, and is the basis for many florid and lengthy pronouncements, concordats and musings. The Toad is particularly fond of the lengthy exchanges by one continuing Anglican group (you know who you are) and its crafty minions questioning the authenticity of other groups. C’mon gang, this is a bit like Phillippe Dauman, the president of Viacom extolled the vile rantings of the gangsta’ piously pronouncing, “We have a responsibility to speak authentically to our viewers.” There you go, it’s all about a little authenticity.

The Toad suspects that much of this involves authority. Tupac summed it up when he said, “I think I'm a natural-born leader. I know how to bow down to authority if it's authority that I respect.” There you have it. I am a leader, but you know I just don’t respect the authority of those other guys, so I’ll get a website, a couple of fake degrees, some fancy duds and, I am my own authority. Gangsta’ church.

Well, boys and girls, “due to a growing feeling that the gangsta’ rappers have grown far too negative,” rap sales slid a whopping 21 percent from 2005 to 2006. Does that word “negative” ring a bell? There’s no negative in the gangsta’ church-just carefully worded statements providing a somewhat erudite veneer for dissin’ other Christians, followed by the old retreat and sneer. In the toad’s neighborhood, that will result in someone busting a cap in your ecclesiastic…well…in your Belgian lace surplice.

How about taking a look at those numbers among practitioners of drive-by Anglicanism, gangsta’ church or, for that matter, those who just believe “pimpin up da’ church” with e-bay frippery is the path to salvation? And what of the ecclesiastic equivalent of the gangsta’ name—you know, the “venerables” and “arches” and “doctors” that are the substitutes for “Ice-T”, “Snoop Dog”, and “Murder One”?

Well, the Toad is going to be after those numbers, and is going to post them here to bust that cap…at least in an editorial sense. And, bunky, you can make all of the internet statements about “numbers not being important” you want, but if you can hold church in your chopped Chevy, maybe you need to find another tune to sing. If gangsta’ church is a sickness, the public seems to be getting immunized, and the Toad aims to help. Why? Because, as St. Elvis said, “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away.”

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The Sound of One Toad Barking

SPECTATOR SHOES

Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.
-Epictetus

A man hasn't got a corner on virtue just because his shoes are shined.
-Anne Petry

The spectator shoe is also known as the "co-respondent."
-Wikipedia


Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

You know, boy and girls, the Toad is all about style. After all, isn’t that what the church style aspires to? Whether it’s a fancy get up snared after heated E-bay combat, or that retro martini shaker in on the empire drinks cart in the rectory, flash says cash even when there might be no “there” there. As Tommy Carlyle once pointed out, “The first purpose of clothes... was not warmth or decency, but ornament.... Among wild people, we find tattooing and painting even prior to clothes. The first spiritual want of a barbarous man is decoration; as indeed we still see among the barbarous classes in civilized countries.” And it looks like there are barbarians enough to go around.


You know what we are talking about—some of you out there reading the Toad are even living it. Whether it’s the fake sheepskin on the wall or the sumptuous vestments clothing the wolf, there are too many hanging on the trappings of the faith, and not building it up. Clothes, particularly clerical attire and vestments, can suggest, persuade, connote, insinuate, or, indeed, lie and apply subtle pressure. The result is written in the courthouse records or in Anson’s Bishops at Large or, in the event of the more outré cases, both.


It was in the course of this clothing-based reverie, the Toad pondered his spectator shoes-you know, two-tone beauties, a bit like saddle shoes. Mine are black and white, just like truth and falsehood, or the difference between fake and real clergy. Spectators are a theological and ecclesiological paradigm in footwear.


The Toad is reliably informed that other colors of spectators are not unheard of. One John Lobb, the famous English boot maker (and suspected seminary dean), claims to have designed the first spectator as a cricket shoe in 1868. They became popular as dressy sports shoes, after the Duke of Windsor adopted them. And, hey, if the Duke of Windsor is wearing them, well they have to be right.


Mind you, bunky, the Toad ain’t giving up his sense of aesthetics particularly on clothes. After all, it is a Dickensian axiom that, “Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed.” And, the Toad, while never in good temper, is always in good spirits. In the Toad’s view, though, just like fake seminaries, the more covering one sees on one of these ecclesiastic swells, the more Toad wonders what or who or how many folks are lurking under them. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*


It is the difference between a spectator and a co-respondent—a light and darkness motif in shoe leather. Now, you remember, co-respondents, don’t you boys and girls? They were those oily guys with the pencil-thin moustaches, slicked hair and natty suits who were essential to the English divorce case. After all, ‘twas a time when you needed adultery to get unhitched, and, whether photographed climbing out the window or caught in flagrante, the co-respondent was a vital player in the drama. In fact, a cottage industry arose to deal with those divorce cases in which adultery wasn’t present. Specious adulterers would be commissioned to provide the necessary condition to get the parties unhitched, sometimes appearing in several cases a week, in sporting attire right down to the co-respondent shoes.


The point is that like the Toad’s spiffy spectators, which either can glide him across the dance floor or get put where the sun don’t shine, church aesthetics can be used for good or bad. A snazzy cope can clothe the devout priest or bishop, or it can camouflage the scoundrel. Just cruise on over to the links on Anglicans Online http://anglicansonline.org/ or one of the Independent Catholic Movement http://www.ind-movement.org/ (sort of free-range “catholics”) pages and check out the finery. There’s a lot of trimming on those ecclesiastic trees. The Toad particularly likes the onion dome miter for evening wear.


Maybe it’s just the case that, when you can't do something truly useful, you tend to vent the pent up energy in something useless but available, like snappy dressing.” Perhaps fashion is like the id: it makes you desire things you shouldn't, like pretending to be a fully-formed and trained deacon, priest, bishop, archbishop, archimandrite or cut-rate pope. Or, maybe, it is just a matter of spectators gone bad, and turned into co-respondents.


The Toad may be cynical, after all he has been around the ecclesiastical block once or twice. The Toad philosophy is not as cynical as good, old Hermie “Where’s me leg?” Melville, who noted, “Stripped of the cunning artifices of the tailor, and standing forth in the garb of Eden - what a sorry set of round-shouldered, spindle-shanked, crane-necked varlets would civilized men appear!”


Nevertheless, we just have to bark about the folks who dress up like Spanish madrigals and construct internet “jurisdictions”, “communions” and “seminaries” clad with similar electronic finery, all sprinkled with the initials of hoked-up degrees and whole-cloth religious “orders”. (On this latter topic, if you are a married, 350-pounder with a day job at Wal-Mart and ESPN on the cable, you ain’t no monk, pally. so take off the faked-up Cistercian get-up already or the Toad’s gonna’ come for you!)

The co-respondents have gotten so bold as to trade on their trappings in the public arena. Just this week the toad learned of one skeezer who, in addition to having more e-Bay acquired religious accessories than Barbie® has outfits, has obtained a public office trading on a masters and doctorate obtained from a now closed diploma mill, and a purported undergraduate degree from an institution that never has offered a major in that discipline. Geez-don’t people do background checks any more? But, he looks marvelous!

If that weren’t bad enough, the Toad also received a noxious bit of e-mail reporting on an “Anglican continuing church priest” who really took it downtown. Seems that he was holding himself out as a physician and was writing scrips and giving injections. Guess he needed a “tentmaker” job to keep up on the Almy payments. Rawk, rawk, rawk!* (Left) R. Vilatte, Bishop Co-Respondent and Man About Town

Bottom line, gang, if you are wearing co-respondents, at best you are harming the faithful and putting your own soul at risk. Find a better hobby than playing church (or doctor), or at least pony up for the premium cable package to keep you off the street. Better that than getting found out, and, find you out we will, pally.

Meantime, the Toad is polishing up the spectators for a night of gin and skittles at the ballroom dance competition. At least unlike the co-respondent wearers of “independent catholic
land”, he knows that the 1940s are over and his zoot suit with the reet pleat and snap brim are fashion accessories to a fantasy.

As for you alleged clergy who are fakin’ it through, “Those who make their dress a principal part of themselves, will, in general, become of no more value than their dress.” (William Hazlitt, On the Clerical Character, 1819). Or, in the words of Sam Spade in the Maltese Falcon, “The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the pattern.”

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT, TIAD**
*The sound of one Toad Barking
**Truth Is an Absolute Defense

Martini-ism in America

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”
-Hunter S. Thompson

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

Once again, the Toad has been trolling the backwaters and brackish bayous of Christendom these last few days applying the fraudulizer™ to a few select institutions for your delectation. Some time ago, we had visited the Table-Top “seminary” of the Anglican Church of Virginia. However, the, shall we say, extravagant claims of this little group to membership caused us to take a closer look.

In its lengthy news page, the ACOVA boasts new “international” bishops added to its already star-studded retinue. The group included one Rt. Rev. Lic I. Canot, and the name proved too unusual to keep from looking. These groups are like bad motor accidents: you just don’t want to gaze on the unsightly carnage, but you just have to. So we hopped on over to Bp. Canot’s group, the IGLESIA ANGLICANA LATINO-AMERICANA in the Dominican Republic only to find some baby pictures of somebody’s little bishop in training and the Spanish version of the usual web façade of another tiny group. But, by heavens, the links page entitled “Cristianismo” provided the real pay dirt, the kind of outré stuff that makes it all worthwhile.

ACOVA’s newest buddies are tied in some way, perhaps through the emanations from the pleroma (that's something to look up for you theologians), to one Bishop Timothy, Spiritual Director of The Arimathea Institute, Primate of the Celtic Church USA , and Archbishop of the Apostolic Guardian Church of Grace and Blessings. Whoa, there! That’s a lot of sees to be seeing, particularly that Grace and Blessings bit.

But wait, boys and girls, there’s more. The “Timmer” is also “an ordained Interfaith Minister, Lodge Master of the Order of the Temple of the Holy City, and Steward of the International Order of Chivalric Companions.” He “serves as Hierophant of the Templum de Octo Rosae Mysticus, and serving under a charter from the Ulster Order of Druids directs Saint Bridget's Grove of the Eternal Flame.” This guy could be running the Anglican Communion! Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

But let’s not stop there, according to the website, “Rev. Timothy is a Reiki Master, a Mason 32°, a Martinist and Free Initiator in the AMO, OMCC, OM&S, and Sufi Martinist Order traditions, a Knight of the Healing and Teaching Order of St. Michael and St. Raphael, Knight of the Rosicrucian and Military Order of the Grail, and Knight of the Order des Chevaliers du Saint-Graal.” Recently, Bp. Canot’s buddy co-authored a book and tape series entitled Initiation Into the Grail Mysteries. Somebody tell Dan Brown to phone home-one of your characters has escaped.

Finally, we note that Bishop Timbo’s Old Catholic Orthodox Church ordination claims to transmit “22 lines of valid Apostolic Succession from the Master Jesus--the same Holy Orders transmitted in more traditional Catholic and Orthodox Churches.” We’d better alert some of those traditional Catholics and Orthodox-they’ll want in on the action. Yeah, right!

The bottom line here, Toads and Toadettes, is that when you are working up those news releases for the Holy Catholic Orthodox Anglican Church of the Cenobitic Crackpot (Original Jurisdiction), you might do a wee bit o’ the old Google on the folks you list in your “international communion”, and their friends, blood kin and occasional fellow travelers. Otherwise, you look even stranger than you already do. bunky.

As for the Toad, he doesn’t know about Martinism, other than he once had a suit with two pairs of pants Martinized at the dry cleaner in under one hour. For our part, we are staunch Martini-ists, the little onions being the only roughage we get in a week.

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT

*The Sound of One Toad Barking

The Happiest Little Parish Around

Good evening, Toads and Toadettes,

Recently, someone accused the Toad of going light on Roman Catholics while being too critical of Tanglicans (that would be Traditional Anglicans-the Toad coined it-steal it, pally, and there'll be more hot "suits" on you than on Paris Hilton's defense team). Just to prove that he's an equal opportunity offender, the Toad went swimming in the backwaters of the Roman Church.

Okay, okay-we didn't have to go very far to find just the right parish for the Toad and some of you Tanglican(tm) gin swillers. You just gotta' click on the website for St. Andrew’s Catholic Church in Channelview, Texas—it has the hippest church website music on the net. Lounge lizard meets the Sacraments. Maybe it's just Texas.

http://www.standrewcatholicchurch.com/

G'wan. Share it with your friends! You know you want to.

Look at the whole site-particularly the little display for confessions—put the pointer over it but don’t click. The script will unfold. And, best of all, they have an Alaskan cruise—7 Days of pampering, fun and faith Ship: Carnival Spirit. “CRUISE PRICE INCLUDES-CABIN, UNLIMITED AMOUNT OF FOOD-24 HOURS A DAY FOR 7 DAYS.” Forget that Holy Land pilgrimage, we are going to the seafood buffet and the floorshow. It's a heck of a lot better than tossing away the greenbacks for a fake seminary degree.

Can you say motu proprio? Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. "Crusin' Catholic" Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious)

*The Sound of One Toad Barking

More Better Bishops

Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
-Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

Some years ago, a friend of the Toad’s attended the anniversary of the St. Louis declaration. As we recall, he was one of the speakers at what proved to be the ecclesiastic version of the famous bar scene from the first Star Wars film (“Yes, Susie, that is the Archbishop of the Holy Catholic Anglican Rite Church of Neptune (Original Province) playing tunes on his clarinet-shaped proboscis.”) A well-known and respected Anglican journalist ran up to this clergyman as he arrived and said, “Look at all of these bishops! I’ve covered this crowd for years, and I just don’t recognize many of them!”

Surveying the purple clad crowd which the Toad is reliably informed included one “primate” (Egad, we love that term!) dressed up as Msgr. Guido Sarducci, the clergyman sighed and said, “Wait until the early FedEx from Almy gets here-there’ll be ten more before the day is out.”

Continuing church bishops have been analogized to putting one wire coat hanger in the closet at night. You will have four-hundred of various shapes and sizes crowding the bar by morning. And titles? Pally, you just gotta’ have a title to go with your miter, door-knocker sized pectoral cross, purple beanie, purple batman cape, purple shirt, purple gloves (yes, boys and girls, at least one continuing archbishop loves those) and purple socks.

Indeed, one jurisdiction, despite the fact that it is now down to about 2,000 members and, yes, four count-em-four bishops, just had to elect an “archbishop” rather than oh, say, worry about actual Christian unity. You just had to have it, didn’t you, bunky? For those who like farcical ceremony, you can check out the photos of the event over at the Province of Christ the King website. Did the number of bishops actually outnumber the attendees? Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

This sorry pageant is replayed it seems almost daily in garages and rented chapels everywhere. At least the APCK crowd owned the church in which they crowned their latest king. More than we can say about the tweezers out there who have a “cathedral” and “seminary” operating in the spare room. (You know who you are, and the Toad will expose you. Just sing a chorus of Anticipation, in the meantime.)

But, wait, there’s more. How long have continuers been braced by “mainstream” Anglicans pointing out the fact that our fissiparous lot seems to be made up of the priesthood of all bishops? Or is that the episcopate of all believers?

Well, boys and girls, those very same “communion” Anglicans have gotten in on the purple derby. Rather than cooperate with that nasty old bunch of folks who told you so thirty years ago, you just had to get yourselves new jurisdictions. The reason might lie in having read too much J.I. Packer or Peter Toon and not wanting to have a hoe down with those bad old Anclo-catholics—you know, the ones who are dead. But, you have new oversight from far across the sea, and, guess what? You gotta’ have more bishops. Here is a sampling of the once and future bishops and their “jurisdictions”:

The Rev. Canon Bill Atwood, D. Min. (Kenya)
The Rt. Rev. Bill Cox (Southern Cone)
The Rt. Rev. Andy Fairfield (Uganda)
The Rev. John Guernsey (Uganda)
The Rev. Bill Murdoch (Kenya)
The Rt. Rev. Martyn Minns, Nigeria
Bishop Sandy Greene, (“a Missionary Bishop of the Episcopal Church of Rwanda”-but we aren’t counting him as he is in Canada, technically a country)

But it’s all just fine because you are remaining “in the Communion” and are “missionaries”. Ever seen the Falls Church? Man, that’s operating out of a grass shack in Pago Pago, isn’t it? Oh, well, they’ll have a stage until Bishop Peter “Heresy is better than Schism” Lee and his band of flying monkeys…er…lawyers…take your digs away. Somehow, I don’t think these folks will be reduced to table-top church.

All of this makes Orthodoxy seem a model of stability and, Rome, well, let’s just say “a rock” to coin a phrase. At least there are real signs of hope of late such as the recent move of one bishop and a dozen or more parishes and clergy into a much larger body. No “Anglican Celtic Orthodox Catholic Rite Church (Original Province)” there, pally. Just a little sanity. And, nobody has to ask, “Who’s your daddy...er...bishop?”

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

Eatin’ Crow?

“The crow wished everything was black, the owl, that every thing was white.”
-William Blake

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

Looks like the Toad has riled a few friends of evangelical scholar and occasional pundit J.I. Packer. Seems as though some naughty little boy or girl published a specious article purportedly by the Pack-man jacking up Anglo-catholicism and pronouncing it deader than the proverbial door nail. It appears that someone was using the Packmeister’s name to “drive a wedge between evangelical and catholic Anglicans,” as if there weren’t one or two of those already.

Whoa! Dirty tricks? Dirty tricks in the church, perhaps perpetrated by prevaricating popinjays of the apostate variety? Could it have been….Satan!?! The Toad is shocked, simply shocked!

Scads of well-meaning folks took the opportunity to bash or defend the Packster, including the Toad who, of course, was on the side of the bashers and not the bashee. (What did you expect, bunky, kid gloves?) Even a well-known journalist-the one with the D.D. that is not quite as fake as the Toad’s-got into the act with a little A-C zinger that claimed to have antedated the Packer piece. Perhaps the Toad is technologically impaired, but the story seems to have disappeared off the website of the “global voice of orthodox Anglicanism.” Maybe the search feature doesn’t work after you drop liquor on the keyboard. (Gin, pally, it ain’t time for winter liquors yet.)

Toad himself got an earful (assuming he had ears-I am a toad, you know). Including a bit about how a photo of a lady with a blue shown with J.I. is not really a priestess, but only a lay reader. Trust Anglo-catholics to focus on the vestments and their color. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*
And, now, old J.I. denies that the story is his not his handiwork. No siree! We’re in conversation with Catholics (or would that be dialogue?), and we wouldn’t want some fraudster to cause trouble at the tea party. But, why was the story so darned believable?

Ahhhh, boys and girls, that’s because it sounded so very much like the Pack-man himself. "The Puritans answered those questions that perplexed me," he says. And more than that, they introduced him to the "whole range" of Christian truth, wrestling with aspects of the Christian life in a rational, yet spiritually enlivened and theologically grounded way. "From the Puritans," he says, "I acquired what I didn't have from the start—that is, a sense of the importance and primacy of truth. Which means theology." J.I. Packer: A Biography, by Alister McGrath.
Boy, the “whole range” of Christian truth. Darn those pesky Sacraments!

Again, from the McGrath book, Packer wanted to revive "authentic Anglicanism"—a heritage, he says, that had been "in eclipse" since 1944. "The shapers of Anglicanism were evangelicals—Cranmer, the Puritans, the Clapham sect, Wilberforce," he says. "I wanted to re-establish it in its own heritage." Okey, dokey, boys and girls, we can just forget about Keble, Pusey and…God forbid, Newman.

Make no mistake, the Toad doesn’t wish to rain on the Packster’s parade—all that exegesis is just dandy. But, one really has to suspect the motives of a guy who signs on to an Evangelical Mission to Catholics. That wouldn’t be to convert them from all that Romish superstition would it? Naw! He just wants to “dialogue”. Then, there was his off-the-cuff after-hours comment to Catholic theologian Richard John Neuhaus that the papacy is "a grotesque institution". Perhaps that’s why the specious article had the whiff of the real J.I.

It’s nice that he has had a critical role in Evangelicals and Catholics Together (ECT). Differing sides need to stand together in areas of agreement, in order to serve a larger purpose. But, he is about as Catholic in his theology as Zwingli.

On the women’s ordination question, Packer seems to be a bit incontinent on the issue. On the one hand, he appears to oppose women in the presbyterate, he nonetheless states that, "Since authority rests in the Word of God rather than in preachers and teachers of either sex, it is my opinion that a woman's preaching and teaching gifts may be used to the full in situations where a male minister of the Word has the effect of supplementing and supporting his own preaching and teaching." Say what?

This is sort of the ecclesiastic version of having an all-girl back up band. Call it the James Brown theory of ministry. “Yeow…I feel good!”

Finally, let’s not forget J.I.’s sometime role as an adjunct at Trinity Episcopal School for Ministry in beautiful Ambridge, Pennsylvania (although the reference seems to have gone missing these last few days. The picture from the TESM website says it all. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

So, the Toad is eating some crow. However, bunky, I’ll be washing it down with a Chateau Montrachet ’51. It’s the Anglo-catholic way. Rawwwwwk!

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD-VS (Very Specious), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

Not Threadbare

"Seldom do people discern Eloquence under a threadbare cloak."

-Juvenal

J.I. "Mr. Orthodox" Packer and Priestess Pal

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

It being Sunday, and all, the Toad has a few things to take care of. However, some recent yawping about the “death of Anglo-catholicism” brushed him the wrong way, and everyone (or, at least those readers who are sentient) knows the motto of this blog, “Don’t Goad the Toad!”

First it was the aptly named J.I. Packer, a theologian of the evangelical variety who spun out a little piece entitled, Anglicanism: Protestant or Catholic. You can find it by looking up the title, but, sufficed to say the august Packer spills much ink re-hashing the same tired arguments of 100 or more years ago-the sort of grating anti-Catholic bigotry dressed up in fancy language that makes The Secret History of the Oxford Movement look like an encomium. He concludes with the statement:


Anglo–Catholicism, once embraced as a remedy against rationalism and humanism, has proved inadequate to the job. Historically foreign to the true tradition of English and American churchmanship, it has become exactly what it initially sought to combat: it is liberal, lawless, and radical in the extreme.

Really? Dr. Toad thought that was the province of those places where the “true tradition of English and American churchmanship” of the Protestant flavor has yielded such freakish products as Robinson, Schori, and Williams. Not much of the Anglo-catholic in those jokers, bunky. It was the pure-D "mainstream" Protestant side of the house that gave us that freakshow, whilst Mr. Orthodox and the gang passed resolutions, drew lines in the sand, and generally gave a hearty ecclesiastic middle finger to all those "continuing church" Anglo-catholics. Oh, yeah, J.I., that would be the same A-Cs who had the guts to walk away from their buildings and comfy positions to maintain actual orthodoxy. Glad to see you catching up after thirty years, old shoe. (Oh, yeah, who is that priestess in the blue stole? Friend of yours?)

If it weren't enough to engage in the same tired rant that A-Cs have listened to since the days of Pusey, the Pack-man also had to try to hit below the appropriate regions:

Today we can even find Anglican churches in which the interior differs in no way from that of a Roman Catholic church. Anglican churches in which The Lord's Supper is again considered the sacrifice of the Mass; in which the priest wears Catholic vestments; and in which nearly all the Roman Catholic devotions such as benediction of the Blessed Sacrament, recitation of the rosary, and veneration of Mary and the saints have been introduced. However, by far the majority of Anglicans find this all as strange as does a Dutch Protestant.

Whoa, nelly! Vestments, you say? Catholic vestments. you say? Well, the Toad ain’t no Dutch Protestant and doesn’t want to be. I mean the threads they wear tell all, and perhaps they say a little something about old J.I. who is seen above in drab Protestant regalia with one of his priestess buddies. Whose orthodox now, pally? Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

We here at the Barking Toad won't take this, or the accompanying Catholic bash by an ever-original writer claiming the moniker “The Voice of Global Orthodox Anglicanism” (the one with the DD that is as fake as the Toad’s that he can’t stop using). No siree! We dialed up our friends at C.M. Almy and got us a little in-your-face regalia-the kind that really sets off the likes of old J.I. Packer and the dreary boys and girls who seem to feel so awfully threatened by the por old A-Cs.

To all of this the Rev. Dr. Roy "Barking" Toad says, "Take that Tippet Boy!" Your cassock and surplice are no match for the sartorial splendor of an Anglo-Catholic in his "Romish" vestments. Check out the orphreys on this number! And this is my Low Mass set, pally. (Oops, used the word "Mass"-papist alert!)

The Rev. Dr. Roy Toad, Late Vicar
St. Swithun's, Little Hopping
Mole Valley, Dorking, Surrey, U.K.
Current Annual Fund Chairman, DDOS
(Dorking Dramatic & Operatic Society)

Just remember, boys and girls, here at the Barking Toad it’s “Fop ‘till you drop!”

Yr. Obed. Serv.,


R. Toad, DD (an absolutely fake degree and proud of it!), LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

Everybody’s Getting Into the Act

“A school without grades must have been concocted by someone who was drunk on non-alcoholic wine.”
-Karl Kraus (Austrian Writer)

Good morning, Toads and Toadettes,

When the Toad started an innocent little skewering of questionable seminaries, little did he know what would await him in the brackish pools of “continuing” Anglicanism alone. Just as there are grains of sand on the beach, so too are there “jurisdictions” of traditional Anglicans. And, with almost each of these jurisdictions—you guessed it, boys and girls, there is a “seminary”. Today we tee up on a couple of these entities and, once again, offer the opportunity to comment in defense or condemnation. Of course, the seriously odd, vicious or loony epistles will be read and savored…by the Toad. (Otherwise, this stuff won’t see the light of day, pally.)

First up, there is St. Aelred's School of Theology of the Catholic Anglican Church. This little gem bills itself as an “online school of theology offer[ing] solid theological education and preparation for ordained and lay ministry leading to the degrees of a Master of Divinity (M.Div.) and/or a Master of Arts in Theology (M.A.Theology).” Under the direction of its chancellor “Bishop +Barry”, this school lists no accreditation of its “degrees”, no faculty, and no street address—just an e-mail and telephone to “Bishop +Barry”. Tuition, however, is a modest $20 per credit hour, with “a one-time Registration Fee of $30 to cover the adminstrative [sic] and material costs of registration and grading documentation.” Perhaps that fee will also cover a new spell-checker. Such a deal!

Next is the Saint Andrew's Institute of Theology “a seminary whose primary focus is to prepare and train men for Holy Orders in the American Anglican Church.” Translation: outside this particular group your “degree” will get you into the graduate program at McDonald’s Hamburger University (“Ol’ Flip”). Here’s a familiar theme, none of the “professors” are named, there are no listed accrediting bodies, and you have to contact the “dean” even to get an idea of the curriculum. While you are on the line, they may have some attractive timeshares if you don’t buy into the academics. Rawk, rawk, rawk!*

How about it, boys and girls, anybody know anything at all about these hollowed (and the spelling is intentional, bunky!) institutions?

Yr. Obed. Serv.,


R. Toad, DD, LSMFT
*The sound of one Toad barking

COMIC BOOK HERO

Toads and Toadettes,

The Toad has one more bit before returning to poolside for some serious basking. Ever wonder about the religious preference of your favorite comic book hero? Now all shall be revealed, bunkie.

Over at http://www.comicbookreligion.com/, you can find out the religion or faith communities of your favorite fictional super hero. Here you will find most of your faves and what they do on Sunday, or Saturday, or, whenever they worship who or whatever.

Sadly,some religious groups have no superhero to represent them. As the site notes, "Few things in life are sadder than having no super-heroes to represent your faith or primary-identity sub-cultures. Think of the Seventh-Day Adventist child who sees that her friends - Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Presbyterians, Hindus, etc. - all have super-heroes that belong to their faiths, but she has none. Sure, she can look to Christian and Protestant superheroes whose precise denominational affiliation is unknown, but she knows in her heart that Spider-Man doesn't attend church on Saturdays, and neither does Aunt May. She really wants the same thing we all want: a super-hero from her background."

So, the good folks at http://www.comicbookreligion.com/ have a program so that your own super hero in your faith community. Hey, if the Episcopalians can have Invisible Woman (yeah, right!) and the Human Torch (sorry, we don't do flame-related humour on the Toad), why can't you have a comic book hero in your congregation, prayer group, coven or "primary-identity sub-culture"?

Yr. Obed. Serv.,

R. Toad, DD, LSMFT

"A Super Hero Since 1977"